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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

245 replies

IHTC · 11/02/2021 23:48

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Smallonesaremorejuicy · 14/02/2021 01:17

Nope nope nope 👎

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/02/2021 01:43

I can understand your reluctance 100%. However there is no way I could have left my mum struggling. No way in hell. If she loses the house what's he supposed to do leave her to sleep in a shop doorway.

MrMucker · 14/02/2021 01:48

OP-"My MIL has been struggling"
MN-"What a complete bitch!"
"She had it coming!"
"She's made her bed, now she can lie in it"
"Supporting her wont solve the issue she created!"
"If you help her she'll never leave you alone!"
"Give her an inch she'll take a mile"

All this and more. Because somebody is struggling.
Baffled.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/02/2021 01:54

Well mumsnet is full of I'm alright Jacks.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/02/2021 01:58

It's also full of martyrs who have to look like they are doing something even when that something just means they are also miserable.

The mum needs to sort the situation out. The mortgage exists regardless of where she lives.

QueenOfPain · 14/02/2021 02:18

@MrMucker Will you tell your wife to come back to the thread and give us an update please?

Cowgran · 14/02/2021 02:35

Under no circumstances would I ever do this. YANBU. As someone else said, put your foot down and be the bad guy now otherwise you will end up losing your sanity and your marriage.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/02/2021 02:38

I believe AnnieSaxophone''s comment has been misconstrued by some - she means that if anyone is going to be "kind" to anyone, then the DHs should start with their own wives and children, not their mothers who don't live with them.

Taikoo · 14/02/2021 03:15

Dreadful.
Your DH is a nob.

CSIblonde · 14/02/2021 03:21

It's not his duty & sounds a recipe for disaster. Mum downsizes & SIL moves in as lodger with recently divorced brother as temp measure til she's sorts something out. If she's got a crappy part time job & SIL has reneged on sharing a mortgage , DM needs a 1bed flat. It's not your job to subsidise her lifestyle.

Sapho47 · 14/02/2021 03:25

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's also full of martyrs who have to look like they are doing something even when that something just means they are also miserable.

The mum needs to sort the situation out. The mortgage exists regardless of where she lives.

But its a hell of a lot easier to deal with and solve a difficult situation in a safe home.
Iwishiwastrinity · 14/02/2021 04:01

Another vote for definitely don’t do it.

The fact that your mil hasn’t tried to rectify the situation herself doesn’t sit well with me. She could get a lodger, work full time, take sil off the mortgage etc. Have you asked her why she hasn’t done any of the above?

Firstly find out if your MIL actually asked to live with you. Or is it just coming from the OH? Plus it doesn’t add up that you say she is overbearing and it’s her way or the high way: if that is the case then why can’t she get her daughter to pay up her share of the mortgage? Or maybe she is overbearing but has an ulterior motive.

Maybe I’m being suspicious, missed something in your post, or completely got the wrong end of the stick, but could it be a ploy for her to sell up, come and live with you and have loads of disposable income to live on, without paying you rent/bills/mortgage as your OH considers it his ‘duty’ to look after her if she moves in.

In my past experience with in laws, I learnt the hard way to believe nothing/no one until you do your own research, find out hard evidence eg bank statements, legal documents when it comes to money/property. Too many times I have seen dutiful sons do things/pay money to their mothers to resolve issues that simply do not exist, simply for the mother to pocket the money or to get their way when it comes to living arrangements. To some this may sound far fetched, but in some cultures this deceit is rampant and sons do pay up/let the in laws move in because they can’t handle the guilt trip they’ve been given by their parents. It’s much easier for them to appease the wife than the parents. A family meeting should shed some light on whether this is the case.

Then again (as you can tell) I am a cynical cow when it comes to in laws but as another poster put it: not my circus, not my monkeys.

Ilady · 14/02/2021 04:28

You married your husband, bought a house together and have a baby so you and the baby come before his mother. From what you have said they are not particularly close so why does he think he can move her in and leave you carrying the load.

I would tell your husband that their is no way that your mil is moving in with you. The reality is that she took a mortgage out with your sil and due to what is now happening she needs legal and financial advice.
Moving into your house is not going to solve this problem because that mortgage still needs to be paid. She needs someone to go with her to citizens advice and see what can be done or bring her get legal advice. She may have to sell the house and buy something smaller.
I have seen mil move into a family home as their son gets it a great idea to move his mother in. Meanwhile his wife or partner are left dealing with a mil they may not like. I know mil who just cause trouble with the Dil and the kids. The couple end up fighting and the kids can just end up hating granny as she cross or always complaining.
If you don't stand up for yourself you could end up living with your mil and hating the whole situation.

Onadifferentuniverse · 14/02/2021 06:33

My response to this would simply be- pack your things and go live with her as if she comes here that’s the end of our marriage and family.

Onadifferentuniverse · 14/02/2021 06:34

I don’t think I’d mind if it was my own though.
But he should respect your opinion and thoughts on this. Hopefully he does!

Billben · 14/02/2021 08:26

@MrsTerryPratchett

It's also full of martyrs who have to look like they are doing something even when that something just means they are also miserable.

The mum needs to sort the situation out. The mortgage exists regardless of where she lives.

Exactly this. Doing part time hours when you can’t afford to pay the mortgage is just bonkers. I wouldn’t even be contributing to the other part of the mortgage your SIL should be paying until I saw your MIL doing something that would actually help her situation. I don’t mind helping those who help themselves. The rest can sod off I’m afraid.
MessAllOver · 14/02/2021 08:34

As an adult, you don't need to live with anyone who you don't want to live with. Maybe remind your DH of this.

Happyher · 14/02/2021 10:05

Don’t do it, there’s too many red flags. But sit down with DH and try and work out ways to help her. Can she move to somewhere smaller or get a better mortgage. Can he talk to your SIL and try and resolve things or whatever else might help. Remind him his first priority is your child and you

Mix56 · 14/02/2021 11:00

She needs to sell & downsize/rent, go to other brother for an interim period if necessary
SIL can sort out her own life.
She cannot come & live with you.

peachdribble · 14/02/2021 11:42

I wouldn’t do this either. The siblings need to have a proper meeting with their mother, and if SIL can’t pay her share then MIL can either take in a lodger to help pay the mortgage, or downsize.

WildfirePonie · 14/02/2021 11:45

Have you told your DH that MiL won't be moving in OP?

AnotherBoredOne · 14/02/2021 11:48

No no no.

Franticbutterfly · 14/02/2021 11:54

Not a chance! Don't do it!

Negcap · 14/02/2021 13:11

Please don't do this. You have a new daughter - she is your priority.

PADH · 14/02/2021 13:32

@MrMucker

OP-"My MIL has been struggling" MN-"What a complete bitch!" "She had it coming!" "She's made her bed, now she can lie in it" "Supporting her wont solve the issue she created!" "If you help her she'll never leave you alone!" "Give her an inch she'll take a mile"

All this and more. Because somebody is struggling.
Baffled.

I've read a lot of posts giving advice on how to help her without having to resort to OP having her MIL move in. Moving in is not the only option, and OP is perfectly reasonable in not wanting her MIL to move into their 3 bed home, particularly as there currently isn't much of a relationship there to begin with.

Quite rightly posters are advising that DH helps his mother with the legal and financial side of his sister no longer paying her half of the mortgage. Either by removing the sister from the mortgage, or by selling the house for a smaller, affordable property or renting in a retirement-type complex - all with the help and support of DH and his brother. After all, it is their mother.

I don't see how the solution is to ignore all the problems with the sister, and just to allow the MIL to move in, leaving OP to deal with the deal with the work load. It most definitely does not make the OP a terrible person for not wanting to take this on, especially as there are a number of avenues that should be explored first.

I also think most of the negative comments were aimed, rightly so, towards the DH - his solution equals the least amount of effort from him. If he wants to help, he can do so without consequentially loading the work onto his wife - by adressing and helping to resolve the breakdown between his mother and sister, by giving support in sorting out the mortgage and looking at alternative accommodation that is feasible and affordable. Until he has exhausted everything else, moving his mother in shouldn't be on the table. He is shortcutting all of that at his wife's expense and that is the issue. His mother isn't currently homeless and has other options, so op certainly isn't leaving her mil on the streets. She does still need help and support, but that should be on her son.