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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be strongly against my MIL moving in?

245 replies

IHTC · 11/02/2021 23:48

My MIL has been struggling the past couple of years. She remortgaged her home with my SIL who she no longer has a relationship with. SIL is refusing to pay her half of the mortgage and has been getting herself into all sorts of horrible situations. My MIL is obviously stressed about money and worried about her daughter. As a result, she is now on anti depressants and relies on other family members to pay half of her mortgage.

My husband has floated the idea of having her live with us and I can't think of anything worse. I actually loathe the idea and I haven't been able to think about anything else since he brought it up.

There are so many reasons I'm against this and I've listed out the main ones below:

  • For as long as I've know my husband, he's not really had a solid relationship with his mother - seeing her only at birthdays, Christmas etc. I don't know her and feel it would be like accepting a stranger in our home.
  • She's not helping herself. She's happily doing part time hours with no desire to boost her income. She piggy backs off our subscriptions and every time we ask if she's sought advice about removing my SIL from the mortgage the answer is always no.
  • We have a 5 month old baby girl. We're building a family of our own.
  • We live in a modest sized home. With 3 people living here, it feels cramped especially with all of our daughters toys and equipment.
  • What I do know of my MIL is that she can be over bearing. It's her way or no way and I think she would struggle with the rules of living in someone else's home and I'm fairly sure she would never bloody leave.

My husband has it in his head that it's his duty to do this for her.

I honestly think this would ruin my family and I accept that this would be because I simply couldn't cope with this dynamic.

AIBU?

OP posts:
bluewaterbottle · 12/02/2021 07:46

Absolute big no no

notdaddycool · 12/02/2021 07:47

If she moves in now she will never move out, you might have her for 30 years by the sounds of it. She needs to sell that house and buy something small that she can afford on the savings/income she has.

Buttercupcup · 12/02/2021 07:48

Don’t do it!! Several years ago we ended up having to live with the in laws for a couple of months as our house purchase fell through and our the landlord sold the flat we had rented so had to leave at the end of contract. It was a nightmare never to be repeated!

2Rebecca · 12/02/2021 07:52

Why are they all so financially hopeless? MIL needs to sell the house and rent somewhere she can afford on her own or apply for a council house. SIL needs a boot up the bum. It doesn't sound as though MIL needs looking after so there is no need to move in with you. How old is she? Where is FIL? Divorced or widowed? Can he help support his feckless daughter?

FOJN · 12/02/2021 07:53

YANBU to refuse to allow your MIL to move in but you are being very unreasonable to say she should go and live with your husband's brother, the problem is not of his making either and it's not up to you to decide who lives in his home or how well placed he is to have his mum living with him.
Where is the SIL in all this? I think the responsibility for a solution should rest with MIL and SIL and the rest of the family should stay out of it.

Quartz2208 · 12/02/2021 07:57

DOnt do it - if she fell out with her daughter this clearly has disaster written all over it

Is it a large house she could downsize from?

2Rebecca · 12/02/2021 07:58

Also how long will your family income be propping up this silly situation? MIL being given money has stopped her sorting out her finances. Why is SIL behaving like the useless one? It's not good for her to be treated like a permanent child either. They sound like a family of leeches

MildlyIrritatedOfChorley · 12/02/2021 07:59

If he feels he must do something then perhaps offer to help with finding and paying for a lawyer to force the house sale.

ReluctantHomeschooler · 12/02/2021 08:01

OP, can they sell the house?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 12/02/2021 08:02

What, in his mind, would be the objective of this proposed move?

If financial, would she sell or rent out her house? And then what? She can sell and downsize anyway, which would solve the financial issue.

I would go through what he wants for his Mum and the ways they can be achieved.

Point out that she is well and able-bodied, of pre-retirement age, earning, and it will disadvantage her in the long term to give up a property of her own.

It is all very unfortunate that she has fallen out with her Dd, but your DH feeling a duty to rehouse her as a result is a very drastic non-solution to that issue!

I think understanding and empathising with his wish to help his Mum is one thing, and listening to him on that is important.

But the size of your house, the difficult dynamic, the seismic lifestyle change it would mean are all reasons why moving her in is not the best solution and why you have the right to say no.

whattodo2019 · 12/02/2021 08:03

Do not have her move in!!! It will be a disaster and could very well end your own relationship with your husband

maddening · 12/02/2021 08:05

What is the aituation with Sil? Was Sil loving there and now is not? What was the purpose of the remortgage?
If there is a second bedroom at. Mil. I would. Suggest a lodger to cover sol's half.

kennelmaid · 12/02/2021 08:16

My DF85 lives with us (in an annexe). Our house is far too big and costly for us and we want to move or build but for either option we have to provide facilities for my DF which restricts our options. And we'll again end up with a house that is too big for us when he dies.

AnitaB888 · 12/02/2021 08:18

As a PS to my last post I have known this situation work when

a) Mama is in a mobile home at the bottom of the garden (which she paid for)
b) Mama is in a 'granny flat' attached to the property ( she paid for the extension)
c) They all sold up, pooled the money and bought a big house together.

In addition there weren't any complications as have been described.

Clicketyclick21 · 12/02/2021 08:29

I'd approach it from a logical angle, take your emotion out of it as that's what's going to make your husband even more defensive.

  1. If she moves in, what will happen to mils house?
  1. Is it a temporary or permanent arrangement?
  1. Suggestion for you to make:
A - mil to move in with bil & let her house to clear the accrued debts. This is for a 2 yrs or so clear the remortgage.

B - once mil is financially stable she either:
Sells & down sizes or moves back to her home and takes in a lodger

I would present option A as a way to save her house, don't mention her moving in. Just say you all need to find a way of saving her home. Would she object to taking in a lodger?

invisibleoldwoman · 12/02/2021 08:30

Do not do this. My mother did this when my dsis and I were little. She was an appalling woman and it had a very bad long term effect on dsis and self. I believe it was also a major factor in my mother’s chronic illnesses and relatively early death. Once she was installed they could not get her out.

If your MIL is difficult now it will be much worse as she gets older.

Be firm with your DH. This is not your problem to sort out.

lazylump72 · 12/02/2021 08:32

Terrible idea from your husband.MIL and SIL need to sort themselves out as adults and sort out their financial mess between them.They are adults and should act like one.Not your problem please dont let it be.If they loose the house and end up on the streets its tough luck they should stop acting like children.They have obligations to be met financially and you cannot shirk those without serious consequences.Your dh should be sitting down with both of them and telling them their actions will lead to loosing the home and ending up homeless if they continue with this behaviour.They are old enough to sort this out and they should its their problem their business not yours.Stand firm OP do not let this happen.Time they grew up and got sorted instead of acting like idiots.

Kitewoman · 12/02/2021 08:32

If you move her in, I think you can start making preparations for moving out too - for yourself. Don't go down that route!

YanTanTethera123 · 12/02/2021 08:39

Absolutely no way would I do this.
I could never have lived with my in-laws or my parents. I would suggest DH moves in with her and see what his reaction is!

Worriedhomemover · 12/02/2021 08:40

If MIL and SIL default on the mortgage payment that’s their problem. Surely SIL will pay to avoid ruining her financial future and credit?

She needs to sell up and downsize. I doubt she’ll be able to get a new mortgage anyway. Is there much equity?

There’s no way on earth I would ever let my MIL come to live with us.

Lostinthemail · 12/02/2021 08:41

[quote IHTC]@Marley20 Yes, my husband has a brother who has recently divorced. Lives alone with no children. He is also closer to their mother!

I understand that he will want to find a new partner and having your MIL live with you potentially affects this but we have a family and our own stresses. Mentioned that it would probably be better for her to live with his brother if push comes to shove and it went down like a lead balloon.[/quote]
It’s none of your business where she lives and why- the only thing you have a say about is that it isn’t with you. Not your job to think of alternatives, just tell your husband NO. If he wants to live with mummy, he can leave and live under her roof.

ttigerlilly · 12/02/2021 08:51

Absolutely no, nope nope nope!!!

Laureline · 12/02/2021 09:00

Her moving in solves nothing, and will create other issues. It’s not a solution to the current problems.

Love51 · 12/02/2021 09:03

Straight no from me. People have literally their entire working lives to prepare for old age. It doesn't come as a shock.

Yeah I'd consider an exception for my own mum if needed but because she has a thoroughly excellent relationship with both adults in the house. And I wouldn't put pressure on my husband if he didn't want it.

LannieDuck · 12/02/2021 09:03

Why is it such a bad idea (according to your DH) that she stay with BIL? But a good idea for her to stay with you?

I would push this idea every time he mentions her coming to you - BIL makes more sense in every way.

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