to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

please help me unpick my situation

Honestly, start with your husband. Tell him how you’re feeling and ask him to reduce his time playing games. Then work on your children together. Without his support in wanting to change it won’t happen.

Me and my husband are big gamers so I understand wanting to play for hours but since DD was born we only play when she is asleep or if we are having our respective “me time”. If she wakes in the night then she’ll see us play but otherwise she’s none the wiser. Sometimes DH has a co-op raid and that’ll be a weekend day but I know in advance so I can make other plans.
However it was important to us that she has a balanced view on family life - screens, games, books, hikes, sledding, playgrounds (I’m not UK based) are all important but none more than the others. It seems like your DH doesn’t have a balance for himself let alone for the children!

No other advice other than get your husband to reduce.

He doesn’t want to reduce. I’ve tried these conversations. He becomes very irate and pushes back because “him and the boys are having fun” or “it’s not my problem” he thinks I’m being controlling and why shouldn’t they be able to enjoy their weekend. I should go enjoy mine.

He’s got something that works for him. The only thing that worked was when the kids started playing Fortnite. They wanted to play online with their friends, not him and he didn’t like that. So he wanted it banned. On the basis of them screaming and shouting but I get that from all of them when they’re playing

I that case I think you need to think about leaving and at least try to offer a different life for your children. Being stuck to a screen is such a boring one dimensional life, but it's addictive.

I'm sorry you are in this situation it sounds utterly shit and unhealthy.

The more you write, the worse he sounds.

It’s too late for a different life though isn’t it? They’re now addicted and the genie is out of the bottle. I leave and it’s still a competition. Nothing compares with the gaming so I’ve lost them whichever way I turn. They’re going to hate spending weekends at my boring house and live for gaming weekends at daddy’s. I honestly feel so low and disillusioned and broken by this. I’ve lost my kids.

They wanted to play online with their friends, not him and he didn’t like that. So he wanted it banned
He sounds like an arsehole.
I love gaming but like any hobby it needs moderation, you're clearly not going to be able to do that with your dh refusing to have conversations about cutting back and getting irate when you bring it up.
Is he like this in other areas of life too?

I’m having counselling and through counselling I’ve learnt that you can’t change other people. He is who he is. He calls all the shots because gaming/computers are the dominant force in our relationship. I’ve spent our marriage second best to whatever computer game is being played.

I don’t want to get into a slanging match about my husband because that’s not what I need or want. I’m already borderline suicidal about this. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable to want to live in a gaming free house and how I can build a life that has balance in it. How I can build a relationship with my kids. How can I have a life not dominated by this stuff. How do I have a life where I don’t feel abject loneliness and worthlessness day after day after day

instead of having a game free house, I'd put time restrictions on it, I think fully game free when it's something they really enjoy is a bit harsh. But an hour or so and then the console gets unplugged and you go do something else.

I hope you are ok.

What a really, really shit situation. Would he be willing to put a cap on their gaming time? Even lowering it to a few hours a day? I guess not as he's getting to really enjoy himself and probably thinks of it as some sort of bonding experience with the boys.
If your husband isn't willing to budge at all, then I actually can't see another solution but to leave.

If he knows you are serious about calling it a day on the relationship, do you think this might knock him in to shape at all?

X

Who cooks and cleans while they game? If that’s you, I’d stop doing that. No meals, no washing.
Ask your husband- you don’t want to spend any time with me on the weekend, are there any reasons we should stay married?
The children bit would worry me because it’s so unhealthy. All theories about mental development aside, it’s physically so unhealthy to sit down bent over all the time, and when doing it from young... Ask your husband about this too. Does he do any parenting?

It’s completely ok for you to feel this way. I mean it’s not ok how you feel, but I can understand why you feel that why. And if you left it wouldn’t be as cut and dried as you’re afraid. I’m sure you could still watch them game much as you do now! And I’m sure they love you and at the moment think they have you all the time so would get a shock. But your husband would have to step up on some parenting.

I think this feels tougher because of the Covid situation. My teens have retreated to screens too, but I think it will change when life gets back to normal. One thing that’s worked here is a family quiz night — there are loads on zoom and my teens really enjoy them for a couple of hours. It’s been very bonding for us as a family. I’ve also developed my own hobbies a bit more. I think criticising the gaming, especially if your partner isn’t on board, is just going to make things harder. You aren’t wrong, but you just have to do things differently. I try to show an interest, make sure we are eating as a family with no screens, and I try not to stress otherwise. We are in very difficult times. Your 20 year olds was very hurtful, but it’s a selfish age for many and he is probably frustrated by his lack of independence etc at the moment. Just hang in there.

How old are the younger children.

Your DH is not willing to put in any game time related boundaries with you. He doesn’t care how low you feel about family life. I would leave and carve out a more meaningful fulfilling life. Have the children with you at weekends and ask them to help you plan special time together. A film, new hobby, cycle ride, cooking their favourite meal together

@hulloall I don’t think he’d care at all if I moved out. I think he’d be relieved that he could do what he wanted without having to consider me or compromise on what he wants to do

Involving them in planning time together is key. What would they like to do when away from computer games?

Does the eldest work

How old are you young ones

Kids are both primary age. Youngest is 8.

Can you remind your DH of how he felt about fortnite and relate that back to how you feel all the time?
What would you like to see happen? If you’ve got any idea of how you’d like your weekends to be, present the idea to your dh first and see if you can get some compromise. Without his support, it will be really hard.

Move out now or ask DH and the eldest to move out and enable your younger kids while they are young enough to earn screen time and have boundaries implemented to create balance. Your older child is a lost cause for the moment until he gives his own head a wobble.

If you honestly feel like your husband wouldn't care if you left, you should leave. No-one should feel like that in their own home/marriage.

Based on your parenting involvement/work patterns, how do you think custody would break down? What your eldest said to you is hideous, but he's a child and has no appreciation of all the unseen work you do to keep his life ticking over. A straight comparison with Dad on a weekly basis would change that. A lot of dads only want EOW. How much solo childcare do you see your (lazy twat) husband wanting to do?

You haven't lost your children lovely. They are your babies. You are their mum. And this is your house!

If it was me, I'd try maybe a sort of "sample" by splitting the weekend. So Friday night and Saturday, you find something else to do (anything else!) so you're out of the house or at least shut away somewhere else fully occupied (so not doing housework, cooking etc, they can fit this service of their basic needs around their gaming. Mum is Off Duty.

Then on Saturday night/Sunday, their dad can fuck off and game in his room or whatever the hell else he wants to do, the consoles/screens are gone (hide them if you have to!) and it's mum time - have a schedule of activities planned that are not based around a screen that YOU enjoy and that your boys can join in with (baking, crafting, bike ride, even something crazy like drive to the beach and cook sausage baps on a camping stove - be really imaginative, not just "let's bust out the Lego". Show them what they're missing. Yes they'll bitch and moan at first and say they don't want to; if so, bung them each a new book (maybe adventure books with choices of which plot you follow as there's still an element of gaming there) and get on with it yourself. They'll soon get bored enough and want to join in with you. Also you'll be looking after them properly and they'll realise the difference.

Tell your DH he's to keep out of the way and amuse himself on pain of divorce - these are your bloody kids too and you deserve some time with them that he doesn't monopolise. If he won't agree to that and undermines you... Then you really will have to just move out, divorce and use contact time to institute a change, which is colossally unfair but if you're in an abusive marriage where your wishes count for nothing then that's just the only solution.

Don't feel worthless or suicidal!! Your kids love you. They do. It's just such a baseline for them they've stopped noticing it, like you don't notice the colour of your own eyes. You can make them see you again xx

@Porridgeoat

Move out now or ask DH and the eldest to move out and enable your younger kids while they are young enough to earn screen time and have boundaries implemented to create balance. Your older child is a lost cause for the moment until he gives his own head a wobble.

What a ridiculous suggestion! Her eldest is still primary age! Is she meant to give up on him?

OP...you need to save your kids. Get that bastard out and take back control.

I don't think the eldest is an adult as some people have assumed. Maybe misunderstanding of "20 year plus DH" in the initial post?
I think the children are both primary age.

@Porridgeoat the OP doesn't have a 20yo child she has a husband of 20years. Her two kids are still primary age, which is great because it means there's still time to turn this around.