to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

Your husband seems to be enjoying being 'best friend'. He is too stupid to realise that 12+ hrs of gaming a day isn't healthy for him or his children and it is disrespectful to you as you're not able to engage with them.

Your title mentions a 'gaming cafe'. Nothing you can do about the gaming perhaps but you can certainly shut the cafe. Don't buy 'grab and go' stuff and let them make their own food since you're persona non grata and not worthy of more than a grunt.

Sorry OP, it sounds really shit. Your selfish husband is well on the way to creating two selfish men.

YANBU OP.

We are gamers and only play in the evening (kids in bed) and/or a couple of hours at the weekend with the kids.

And also if you have never been into gaming and try Fortnite then that will put you off for life, i've been a gamer for almost 30 years and instantly uninstalled that crap after 5 minutes of playtime.

You have lots of good advice here and should try and use it before leaving your kids but really why have you allowed them to spend so much time doing this you know it's unhealthy it sounds like your husband controls everything and you have no. choice in the matter. Why can't you tell them screen time is limited they ha e to earn it etc? Is it because he constantly undermines everything you say so they don't listen to you? Does he know how unhappy you are do they? You need to be honest with all of them and tell them all how it is affecting you and you are thinking of leaving as feel unwanted it might shock them into change. Your husband is a lazy arse and I think he does this so he can just sit there and ha e you wait on him hand and foot. Is this the case? If so once u have had the talk if they don't want u to leave give them a time frame to Improve if no improvement from husband divorce him your kids will love doing different things with you if they are given the chance to. They don't really k now what else in life is as pleasurable as gaming cos they never get the chance to try due to your husbands controlling lazy behaviour they have no idea really and he is depriving them of a normal life if he carries on they will have issues with relationships socialising and communicating not to mention eye problems and fitness issues. Sort it out now but divorce seems the best option to me.

Yes OP there is more to being a family than this,

No, you are not being unreasonable to be thinking of leaving.

Yes it will be tough for a while on "mum weekends" but I predict that this will gradually change and they will see the value in life away from the screen. There may be only glimpses of that to begin with but it will be something to build on.

Longer term you will be doing your kids a massive favour by getting them away from the screen for 50% of their time.

You are battling an addicted DH. You are not worthless. You have the power to rebalance your DC's lives. I think you should leave.

I think you need to do some deep-seated work to remember that you’re their parent, not someone who needs affection from them. They are the ones suffering from a gaming addiction, and they’re little kids being over-indulged in something unhealthy by their other parent. Step in. Make the changes.

No YANBU, OP. My husband likes videogames and so does our son, they love playing together, but they'd never do it all weekend because we know that's not healthy. If your husband doesn't acknowledge that and doesn't want to change it, then you have a problem. And your children have a problem.

I am assuming you have a 20 year old plus 2 primary school boys and a DH ? Is that right.You havent lost them at all.The older one in normal times does he work ,have any friends at all? DH is being unfair to you I think .I would sit down and say to him you cannot carry on like this ,its not fair to you or the younger ones .Gaming is like everything else ,good in moderation! Maybe once lockdown is over go and stay with DM/friend/Hotel or wherever .I think they will miss you more than you realise .If this doesnt work you may have to consider separating .The gaming has taken over and isnt healthy .Can you take the boys out for a walk after Schooling at all ,maybe say that you would like to go out for a walk together or just chat about everyday things .Maybe if allowed a holiday somewhere in this country? That would maybe help them to have a focus as such .Sending hugs to you xx

No I read it as 20+ yrs with DH and two DC

@bombastical

I don’t want to get into a slanging match about my husband because that’s not what I need or want. I’m already borderline suicidal about this. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable to want to live in a gaming free house and how I can build a life that has balance in it. How I can build a relationship with my kids. How can I have a life not dominated by this stuff. How do I have a life where I don’t feel abject loneliness and worthlessness day after day after day

You're not unreasonable at all.

To want a normal life, where you feel you're in a partnership with another adult who cares about both you and the children and you work together to bring them up with boundaries and rules as well as love, to consider everyone in the family. That's not unreasonable at all.

But - you then ask how you can build such a life, with 'balance', where you don't feel worthless every day (jesus!) - and unfortunately the answer seems to be, from reading every one of your posts - get rid of your absolutely hideous selfish manchild of a 'husband'. It's not meant to be a slanging match, that is just seriously the only answer and it's obvious to every person who reads these posts.

He's damaging your children too, you know. Massively damaging them. He's not parenting them at all - simply using them as a vehicle to turn into a child himself and to latch on to the fact that you're now 'mother' in order to push all responsibility onto you. Gaming doesn't really have much to do with it actually - if he wasn't a gamer, say he was Mr Pub Fun Times, he'd be doing that, and leaving you to all the childcare. If he was into cycling, he'd have indoctrinated the kids by now to cycle cycle cycle, and use them as his means of doing exactly what he wanted with no regard to you just like he does now.

It's not about the kids either, is it? His Fortnite tantrum really is appalling - the real barrel scraper. Angry that his kids have responded to something in a way which means he can't use them as his get out card, so he stops them playing that game because it's not all about him. What an absolute twat.

I am guessing that he would in fact not be fine with you walking away... because I'm guessing that all the cooking and cleaning and tidying and shopping, all the shitwork... you do it, while he games?

He won't want you to leave, but I can't imagine a reasonable conversation that isn't either another tantrum or is just a pack of lies to shut you up. Because no decent man is present here and no decent man is going to magically appear.

You need to leave to find what you outline above. You need a life which isn't being completely ruined by a massive twat controlling everything about it and making you a bit player in your own life.

Your kids... your fears about them won't quite pan out the way you think, if you do leave. Oh yes, initially they'd want to stay with Daddy. And game all day. Butit wouldn't be long before Daddy - if he was willign at all! - got rather tired of actually having to do all the shit. And it wouldn't be long before they both started to see, and feel - instead of just not realising - that all the really important stuff comes from Mum. That you're the one that creates the safe spaces and the things that make them feel secure. Daddy's got feet of clay - but right now, you're the one making sure that those feet are covered in a nice fluffy blanket. Take off the blanket. Let them see and feel who he is and how little he really cares for their wellbeing.

But you need to do it now, before they get any older.

Make plans to leave.

Not sure if you can do it on a playstation but on the xbox you can manage screen time, my sons turns off at a set time and also limits how long he can play each day, he knows how long that's for, it's up to him when he uses the time he's allowed and means it's not a constant battle. With your husband point out he's meant to be a parent, not a mate to his kids, he's teaching them nothing and not supporting you, if he likes gaming so much then suggest he play once the children are in bed but he needs to do other things during the day with them.

@IsIgnoranceBliss I just watched that video, it’s great!! Thanks for sharing.

Gaming is an addiction, it is becoming worse than drugs in my opinion.

I am not sure you can do so much about your husband as he is an adult, however you should be able to put some boundaries to your children; only allow them for certain games and limited time per day.

I have deleted games when I have noticed they are becoming addicted to it; and once I do it he kids become the normal happy, helpful and creative children they are.

@IsIgnoranceBliss

OP - have you seen the TED talk by Bruce Feiler on Agile Programming - for your family?

One of the ideas mentioned is kids creating their own checklists of things they need to do.
Could you get the kids to research (online research so they might be up for that) some basic things to put on their checklist e.g.

• the amount of sleep a child of their age should have
• the amount of exercise
• the amount of reading
• the life skills they should have at their age e.g. packing their school bag, making their own breakfast, etc.
• the amount of screen time that is appropriate.

That way the kids work out what they should do instead of you having to dictate. The screen time could be dependent on completing everything on their daily checklist.

I really like this advice. I'd speak to husband about it, asking him to get on board. Or come up with his plan for introducing a healthy balance for the boys. If non-forthcoming and he won't co-operate then leave.

In the meantime, meals for the boys only. He can fend for himself which will be good practice.

You haven't lost your boys, OP. You're they're Mum, they'll only ever have one and that's you. Don't give up on them but feel free to jettison your selfish husband.

Difficult one. They will grow out of the obsessional phase but that may take a while. In the meantime I would take some practical steps if you are serious about taking the nuclear option. Consult a good solicitor, find somewhere to live that you can afford. Even then you'll still have to handle the gaming thing or they'll just be clock-watching until they can go "home". Good luck.

@bombastical How I can build a relationship with my kids get involved with their interests which is gaming. A big part of being a parent is doing activities with our dc that wouldn’t be our first choice.
Instead of trying to change your family which you acknowledge you cannot, change yourself.

Leave DH. Shared custody. Your hourse, your rules (doesn't have to exclude gaming altogether.) This would force DH to parent when he has the children. You are free to have your own rules etc. Then gradually show the children that there is more to life. A mixture of boundaries and inticements! I shamelessly bribe my gaming teens with offers of takeout pizza and movies so that I can get to spend time with them! Somone upthread said that as they become teens they will not be so keen on gaming with dad so there is light at the end of the tunnel...DH will be left on his own at that point!

I had this but mine are younger. I threw him out. Best thing I ever did.

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

I think you are being unreasonable.

You're thinking of splitting the family up on the basis that your husband and children share a hobby. Read that again and realise how ridiculous it sounds.

I'm not convinced how much effort you've put in to getting interested in their hobby. Having a Fortnite account - what does that even mean? You can set up an account in minutes, how long have you spent playing it and did you go into it with an open mind or had you already decided you wouldn't enjoy it? Is that the only game you've tried? There are a huge number of game genres out there, try others until you find one you like. It's a bit like saying you hate all movies based on the fact you didn't like The Human Centipede 3.

Rather than trying to change others - which you can't do - try to change yourself. This is something you have in your control. Get interested in gaming, if you can't do that, get interested in something else to fill your time. Don't try to force them into doing things they don't like - it will not encourage a healthy family atmosphere.

This is bizarre. Change herself into a 12 hour a day gamer ? Against what she actually - enjoys and likes, herself? When she's tried gaming and only likes it in smallish amounts?

This is severely unhealthy for the children.

Sweet, you are entirely normal and right in wanting wider interests for your children. And exercise. The more they do now, the better for later in their lives.

As your counsellor says, you can't change him. But you are entitled to so so much more in your life than this.

I actually think for the sake of your children you need to take strong action, whatever that is, up to and including separation. They are your babies and for their long term health and overall breadth of interests, you need to step in now. It's hard, really hard when you've been so ground down, but for their sakes as well as yours .. take action.

Btw my oldest is also utterly addicted - he's on the spectrum. I game too, but in moderation and heavens it's hard work trying to prize him off the computer. Have to make sure that there are no devices in his room after online schooling is over and homework done. At least he's trying to control his meltdowns now. But I am certain that in the long run controlling his screen time is the right thing to do. When he's at his father's he plays much too much, but he still loves me even though I limit his time!

You need to leave him. And I don't say that lightly. Do it for you , do it for the kids.

All of my family are gamers apart from me and the 3yo. The difference is that my husband is an adult and only plays for a couple of hours in the evening. All gadgets are off for meal times and everyone pulls their weight at home.

I honestly believe that if you leave , your children will actually enjoy time with you very much. They will play with their friends instead of being controlled by their infantile dad for a start!

Please look after yourself.

Everyone in my house loves gaming and I work in the industry so I'm not at all anti gaming but this doesn't sound like a sustainable life for you OP nor a healthy one for your children.

As you say your dh's behaviour has been the same for your whole marriage and hasn't changed seemingly at all since having kids. Regardless of threats to leave or stopping work around the house on that basis I think he's unlikely to permanently change now.

I actually read it that he's using your ds's as a bit of a human shield to protect his gaming time. It's easy for him to tell you he's spending time with the kids and you're the one in the wrong when he has them playing with him.

But you definitely aren't wrong, kids will always want to do the fun things, at primary age they'd mostly live on sweets and ice cream if you let them but of course you don't because you know it's unhealthy for them. Normally parents would pull in the same direction to set healthy boundaries so no wonder you're so depressed, you're also battling the person who is supposed to be supporting you!

I am with the consensus that you need to leave and set up on your own with boundaries, activities and age appropriate levels of responsibility for them.

While it won't be easy to begin with parenting is a very long game and you're a lot of years from having lost them at primary age. Trust me (as someone who has fought a number of battles for "the souls" of my kids against my ex and family and come out of the other side) one day they will thank you for it.

Your children are still young and you still have parental responsibility towards them. Your sorry excuse of a husband is the biggest problem so start by kicking him out and putting some boundaries in place for your children. Yes, they'll kick and scream and shout and 'hate' you for it but needs must. Gaming is an addiction and you can't leave your very young children to rot away like this. I know you're depressed about your situation but you won't feel any better if you let things carry on the way they are.

Step 1: husband moves out. No ifs/buts.
Step 2: bin the consoles/screens or put them away somewhere or give them to someone to look after until you think the children are ready to be introduced again.
Step 3: carry on with your counselling. You need it.

Aside from the fact you are absolutely sidelined in your kids activities this is so unhealthy for them.

You don’t even have to say “I feel left out” it should be “our child are being negatively impacted by the unreasonable amount of screen time”

Personally I’d pull off the wires out, box them up and off they go.

A husband who puts his own wants above the development and health of his kids? Then gaslights you and makes you out to be the one in the wrong because you’ve called him out.

Nope. He’d be out too.

Ps. You need to take responsibility for how things have turned out too. You enabled your husband to create this life for you and your children and should've put your foot down a long time ago. It'll take a long time to undo the damage with your children (the 12 year old at least) but it's not impossible.

If you walk out now, you'll leave you children to live this life full time. They'll likely withdraw from school and be those reclusive addicts with no education, useful real life skills, etc. Change their future TODAY.

@Kerry987

Gaming is an addiction, it is becoming worse than drugs in my opinion.

I am not sure you can do so much about your husband as he is an adult, however you should be able to put some boundaries to your children; only allow them for certain games and limited time per day.

I have deleted games when I have noticed they are becoming addicted to it; and once I do it he kids become the normal happy, helpful and creative children they are.

Very much agree with this. I have a close family member who had a problem with gaming and it affected his education and employment and cost my parents thousands. He's a selfish arsehole.

OP it sounds tough. I'd try one last attempt with your DH and try to make him realise (a) how serious this is - you're actually thinking of leaving and he has an addiction that he's passed on to his boys and (b) that this isn't normal, other people with hobbies they enjoy still don't spend 12 hours a day doing them every single weekend, it's not a healthy example for your boys. If he still doesn't take you seriously at least you know where you stand.

The other thing I would say is don't assume your DC would always choose to spend time with DF. A lot of children welcome boundaries and actually recognise that they spend too much time on devices but can't stop themselves. I think there have even been big surveys showing that children wish their parents would set stricter boundaries around devices/screen time. Just because they proclaim to love it and have the attention spans of gnats right now doesn't mean they wouldn't actually prefer to have better boundaries and spend more time doing other things. You may be pleasantly surprised that they appreciate the different lifestyle at your house and grow out of just wanting to game all day every day, especially once lockdown is over.