to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

In normal times, do your DC do no sport or exercise?

Don't they spend time with friends, other than through gaming?

Have you talked to their teachers about their gaming addiction and any impact on their school work?

I'm concerned about everything they're missing out on. Stuff that's essential for normal, healthy physical, social and mental development.

It reads very much like an adult thinking 'well drinking / drugs / gambling / working at my desk for 12 hours a day, don't do me any harm, so they're fine for my 8yo'.

That is, not just having no thought for the harm the activity might do to the child but also failing to think about the other things the child does actively need, in order to develop properly.

Honestly, it sounds as though your DH is imposing an unhealthy addiction on your DSs, that may stunt their development in other ways and that they need one parent who is not in the grip of addiction, to rescue them and their futures.

My DD managed to hit send on my post. I was going to say about making plans to ensure that when things are back to some more normal you get some changes made. Time spent together in the week such as the walk to school, some after school activity? Maybe find an extra curricular activity that takes place on a weekend, you might only get the car journey there but you are together and they can see mum is the one engaged in that with them. Also planning actual days out, not just a walk but things like the seaside, children’s amusements. Maybe also simpler days out but with any mum friends and their kids? Do they have bikes? Do you?

I think you need to really look after your own well-being and mental health as in one of your posts you said you feel borderline suicidal and depressed. It’s really important you see a gp for some help with this.

As to the gaming, your husband clearly has no plan to change his ways or encourage the kids to stop playing so you need to stop playing yourself and divorce him. Easier said than done but you’ll be much happier and you can break them out of this constant gaming when they’re at your house not his

Can you speak to some family or friends for real life support as well?

Feel very sorry for your children if that is the entirety of their life tbh. Is this just since covid? Did they have a normal life previously with sports, interests, playing outside, playing inside etc? Hard to see a way to improve things without your DH on board r u leaving him ...

I think someone upthread touched on something very important. How are they doing at school?

You need to leave with your children. It is not too late for them, they're still little, you need to get them out of this house and away from their dad who does not care about their wellbeing.

It's borderline abusive to them, and definitely emotionally abusive to you.

You could give this organisation a call, OP. They don't just deal with issues around teen gaming, you can talk to them about family gaming issues too

www.familylives.org.uk/advice/teenagers/online/gaming/

Gaming addiction is a massive problem and we've yet to see the full fallout of all this. It's not easy as saying stop, or suggesting alternative activities.

It's adults as well as children and teens. They simply cannot control their gaming addiction and it's extremely difficult to live with if you aren't a gaming addict.

Look after your own mental health OP.

I think you are being unreasonable.

You're thinking of splitting the family up on the basis that your husband and children share a hobby. Read that again and realise how ridiculous it sounds.

I'm not convinced how much effort you've put in to getting interested in their hobby. Having a Fortnite account - what does that even mean? You can set up an account in minutes, how long have you spent playing it and did you go into it with an open mind or had you already decided you wouldn't enjoy it? Is that the only game you've tried? There are a huge number of game genres out there, try others until you find one you like. It's a bit like saying you hate all movies based on the fact you didn't like The Human Centipede 3.

Rather than trying to change others - which you can't do - try to change yourself. This is something you have in your control. Get interested in gaming, if you can't do that, get interested in something else to fill your time. Don't try to force them into doing things they don't like - it will not encourage a healthy family atmosphere.

I honestly would tell DH you are thinking of leaving. If his reaction isn't a complete change of behaviour then be prepared to follow through. Your children are young enough to change and you deserve to be happy. When the kids are with you there may be a battle initially to reduce gaming time but I suspect they'll have missed you a lot and love being with you regardless.

Mum's weekends can be full of other fun: family movie night, swimming, beach trips, the zoo, trampoline park, bike rides and game nights. Allow some gaming time but make everything else the focus. Gaming time for good behaviour only - they will still love you despite complaining.

Rather than trying to change others - which you can't do - try to change yourself.

Did you miss the part where she says it's all they do?

I'm a gamer. But I have responsibilities as an adult and a parent that come first, one of those being making sure my children don't spend their entire lives in front of a screen because it's fucking bad for them.

OP's husband is neglecting his job as a parent, and doesn't seem to give a shit about his wife either. She's well within her rights to want to leave.

Sorry just realised you don’t have a 20year old son! It’s a marriage of 20 years.

Tell DH to leave. Kids are young enough to put boundaries in. Remove the computers and let them use them for only 2 hours a day if they engage with other stuff. They will probably be cross and try to move the boundaries initially but stand firm and be consistent. Expect them to be bored and grumpy and step by step start to have a more normal life. It might be worth explaining to them that they and dad have an addiction and it will have a negative impact on their life (relationships fitness health) if not bought into line now.

I’ll be honest OP, I was SO worried about this sort of thing when I found out I was having a second son... as things happen they’re creative types and we all have similar interests.

You husband needs to acknowledge that you are of equal importance to him. And deserve to raise your children with your own values which might include fresh air once in a while 🙄

Christ what a boring life.... such a terrible lifestyle. Does your husband honestly think it’s healthy? Physically? Mentally? Maybe approach it from the health perspective?

You need to negotiate down the time but I imagine a bit like when I drag my family into a shop, the resulting sulking would make it hard.

Ultimately you need to put your foot down but I can well imagine the fuss over it.

The problem here is your not getting your own thing op, due to covid stopping us seeing friends and having our own network. And its opening your eyes to how left out you feel in a family of gamers. And realistically speaking, you are left out. The only way to tackle this is to speak to your dh and tell him how you feel. If hes a decent man he will listen to you and try to change things. If he isnt he wont,then it's up to you to decide what to do. It sounds like hes not got much of a life either and hes using the boys as his back up, the fact he banned fortnite as they wanted to play with pals says it all. As they get older they'll want their pals rather than their dad and it sounds like he wont allow this. To me that's where your real problem lies.

My oldest nephew is addicted to gaming and has never left home or had a girlfriend (or a proper job). It has destroyed his life. Even though I have seen this I allow my children limited gaming time. I’ve looked at their personalities and introduced a lot of physical activities for the one with an addictive personality. She is quite an adrenaline junkie and I’ve realised she needs a “high” that she gets from gaming in real life. I’ve taken her rock climbing, skiing and on those high wires. I’ve noticed she has been less interested in gaming since then. During covid we’ve been to cycle parks to go on the ramps and sledding. Have to say she doesn’t complain of being bored anymore.

I think you are just going to have to accept being the "mean" parent they don't like who makes them do things for the good of their health because you care about them, it's not fair but it's the right thing to do. If your DH would support you it would be so much better but if he won't then you have to do it anyway. Just like you make them brush their teeth and eat their veggies and do their schoolwork. They may not like it and may complain but you as an adult know that these things are important. Your DH is in denial about how unhealthy it is to spend all day, every day gaming, even for an adult so he refused to admit it's damaging for the dc, but most people even those who love gaming, agree that you need to limit screen time for dc. Even if they don't enjoy it as much as gaming they are going to go for a walk and do some reading and tidy their room and kick a football in the backyard with their brother no matter what.

I think you need to look after yourself first, then you'll find it easier to focus on how best to rescue your DCs.

Absolutely agree with @MustBeTime on this:

I honestly would tell DH you are thinking of leaving. If his reaction isn't a complete change of behaviour then be prepared to follow through.

See how much fun he has with the kids when there’s a mountain of chores to do.

I do think you’ve allowed this situation to continue and it’s come to a head. But I don’t understand why you’re asking DH’s permission to reduce their screen time? Are you not their parent too? Do you know how to take an Ethernet cable out of the router?

I think you have to own how you got here a bit more and with that you can own how you get out of it. With or without him.

It is a horrible situation.

If your DH doesn’t see a problem then I don’t know how you can implement change together.

It’s not a marriage though.

Do you sit and eat together?

I think I would cut all the plugs off the consoles and change the Wi-fi code. Then I would frisbee the iPad into the river!

I'm a big gamer - my first jobs were in games and how I met my wife (who couldn't be further from a gamer). I played a ton of games when my kids were younger - we had our own minecraft server so we'd spend time together which was kind of like virtual role playing. I remember my daughter building a prison which she put me in, and let me out to do the gardening while she rode around on a fancy horse :)

But they both fell off as they got older and didn't want to play with dad so much. My son surprisingly perhaps plays a bit of football manager but not much else. My daughter has recently gotten back into minecraft with her friends as its like zoom but more interactive (they do voice chat as they play in the same server)

From OP I'd have thought immediately a little reduction in gaming time would have been enough - COVID makes it tricky but still all day is way too much. But a later post about DH's reaction when the kids moved to fortnite is more worrying - like your DH was annoyed when the kids still wanted to play, but not with him - threw his toys out of the pram.

Are they currently playing with him, or parallel to him doing their own thing? I'd definitely start with them as he'll be harder to change - reduce screen time but be reasonable given they have limited other options at the moment. Introduce other things they should do and enforce them (they'll likely moan but get used to it and likely enjoy soon enough).

I'd be inclined to cancel the internet direct debit

Take the gaming out of the equation for a bit, and you’ll see the real problem is that your DH does not love or respect you, and isn’t a partner to you.

Sadly this is the crux of the situation.
What a terrible situation OP. But as you recognise, you can't change your husband. Has he always been into gaming? Surely not to this extent? Can you remind him of any earlier times when you did other things together? It is so disrespectful for him to think it's ok to game all weekend without any care of how this impacts you, without any care for things you want to do as a family.
Sadly I can't see any outcome other than separation. It's fine if your DC see your house as 'boring' - giving their brains a break from gaming will do them a world of good. Kids don't know what's best for them, that's what responsible parents like you are for. Hopefully one day they'll appreciate your approach - but even if they don't, you'll know you did right by them.

@bombastical

I don’t want to get into a slanging match about my husband because that’s not what I need or want. I’m already borderline suicidal about this. I just want to know if I’m being unreasonable to want to live in a gaming free house and how I can build a life that has balance in it. How I can build a relationship with my kids. How can I have a life not dominated by this stuff. How do I have a life where I don’t feel abject loneliness and worthlessness day after day after day

If you feel suicidal, then you need to tell him all of this right now and the fact he is active in sabotaging your relationship with your kids. Tell him you are at the end of the line and things need to change. If he responds with saying he sees no issue and will not unite with you as a parent to tackle this, then you need to prioritise your mental health. I'd ask him to move out, then he can have the kids 50% of the time for gaming if that is his priority over his marriage.

@TakeTheCuntOutOfScunthorpe

I think the point the OP is making is not that they share a hobby and she feels excluded - it's the sheer amount of time they spend on it, and the lack of support from her husband when she tries to set boundaries.

I don't have anything against games, I used to play when I was still at my parent's and my brothers had consoles. But in my late teens I just went off it. Think it was when they started making you do all the boring stuff of life in a game, like getting food and refuelling a car!

But I do think it should have time limits. OP you also said your eldest went from "YouTube to PlayStation to phone" - I know it's not the 90's anymore but why does a primary age child have a phone?

I'd suggest your husband that gaming time is between so and so time and so and so time, and if he wants to do more on his own he can fit it in between shopping, cleaning, laundry, cooking, bathing, etc., etc. If he wants bonding time he needs to all the admin too.

There must have been a time when you first met that he wasn't gaming where you fell for him - people can change, sometimes not for the best, but is it worth reminding him what you saw in him to have two children with him, and that that is now missing?

Take time for self-care, forget about all the life admin for a while and just do what you enjoy. It's better to have a messy house for a while than burn yourself out. Only do things for yourself, obviously don't neglect your children but rather than force things on them, when they come looking for food or whatever, show them the whole process and explain how much time you spend on doing things you don't necessarily enjoy doing.

If they want something else to eat, take them shopping for it, give them the list and they can find it themselves.

Definitely don't do anything for your husband. If he's an adult he can look after himself. And make it clear that you're close to leaving.

Then, if you have somewhere to go, just go. And to be honest, with or without your children. He's a parent too, he should be able to cope, and if he can't, I don't think custody will be a problem.

Gosh sounds like you're in an awful situation, no wonder you've had enough of it. If your children were teens I think it would be reasonable to be honest and say how it makes you feel, and that you have thought about suicide or moving out. I don't think that's the right way to go with little children though. I'm not sure exactly what's best...

Maybe have an honest conversation with your husband and ask him what he thinks is best. Moving out or a compromise.

Switch off the router. Hide it.

You have three children. Do you want three children?

OP having come out the other side with a teenage son who was addicted to gaming, my advice would be to put restrictions in now.

I battled with my DS during his teenage years. It was hard but I did my best to ensure school work was completed etc before gaming time. He was regularly abusive towards me, removing the games totally just made it worse. He is a bright lad, but had to complete his A levels over three years (gaming was a factor).

Now he is 21. He reflects and admits how awful he was. He has no gaming console and is doing really well at uni. His peer group from school are still gaming. They have all quit uni and are at home doing the same as they were during their teens.

He is thankful I battled with him and put in those boundaries. At the time the easiest option would have been to leave him sat gaming day and night.

Just to add I am a single parent, so had no support from his dad, those teenage years were hard.