to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

I think OP said she had been with her DH for 20 years, not that she had a 20 year old DS.

I'm not sure what advice I can offer, but who is their primary carer? Who did the majority of actual parenting? Would your DH be likely to want/ able to do custody full time if you split?

@Porridgeoat

Involving them in planning time together is key. What would they like to do when away from computer games?

Nothing else, that's the OPs point.

It sounds like covid has given them their Ideal life. Nothing to do except gaming, and I bet the OP has been doing the lions share of running the house, cooking, cleaning and laundry, so it will have all happened magically in the background while they game.

OP, you're allowed to move somewhere else to flee domestic abuse, which this is tending towards. Obviously you don't appear to be in physical danger, but your DH sounds emotionally abusive and is not participating in a relationship with you.

I'd get the husband out or go and take the children with you.
Try to reset them , you can't change him but you can help them.
Good luck. Sounds awful.

I'm a massive gamer so was going to gently defend your DH and sons until you said he wanted Fortnite banned when the kids didn't want to play it with him. That's a massive dick move and shows that he either has no empathy for how you feel or just doesn't care. It sounds like you're in a very unhappy marriage and should divorce.

However, I think you are being bit defeatist and dramatic in saying you've lost your kids. True gaming addiction is very damaging, but if you kids are going to school, doing their homework and maintaining friendships they aren't addicted. If you were to divorce, I think you would be unreasonable to want a gaming free house, because that's their hobby, but you could limit it so that you get to spend time with them too. They may winge, but they love you and will come round.

Can you speak to the school for advice? They may have some resources you can show your husband about the impact of too much screen time in children. If you can get him on board there’s a chance you can improve the situation together, if not then I think you’re right to think about leaving so you can give them some normality on your own.

This is really hard, my children are younger but I can imagine this happening as they get older.
I think if we weren't in lockdown there would be some easier suggestions of alternative things to do, and I'd suggest maybe things like screen free camping trips in summer.
With your DH maybe initially framing the conversation not around reducing gaming time but more around you wanting more time with them or them to experience certain other things, or learn other skills, may help as it might make him less likely to become defensive. E.g. "on Saturday I'd like us all to go x place to do X". Don't mention gaming at all, and I would expect and accept that they're likely to want to game straight afterwards but you could hopefully work on building up this non gaming time and finding other interests.

Appreciate this is difficult and ideally you would have some support from your husband on this. I do think this is like an addiction for all of them though.

I don’t know how you have let it go on for so long.

The dc should not be on devices for a whole weekend, it’s sooo unhealthy.
I am not anti gaming, I used to love playing when younger but I also loved playing on my bike, reading and seeing friends.

There should be a 2 hour limit on devices per day.

If your DH refuses to engage in this convo you need to leave, if they ignore your existence apart from you being their slave, what’s the point?

Are you in your 20’s? If so you have a long life ahead and can start your life again without such arseholes.

Just seen that you have been with DH for 20 years.

I’d still leave, life has more to it then watching them game.

What kind of personalities do they have? What will yours sons be like as adults and as husbands and fathers themselves?

Not great ones if all they do is game...

I know it was hurtful what ds said but he is young, he doesn’t understand the impact of his words or what you actually do towards facilitating his life. If this weekend you did nothing, locked yourself in a spare room, enjoy movies or a hobby cook just for you what would happen.
DH needs to step up here and make an effort, but I’m guessing you’re way beyond hat as you have posted here. Is there anywhere you can go and leave them to it for the weekend, I know lockdown makes this almost impossible.

You should maybe start getting prepared copies of all finances etc.

Ps have you been with DH for 20 years or is he in his 20s?

@23451A

I that case I think you need to think about leaving and at least try to offer a different life for your children. Being stuck to a screen is such a boring one dimensional life, but it's addictive.

I'm sorry you are in this situation it sounds utterly shit and unhealthy.

Sorry, but this is what I think you need to consider too.

That’s so sad OP, no way to live a life - for you or the kids. Is there anything they enjoy doing? Football in the park, bike rides, baking? Did they do any organised activities prior to Covid like Scouts or gymnastics? Has the screen time situation got worse since lockdown? I can’t imagine what I’d do except have vvv serious words with my DH but it sounds like you’ve already done that and he doesn’t care.

@bombastical

I’m having counselling and through counselling I’ve learnt that you can’t change other people. He is who he is. He calls all the shots because gaming/computers are the dominant force in our relationship. I’ve spent our marriage second best to whatever computer game is being played.

This is heartbreaking imo. To think that the three people you love best in the world and who rely on you so much put some fucking stupid game above you in importance is just so sad.

I'd leave the whole lot of them, frankly. They probably wouldn't even notice until a meal failed to appear. You appear to be getting nothing out of this relationship and for your DH to think it's acceptable for their "fun" to take precedence over your happiness speaks volumes imo.

Does he have any idea how you really feel? If you said "Either the gaming reduces or I'm off", would it be a wake-up call or would he just pick the gaming?

I’m very sad for you but I think you need to separate.
He’s an addict and the kids are headed that way.
At least if you had your own household you could have control over the gaming the time they’re with you.

OP, how are your DC doing at achool?

How old is the oldest child and how are they both doing in school?

Do you work outside the home?

Does your DH or DC do anything around the home?

@bombastical

It’s too late for a different life though isn’t it? They’re now addicted and the genie is out of the bottle. I leave and it’s still a competition. Nothing compares with the gaming so I’ve lost them whichever way I turn. They’re going to hate spending weekends at my boring house and live for gaming weekends at daddy’s. I honestly feel so low and disillusioned and broken by this. I’ve lost my kids.

Your DC are primary aged so it’s not too late to change their behaviour. You haven’t lost them!

12 hours a day is a long time to game, and I love gaming! Could you have a 2 hour limit at one part of the day, do something together (or help DC find a screen-free hobby) for a few hours and then the DC have another 2 hour limit of gaming later in the day?

It is so tricky for children at the moment because it’s too cold to play outside for hours. They can’t meet friends. I feel for them. Could you schedule in a long walk together? Or find an arty hobby for them? Board games?

He is being v selfish. I'm on the other side, the kids and I are obsessed with sport, playing it, watching it, talking about it however DH hates it so we all make the effort to find things we all enjoy because that's what you do as a family. If he won't compromise then I think you need to leave

Oh and I don’t like Fortnite either. It’s not my type of game. Get yourself a Nintendo Switch Lite! You don’t need to ban gaming, but your DSs would benefit from some family time and screen-free hobbies.

OP - have you seen the TED talk by Bruce Feiler on Agile Programming - for your family?

One of the ideas mentioned is kids creating their own checklists of things they need to do.
Could you get the kids to research (online research so they might be up for that) some basic things to put on their checklist e.g.

• the amount of sleep a child of their age should have
• the amount of exercise
• the amount of reading
• the life skills they should have at their age e.g. packing their school bag, making their own breakfast, etc.
• the amount of screen time that is appropriate.

That way the kids work out what they should do instead of you having to dictate. The screen time could be dependent on completing everything on their daily checklist.

Can you try to get it through to your husband that he is doing his sons no favours? How does he imagine they are going to grow up if they are this addicted? They are going to know so little of the world, they won't socialise, their muscles will literally atrophy, and their chance of making rewarding relationships are somewhere around zero. Point out how it's destroying your relationship with him.

Is it worth also going on strike with him? How much housework is he doing if he spends this much time with screens?

Pre covid did you children do other things...play dates, sport etc at the weekend?
If they did then you can hang on to fact this will start again at some point.
When they were in school did they do any after school clubs?
I'd be separating and making plans to get both boys enrolled in non gaming activities.
They will probably hate it at first but then come round.
The wider the range of things the higher chances they find other hobbies they enjoy.
The other thing I would do when you have your own home.. Get them a pet.. Puppy or fish... Puppy because you can insist they walk it every day, go to training classes etc, or fish cus again they need cleaning out, regularly and you have daily tasks.. Checking water temp etc.
Anything that involves them outside of gaming.
Your home, your rules...

YANBU OP

We have a lot of gaming in our house. We all game.

However, I’m the biggest advocate for fresh air and exercise in our house and I’m the one constantly setting limits, having the most “screen battles” etc. DH does his bit but it feels like I drive it.

That’s the hardest bit. OP. Set limits - you are a parent. If your DH doesn’t back you, then you explain that you wish to leave as you’re not on the same page. That’s the end result.

So sorry op, this sounds like a horrible situation. Unless it's dh saying to the boys they need to do something else or have less game time, it's not going to work (and it just makes you the baddie!) could you have a diy day? Using tools etc? As i type this I can imagine how un-fun this will be compared to gaming, sorry!