to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

You can do this, it is so easy to block the game, so they can only play off line games.
It's a start and you can already say, Daddy is not playing games so you can;t.
Can you find loads of data about how it effects children, and send it to your Husband.
But do stop making his life easy.
Your not the staff.

This sounds awful op. I really feel for you.
Have you tried researching the stats on how addictive gaming can be and the effects on young people. Then if you could at least get him to put some limits on it so that it’s gradually reduced, it might not be such a sore plaster to rip off?
Unfortunately like others have said it won’t change until you get him on side though. Do you think he realises how bad it’s got for you (and that you are considering leaving?)
I really wish you the best of luck.

I think you have a responsability to teach your children that there is more to life than gaming.

You ask for suggestions for things to do with your children. Well there are an infinity of things, but horse-riding is what came to my mind.

However cooking, which I was just doing with my granddaughter is also good fun.

There are at least two separate issues here - probably the most important is that the marriage sounds as if it is over and so you should think about leaving and improving your own life. If you can work that out then you can start tackling other issues. It won't all happen overnight but take the first step and make a start

[quote bombastical]@StormBaby this is my greatest fear. Is the gaming the reason they go back? Did you leave because of the gaming? Do you only have boys?[/quote]
I think this is a good reason to leave your marriage now. At this point you have years while your boys are still young enough to be expected to spend regular time with you. If you wait until they're old enough to choose to only spend time with their dad, maybe they will do that.

Like others, I can't see any other alternative than to split up with your husband. I honestly think he is destroying your sons' futures. And while you're together and he is undermining you and teaching your sons to despise you, how can you change that?

Once lockdown is less strict, you might try geocaching with them - you could sell it as gaming adjacent I think but it is outside and requires you all to interact. Or you might even try Pokemon Go?

My ds for years has gamed continuously at his dads and then comes home to normal life. I give him normal boundaries for gaming at home and we do stuff like walks and diy together.

I don’t criticise his dad or gaming I just offer an alternative. You can do it ! Don’t give up before you have tried

That's why you need to do it now. Otherwise you are enabling their problem. Imagine it was a different addition?

Start taking care of yourself and kids only. Cooking, washing, only for yourself and your children. He wants fresh underwear, he can find himself one.
Leave the bedroom and sleep somewhere where there's no telly, only yourself.
Talk to your children openly. Tell them, you don't feel positive about them spending so much time gaming. Take them out for a walk.
If all that fails with your boys, you need to consider leaving them and moving out on your own. Be open with your DH and tell him, you can't leave like this. Don't feel guilty. You've done all you can.
Fingers cross.

This sounds so awful OP, I am very sorry it's come to this. I really hope you can get some decent support - I was wondering are you close to your own parents, what about PILs etc? have any of them got the slightest idea about how bad things have got?

Is a lot of the gaming done on the family telly in the living room? Because if so, I'd start with that.

Either get there first and put on a film - or whatever telly you like - and stick to it, so don't go and start cooking or whatever. Or just say which evenings are yours for the telly and which for his, and if he wants to crouch in the bedroom gaming that's up to him.

Your marriage is clearly over.

Your focus needs to be saving your children.

This is terribly damaging for them.

Would you contact social services for advice?

You need support.
Your children need saving from their father neglecting his duty.

This will impact their education.

Time to contact their school for advice and support.

Get legal advice on getting him out and instigating a divorce.

In the meantime go visit family or a friend for a break and to check out your options.

Awful situation to be in

Try here

gamequitters.com/ It's the biggest online community for gaming addiction.

Old but good

You can't not do something just because you think you might 'lose your boys to their Dad'.

That's giving up before you even started. At the moment, they are already lost to you anyway... And they've developed an addiction.

I agree with PP.

End the marriage. Don't take the games away when they're at yours. But slowly carve out non-game time. Eating time and hygiene time to start. Then when schools go back, maybe some after school clubs. Any kind, even something like chess perhaps.
Just to get something different going.

@bombastical the gaming contributed, ex DH was a lazy ignorant pig who let me do everything. I have an adult son with a gaming addiction, but it was my daughter that moved to her dads for the console access.

If nothing else you need to save yourself.

Please read the messages where posters say that the kids game at their dads but have some normality at their mum's house and still love her, as well as the terribly sad one from stormbaby. I'm so sorry it got to that, stormbaby

But now -is- the time, OP. If you do nothing now, nothing will change and you can see the future very clearly.

20 years of this is far too long. You have the power in your hands ... talk about this to your counsellor, lovely. Good luck.

Good luck OP.

My son is now 17 and I keep to very strict rules especially in lockdown. He must do 10,000 steps before he can go on his console. Most MNenners would have a outcry about this. But my house my fucking rules!

I like this rule 😈

Not surprised you feel so bad OP. This is shit. Do you have any friends or family you can ask for support? You sound very isolated.

Lots of people aren't reading the thread. OP knows how bad it is. And it's way past 'put limits on gaming' level. The sticking point is husband actively undermining and sabotaging OP. 'Kick him out' is nearer the mark but how if he refuses and says 'you go then'?

@YoniAndGuy is right about being smart. Find a solicitor and talk to them about the clever options. You need to know what you can do about getting the kids into a place with you for 50% of the time minimum. And you need to move on that asap, so you have at least a year to work on shifting things before they get to say they want to live with dad full time without knowing how shit that would actually be for them.

What you can do today is gather information. What are the practical sides of this - do you work, does he work, who earns what, who pays for what, whose name(s) the house is in and rented or mortgaged. Could you move in with anyone like family at least temporarily, either just you or you and the kids? You need a practical plan for how to work a 50/50 residence split and then you can get to work on the kids.

But get someone on your side. Who's in your life that you can confide in, and would give you some practical help in a way your counsellor can't?

@UniversalAunt

BTW, when the kids stay EOW with him, & the food is crap, beds not so comfy, only online games available, they can’t see their friends, not even a smidge of Disney Dad treats to build rapport, then they’ll know for themselves that Mum loves them & wants the best for them.

This is what will happen. See a solicitor, get him out.

He sounds like an absolute arse. No respect for you whatsoever, your relationship has long ended sadly.

The way I see it, you have two options:

1. Stay, continue being unappreciated, grow more miserable and most importantly to you, your boys become mini versions of him. They game 24/7 and have a one dimensional life.

2. Leave him. He tells you to leave so do it. Sort your finances out, get your ducks in a row as they say on MN and look at rebuilding your life. Your children will be with you at least 50% of the time so that’s 50% of their lives that won’t be dictated by an obsession. Yes they’ll moan and complain but 100% when they’re older and well rounded adults (which they sure as hell won’t be if you stay!!) they will see how much you care and that you want the best for them. 50% of the year spent with a useless deadbeat dad is better than 100%. And I’m sure the novelty will wear off once he has to wash sick of the bedding and feed them something other than takeaway as they will inevitably get sick of it.

Good luck to you OP, this is no way to live. FWIW my husband games but since having DD (baby) has dramatically reduced and wants to spend time with her playing/reading/cuddling. He has also made the effort to look into parenting and research about how to do things well to raise her well. He still games but more so in the evening when she’s in bed which is fine by me. If he became obsessed, there was no way I would be able to stay as that’s no way for a child to be raised.

Agree with ruby violet. See a family solicitor,tell them what you've told us.

You need to get him out of the house, he's the one who has a terrible influence on the Dec.

DC, not Dec.

Move out, buy them an Xbox with headsets, let them game with their friends whicg is much healthier. They might thank you for it. Or insist your DH let them play Fortnite with their friends. Don't give up.

How are things at the moment, op?