to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

I suggest you - and you can make your DH do this too - have a close look at the published research which investigates the deleterious effects of excessive gaming/video games etc on childrens' development. The impact on their ability to concentrate is not to be underestimated.

I would tackle this now before you have two kids starting secondary school who are incapable of reading a single chapter in a book because it doesn't have chases/explosions/dazzling lights in it. I am not exaggerating .

Secondly, the selfishness and arrogance of your DH is breathtaking. It's clear that he chooses his joystick over you, OP. This situation needs to change right now. Good luck .

@DinosaurDiana

I would be interested to know from solicitors as to whether excess gaming by a father can be a reason to divorce, and a reason for the children to be placed with the mother ? Just interested, not wanting to start a fight !

Courts would look at what's in the children's best interests overall. Excessive gaming could be taken into account, especially if it impacts on school attendance, lack of exercise etc

But, lots of children do lots of gaming, and it's not the court's role to be too quick to judge how people raise their children

If your children are primary aged they do need restrictions on the amount they’re on screens. They may need to detox from it a bit too, and that’ll be entirely up to you. You need to put your foot down and help them lead lives that don’t revolve around screens, no matter what your husband says

I'm willing to bet that you do all the housework, laundry, and cooking. I would split up, your husband sounds like an absolute twat. But I wouldn't be so sure about the kids "living for their weekend with dad" as I strongly suspect dad's house will soon become a dirty shit hole with no food or clean clothes and them only being allowed to play the games dad wants, while mum's house is lovely and clean and they're allowed to game with their friends as long as its in moderation. They'll probably bitch about screen time limits at first, but I don't think it'll take long before they're reluctant to go to their dads for the same reasons you're reluctant to stay married to him - because he's a lazy selfish twat. Either way you've got to do something. 12 straight hours of screen time is insane, but doubly so for a primary aged child.

This will never change unless your DH changes, and he's clearly told you he doesn't want to change.

You can change things for your children, but only by leaving DH. I know it's probably not what you want to hear, but I think deep down you know this already.

I agree with the PP who pointed out that life with dad won’t be so much fun once dad has to cook and clean and sort the laundry too.

Your DH is only able to be “fun dad” because you do the hard stuff.

If you leave, it won’t be fun dad’s house vs boring mum’s house for long. When dad is the sole adult in charge of them he will have to be nagging at them to eat their dinner or go to bed. And if he doesn’t they will notice that they are getting crappy meals and feel tired and crabby when they are at his.

Meanwhile at yours they will get delicious meals and get the chance to try fun things they’ve never done before (they think they don’t think anything except gaming at the moment, but that’s because they don’t DO anything except gaming!)

I’d split for a while, give it a year and I bet things will turn around eventually.

Sounds like your DH is more interested in being a child himself and enjoying the games than in his childrens wellbeing and relationship with their mother. The kids will come to see this selfish attitude in time, as they grow up. You haven’t lost them xx

Does your husband work? And are your D.C. doing ok at school? Does DH do his share of parents evenings, doctors appointments etc?

I'd suggest a more subtle approach, based on acceptance of the status quo, and try and make small shifts to gradually gain ground. Don't waste time, energy and emotion on something you can't win.
Make sure household tasks are sensibly shared- don't pick up all the work while they are gaming.
If you do meals, get them involved with that. Tell them to take turns to help you make it, and they get to choose what to have.
Make someone help you shop because you need help with the trolley.
Get some rewards lined up- new mouse/controller/game/whatever and work out how they can earn them. Chores for pocket money, things like that.

I'm not saying, don't leave. Maybe you will. Maybe he'll leave and be Disney dad, rather than pulling his weight with the D.C. all week. But while you are their, gently push back- make meals times longer, insist on your turn to use the tv, get help with various things. My preteens and teens liked feeling strong, and helping me with things I couldn't do alone.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I'm willing to bet that you do all the housework, laundry, and cooking. I would split up, your husband sounds like an absolute twat. But I wouldn't be so sure about the kids "living for their weekend with dad" as I strongly suspect dad's house will soon become a dirty shit hole with no food or clean clothes and them only being allowed to play the games dad wants, while mum's house is lovely and clean and they're allowed to game with their friends as long as its in moderation. They'll probably bitch about screen time limits at first, but I don't think it'll take long before they're reluctant to go to their dads for the same reasons you're reluctant to stay married to him - because he's a lazy selfish twat. Either way you've got to do something. 12 straight hours of screen time is insane, but doubly so for a primary aged child.

Yup, exactly this. You are the parent who is mature and would be able to provide what those children actually need. Dad seems fun at the moment but will be less so when you've broken up, as long as you do it right.

Frame it all in a positive way for them and they will come to you easily. You'd give them love and attention, decent meals, a clean house. Recognise and understand that games are important to them - don't make them "bad" or ban them - they obviously love them, so indulge that! Set screen times - an hour a day or whatever - and even watch them play or play with them during those times. It doesn't have to be a chore.

Your DH has an addiction and sadly he is going to struggle. It hopefully won't become a competition but, right now, he is ill you are the more capable parent in every way.

I wouldn’t normally say this but I think you need to leave. For the sake of your own happiness and the mental health of your children leave and carve out a new life for yourself.

I understand your concerns that you’ll just become the boring parent but I don’t think you should underestimate the impact this constant gaming is having on them. I assume that you would have the majority of custody, you can fight for a different life for them and for you even if it is tough and they may resent you for it at times I think you owe it to them and to yourself to try. What’s the alternative? Life like this for the rest of your life?

Maybe other gamers on here could suggest some games other than Fortnite that the boys might prefer to play with their friends. If they enjoy it enough you might be able to use it as leverage- come and help me make some biscuits & you can play x for an hour later. Be sneaky. Also force yourself to get right in the middle of it so it’s not the ‘you against them’ that DH has (unconsciously) engineered. When it gets to mealtimes it’s ‘DH can make lunch because I need to practice - DS can you show me how to do xyz?’.
Once they aren’t playing with DH he might actually listen to you.

Alternatively remove a few fuses.

I think its absolute horrific parenting from your husband who thinks its acceptable to allow children to game morning to night.
My 13yr old would be in his element if we allowed this. He has a tablet which he installed a few silly games like among us and paper.io and word puzzles but he still has to ask the permission to play, alongnwith his younger siblings. Otherwise he would never be off of it. I allow a few evenings a week after homework to play a game or two but I monitor it as I really dont want the kids turning into game freaks. Plus he uses the tablet all day on Microsoft teams so I would prefer to limit the screen time.
We do play battlelands royale as a family a couple nights a week. But it's no more than an hour tops.
I'd hate to be in your situation. But you need to put your foot down. Very sad that your hubbydoesnt respect or listen to you.

Gather up all the devices when they're in bed asleep and put them somewhere they can't get their hands on them.
Your husband's reaction to this will be your answer as to whether you stay or go.

Poor you and your poor children. Honestly, aren't you tempted to murder your "D"H in his sleep to save both you and the boys?

In the short-term, you need to go on strike... refuse to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing and instead just get meals and snacks for one (you). They'll soon complain and then you can try to set some limits for the boys (for example, they come to the supermarket to help with the shopping or come for a walk). Completely ignore your husband... don't feed him or do anything for him. Treat him with the contempt with which he treats you.

In the long-term, I think you should look at leaving - you sound so unhappy . At the very least, you will have a happier, fuller life alone. But I think the lure of gaming will wear off somewhat for your DC without their dad around pushing the gaming agenda and with you offering alternative, fun activities. In any case, you'll have a much better chance of reclaiming the relationship without their dad there.

I think your dh is really irresponsible as a role model.
I am a gamer and my ds is too. I set strong boundary from when he was younger, no gaming unless he has done his homework, chores, and no gaming in the evening after dinner.
My dh isn't a gamer. And my ds loves spending time with him too, so he drops gaming as soon as dh suggest to do something else.

Time to go on strike.

Make your bedroom lovely, chuck a duvet on the couch for your ‘husband’ and retreat.

Go out for walks, watch Netflix on your phone, do what you like - but DON’T cook, clean or wash for them.

They’ll soon miss you.

Dh needs to leave. My ds is obsessed with playstation and gaming but my dh supports me and we set time limits on gaming which is 2 hrs per day after homework is done . I can't imagine my dh being part of the problem and encouraging the gaming, I really feel for you. He's addicted and you need to treat it like that. If he was an alchololic introducing your children to drink or drugs you would leave wouldn't you? Its the same thing. Its just so unhealthy and I know its a battle to keep them off it but my son is a different person when he's on games for too long so uncontrolled amounts of time would be awful. I'd tell dh to go, set time limits with the kids. Maybe dh will realise he's been a dick after a couple of weeks and agree to support you. I feel for you but you need to do it for your kids and yourself.

It you total it up your young kids are spending nearly 1000 hours a year playing games that brings them very little benefit, especially long term. It's just a dopamine hit like many get from their likes on opening FB, except extended over many hours. Just think what they could achieve, the skills they could build with that time. Of course there must be time for "own fun" at weekends, but 20 hours in front of a screen isn't fun. They might think it is but it isn't. They're seriously addicted.

@Shelby2010

Maybe other gamers on here could suggest some games other than Fortnite that the boys might prefer to play with their friends. If they enjoy it enough you might be able to use it as leverage- come and help me make some biscuits & you can play x for an hour later. Be sneaky. Also force yourself to get right in the middle of it so it’s not the ‘you against them’ that DH has (unconsciously) engineered. When it gets to mealtimes it’s ‘DH can make lunch because I need to practice - DS can you show me how to do xyz?’. Once they aren’t playing with DH he might actually listen to you.

Alternatively remove a few fuses.

Yes - this is why I asked what games they are playing and if they are age appropriate.

I can imagine a scenario where dad is playing shooting games and 8 year old thinks it's cool and wants to join in but can't actually do it.

The best console for this age is Nintendo Switch, and DH is unlikely to be as interested as there are a lot of kids games like Mario. It can also be played handheld and doesn't need to be hooked to the TV.

OP you could actually go the other way and look at getting your kids a Switch, as it's age-appropriate. Then they would be more on that than on the playstation - they are much more likely to like it and to actually be able to do the games, and the games are less likely to interest your DH.

Just a thought.

Don't worry about your children finding you boring if you split up. You are being the responsible parent. They might not like it in the short term but they will eventually.

Am I missing something? Pre covid OP did her own thing and wasn't actually bothered what DH and the kids did?

There's no mention of housework, it's just assumed by some that she does it all...because he's a man.

Now she expects them to suddenly change their lifestyles, which she enabled and it's borderline abuse/LTB when it doesn't seem that she's actually said a damned thing about it.

It's not something that's going to be sorted overnight. Start to limit the kids. That's a foot down moment. Explain rationally to them that they are spending far too much time on screens. Get the respective app and set time limits (extra can be added for especially good behavior)

As for him, talk to him. Don't go in all guns blazing but be honest about how it's making you feel. If he doesn't change at all then consider the next step.

OP I agree with PP - do you do everything else whilst they game? I am assuming so? That's just not fair and I'd stop. If they don't want you involved in their weekends just do what you want for the weekend. No washing, cooking, cleaning or shopping for them and we'll see how long fun dad lasts when they have no food etc.

It is absolutely not your fault that your husband is uncaring (and quite honestly an arse hole) BUT you are enabling this by doing everything to support this lifestyle.

It does sound like rather a lot and I have lived with 2 gamer sons and one who sometimes gets into it. Luckily for me they all just tended to have phases of it and then not so much. Currently the only one at home plays may be twice a week online with a friend on nintendo is it switch? A new one they bought and just for 2 hours or so.

I certainly remember my daughters spending 10 hours every day ion Saturday and Sunday at their riding stables as teenagers and no time for much else which was also frustrating and at the time having the discussion about really which is worse or better - that or their brother playing computer games particularly as the latter can be sociable too and lead to friends across the world.

in the poster's case it seems excessive and the children are primary school age - whereas at that age at one phase we had no TV (no computer games or internet in those days) during the school week even!!! Not sure we could enforce that these days and no TVs in bed rooms.

This really isn’t good for your boys either...agree you can’t change your DH and I’m not sure that leaving him on that basis alone would help much as it’s already a habit for them. However it does sound like there are probably other issues in your relationship. TBH it sounds like your DH is addicted.

My ex is a bit of a gamer and often spends his time with our girls playing games, he only sees them one day a week but it has definitely rubbed off on them. But at home we have no consoles, they do play on their computers though even more so during lockdown but often online with friends which although is more screen time a nice way to spend time with a group of friends....so my point is if you are that unhappy and do split with him they’d be growing up in a more balanced household. My new DP is not a gamer and I don’t think I could have another relationship with anyone that was - it’s just not an attractive habit in a grown, adult man.

I would give your husband an ultimatum based on the fact you say you’ve had the sensible conversations before.
Ask him to leave if that doesn’t work.
I’d then ban the gaming Monday to Friday at your house. Provide the stability and routine primary age children need while they are with you. I’d let them game all weekend at his.
I know this isn’t an ideal solution but there doesn’t appear to be an answer that will suit all here.

The last thing I would be doing is accepting this situation any longer. What about you? Your happiness? You’ve been ignored for far too long.

I completely agree that YANBU and it’s so sad what you are saying. Are the children going into school at all or is it all home learning at the moment? I’m wondering how far away you all are from normal at the moment that’s all and if you could alter your opinion to view this as a temporary situation and take steps to ensure