to not want to live in a gaming cafe

[bombastical]

I’d like to know if I’m being unreasonable because I’m thinking of leaving my marriage because of this.

I have a 20 year plus DH and two primary aged boys. All of them are addicted to gaming. Evenings and weekends are dominated by it. Friday night 3pm onwards is game night. Saturday 7am onwards through to when they go to school. It’s all they want to do. Last weekend my eldest spent 12 hours plus staring at a screen. YouTube to PlayStation to phone. My husband is the same. He’s often sat next to me playing a game on his iPad.

I feel left out and the odd one out in my own family and I don’t know what to do. Pre Covid I “did my own thing” and went out lots to see friends or amused myself in the house or sometimes joined in. My issue is that gaming just isn’t my thing. I try but I find it really boring! I’ve even got a Fortnite account so I have tried. AIBU to want a console/gaming free life? I negotiate. I drag them out for a walk (literally drag). I try engaging them in other things but all those things (Lego, movies, whatever it is) are hard work to get them to do, last 5 minutes and mean nothing to them. It’s a drag for them because it’s interrupting gaming time. I can’t hold a conversation with my eldest. He has no interest in anything else. He will literally push past me to get to daddy to talk about gaming on and on.

My husband loves it. He is “in there” and the boys adore him and they have an absolute laugh and a ball every single weekend absorbed into whatever game they are playing.

I feel left out and worthless.

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to feel this way but I just want a family that wants to do things I want to do/enjoy! AIBU? I want to have a relationship and chats with my kids that don’t revolve around the PlayStation. My eldest doesn’t care if I’m in the house or not. I could be gone forever and he wouldn’t even notice. He told me so yesterday. I just don’t see the point of the weekend anymore. I’d like some perspective on my situation please. I’m thinking of leaving and starting from scratch. On the weekends I have the kids I’d have no consoles and we’d do other things but then I think when they get to be older and can choose where to go I’m never going to see them. I feel like I’m in a no win situation. I’m sick of feeling like crap and I’m sick of being second best to computer games. This isn’t the life I wanted. Surely there’s more to being a family than this?

I think there is an interesting issue here around what happened with Fortnite. There's going to come a point when they mainly want to game with friends rather than their dad: that's just how teenagers are (it's part of healthy child development). What is he going to do then? Ban friends? I don't know the answer as to how to regain the balance OP: I really feel for you. [Flowers]

I think you're going to have to separate if you want anything to change. The boys will come around to the fact that there's no gaming at your house.

Ugh, I really sympathise OP. One of my family members is like this and I feel so sorry for his wife and kids (ages 2 and 5 - and the 5 yr old has special needs). The kids even at their young age are often on the playstation because it's the only way to spend time with daddy. His wife does all she can to reduce their screen time but it's a constant uphill battle and as they get older it's only going to get harder.

He is completely unapologetic about his gaming and is addicted to it. He's not even working at the moment and his wife does everything around the house whilst he games. They even have two TV's in their living room - one is just for his gaming with its own separate chair. We had a video call with them the other day and he didn't get up to talk across the room and say hi to us (he is the one who's my blood relative!)

So yeah - it drives me mad and I sympathise. At this point your DH might actually be too far gone to recognise that it's a problem. It's no different to any other addiction and he has to recognise the issue before he will begin to change.

I'm actually a gamer myself and it's an enjoyable hobby in healthy amounts. For kids it can be extremely addictive and they don't know how to cope with that. If they don't have a joint parental force putting a cap on it then they are going to suffer - and it really does impact everything - school work, social life, confidence, physical health.

I think you need to have a really serious discussion with your DH and tell him that you are thinking of leaving the relationship if things don't change. You are likely to get custody of the children if you do as you are their mum. You impose your own screen rules on them, and yes maybe they'll go to dad's at the weekend and play games - but that won't be as bad as it is now.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it really is like being a gaming widow. You deserve better and frankly so do your kids.

From how you were talking I thought your children were older than they are. There’s certainly time to turn this around. Also just because they’re really into gaming now doesn’t mean it’s always going to be this way. I remember losing an entire summer when I was 12 to a game but just one day I got bored of it and stopped. Obviously doesn’t help that your husband is promoting this behaviour.

I think you need to care about your own needs. If you like going for walks join a walking group to meet other people - obviously hard now but hopefully in the future when it’s possible. If you do decide to leave, your children are young enough to spend time with you and to get used to doing different activities.

Leave for a fortnight. Let your DH cope with life with the children, without you.

I’m sorry OP - he sounds awful. There is light at the end of the tunnel though, if you did leave him then your children wouldn’t be around him all the time. I’m sure there will be many arguments from them towards you, and they will say things they don’t mean but over time they will stop asking so much for their games. You can start with posting up a schedule of the day so they can see when they can use a game and for how long.

Good luck

Also OP of the youngest is 8, then the oldest is no more than 11 if both at primary.

Of course you can change it, it will be painful but it can be done.

I reckon your DH loves it because he doesn’t have to make any parenting efforts.

[quote bombastical]@hulloall I don’t think he’d care at all if I moved out. I think he’d be relieved that he could do what he wanted without having to consider me or compromise on what he wants to do[/quote]
This is really, really sad OP. But if this is the case, why are you staying?

I don't think it's healthy to stay with someone who doesn't care whether or not you're there and doesn't appreciate you. This is your husband - he should be your team mate, your life partner, your best friend. Not this.

This is not doing your mental health any good and you are not getting what you want out of life :(

Yanbu it sounds bad. But your dc will need help getting off and doing other things.

Obvs it shouldn’t just be up to you. Hard to get your h to change though. It all sounds a battle.

OP l am so sorry to hear about this shitty situation.
If it was me, l would stop doing all the wife work like cooking and washing clothes etc .
When they start running out of clean clothes or feel hungry that is your time to tell them they need to help out a bit.
My daughter is 9 and l am sure she would spend all day on Roblox if l let her but even in lockdown she is not allowed unlimited time on it.
Dh needs to grow up - sorry that might not be helpful xx

My DC are allowed to spend as much time as they like gaming. BUT there are certain things that need to happen first:

• Room tidied
• Some exercise (eg walk, basketball)
• All homework completed
• All extra work that I give them completed
• Chores done
• Kids clean, dressed, dirty clothes in hamper, etc.

They are also not allowed to game whilst eating and we take them out a few times over the weekend, even something like driving into the city to buy doughnuts.

OP, I think your family could benefit from similar rules. But you need your DH on board.

Just read what @BullOx said - that is a great idea if you have somewhere to go .
Let DH do it all. He might see the damage he is causing

Take the gaming out of the equation for a bit, and you’ll see the real problem is that your DH does not love or respect you, and isn’t a partner to you.

The boys pick up on this, and mirror his lack of respect

Get your finances in order and start divorce proceedings. Don’t mention the gaming as a problem, but the lack of love respect and support

When the boys are at yours, I’d allow them to game but with limits.

Also, yes 8yr old boys look up to fun dads, 13/14yr old boys not so much. By 15 they properly lock horns (esp. if dad tries to ban certain games)

The teen years are all about friends, dad falls out of favour

So start planning a different future

Oh op. that’s tough and worse at the moment.

It’s a DH problem, a massive massive problem
Mine play a fair amount on the switch with their friends and I’m ok with that as it’s the only contact they can have.

So while they are all gaming, who does the cleaning/cooking/shopping ?

@DinosaurDiana

So while they are all gaming, who does the cleaning/cooking/shopping ?

This!

The children are young enough you can turn it round, but I would worry that it will continue / escalate unless your DH is on board

I suggest you research gaming addiction, and let your DH know that, whilst you respect his choice to do what he wants, you are so unhappy that you are thinking if leaving. And then see what he does

Like any addiction, it can only be addressed if he wants to change

If you do separate, would the children live with you, or with him?

Be aware that, if you leave without the children, it'll be extremely difficult to persuade a court that they should move to live with you later on

Out of interest also, what games are they playing?

Are they age-appropriate?

I'm wondering what could grip both your 8 year old and your DH so equally that is age appropriate. Fortnite?

Can you start finding things you enjoy? Focus on that first, then finding a middle ground to bring them into your world more. What about baking? Start trying that yourself and become a bit of a pro and then bring the kids into that on a weekend, my kids love gaming but they will drop the gaming to come and make a cake with me or make a burger... Food is the way to their hearts!! And it can get them away from screens for an hour or 2.
Then you'll have to start working on the husband

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds like an awful situation and it sounds like your DH has a serious gaming problem and it’s having a seriously detrimental impact on the kids. I appreciate many people enjoy gaming but to spend all your free time gaming is not healthy. I also appreciate pandemic life can’t have helped if you can’t take the boys out to do activities with friends.

Does DH have any family you can speak to about his addiction and the way it is unhealthy for the kids? Could they try speaking to him about it?

If your DH is dead set on continuing gaming I think you should remind him how upset and left out he felt when the boys were playing fortnite and that’s how you feel. Explain how they aren’t treating you with respect and that he is enabling this bad behaviour which won’t help them later on in life.

There is no point just you limiting gaming time - DH has to be in it with you and enforce these boundaries otherwise it won’t work.

If he won’t listen, I think you need to explain to him how down it is making you feel, how you’ve been feeling borderline suicidal and that you want to leave. He might not really appreciate how serious this is for you because he’s so wrapped up in gaming. I think he also needs to seek help for his addiction. This might make him snap out of it. Either way, you need to look after yourself and put your well being first.

With the kids, I don’t think it is too late to get through to them but it would obviously help if DH was on board too. I wonder if you could instigate some “mum time” - just you and the kids to do something fun and screen free. Help them take up a pandemic friendly hobby like running? Bike ride? Games night? Getting really messy with painting? Getting them to help with baking or making meals?

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It sounds so hard and I don’t think you are being unreasonable. I would feel the same

Your husband is an addict.
Your oldest is too now. If it wasn’t for Covid would he go out with friends and have a girlfriend/boyfriend ?
I honestly think you should leave and save your youngest from this addiction, give them a better life. They will push against it to begin with, but I’m sure they would thank you in the end.

I would be interested to know from solicitors as to whether excess gaming by a father can be a reason to divorce, and a reason for the children to be placed with the mother ?
Just interested, not wanting to start a fight !

Unfortunately the problem is your husband. He has made this addiction seem like its not a problem. He has made this seem attractive. You are NEVER going to change this until your dh changes. I really sympathize as I have a friend who is battling the same.

I’m already borderline suicidal about this.

I am not surprised. What you describe sounds like hell. Like your home isn’t actually your home.

People will suggest quick fixes but, honestly, this has gone WAY too far and is really damaging you and your DC.

Your DH needs to leave and/or you need couple counselling. People CAN and DO change. But they need to understand why they have to change.