Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Affect

I wouldn't do it at that age. Maybe 6th form if it was a good enough opportunity.
However if you do then I would only make it a weekly boarding arrangement. Private school terms are short so it wouldn't be that much time away from home if he came home every weekend.

I didn't go to boarding school but a lot of my relatives did - weekly boarding from 14 (highschool) as they lived somewhere very rural. They all speak of it neutrally/positively.

I think 11 might be a bit young but by 13+ teens probably enjoy the independence.

I’d let him board. He sounds like the ideal candidate for a boarder.
My only question is will there be a big disparity between the kind of education he receives and his sisters?

I think he’ll be fine. Just keep communication open.

My brother went to boarding school from that age. He adored it and made amazing friends that he has a very strong bond with. I'd do it personally - he sounds like a confident child and so boarding with encourage him to be independent.

My mother got on better with my brother once he went as they each saw each other on good days without the tension of everyday.

@CodenameVillanelle

I wouldn't do it at that age. Maybe 6th form if it was a good enough opportunity. However if you do then I would only make it a weekly boarding arrangement. Private school terms are short so it wouldn't be that much time away from home if he came home every weekend.

It’s flexi boarding so could be every weekend But I know my boy - he’s very sociable. He would certainly want to have at least half the weekends at the boardinghouse with his friends

From what I gather - the weekends are a lot of fun and a “highlight” of boarding

So whilst I’d love him back every weekend, I know that the reality would probably be every other weekend at most and then his sister and I could take him out for lunch the odd weekend as the school is close

@AppleKatie

I’d let him board. He sounds like the ideal candidate for a boarder. My only question is will there be a big disparity between the kind of education he receives and his sisters?

I won’t go in to detail but good question - and no.

Both sisters at outstanding schools locally, one on a scholarship.

I work at a school similar to the one you describe. Our boys, especially the weekly boarders rather than full time, love it and have great relationships with their families. I'd bite their hand off. Only thing I'd said have you factored in the cost of uniform, kit, etc.. Its significantly more than state schools and if he loses it it does have to be replaced.

Thank you - all so interesting

Uniform not an issue but good point

I’d do it, sounds like an amazing opportunity for him. And sounds like he’d thrive.
If he ends up deeply unhappy he can always come home!

A good friend and boarded and she loves it but it meant she had no local friends for school holidays (as they all went home) and back in the hone town after she left school, even at weekends. Something to consider.

Well, we do have a lot of experience of boarding schools. It is a very popular choice here.

Points to factor in, you will no longer be a big part of your child's life once they go to BS, you will get updates from school and from your child, but you will certainly lose the day to day connection, and over time the children that attend BS absolutely do seem to become extremely independent, which is a good thing. They will choose what they share with you, rather than you being around and part of their lives. Their life will become very separate to yours in a way that most parents find difficult at first.

Not being there to share the ups and downs of teen life does impact the relationship, that shared experience will not be there, and as the years pass and they flit in and out of your home during the holidays (or sometimes not, they choose to take a holiday with a friend) they do become harder to pin down and then they go straight in to university.

So you are really saying goodbye now, to all intents and purposes. The long holidays are often spent with friends at second homes, and you become a side part in your child's life rather rapidly.

That said your child will have the best opportunities, and he sounds like a great fit. It is a decision for you, and your son. What does he want to do?

13+ with a child who is really keen to go is not a problem

Especially as you say there are frequent exeats and it's within reach for you to attend major events. And the holidays are rather longer, so you'll have him hanging around plenty of the time.

It does really depend on the child and their cohort in my view. You will either have a child you never see as they go and spend every exeat and holiday with friends around the world, or you will have a child that will come home for each and every one but may find it quite isolating with very few or no local friends to hang out with. It is no fun, and the onus will be on you to provide entertainment and activities.

One of the reasons so many do holiday with school friends are the sheer length of holidays spent alone otherwise. Our summer holiday is nearly ten weeks long, Easter is four weeks - ditto Christmas.

First - Congratulations!! What a

I couldn't think to stay away from my 11 year old (over attached parent here) BUT I think I'd do it. It's an amazing opportunity that not everyone can get.

Oooops that sent before I finished. What an amazing achievement!

Also I would make him come home Friday nights and drop him back to school on Sundays :) every single weekend.

I have no experience. I imagine it will be easier to get your ds a place in the local school than than the boarding school at a later date if he doesn’t like the boarding school. On this basis, if your ds is happy to go, I would try it. My dd is 12, almost 13. I wouldn’t have sent her younger. But this age, children are starting to really come into their own.

Personally I wouldn’t want my dd to go. She has a medical condition, which if triggered could be very dangerous (her heart stops beating but does automatically restart and could cause life changing injuries from falling). I did think some time ago about possibly sending her for her GCSE years but as the condition seems to continue, I haven’t pursued it.

Just to say, I think your ds’s age for me is about right if he’s going into yr9 or 10. However, just do have a big think about the implications of covid. I remember some boarding schools banned the children from leaving in the last lockdown.

I think it will be a wonderful opportunity for him, and I don't mean this in an insulting way it may be a better environment for him than a house full of females.

Do it! If you're keen the boarding schools at 13 are awesome. I went then and loved it. I was on the go from dawn to dusk, totally brilliant.
I also missed my parents but I learnt to really appreciate them when I went home. I went from grumpy teen to much more mature young adult. I would say it improved our relationship.

Take the place. Both my children went to boarding school at 13 and loved it. As long as it is close enough for regular contact, weekends at home etc then your relationship wont suffer. As a single parent I think my relationship with teenage children would have been much worse if I was the one laying down the law constantly - the school set the rules for school nights and it made life so much easier! There will also be more opportunities for sports and other extra curricular activities than at the state school.

My brothers went to boarding school. One from 9-18 years, the other was a bit more checkered but, effectively, 13-18 years.
They were both much closer and more emotionally attached to our mother than my sister and I who were at home. They were as distant from our father as all of us.

It's not set in stone that he has to stay if it turns out he hates it. I'd give it a go (assuming he's keen) and see what happens.

I'm a bit puzzled by the claim that the state school is more academic than the boarding school. Maybe if it's a selective grammar, but you didn't mention that.

If that's the case, then this honestly is not a superb boarding school. A selective school should naturally be aiming at much higher academic standards than a non-academic one. If it's a selective school but getting worse results than your local comp, what does that say about the quality of the teaching?

On balance, I wouldn't do it. My husband went to boarding school. He does have very close lifelong friends and enjoyed it and did very well there. But his relationship with his family was undeniably altered; in some ways, it seems frozen at 13. So although he has wonderful childhood memories, he seems to have very few teenage memories of family life and activities. His whole attitude to holidays is also a bit sad, reminiscent of the boy who cried every Sunday morning in bed for the first year and counted down the days to every exeat and half-term. I really don't think he was particularly homesick. But it's never going to make someone closer to their parents (unless perhaps the relationship was already very strained).

So you've got all of that, and then worse results too? Remember that universities expect higher grades from people from private schools.

I boarded at the same age and in the same situation (scholarship, close to home, similar sounding personality to your son - even down to the disorganisation). I loved it - the opportunities, the friendships - it was like a massive sleepover!

It would probably be naive to say it didn't affect my relationship with my family, but there's not actually anything I can put my finger on. Certainly we all remain close as adults. I know one of my sisters was quite upset when I first went though.

My DH boarded from 13 in very similar circumstances (academic scholarship, home at weekends, two sisters still at home). Looking back at it now, it seems to me that his relationship with his parents and sisters is a lot less close than my own and that boarding is probably a cause of this. They get on fine, no tensions, but he speak to his sisters infrequently and his mum normally 10 minutes a week. He says he enjoyed the school, did well academically and is still close friends with some of his fellow boarders. I do think he's less close to his family than he would have been if he'd not boarded. He's also found some aspects of parenting teens to be tricky and uncharted, with no experience of being a teen living at home - rules, curfews, having friends round, coming and going and not being in for meals, etc. His own lifestyle as a teen was so different. Boarding for his own kids, is not something he has ever wanted, despite being able to afford it if he wanted.