Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I would have LOVED it! My brother would have hated it!

As always, it completely depends on your child.

So you are really saying goodbye now, to all intents and purposes. The long holidays are often spent with friends at second homes, and you become a side part in your child's life rather rapidly.

OP, I hope you'll take no notice of the nonsense above. I imagine this poster is either not in the U.K. or speaking about a past century.

Boarding is immense fun for children who want it. No one is 'sent away' and, whether flexi or full boarding, you will be amazed at how often he is at home or how often you will find yourself at his school.

Utter rubbish to suggest you are 'saying goodbye' to him. In my completely current experience (I mean right now, not thirty years ago ...) boarding makes no difference at all to family relationships. Close families remain close, distant families, distant.

Remember, he'll be Facetimeing / phoning / whatsapping you pretty much as often as he wants outside lessons - day and night. And boarding staff are scrupulous about keeping parents in the loop.

And as for long holidays at other people's second homes ... As if! This isn't Enid Blyton-land. Boarding pupils like to be at home, doing absolutely nothing, during holidays. They're usually exhausted!

Please don't worry. If it's the right school and he's keen to go, he and you will have a fantastic time.

I boarded on a scholarship from 13 at a school not far from home and I absolutely loved it. I’m an only child so it just have been so hard for my parents to let me go but I wanted to so off I went! If anything it improved my relationship with my parents, I felt stifled at home and only ever wanted independence but I accept that may be different for your son. I was only a few miles from home but still to chose to spend a lot of weekends at school as that was when the fun happened! The opportunities boarding school gave me are just too numerous to mention and if my kids asked to go I would definitely support them (although I would miss them like crazy!).

@Thehop I agree about the polish thing. Friends who boarded vs me and my state grammar friends had very similar academic ability (in fact state grammar probably better academically) but the boarding school kids ability to hold conversations with adults, order meals, manage money, talk about culture and other countries was miles ahead. A lot of it I think is a sort of learned ‘front’ which is separate to their actual personalities but it seems to work for them.

The other thing is boarding school kids seem to get the ability to deal with more serious interpersonal issues without any adult input, for example relationship issues between them they sort out without asking a parent or sibling for advice or having that shoulder to cry on

If it was the only opportunity for your son then maybe.

But you have a great school up the road. He sounds very able and will thrive there. He will prob get into a better uni from state.

We have an image of boarding schools in the uk as ‘special’ because the kids get ‘chosen’. This plays to our parenting egos as someone external to us has recognised our child’s worth/talents. But they are businesses.

Trust your own parenting - you’ve raised great kids so why not carry on and keep the family close?

Because of this

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away

I can't see why you are even considering it other than because you spend a lot of time "nagging" him ?

@Blueeyedgirl21 I think you're right about the home visits dwindling and children creating their own little families. I think (and again I am biased) that this isn't simply because skiing is more fun than home. I think it's because there is a psychological need to replace the "lost" - or at least less present - family, and for some, deep down, to reject the family that's rejected you. It's not pretty but we can all relate to that a bit. Obviously parents of boarders will reject this notion utterly and as I said, I am biased.

From what you say, it sounds as though he's maybe a bit ambivalent about it. IMO it's a big step to take to send a child to boarding school, and I think in your shoes I'd be reluctant to do so unless he is actively pursuing it, especially when the alternative is an outstanding state school.
Of course, boarding school offer wonderful opportunities, but they also create distance between a child and the safety and security of their family environment. I can't help but think there is an emotional cost to this. What happens on those days when he feels stressed, or upset and overwhelmed, and just wants a hug from his mum. All that emotional support is so important, and I'm not sure that all the school pastoral support in the world can be a substitute.

Also OP, people who've never boarded will nearly always caution against it, because to them it's the same as 'sending your DC away', which it absolutely isn't. This attempt at making you feel guilty too is spectacularly crass: From your op it sounds like it's mainly to avoid arguments about organisation, which is a bit crap. It really is okay to want your DS to learn to be more self-sufficient and to put him in a situation where that is more likely to happen. So don't listen to the doomsayers.

Our youngest boarded from year 10. Moved into an established group a year later than everyone else at a well known public school with full boarding.
Our relationship was strong but personal circumstances pushed us into acceptance of her wish to board.

She thrived. It helped the relationship as there was no need to nag and no stropping; the school dealt with all that. The time we had together was nicer because no need to do anything but enjoy nice times together.

That said, full boarding meant driving to collect her most weekends or dropping off things for her to go to friends. Despite being full boarding most went home or to each other’s houses after school on Saturday.

Holidays became a bit more complicated as she, and her brother who transferred for sixth form, made plans with their friends to go on each other’s holidays without much consideration of dates and logistics. We did lots of juggling and collecting from airports.

They’re adults now and we have strong, close relationships. She’s here at the moment, but is moving to London to start her grad scheme at the weekend. We’ll miss her.
Her friendships from school remain very strong and she came out more confident than the state educated siblings - but that might be coincidental. It was certainly a positive experience socially.

My DP went to boarding school although at a younger age - 10 - he hated it and the separation from his parents. He initially started as a day student and then boarded. He said it did impact his relationship and his older sister didn't attend a private school or board. He loved the sport but hated the constant academic pressure to be the top. He struggles to express his emotions now, some might be due to being separated for a prolonged period of time from his parents, some might be personality but he said he felt very rejected when he attended boarding school.

Good luck.

@PursuingProxemicExactitude my cousin and I are in our twenties and he very much did spend large parts of his holidays doing extreme sports abroad with friends, at his best friends in Hong Kong or skiiing staying at best pal’ s skiing house (chalet?!) this isn’t unusual really. Not many 16-17 boys I knew in my teens who boarded came home exhausted to mummy and daddy in the holidays they had bigger fish to fry ! Maybe the younger ones yes but by year 11/12/13 it’s surfing, skiing, traveling, volunteering abroad, internships etc from my experience. Just like uni students do in their holidays. (Well not me I had to work 😂)

No personal experience but my best friend attended boarding school from 11, while her brothers stayed at home (similar situation to what you describe - she got a scholarship). She always says she did like it and there were positives but she is definitely not as close to her parents as her brothers. She's also totally against sending her own dc to boarding school, which I find quite telling. That's always put me off the idea!

My husband boarded from 10 years old, as did my brother, my Dad from 8 years old and I boarded for sixth form. It changes your relationship with your parents profoundly and you become far more independent. So, for instance, the transition for me to university was a cinch. The public school my brother and I attended was rife with hard drugs and terrible bullying. It had an awful, damaging affect on us both. I felt unable to speak to my parents about it because my school was costing them £££. The idea of in loco parentis is fine in theory but in practice, you were on your own and it was sink or swim. On a positive note, I flew academically and it opened my horizons.

Sixth form boarding is an option too if the goal is more independence? There are also summer training schools for sport etc so it’s not the only chance for this.

even 20 years ago it was still all wash your soap out with water and no crying after lights out.

100 lines for you. "I must not talk complete bollocks".

My nephews and nieces board and they seem super happy.

It seems to have organised the boys, and they need a lot less nagging in the holidays. That’s improved their relationship with their parents and family life in general. I don’t notice any other difference in their relationship with their parents. But when kids are coming back regularly at weekends it doesn’t feel like they’ve actually left.

The eldest two used to come back every weekend but now the oldest is in the sixth form he likes to stay with his mates some weekends.

That said if he’s very bright and the state school is more academic I would stick with that. It may well be easier to get into a good uni from a state school.

I’d probably leave it up to him - where in his heart of hearts would he like to go?

I think he has earned it, let him try it.
He is probably a bit nervous about going anyway and doesn't want to make the decision in case you would be upset by him going.

I think you need a bit more involvement from your son in the decision. It sounds like he's bounced it back to you to decide, why is that? It's very important that he has a say in this and I think you need to talk to him about the pros and cons of each and really get a better idea of how he feels.

Really at 13 he's old enough to have a say in his future - it's a lot of pressure for you to be the sole decision-maker, especially if he goes to boarding school and it doesn't turn out well. It is much better if it's a joint decision and I think you would feel more comfortable with that.

What does he want to do? I have always let my dd chose her schooling ,she’s not in private but if she got offered a scholarship and she wanted to go then I would support that, she chose the school she goes to now.

I think it’s a fantastic opportunity and the experience will be good for him.

@FlyingSuitcase agree - was in a brief relationship with a boy at uni who went to one of the top boys schools from 13 and boarded at a prep from 11, he spoke fondly of his family and would Skype them especially his brother who he was very close to (went to different schools) but he was closer to friends, they were his support network when he wasn’t well, not doing great at uni, having girl issues. They couldn’t be apart all holiday because they wanted to see each other, because being apart they missed each other more than they missed their parents at home.

@RickOShay

I agree with *@Hoppinggreen*. I truly think that if my family (parents, grandparents, etc) had not been sent to boarding school at 7, we would not be the dysfunctional mess we are now. There is no need for Empire builders anymore. The stiff upper lip can retired. It’s not admirable to deny yourself any kind of pleasure. Dark tales. But. I’m talking 60 years ago, even 20 years ago it was still all wash your soap out with water and no crying after lights out. I think the pendulum has swung thank god, and while I’m in no way a supporter of the public school system, I understand the need to do the best for your children. Talk to him again, and as pp say, if it doesn’t work for him and your family, pull him out. He sounds like the sort of person who would flourish anywhere, well done.

My 80 year old sdad can still remember how it felt to be “sent away” when he was 7. But as you say it’s very different now and I think OPs son should give it a try. Too many dc are sent to boarding school to make life easier for the parents or because it’s family tradition and those are really bad reasons to do it BUT it’s not the case for OP

There is something called 'boarding school syndrome'

My partner definitely has lasting damage. He really did suffer. That doesn't mean your son will although if you have a fantastic state school close by you have another option.

"The lasting effects of early boarding is a hidden trauma. A young child sent away from home to live with strangers, and in the process loses their attachment figures and their home. They're exposed to prolonged separation. They may experience bullying and loss."

Hmm. It's tricky for you OP. Your DS sounds amazing and very well adjusted so I think he would settle wherever he goes. However, I am wary of boarding school and its impact.

My DB to boarding school when he was 7. Only half an hour away but it changed him, and he has issues with family, making connections and relationships to this day. But 7 is very early, and I think 13 would be fine.

I think in your shoes, I'd do everything I can to reassure your DS that he's loved, always welcome at home (I'm sure you wouldn't but don't ever mention lack of space), and that you'd both choose boarding school because it's the right choice for his future. Sounds like both choices are good though, you are very lucky!

If he's happy with the idea then I would take the boarding opportunity. These kinds of opportunities don't come up every day, and ultimately if he isn't happy there is nothing stopping him from switching to the state school later on.