Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

I went at 11, home once every 6 weeks or so, and absolutely loved it. I'm outgoing, love people and thrive on change so it suited me well.

I have the best parents. Mentioned them on the thread yesterday when someone was wondering if there were any non abusive upbringings out there. It had zero affect on our relationship, they were living and supportive no matter where I was. But it did let me become independent and I thrived. Absolutely loved going home too. Best of both worlds.

A very tricky one. I am biased. I boarded from 10 and I think it had a huge impact on me. It wasn't obvious at the time but it hit me like a tonne of bricks in my 30s, when my own children hit the age at which I went away.

Parents of current boarders will say don't listen to ex-boarders, things are so different these days. That is undoubtedly true, but equally just because your child enjoys it now, doesn't mean there isn't damage happening that will hit them decades later. The acid test is whether they choose to send their own children away.

That said he is 13 not 10 and I can see the attraction. I think my worry is that he could see how it would simplify things for you at home so he might be too inclined to think he ought to go, thinking he's helping. Also I definitely felt like I belonged in the family less than my siblings who stayed home. Of course I was the outsider, because I literally wasn't there for much of the year, but chicken and egg, maybe I was picked to go away because I was already the outsider IYSWIM?

If he does go, the advice they still hand out is to put on a brave face to him and tell them how happy everyone is at home without him. My view personally is that this is quite unhelpful and it's much healthier to be honest about missing him, even if it means it takes him longer to settle.

I would google "boarding school syndrome" just so you are aware of it.

By 13 you probably do have a much better idea of how your son would take to it though. But you are essentially removing your main day to day influence so I'd want to be really confident the lines of communication with him would remain open.

I know lots of people who went to boarding school but we are talking 15 years ago. I'd say for the most (not all) it was a negative experience but they come from backgrounds where it would have been the expectation from day 1. They wouldn't have had any choice.

He sounds like a brilliant kid.

My mum told us she missed us terribly. I wasn't sophisticated enough emotionally to feel bad for her. Didn't affect my enjoyment at all.

Sorry I've typed too much already but I also wanted to add that your OP shows you are a switched on and empathic parent and that counts for a lot.

Can I also add, I knew a lot of people who boarded. And the ones who didn't get on well or who have problems now are all ones who had difficult home lives or tricky parents. Any of us who were emotionally secure at home were still emotionally secure at the end of the 6 years. It's not boarding that affects people, it's still their family which holds all the strings no matter where they are.

I wouldn’t give up day to day life with my children for anything. I think you’re giving away far more than you appreciate.

It’s like the difference between life before the pandemic and life in lockdown. Swapping family life for a couple of weekends and FaceTime isn’t something I’d do.

The only people I know who went to boarding school have life long issues with it.

I know a lot, as I went to a school which had boarders! I wasn't a boarder.

I also have two close relatives through marriage and have heard in depth from them. They are both 'successful' and generally fine but the effects will never leave them.

I would never do this to a child of mine unless it was therapeutic or I was in the forces. It is a negative thing to do, so I would only do it to avoid a greater negative iyswim.

I think it would be great for him by the sounds of it but he will soon stop wanting to come home every weekend and it will dwindle to holidays and then he will want to go to friends lovely holiday houses (because some will have these things) or skiing or whatever in the holidays and you won’t see him as much, doesn’t mean you won’t have a bond with him but he won’t want to spend as much time at home, this is my experience of friends who went to boarding schools. They create their own little families. Some of the kids he’ll make friends with will be very independent and might have boarded away from family since 8 or 9, they might have family in far flung places and create their own support systems. My cousin ended up spending most holidays in Dubai or Hong Kong with friends, absolutely amazing for him but think my uncle and aunt were stung a little that their perfectly lovely but ordinary house in the suburbs was no longer as appealing to him. He is a very well traveled, successful person with lots of connections though. I think that’s what the boarding school can give that the state school can’t really.

Contact with families is totally different now than it used to be.

My DH went to 24/7 boarding at 13. Only ever allowed out for exeat, couldn't even go out for exeat in the first term as they thought it 'unsettled' the new boys. Unless he had phone credit for the public phone and was prepared to stand in a long queue, he had no contact whatsoever with his parents between exeats. He really loved it and will say to this day it absolutely made him, but it did change his relationship with his parents and siblings.

These days the boys have their phones in their pockets at all times, they all have to have a personal device and the whole school is covered by wifi. I reckon most boys are in contact with their families most days. The school also has a different attitude to keeping parents involved. My DH spends inordinate amounts of time on the phone to parents talking about their boys.

My DS begged to board one night a week from Y5, because he wanted the Harry Potter sleep-over thing and he loves it. He takes his phone and I have a bedtime conversation with him and numerous texts even though he is only there one night, and he says all his flexi-boarder friends do the same.

I'm not saying it's the same as having them at home, but it's not the utter separation that it once was.

Boarding isn’t right for every child, but your son does sound like the ideal candidate.

For kids that enjoy the company of others and benefit from lots of stimulation it can work really well, and 13 is a good age to start (11 is a bit too young IMO). He’ll learn a lot about relationship building and will hopefully make some friends from all over the world and develop broader horizons/a deep sense of possibility.

I think boarding can really help a more relaxed relationship between parents and teens (my nephew boards and he is a bright extroverted but highly disorganised kid and I think it has stopped his mother killing him).

Also think there is much more back and forth between school and home than there used to be. It does accelerate independence, there’s no doubt about that, but in all the examples in my family parents and kids have maintained a close relationship.

Given what you’ve said I’d absolutely go for it, think it would benefit him and mean you can enjoy your relationship more in the tricky teen years.

just because your child enjoys it now, doesn't mean there isn't damage happening that will hit them decades later. This from @FlyingSuitcase perfectly sums up what I have seen in previous boarders.

I weekly boarded from 9 and very rarely wanted to come home at weekends I loved out so much! I do think it gives a polish and an attitude that’s difficult to achieve in a state school and does open doors in life.

Some of the kids he’ll make friends with will be very independent and might have boarded away from family since 8 or 9, they might have family in far flung places and create their own support systems. This is one of the risks - some of the other children will have been sent away very young and will have a big influence on your child's view of the world due to your child being stuck with them so much. This is what I observed at school.

I weekly boarded from age 11 (I was only just 11, end of August birthday!) I chose to go to boarding school, I absolutely loved it. I had a pretty terrible relationship with my parents (so nothing like you and your son) and so only seeing them at the weekends actually improved things because it made it more manageable. If your son is keen to go, absolutely send him.

I think it sounds like a great opportunity for your son. I went to a boarding school (although I was a day girl) and was really envious of the great friendships forged between boarders and all the fun they had! As it is such a good school, he will meet people who will be friends for life and there is nothing like the 'polish' he will acquire at such a school. It's something which can't be taught, you just become that person!

I have quite a few colleagues who went to various good boarding schools. Every single one of them said they would never do it for their child. A couple of guys were particularly vocal about boarding school experience, mentioning bullying, loneliness, abandonment and isolation. One of them said he will never forgive his parents for sending him to a boarding school and they should have structured their life differently or shouldn't have had children at all

I'd go for the good local state school. And I say that as a single parent of a (slightly older) teenage boy. Don't underestimate how much teens need you and need to be part of family life. I also think it would be unnecessarily disruptive for your girls. Kids grow up and are gone soon enough, don't speed that up with boarding school.

Take the place and let him try ..if he hates it and wants to leave ,we’ll at least he had a go ..
I’m sort of in the same situation with my son ,we are going to try ,and if he hates it ,we’ll he comes out

All the people saying they hated it ,,,and wouldn’t do it to their child ,if it doesn’t work have an agreement he can leave if he’s not settled..
I think you would,and he would regret not trying

I would absolutely try boarding, it sounds like an amazing opportunity for him that I think as an adult he will regret not taking.

The way the world works is a good education and a well known school opens doors. He should take the opportunity and at least try it out.

If it doesn't work out I'm sure there may be local private day schools that would offer scholarships as it sounds like your boy is very talented.

I agree with @Hoppinggreen. I truly think that if my family (parents, grandparents, etc) had not been sent to boarding school at 7, we would not be the dysfunctional mess we are now. There is no need for Empire builders anymore. The stiff upper lip can retired. It’s not admirable to deny yourself any kind of pleasure.
Dark tales. But. I’m talking 60 years ago, even 20 years ago it was still all wash your soap out with water and no crying after lights out.
I think the pendulum has swung thank god, and while I’m in no way a supporter of the public school system, I understand the need to do the best for your children.
Talk to him again, and as pp say, if it doesn’t work for him and your family, pull him out. He sounds like the sort of person who would flourish anywhere, well done.

@PracticingPerson

just because your child enjoys it now, doesn't mean there isn't damage happening that will hit them decades later. This from *@FlyingSuitcase* perfectly sums up what I have seen in previous boarders.

Exactly this.

Especially as it's your decision, not his - he may well question in later years why you chose to send him away when there was an excellent alternative option so close to home. From your op it sounds like it's mainly to avoid arguments about organisation, which is a bit crap.

As another pp said, this would be essentially the end of having him as a full-time member of the family at home - are you all ready for that?

I work with a lot of current boarders and it's not something I would ever choose for my own child.

I went to boarding school at 11 and IMO 13 is a great age to go, as long as the personality of the DC is right - and it sounds like your DS would be a great candidate for boarding. If he's up for it, then I'd say go for it - he'll probably love it!

As for your worries/hopes, he will become a lot more independent and self-sufficient as a result of boarding - mainly because he'll have to. All that forgetting stuff and losing stuff - he'll get in a whole heap of shit if he does that at boarding school repeatedly - so eventually he'll learn to take better care of his belongings and not be so disorganised and that is a very good thing! As for there being more separation between you and him - that's going to happen anyway as he grows up and IMO and IME that's no bad thing. I learned to stand on my own two feet from boarding - something that my day-school educated DSis took years longer to learn. Flexi-boarding is a gentle form of boarding anyway - he can go home every weekend if he wants - but I'm willing to bet that once he's settled and happy he'll actually want to stay at school most weekends - I certainly wouldn't have wanted to go home every weekend after the first term. Saturdays are taken up with sport, which it sounds like he loves, and Sunday there are always organised activities and chances to relax with friends.

Sorry, should have said wash your mouth out with soap after swearing