Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

If I was in your position, I would let my son go, it’s an opportunity to try and that he can always at some point say no I want to come home and go local school

He’s not 11

He’s 13

Boarding school seems polarising and I guess different people have different experiences.

I loved it. Of my siblings, 1 didn’t like school in general (and this was the case pre- and post- boarding). I am v close to my siblings - go on holidays as adults.

However, I think you have to be v self-motivated. If you are not a self-starter, you could languish academically. I guess I would also like to keep a closer eye on my child’s development as some people do have issues. I guess I would also worry a little that the school experience of 1 would be quite different from the other 2.

I think if I was in OPs situation I wouldn’t send him at 13. But I don’t think it would be unreasonable to do so (eg if he was v keen and mature, self motivated, ambitious AND the school had good pastoral care and academic support).

I went to boarding school (a long time ago now!) and was and still am extremely close to my parents. I honestly wouldn’t say it affected my relationship with them at all.

Sorry, I forgot to add... huge congratulations to your son as well. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity!

What does he want to do? It's an unpopular opinion on here but I'd let him choose! If he doesn't W at to go to a boarding school how could you make him! ?

Whilst the boarding school is described as superb the state school is described as outstanding.
On a scale I think outstanding is better than superb. I think going to a private school is clouding peoples judgements. I think if he is thinking of going to university then he will have a private school on his CV and that will put him at a disadvantage as universities are conscious of giving those from a state school background a boost.

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

My point, *@EstoPerpetua*, is that, given OP's concern is with family dynamics, the decision to send him to boarding school will unavoidably have an impact on that. There is no sense in which different people's boarding experiences vary wildly in that respect. They were all absent from the family home because of the decision to board. That will have affected family dynamics in every single case, just as it will affect them in the OP's case. It's fatuous to pretend otherwise. Will it affect them for the worse? Well, no one knows. Will it affect them for the better? Well, again, no one knows, but given OP currently has a good relationship with her son, it seems odd to imagine so.

Thanks for clarifying. All I can say is that my relationship with my children is neither better nor worse than it was before they went to boarding school. I obviously don't know what it would have been like, had they been to local schools - but I can honestly say that my relationship with them (single parent) and their relationships with one another remain very strong and very close (I only have one still boarding now - the others are older). My relationship with PFB is still PFB-ish, too .

@EstoPerpetua and @ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

I really appreciate that exchange

I don’t know how it will impact but given we are coming from a very strong and loving base, combined with fact that he will be weekly boarding so I will have weekends with him (collect Friday after school, drop back 7pm Sunday) and. he can stay the odd weekend whenever he fancies (when he hears they are planning on getting take away pizza on Saturday night I suspect! Or one of his closest friends is staying) - I am bit worried.

If I get worried, then we will re evaluate and I will be guided by my boy.

As for forcing him to go or not consulting him - suggest you read the thread. Although in brief (as the thread is now long) - Hell. No!!

not worried

@FlyingSuitcase

ZZTop how could anyone know the answer to that? Her recollection of events and mine clearly differ, and my experience is not defined by her interpretation of it. Except that it feels like bloody gaslighting being told it was all my decison.

My daughter definitely wanted to go - she drove the whole process. I did not want her to go, and had to be talked into it. You clearly had a different experience and are determined that everyone should be judged as if their situation was the same as yours.

Boarding school seems polarising

This thread has certainly illustrated that! One person's "wonderful opportunity" is evidently another's last resort.

I'm still not sure where the wonderful opportunity comes in - the chance to go to a school that's not as good as the other option, whilst also running the risks associated with children leaving home at that age.

not as good as the other option

What OP said was that the state school was ‘more academic’. There’s much more to a school than its academic standards.

There’s much more to a school than its academic standards.

Like what, though, in this case? I suppose that's my point, I haven't figured out what the advantages of the boarding school are and why it's seen as such a great opportunity. The results are worse, and there are risks involved in young teens living away from home. Those are two significant negatives - what are the positives that make this school not just on a par, but a wonderful opportunity?

Facilities - state schools however good just don't have the money for the kind of facilities boarding schools can provide. Private schools' sports facilities tends to be much better, although depends on the school. Music departments in private schools can be a million times better than the ones I've seen in even the highest performing state schools. Theatre facilities.

Smaller classes, higher teacher to pupil ratio. More time and money to give students individual attention. Opportunities to do all kinds of extracurricular things state schools can't provide.

Some boarding schools are absolutely beautiful - attractive buildings, lovely grounds - just a pleasure to be there.

Weekly boarding saves a lot of time commuting which could be better spent. My school journey wasted 2 precious hours out of every day - there and back.

Again, the OP didn't say 'the results are worse' she said it was less academic. But if OP & DS like the school's ethos, it's less academically pressured, less competitive and produces happy well-rounded students that might be a plus.

I'm not really sure what the risks of teens living away from home are supposed to be. They can take drugs and get pregnant anywhere.

It doesn't matter how many fantastic facilities a boarding school has , it doesn't have your mum at the end of the day. It doesn't have a hug when you are sad, a chat about your day, your favourite dinner to cheer you up.

@JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority this is exactly what my dm says. She went to a very fancy school abroad based in a chateau. She said the amazing grounds and the castle and all the art and music and weaving type stuff they did didn’t make up for not being at home. She and her brothers (who went to day school) are not at all close as adults.

My brother and I both boarded, separate schools and then together at 6th form. Loved it. Loved my home life, loved my school life.

Bought my brother and I very close and we share a fabulous group of friends 30 odd years later. My friends are all over the world, but pandemic aside, we meet up, usually for the rugby, in a different country each year.

Have the most fantastic memories, had a great time. Was very close with my mum, not so much my Dad but don't think boarding school had anything to do with that.

I have always been very independent and very capable. But would probably have been anyway.

Didn't send my children to boarding school but didn't have the money or need (my parents ran a hotel in the middle of nowhere). My brother and I had the most fantastic social life at school and had sporting opportunities we may not have had otherwise.

My son went off to board at 13 and it was fine. We didn't hear from him much during the term - he was in that zone, had lots of good friends and was kept busy pretty much all the time. It was too far to go and see him that often but there were exeats and holidays so the longest we didn't see him was three weeks.

Whenever I went to pick him up the first thing he would say is 'I can't wait to come home!', better food, peace and quiet, and seeing our cats were all things he looked forward to being with. I think he appreciated home a bit more by being away.

I did think that GCSE years were easier for all of us by him being away and surrounded by people who were all going through the same things - it's a hard time for work combined with adolescence and that took a lot of pressure off us at home.

I do not believe it damaged our relationship, we are very close and he is now at university. I do not regret our decision to board him one bit.

Boarding does not suit everyone but if your son is the sort of boy who will make full use of his opportunities and is ready to go then it can be a great experience.

@JackieweaverhasALLtheauthority

It doesn't matter how many fantastic facilities a boarding school has , it doesn't have your mum at the end of the day. It doesn't have a hug when you are sad, a chat about your day, your favourite dinner to cheer you up.

Not necessarily a plus. By the time I was 13 I was very independent and just found my mum annoying.

OP's DS is coming back at weekends, he's hardly gone to Mars.

@TatianaBis

Facilities - state schools however good just don't have the money for the kind of facilities boarding schools can provide. Private schools' sports facilities tends to be much better, although depends on the school. Music departments in private schools can be a million times better than the ones I've seen in even the highest performing state schools. Theatre facilities.

Smaller classes, higher teacher to pupil ratio. More time and money to give students individual attention. Opportunities to do all kinds of extracurricular things state schools can't provide.

Some boarding schools are absolutely beautiful - attractive buildings, lovely grounds - just a pleasure to be there.

Weekly boarding saves a lot of time commuting which could be better spent. My school journey wasted 2 precious hours out of every day - there and back.

Again, the OP didn't say 'the results are worse' she said it was less academic. But if OP & DS like the school's ethos, it's less academically pressured, less competitive and produces happy well-rounded students that might be a plus.

I'm not really sure what the risks of teens living away from home are supposed to be. They can take drugs and get pregnant anywhere.

true about surroundings! My DC went to a literally crumbling 1960s built comp. They were constantly closing bits off because they'd discovered asbestos. It was one of their drivers to go to an excellent university. In DS case Cambridge (and an old college not a concrete one -he'd had enough of concrete even tho the likes of Churchill are beautiful concrete!), and DD to Durham, rejecting Warwick and Exeter along the way because bits of them reminded her too much of school! Not that Warwick and Exteter aren't excellent; they just didn't have the beauty I think DC were craving after the mould and crumbling ugliness of their school surroundings!

At the moment (pre covid) my son was swimming training 2x a week.
It didn’t start until 7.30pm
He didn’t get back until 9.30pm earliest.

At boarding school, it has an indoor competition size pool. He can be in the pool within a 10 min stroll from his boarding house and will be able to go in mornings before school starts and straight after school before dinner.

He is fascinated and has a very strong aptitude for science. The boarding school has astonishing science facilities that had my son salivating!

Rugby - this is his sport. To say he loves and is good at it would be a understatement.

State school has PE 2x a week
Boarding school has PE 4x a week, matches very regularly and after school sports (and science!) clubs every day.

He is a keen debaters. The boarding school has a debating society that competes and it thriving at the school. The state school doesn’t.

The state school is ofsted outstanding, highly regarded locally and academically outstanding. It is highly selective. In GCSE and A Levels it narrowly does better.

OP so if it's highly selective, the state school is a grammar? Did I miss that?

The boarding school sounds like a much nicer school, but I would never board mine so would be looking at how to get the things he likes without resorting to that.

Oh fgs, OP, send your son where you want, you don't have to justify it to us.

I tell you what I find interesting, though. When you began your thread, your son either didn't have a clear favourite or didn't feel able to say which it was - you said he told you to decide as he was sure whatever you chose would be a good outcome. I found that really odd. I think most teenagers would have a clear preference even if they couldn't explain it clearly (or didn't want to say). What do you make of that and what do you think has changed? Do you think he felt constrained from saying what he wanted? Do you think he's following the lead of his friend? Is it mainly your preference that he chooses the boarding school and he's going along with it? Or something else?