Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Sorry that post was to scentedgeranium.

Damn! In my comment above it should say, I really could have *done" with some support

@Blueeyedgirl21The OP said that it was Flexi-boarding at the school her son has been offered the place and that he might choose to spend weekends there. I was offering my experience from being in the same situation, not at a full boarding school.

Just wanted to highlight that boarding these days can be very flexible to meet the needs of the family, and not just sending your child away for weeks on end and not seeing them! It's not the doom and gloom picture many are painting on here.

I would not send my child to board unless they really, really wanted to, had won some sort of amazing scholarship which represented opportunities they would not have a remote chance of accessing without boarding, could satisfy me that they had a genuine understanding of what boarding entailed... and even then I would not be entirely happy about it. The only experience I have of someone close to me having a child at boarding school was extremely negative and I would need to be really satisfied- and I mean really satisfied- with the pastoral care and safeguarding systems at the school. And again, even then, I would not be happy about it.

I recognise that some families have very little choice- I'm thinking of forces families etc who would be unable to give their children stability and access to decent education without using boarding schools- but in the main I am not a fan of boarding schools and it's not something I would want for my children.

I boarded from age 9.

I have a very close and good relationship with my parents.
Lots of reasons why

1. I boarded because they were working overseas, so the reasons made sense. I met quite a few girls who were angry at parents because they didn't want to board, I think the rationale matters.
2. we are a close family and that just didn't change
3. my mum was superb at writing us letters, every single week (pre social media)

But I would never send my own kids away so young. I was very home sick. I think that the point at which I would have enjoyed it and where it would not have had negative impact was about 13.

It sounds as if he would really enjoy it. For me, if it had been possible, the ideal would actually have been weekly boarding. I love the idea of doing all school work during the week and then leaving it at school.

It sounds like a great option, he is keen, I would go for it.

Sorry has this already been asked. Does he see his Dad or other side of the family some weekends as that would obviously impact on your ability to see him as frequently.

I have no experience of boarding. I'm sure there are good and bad aspects to it. I was watching videos of my kids when they were little and they've already grown up and changed so much and in another few years they will be flying the nest so I can't imagine them being gone for half the year yet. I miss them enough on a weeks residential!

Sounds like your son has good options and doing well either way.

The dynamic of every family is different; but boarding was great for our relationship with our son. Time spent together became special rather than something to take for granted; and it became "quality time", actively to be enjoyed. He learned to take responsibility for himself and to rub along with lots of different people and really enjoyed just being with friends of his own age all of the time. He's not at all distant: he's really affectionate.

Remember that he will only be any for about half the year and. you can visit for matches, lunch etc.

Fantastic opportunity for him. Definitely let him go.

One of my boys boards and their school is only 3 miles away! He loves it and works harder as Prep times are enforced.

Your boy certainly sounds the type to thrive in that environment like mine does. One of his brothers is definitely not the boarding type and the other will probably board in the future for Year 11 or 6th form.

My son boarding has made zero different to his relationships with us or his brothers. He is a weekly boarder though.

I’m not a huge fan of boarding for younger children, but I think at 13 he would be fine and really enjoy boarding. The only slight consideration is that weekend activities have been limited to campus at my dc’s school due to the current situation, so he might want to come home more frequently until things are back to normal. This may well all have changed again by September though.

I would board him for the cachet alone. Sadly he is more likely to get on in life having been to a good boarding school.

Oh and my brothers also boarded.
One was a very rebellious type, if you say black he says white.
I think that a lot of that was dealt with at school.
In the holidays, mum didn't have to do the daily nag over homework, school etc and so their relationship, I think, was much better because he boarded.

My twin sisters went to boarding and at a school significantly further away from home than your situation. They are both much more confident, socially well adjusted than me and my sister who didnt and they have an excellent relationship with my parents.

And they got absolutely spoilt rotten when they were at home :-)

My child is at a boarding school, although they are day. The pupils who board really, really love it.

I was a day pupil at a predominantly boarding school, and I wouldn’t recommend boarding. The boarders had apparently full happy lives, and incredibly close friendships, but there was definitely a sadness there. Institutionalised life can be fun but it’s very different from home.

Also for the boarders, their primary relationships were with each other. Parents and siblings were peripheral. Any problems, concerns, questions - they went to their friends. This led to great independence and very close friendships, which is great, if that’s what you’re aiming for. But in all cases the parents became largely irrelevant when it came to deciding things other than academic issues such as what GCSEs to do. Normal day-to-day stuff was all based on friends opinions.

As a parent of a 15 year old I’ve realised that teens talk when they want to. They may carry a huge secret and you can’t get it out of them till they’re ready, and that is often at random times. So if your contact with them is on a schedule (tea on Sunday, after the match on Saturday etc), it may well not coincide with the moment they want to talk.

My half brother was a weekly boarder from age 11 or 13 (can’t recall). He didn’t have strong views on it at the time or for years later, and felt that he was pretty close to his Mum, until his own son became about 11. He was then suddenly aware of how much he didn’t want to send his own son away, and couldn’t believe his mother had sent him away. She had died by then, but it’s damaged his memory of her. He says it makes him question everything about their relationship.

There’s really no right answer here. Everyone has different experiences. But the one certainty is that if your child is only with you for 10% of the time, you will only see 10% of their life. Only you know if that is a good or a bad thing!

I wonder what you're thinking at this stage of the thread, OP - given the wildly varying responses.

And I wonder what has been helpful to you.

Unusually, you're not in a do or die situation, as many posters are when they need to make this decision. Often a scholarship or bursary to boarding school makes the difference between a fantastic education further away from home, or a poor or mediocre one close by. Clearly that isn't the case for you (you really are asking purely about the boarding element) - so it doesn't sound as if there is any bad decision possible here.

OP, my experience is that if you have a good relationship with your son, him being at boarding school won't change that one iota . Mine was a lot further away than yours would be, too. It's impossible to describe what a fantastic thing a good boarding school is (light years away from my own dad's experience of boarding). I am going to PM you later.

@snowydaysandholidays

Well, we do have a lot of experience of boarding schools. It is a very popular choice here.

Points to factor in, you will no longer be a big part of your child's life once they go to BS, you will get updates from school and from your child, but you will certainly lose the day to day connection, and over time the children that attend BS absolutely do seem to become extremely independent, which is a good thing. They will choose what they share with you, rather than you being around and part of their lives. Their life will become very separate to yours in a way that most parents find difficult at first.

Not being there to share the ups and downs of teen life does impact the relationship, that shared experience will not be there, and as the years pass and they flit in and out of your home during the holidays (or sometimes not, they choose to take a holiday with a friend) they do become harder to pin down and then they go straight in to university.

So you are really saying goodbye now, to all intents and purposes. The long holidays are often spent with friends at second homes, and you become a side part in your child's life rather rapidly.

That said your child will have the best opportunities, and he sounds like a great fit. It is a decision for you, and your son. What does he want to do?

Saying goodbye now at 11 to all intents and purposes sounds a bit heartbreaking. I’m not going to say I couldn’t do it, because we were never in a position to choose, having a fantastic local grammar school. I’ve no experience of boarding school at all but it sounds great from what others are saying on here.

It really sounds like the right kind of child will thrive and have an amazing time. And it sounds like the loss of emotional closeness could be balanced with a less fraught relationship when you do see each other.

This was a really interesting thread.

I have lots of friends who boarded and loved it. Go for it!

@Zodlebud sorry yes I see that, I just thought as op was talking about her sons sporting success etc then he would have most of his evenings and weekends taken up with training at school, matches away, overnight camps etc

My brothers boarded - but a long time ago now, and they said they'd never board their kids and haven't. but...neither of them are particularly sociable or sporty. It just didn't suit them.

Has it effected the relationship with them...hard to tell, my sister really wanted to board and was right pissed off at not being allowed to. And frankly she would have been better at it than them, she's confident, a joiner in and very social.

Friends who boarded, the ones who seem effected are those who felt their parents did it to get them out of the way, ones who aren't affected tended to go home quite a lot, parents went to the school a lot, they were into sports or other clubs or very academic.

If he wants to go, he should probably go.

My neighbours son went to an amazing boarding school with a sports focus. He loved it, my close friends two children board at different schools. There hasnt been any issue with there relationship. Sounds like an amazing opportunity and I would let my DC do it.

I think at 13 if he's keen, he's old enough to tell you if he hates it and wants to come home.

I boarded for 2 years from 12-14 until scholarships were cut and I had to leave (I had a full scholarship and we could have nowhere near afforded it otherwise). I really enjoyed it, and my experience was positive compared to friends who started boarding at 7 or 8, which was way too young. I really thrived in that atmosphere and was much more confident in myself as a result.

I'm not a fan of boarding schools but I would actually let him go. I have a friend whose son went to boarding school (200 miles away) on a sports scholarship and he absolutely loved every minute of it. He was a very sociable lad too and they made it plain that if he wasn't happy there then he could leave. He loved it and made a great success of it.

And actually, if he tries boarding school for a year and doesn't like it, could he then join the local school? I bet he could, with his academic and other skills.

My DS and DD are currently at boarding school (though at home since December due to Covid). They both first boarded when they were13 like your DS. We are a very warm affectionate tight family and miss the children terribly when they are at school. DH still gets teary dropping them off on Sunday nights. The school is 50 mins away and they come home every Saturday night for 24 hours.

Boarding school has not affected our close relationship. DS has always been very affectionate and says I love you and wants a hug every day (he is 17 now so I don’t see this ever changing). When at boarding school he facetimes us once a week and sends text messages every other day. They are kept extremely busy as boarding school, every moment is time tabled, they do prep supervised till 9 or 10 pm (depending on age group). Lots of extra curricular activities, sports (not just rugby for boys now but hockey, squash, rowing and athletics and cricket in summer).

DH was a scholarship boy for sixth form and boarded, I never boarded. Their school is big and well known but not stuffy. DH is a lawyer with big city firm which is how we can afford it.

I’ve name changed for this!

Your DS and your situation sound perfect for boarding school. Hope this helps.