Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

@5zeds

The boarding school sounds like a much nicer school, but I would never board mine so would be looking at how to get the things he likes without resorting to that.

Yes, private schools have school buses. Many dc I know go on them an hour each way.

No one disputes the extra sport etc etc etc. Its the living there. Kids shouldn't live at their schools. Parents should parent.

Its the living there. Kids shouldn't live at their schools. yes, this really. (I boarded and was confident and had lots of friends there). My husband has worked away mon to fri on and off over the years too. It’s never good for family life. I guess if you would stay at work Mon to Friday and just go home at the weekend and feel happy then maybe it’s ok.

@scentedgeranium

OP so if it's highly selective, the state school is a grammar? Did I miss that?

Correct

I’ll duck out now as new work project starting
But thank you all - super helpful

That's a shame. I was genuinely interested in your answer to my question.

Boarding school is the rich mans care system isn’t it? When normal people can’t cope, their kids get taken into care. Rich people just get to decide on what foster parents they require.

The emotional effects will be quite similar for both.

Abandonment, plain and simple.