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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

531 replies

Chewingle · 10/02/2021 06:52

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

OP posts:
Howcoldmytoes · 10/02/2021 08:07

Absolutely let him go. I’d have no hesitations whatsoever.
I got a scholarship to a full boarding school, as did my eldest son.
My relationship with my parents was stronger, if anything. No nagging about prep, tidying rooms or sibling squabbles. Holidays and exeats were focussed on spending time together and we all appreciated each other much more, I believe.
I think I spend more quality time with the son who boards than the one who doesn’t (his choice not to), in actual fact. I drive down to matches to see the boarder and take him out for tea between exeats. My other son is always busy or out and never wants to do anything with me as I’m always around.
Both chose their respective paths so there’s no rivalry, but my boarding son’s life is richer and full of more interesting opportunities.

Chickoletta · 10/02/2021 08:13

I’ve been a housemistress in two different sporty boarding schools and, from what you’ve said, it sounds like your son would be an ideal candidate for boarding and it would be a brilliant opportunity for him.

From what I’ve seen, many families’ relationships with their teenage sons improves from the space that boarding provides.

With respect to those PPs who have written about their own/DH’s experience of boarding, there is a world of difference between boarding schools 20-30 yrs ago and today.

If he’s keen, I’d say go for it.

Shwubberwy · 10/02/2021 08:15

I would love to know how many of the people on here saying 'Yes do it, it's a great opportunity for him' have any experience of boarding whatsoever. I do, and I don't recommend you send away your child. There is a whole academic literature devoted to the ill effects of being sent away from home as a child. I would never do that to my child.

snowydaysandholidays · 10/02/2021 08:15

Your son's choice I think

Monsterpage · 10/02/2021 08:16

I think your boy sounds like the perfect candidate to try this out and see if it works.
Remember a lot of people talking about husbands or partners who went to boarding school and hated it/ are detached from the family went in the age when they could probably only call home a few times a week or nightly. If wanted you could probably FaceTime your child for a few minutes each day so you’d physically be able to see them and them you.
As others have said, if he hates it he comes home.
Also in the current climate with stop and start lockdowns/tiers how fab to be with friends of your own age rather than like my poor primary lad who is an only child and has no-one to play with.
Good luck with the decision making.

Original poster
Chewingle · 10/02/2021 08:17

I am blown away by the responses. Really thank you.

Incredibly helpful. I am going to refer back to when I have more time to consider, although decision needs to be made fairly shortly.

I am pretty certain it will be the boarding option.

OP posts:
OlafLovesAnna · 10/02/2021 08:18

This is super quick as I'm rushing to start breakfast. My 16 and 14 yr olds started boarding in y9 and have loved it.

Lots to do, very sociable and busy. which means weekends and holidays are fab as they are happy to spend time with. Us.

HearMeCry · 10/02/2021 08:19

I boarded and loved it - I weekly boarded and then full boarded in 6th form, my DS1 fully boarded all the way through and my DS2 managed 2 months of boarding before she decided it wasn’t for her and went to being a day girl (an hour each way).
We are all really independent, had no trouble settling into uni and school definitely gave us confidence in ourselves. Some of my best friends are from school, I still keep in touch with uni but don’t have the depth of friendship that I had from school.
My dad boarded (from 7) and he’s the same he’s still got friends he sees from prep school - he had a strained relationship with his DP, I probably wouldn’t recommend boarding from 7 but it was a different time and it was expected of him/them.

GreySkyClouds · 10/02/2021 08:19

Let him go. I went in almost exactly the same situation. It will be hard though because his family life will be different to everyone else...but that’s life too so a good lesson!

jeaux90 · 10/02/2021 08:21

Single parent too. I work full time and used to travel a bit pre-Covid My DD goes to a school about 40 mins away and part time boards. (2 nights a week)

I felt this was a happy medium for her first year (although she of course isn't this term so far)

The drive in a couple of mornings is also a really good chance to talk.

I'd go for it, private school class sizes and facilities are usually a lot better and I also thought that the part time boarding would increase her independence which it has.

Thebestposter · 10/02/2021 08:21

Have a dog and put it into kennels. You might not appreciate it now but this will ruin your relationship with him for the rest of your life

ThistlyPerf · 10/02/2021 08:21

@Mollyboom

I think it will be a wonderful opportunity for him, and I don't mean this in an insulting way it may be a better environment for him than a house full of females.
How so?
HearMeCry · 10/02/2021 08:22

I left school 18 years ago and my youngest DSis 8 years ago and the changes in that time were amazing - we had 3 phone boxes in our house (about 40 girls) my sister and her friends all had mobiles!

Labobo · 10/02/2021 08:24

The people I know whose relationships with family were wrecked by boarding school were the ones who were packed off as young as 7-8. I think even 11 is too young. They are still children and children need their parents. But adolescence is when they are dying to break free from parents and most of the people I know who went aged 13+ had a far more positive experience.

He sounds like a good candidate too. He's sporty. And it's entirely reversible. If he goes for a year and hates it, he can go to the local state school for the start of GCSEs.

That sounds like I'm encouraging the boarding school - I'm not. Personally I couldn't bear to have sent DC away for purely selfish reasons - I wanted to see them growing up. But DS1 would have preferred to board if his school had done it, because he was so full on with sport and extra curricular, he often came home late at night, and he was away for pretty much every birthday of his teens, on training weeks or overseas sports fixtures or cadets. I barely saw him in his teens.

snowydaysandholidays · 10/02/2021 08:24

Make sure he stays in touch with his local friends if you choose the BS option. Or you will be left trying to entertain a fifteen year old for half the year!!!

Ragwort · 10/02/2021 08:25

I agree I think it would be a great opportunity- one of my DS's friends had the same chance, he did go away to Boarding School and has kept up with all his original friends from the local town and met some great new friends. They are all at Uni now and still maintain good friendships.

notanothertakeaway · 10/02/2021 08:25

I'm struggling to see the attraction of a boarding school when you have "outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away"

I would also think about the impact on your DS' relationship with his siblings. My cousin's son is at boarding school, and his sister really missed him. I think it adversely affected their relationship, as she felt he didn't love the family enough to want to stay at home

On the other hand, I guess your DS could try the boarding school for a while and then transfer to state school if he wishes. Harder the other way round, as the scholarship might not be offered again

WineInTheWillows · 10/02/2021 08:27

I know you say he's not bothered, but I'd still put this decision on him, given that there are no real academic advantages either way. By all means support him with it through questioning etc, but it will have a massive impact on his remaining childhood, so I'd want him to be the architect of the decision.

If it were up to me, I wouldn't send him unless he had a large preference for it or it offered much better life chances, just because you'll never get that time back and he'll have the rest of his life to live, play and socialise away from home. But that's me.

PeachPiePip · 10/02/2021 08:29

I think it sounds like an amazing opportunity. I went to boarding school at 11 and it was too young. I cried every day, but then felt better when distracted by swimming or tennis etc each evening after dinner. I think you son sounds like a mature 13 year old and he’ll get stuck in to the sporting achievements, as well as the academics. I don’t regret that my parents sent me to the school (it has given me friendships for life).

I wouldn’t choose boarding for my own DC, as there a good day schools nearby. My parents didn’t have that option though, as day schools were over an hour away too.

PeachPiePip · 10/02/2021 08:30

Just to clarify I only cried for the first year. By age 13, I was really settled and busy

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 10/02/2021 08:30

I think the no local friends thing is not the same these days either. One of DS2 friends from Prep is in a full boarding school and they still what’s app and play together on the Xbox during holidays and some weekends. If it wasn’t lockdown they would have met up.
If your DS is home on weekends he can still go out with people locally.

alwayslearning789 · 10/02/2021 08:31

"Not being there to share the ups and downs of teen life does impact the relationship, that shared experience will not be there......"

As long as you are prepared to live with the impact
of the above OP.

Ex-boarder here and it took choosing not to send my own children to boarding school, to realise how much I had missed by not being at home with my family, as well as how much my parents also missed.

Hard decision dependant on many other factors such as existing family dynamics, academic access, etc, will ultimately have to do what works for your family.

Also your child's preference will be an important factor.

Hoppinggreen · 10/02/2021 08:31

I’m generally anti boarding. I have family members who have suffered lasting damage because of it and I was a day pupil at a Boarding school and saw how it badly affected a lot of children, some who I am in touch with today and can STILL see the ill effects
However, you will only be an hour away and if doesn’t work out he can leave (although there’s no guarantee of a State place in your preferred school then). I would never send either of my 2 DC to boarding school but I don’t think they would be suited to it, sounds like your son might be.

SeasonFinale · 10/02/2021 08:32

I think the sporting opportunities that he will get at the boarding school are likely to be far greater than those he will get at a state school to be honest. In your situation I would go for it.

If he were not to like it how difficult would it be for him to transfer back into the state school?

Soozikinzii · 10/02/2021 08:34

I have 5 sons and 1 stepson and only one son went to boarding school on a scholarship for the sixth form . He did really well thrives in fact . But it did make him grow away from us and look down on us really, especially his dad . Since you're a single parent I don't know if that will apply? He still doesn't have a good relationship with his dad they didn't make the relationship adjustment from teen to man well at all . But since your son doesn't live with his dad that might not matter? I m sure he'll thrive wherever he is !