Sending a child to boarding school - how does it effect your relationship with your child?

[Chewingle]

I have no experience of boarding whatsoever.

My 13 year old son has been offered a scholarship to a superb boarding school. He is very confident, very academic and an exceptional sportsman. The scholarship is also to include boarding. The school is about an hour away, so not far and he would be able to come home for various weekends throughout the term and I would be able to pop over during a weekend and take him out for lunch for example.

The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away. He would obviously live at home.

I am a single parent and he lives with me and his two older sisters in a comfortable but ultimately rather small home. As he grows physically, I suspect the house will seem even smaller.

I just do not know what to do.

He is very relaxed about the situation. In short, he gets on with everyone and has only known academic and sporting success in life so both options appeal to him as he will make either work. He will have friends going to both schools. He said that he would like to try boarding and loves idea of boarding with his friends, but then he says he likes his bedroom and living with me and his sisters. So he’s said “whatever you decide mum, is good with me”. So ultimately - he’s no help in my decision making process!!

So it comes down to relationships. I am worried that he will become a little cut off from me and his sisters, is this what happens when boarding??. On the other hand, he is very disorganised and I do spend an inordinate amount of time nagging him. This is often a point of real tension in our otherwise very happy family life - me and him clashing because he’s lost his house keys / his bus pass / lunch money or he’s forgotten his school bag or.... well, I could go on and on.

I’m wondering if by him being at boarding school - we will be reducing those points of tension because he will have a house master. And I suspect that as he grows into a teen, that nagging and points of tension may amplify.

Sorry for the length. I could really do with some wisdom from mumsetters who have or have had children at boarding schools.

Boarding at 13 for the right child who is choosing to go can be amazing. From what you've posted here it sounds like your son would be an ideal candidate.

But yes, it does alter your relationship with you child. A previous poster outlined it above nicely.

if you have a pre-existing good relationship and feed it during school years (contact/ phone calls) and afterwards then it is perfectly possible to have a great parent- child bond moving forwards (I'm thinking of my friendship group several of whom boarded from 13 or younger).

One friend for geographical reasons didn't spend many holidays with her parents during school or university years and in the pre-internet era contact was so much harder. I don't think she really established an adult- parent relationship with her parents until she had her children and they started spending more time in the UK with her and her family.

In families with preexisting relationship issues, or where there is a serious personality clash boarding school will provide distancing and often no one wants to overcome that as it only leads to conflict.

I boarded and am very close to my family despite not living with them for several formative years. People who meet me now are very surprised to hear that I boarded.

One of my "not a god"children has just started boarding at 13. I've kept in touch by post - postcards (he asked me to start putting them in envelopes! and the odd gift/ food parcel). He is still the same nice kid and has actively chosen to seek my company out for the odd walk/ bike ride now he is home schooling due to covid. I've enjoyed this (and his parents report was a positive on his side too).

I think your son needs to take more of an active part in this decision, since he is the one it will affect most!

And if he still refuses to, then I think I would send him to the boarding school (at least at first) to help him with learning to do things by and for himself. Nothing is forever - if he hates it there, then he can leave again - but I would check if he could transfer to the outstanding state school he has been offered a place for if that were to happen.

I would have LOVED to go to boarding school at that age, but hadn't the opportunity. Neither of my sons would like it AT ALL, but it's not anything that's likely to happen to them.
Horses for courses - some love it, some hate it, some need it and for some it's totally damaging.
To a large extent, you can't know which one your son is unless he tries it, so again, I think in YOUR place I'd incline towards boarding (with the option to leave if it doesn't work out)

If he wants to go, I'd let him, but be prepared to have a backup if he hates it.

One of my best friends boarded at vair naice schools from quite an early age. She really wanted to go, but got really homesick for her mum and wanted to go home, but her mum wouldn't let her . She and her sibling have a slightly awkward relationship with their mum (dad passed away). One of her siblings says she has had a significant amount of therapy, which she says is a result of boarding school.

All that said though, many people have awkward relationships with their mums and many people need therapy! I went to a decent girls' grammar school and feel like I could use some therapy for that tbh! The difference is, I can't justify the cost, whereas maybe with a private education, I'd have more money behind me. Just a thought! But money can't buy happiness either so...I'm going round in circles here, so I can see why you're torn!

My DH, his brother and cousins all went to boarding school at age 11 - they are a really close knit family, so it doesn't seem to have affected anyone's bond with each other. Having said that, now they are grown up, none of them have sent their kids to boarding school, so perhaps there is some thing in that.

@Thehop

I weekly boarded from 9 and very rarely wanted to come home at weekends I loved out so much! I do think it gives a polish and an attitude that’s difficult to achieve in a state school and does open doors in life.

Sorry but this is a generalisation - it depends on the person and on the private school and on the state school . We all know of the private schools which churn out masses of "polished" kids who all end up working in HR recruitment .

There isn’t an easy answer to this, as it’s so personality dependent. My dm really hated boarding and says the best place for teens is at home. I personally wouldn’t let a child board until 6th form.

I do know people who loved it, but I would say they are very independent from family. Depending on your perspective that could be interpreted as not being close to family or a great advantage as you are very mature for your age.

His choice but remember for some boarding school means paying fees to ensure your exam results and life changes are worse than had you gone to a better academic day school - it is not as simple as Eton v a failing comp. There are some boarding schools full of not very bright children.

Hi OP. I just wanted to make a point as the mum of a 17 year-old boy.

These next five years will fly by - FAST. Before you know it, he will be in Year 13 applying for uni. And if he is very academic, as you say, he will maybe be aiming at some very competitive unis, maybe Oxbridge, etc. Trust me on this - these days, everything is heavily contextualised and it’s a hell of a lot easier to get in from a state school, than an independent school (especially a boarding school). From a state school, you can rock up with top grades and that may well be sufficient. From an independent, he will need the same top grades and then some more (eg essay competition winner, published work, started own business... the list goes on). It’s much tougher.

So if the state school near you is more academic, I wouldn’t hesitate for him to go there.

Do bear in mind that boarding schools have to offer scholarships as the market for boarding is limited. Independent day schools are usually much more competitive entry. So although he sounds amazing and he’s fine very well, don’t get too bowled over by this offer.

And yes, your relationship with him will inevitably change. His friends will become his main support network. There are positives and negatives to this, only you can decide, but I would encourage you to look at the long-term picture. Uni will come around fast!

And yet you say the state school is better academically? Apart from the fact you say you have a small house what is the advantage?

Pursuing Your child may not be invited away during holidays and exeats, and be flopping at home exhausted, but it is abit much to say that is everyone's experience.

I imagine it largely depends on the kind of boarding school your child attends, and if it is international etc. My eldest dd spends most of the holidays with her best friend on a yacht in various locations or skiing. She finds it very lame and boring being at home, even though she has prep friends here and a varied life here. It is not that exciting for her at nearly sixteen.

For many parents op, it really is a long goodbye, and that has been the case for most of us actually in some form or another.

If they flourish socially and have lots of friends, they are likely to embrace all of the elements including spending most of the holidays having fun elsewhere. It something to consider. It is also worth noting you may not even know the families your child is going away with very well or at all, and some may have very different values to you around alcohol, freedom, parties and safety. I have chosen very different schools for my dc, and taking the child's individual character into account is paramount. It is worth noting that your child may be expected to also attend lots of the very many international school trips and adventures.

@Another0THER no no no. Where do people get this info? Oxbridge do not offer contextualised offers. If your child goes to a private school they will likely have specialist Oxbridge support on entrance exams and interviews. Not so at comps. DS is Cambridge grad from a crappy comp. he EXCEEDED his standard offer by some distance and had zero entrance support. It is a lie which is perpetuated that it's somehow easier to make it from state school
Believe it or not it's a simple fact that there are super bright and driven kids at comps. They are not given a leg up!

I grant you some unis offer contextually for students at failing schools in their regions - Bristol in the SW fir example. But the school has to be on its knees for that to happen and in that case I'd say fair enough

DH and I went to boarding schools, both from military families: him from 8, and he didn't enjoy the experience; me, from 11, and I did, mostly. The best part from my POV was not having all the teenage battles with DM, which were had with the boarding staff. DH was distanced from his family by the experience but is otherwise well-balanced, outgoing and gets on with almost everybody.

Is it a 100% scholarship OP as these are pretty rare these days?

If it’s not 100%, will paying the rest cause financial strain or sacrifices?

I have to say if there is an outstanding, academic, sporty state school 10 minutes walk away I cannot really see why you would send him boarding.

I’m not anti boarding, DH went and loved it (though yes it has had an impact on his personality and family relationship, he never shows his true emotions or opinions). However there were no decent day schools near him. I can’t really imagine why you’d do it if you have a great day school up the road?

I think there is something in the "attitude and polish" comment. I remember having a conversation with a different friend who went to private boarding school. We were talking about fairness and private education. She said that without private education she would have ended up doing really badly. She was quite badly behaved at that age and she felt like she would have gone downhill really fast in state education. She is really successful now and I know her; she really deserves her success, as she works very hard. She isn't academic at all and her spelling is appalling. She didn't do a levels or anything, but she works like a demon and is very street smart / has common sense. She has something about her and I somehow wonder if that something would be as remarkable if she didn't have the nice accent and background. Is it fair? Nope! Would I send my kids if I had the money? Probably. Not to board though tbf.

I’d take the boarding school place safe in the knowledge that he can move to the state school if it doesn’t work out..... BUT peer group is really an important part of it, do you know others going and are they nice?!

'The alternative is an outstanding state school. Highly academic (more academic than the private school) and sporty. A 10 minute walk away'

As others have said, send him to the best school?

To be honest, we fell into boarding by accident. If someone told me two years ago that my DD would be boarding then I would have told them where to go. However, the more schools we visited, the more my daughter was drawn to those that offered boarding. They just had more of a buzz to them - so much going on and very "her". She is into a lot of extra curricular stuff and the more we looked at it the more it made sense.

I don't recognise many of the comments above about damage and fractured family relationships. She boards weekly with no Saturday school (although does do sport at the weekends), so is home every Friday, Saturday and Sunday evening. We discounted full boarding schools as they interfered too much in family life. I think there's something very different about sending a 7 year old to a full boarding school and a 13 year old who can have flexibility on coming home.

Boarding is really not what it used to be. She can FaceTime first thing in the morning or in the evenings between set times and if she's having a bad day we can just go and get her. Family life is important to the school and pre covid there was something going on that the family was invited to on a regular basis. She can get up early and go to a fitness class or run before breakfast and do all the sport she likes - sometimes not finishing until evening. She can then just chill, have dinner, do her homework (so there's none at a weekend - bliss!!) and hang out with her mates. If she was a day girl then she wouldn't be home until 7.30pm then have to eat and do her homework so we wouldn't see her very much anyway (plus I don't think it sounds very healthy). Boarding definitely helps a sporty child fit it all in, and I can honestly say that the standard of coaching far exceeds anything we experienced at state schools. School are forever giving us feedback on both academic and pastoral and there are very open lines of communication. She most definitely hasn't disappeared into the ether and we are not being held at arms length. I feel as involved with my child's life as if she was at a day school. We have a great relationship and talk lots very openly. It really does work for us as she is deliriously happy.

As for spending all their holidays with their friends then there's a simple answer - no. Just because they are invited here there and everywhere then you don't have to let them go. Work together as a family about getting the balance right. Going away for a week with their bestie in summer - fine. Spending the whole Christmas holidays in Barbados - not happening.

I don't think boarding is right for every child though, nor should it be done if both parents and child are not on board. It sounds like your son is a good fit though. My only concern would be the perceived differences in education with his siblings. Could it be a point of conflict in the future?

I don't know anything about boarding but your comment about your son being disorganised and always losing things stood out to me. He sounds very like me at that age.

At 13, I was academically very able, top of the class in lots of subjects at school (private school). I was expected to go far.

We moved and the school I went to was much less strict and I coasted. My school reports aged 15 talk of a child who is very able but let down by her lack of organisation. I got through my GCSEs on the hard work I put in up to 13 but came unstuck at A-Level and have never had the successful career that was imagined for me by everyone at 13.

I was terrible at organisation and constantly losing things. I still am. I haven't actually bothered to carry keys for a couple of years as I got fed up with losing them. (DP works from home so not usually an issue).

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my mid-40s, and suddenly my life makes a lot more sense!

ADHD is badly named as a lot of people with it aren't hyperactive (ADHD inattentive type) and can give a lot of attention - hyper focus - to the things we're interested in. We find it very difficult to maintain focus in things that don't interest us. Structure, deadlines and accountability to others helps. Left to our own devices to produce large pieces of work with vague or no deadlines, we're struggling. Timekeeping is a huge issue for a lot if people with ADHD. We are constantly late because we don't have the same grip on time most people do. We find it very hard to judge how long tasks will take.

The flip side of ADHD is we're typically unconventional thinkers, (think-outside-the-box is us - we're not really aware there is a box in the first place!) and often creative and intelligent. We're quick witted and calm in a crisis (I suspect, because every day is a crisis due to our disorganisation, so it's normal to us).

I'm mentioning this not to encourage you to rush out and seek diagnosis, but to just be aware so if your son does get unstuck a bit when he's older when more independent learning is required of him in subjects that don't motivate him, you might consider ADHD. I could really have time with some support, but when I came unstuck no one understood why. The school and my "disorganisation" were blamed. My parents hoped to train my disorganisation out of me with standard carrot and stick stuff. Didn't work. I wish someone who'd know about ADHD had recognised it in me, my life could have been very different with the right support in those years, I feel.

The change in school certainly made a difference, as for me at least, a school that was keen on structure, gave me lots of deadlines and challenges and expected a lot of me was better for me, I flourished there. In a more relaxed environment, I floundered. But it wasn't just the school, it's very clear now, it was a combination of the school and how my brain works, due to ADHD.

If he's disorganised - for whatever reason - please don't underestimate the difference this can make as he gets older, and I would suggest try to make sure whichever school he goes to can support him with this.

@Zodlebud to be fair coming home Friday night and going back to school Monday morning is part time boarding really isn’t it, 4 nights a week. I think that is definitely the ‘future’ of boarding personally but in my experience with family and friends that’s not the norm, it’s more normal to go fully and not want to come home at weekends as sport and activities and trips are offered

My DS is a day boy in a boarding school. The boarders are a close knit team, full of high achievers and very competitive.

The issue that would worry me is your son’s level of organisation. The boarders all came from boarding prep schools so they have been used to fending for themselves. The teachers come down very hard on pupils who forget books for lessons, lose games kit. They are not allowed back into the boarding houses during the day so if they forget to put their clean games kit bag into their lockers then that’s it: detention. If your son goes to BS the you will both need to work on his organisation before September.

Don’t forget Saturday school - he won’t be home for Friday nights - and if he makes the sports teams then sometimes they don’t return back from Away Matches until 6/7pm (ah, in the good old days pre-Covid).

My son’s school has been worth every penny during lockdown and the distanced learning is fantastic. That said, however, given the behaviour of the current government, I can see a public school backlash occurring within the next decade. Does anyone else feel this or is it me?

Is the school co-Ed? I would be unsure about sending DS to a single sex school. Winchester has finally agreed in a strategy to admit girls, thank goodness.

You will need to accept the place soon, won’t you? Can you choose the boarding house or is it allocated? The HMs make a huge difference.

My DD full-boarded. They come home every 3 weeks until the second half of the summer term when you don’t see them for 5 weeks which was very difficult for me TBH. Three weeks is fine, five not so.

The PP who said that schools have changed a lot over the past 20 years is absolutely right. I boarded and my experience was nothing like my children’s experience of BS. Feel free to PM the current boarding parents - they will be able to give you an excellent picture.

Whether people like it or not, some employers DO prefer a candidate who has been to public school, whether or not they have high grades/results. I wasn't particularly bright at school and coasted along, knowing I would pass my A Levels, but with lower grades than I would have achieved if I had worked hard! I went for an interview for a job and was given the job immediately. I only found out after I had worked at the Company for a while that my interviewer had been told by one of the Executives that he should take me on whatever he thought of me because I had been to xxxxx school!

My partner went to boarding school, he was the same age as your son when he was sent. And it was only an hours drive from his home, he hated it. It really changed him. All his family were sent, they all still talk to each other but they dont have the closeness that i have with my family. Your teenage years really afffect how you grow and mature. He doesnt have the memories that we have growing up. My sister husband is the same. Both of them have said that they will not send their children to boarding. I have a frined from mylocal town that met when working as a teenager, she also went to boarding school, we would go oyt at the weekend and she knew no one loaclly and struggled making friends at the time. She now has a few close friends however i couldnt underatnd it at the time. My Sis in law has sent her children to boarding school aswell even though like you she has the top school of the county a 15 min drive from her ( and a third of the price aswell) and i already see the differnce in the kids, they dont have the closeness that i had- also during the holidays they have no frieds locally to hang around with. Their weekends feel rushed as cme home friday night and then gone again Sunday eve. No donwtime or relax. We had to brin the eldest down one sunday when she was 14- i roarded crying leaving her, she was in a room with 6 beds - no personal space at all, it was cold and damp not cosy. If it was me it would be a big no, send to teh local school, he wil be gone to Uni in a few years time, the he can leave home, life is too short. Teenage years are far more than what school is

Your relationship with him will be fine if he boards. In fact, it can take away a lot of the tensions of having a growing teenager at home - you get to be the fun parent!

I think you’ll find things have changed drastically. No, Oxbridge do not make contextualised offers in the sense of lower grades (eg AAB as opposed to A*AA as other unis do, eg. Durham). What I’m saying is they don’t expect all the “extras” on top of the top grades, as they do from those in the top independents. Also, state school applicants are now getting in with 6s and 7s at GCSE because they look at the context where these grades were attained. Look at the stats and you’ll see for yourself. You would not get in with the same grades from an independent because you would be considered to have underperformed relative to your cohort, whereas in other schools 6s and 7s would be evidence that you had over-performed relative to your cohort. There is also adjustment now - have a look.