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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH teasing daughter

192 replies

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 15:18

Happy for you to tell me I'm overreacting...

OH jokes around with DD (nearly 4) a lot. But, I don't think his humour is appropriate. It's always teasing. E.g. "That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response. Or, he'll tell a "funny story" about something that happened before she was born (like the time he cooked a lemon in with the potatoes and I gagged :-/) and she loses interest and then he gets frustrated. It reminds me of "old granddad jokes". I don't want to sound ageist, but that's how I would describe it. He always does it in a very jovial manger and with a big smile on his face, but it's all the time. As if he can't think of anything to say to her. I know his intentions are good.

I've tried mentioning it several times, but he insists it is funny.

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

I keep thinking he'll copy some of the things I do with her, but he never ventures from the teasing.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I could do without the tantrums and tears.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 09/02/2021 15:22

Just let him parent.his way. You're not his mum.

Ileflottante · 09/02/2021 15:23

I can’t tell if this is a wind up.

You’re cross that your daughter’s father tells ‘granddad jokes’ and you’re concerned it could emotionally damage her?

P.S. the lemon potato story sounds quite funny.

PolloDePrimavera · 09/02/2021 15:24

I'm not really getting the point? Your husband laughs and makes an effort with your daughter, and that's a problem?!

HelloDulling · 09/02/2021 15:25

The winding her up/teasing her until she cries would make me cross. If it’s upsetting her, it’s not funny.

LemonBreeland · 09/02/2021 15:27

How can he think it's funny to reduce his child to whining or crying? And what do you mean by him getting frustrated with her disinterest in her stories?

Alexandernevermind · 09/02/2021 15:27

Is she his daughter too?

Mumwithapub · 09/02/2021 15:28

He is winding her up, sorry I don't think it is healthy.

Ohalrightthen · 09/02/2021 15:28

She sounds pretty sensitive if she's having tantrums because of the teasing you've described - perhaps he's trying to jolly her out of it? She'll need to develop a thicker skin or she'll really struggle at school.

The stories sound great, i used to love hearing about my parents before they have me.

The most important piece of advice about parenting and relationships that i was ever given was that you have to accept that your partner can be a completely different parent to you, and still be really good at it. Your way is not the best and only way.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/02/2021 15:28

I know what you mean OP. He sounds like an 'Uncle Knobhead' type.

I have an in-law like this who used to wind the kids up 'do you want a chocolate - well you can't cos I'm gonna eat them all',kids 'I'm going the toilet' knobhead in-law 'I'm gonna get there first'

Its fucking tiresome.

LagneyandCasey · 09/02/2021 15:28

Maybe that's how his dad was with him and he had good memories of it? but if he's teasing her to the point of crying he's going too far.

FuckyouCovid21 · 09/02/2021 15:28

Strange couple of responses there, I wouldn't be impressed with the constant teasing until she cries either

RedWhineandgo · 09/02/2021 15:31

My kids have a granddad like this. So not present all the time.

Any time there was a birthday or a meal or something - there would be sweets given. Granddad would make a big show of not letting kids have them. It was so annoying. The kids never laughed. Would just get increasingly wound up.

I mean also at the dinner table - oh no that's my fruit shoot etc. I think I actually did say something at one point. It wasn't done with any malice.

Santaiscovidfree · 09/02/2021 15:32

Imo he is a bully.
If my teen dc was making a younger dc cry I would count it as bullying...
And I would tell him so. Unacceptable..
And very unattractive op...
Seeing your dh behave like a teen isn't a positive quality..

RedWhineandgo · 09/02/2021 15:32

@FuckyouCovid21 describes it much better than me!

Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 15:33

She doesn't have mega tantrums. They last about 10 seconds. Just whining. She doesn't enjoy it.

He tuts when he's frustrated and looks a bit forlorn. No more than that.

OP posts:
JustFrustrated · 09/02/2021 15:34

Threads like this really do show why kids have less and less resilience these days.

If all he does is tease her, then he needs to find additional ways to talk with her, yes. But on the other hand "whining" and "crying" seems mighty....excessive. but then I'm assuming this is a quick 1/2 minute conversation...not a sustained and relentless 10minute situation (for a kid that's a long time)

Godimabitch · 09/02/2021 15:35

"That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response.

I dont quite understand this, it's not teasing is it, really? Your nearly 4yo child cries when told she's not the boss today? I dont think he's saying anything wrong there, and I dont see why it would make a child cry. And why would it be damaging her?

ChancesWhatChances · 09/02/2021 15:37

YANBU, a joke is only a joke if both parties find it funny. Winding a small child up to the point of tears or tantrums isn’t funny. I’d make him comfort her and calm her down every single time. I doubt it’ll damage her, he’ll probably stop once she’s a couple years older and if he doesn’t she will end up just ignoring him or having zero relationship with him

Worried830410 · 09/02/2021 15:37

Wow you are really reaching for something here. Maybe your dd whines a lot because she picks up your annoyance and plays up to it. I can't see what he is doing wrong here.

ittakes2 · 09/02/2021 15:37

I think I get you. My dad doesn't tell grandad jokes but he does have ASD and the only way he feel he can connect with people is to poke some sort of fun at them. He's not noticing people don't find it funny and sometimes he ends up offending some people if they don't know him well enough to understand that's the way he tries and connects with people.

Alexandernevermind · 09/02/2021 15:38

@FrankButchersDickieBow we probably have the same relative. I used to grit my teeth and let it go - guest in in-laws' home and all that - until he made my child run away crying on their Birthday. He was mortified at their reaction, I was mortified that I hadn't stamped it out sooner.

cariadlet · 09/02/2021 15:40

The "jokes" aren't a problem in themselves (just stupid and unfunny). The problem is that he continues with them when your dd clearly doesn't find them funny and sometimes actually finds them upsetting. He needs to grow up, realise that she doesn't find his "humour" funny and find a different way to interact with her.

picklemewalnuts · 09/02/2021 15:40

But he's not responding sensitively to the child. You don't expect children to enjoy what you enjoy and get your humour. You join in where they are at.

What OP's describing is someone who isn't connecting with the child because they are 'inflicting' their way on the child. It's like practical jokes and tickling. The perpetrator thinks it's great, but the recipient may not- you have to be sensitive and target it appropriately.

I mean, DH could tell you some fascinating stories about trains he has seen, and stations he's been on etc. I encourage him to check his audience is also fascinated before launching into a repeat!

WorraLiberty · 09/02/2021 15:41

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

I'm sure she will when she's older. She'll probably roll her eyes and secretly find it quite endearing, in a 'That's my dad' kind of way.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

Jesus H Christ, did I really just read that??

Surely you're not serious? Confused

snowydaysandholidays · 09/02/2021 15:42

I am wondering if his misplaced humour aimed at your child is feeling toxic because she clearly does not enjoy it, so why does he persist with it? If it is not funny then it is not a joke. I would ask him to stop and mean it.
The joker types can sometimes be abusive, he sounds like he is preparing dd for a life of putdowns and 'jokes' at her expense by starting early. My father was like this, all in the name of being funny he said the most hurtful things and would then turn it around and say I did not have a sense of humour. It totally crushed my confidence and self esteem. YADNBU I would nip it in the bud now.

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