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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH teasing daughter

192 replies

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 15:18

Happy for you to tell me I'm overreacting...

OH jokes around with DD (nearly 4) a lot. But, I don't think his humour is appropriate. It's always teasing. E.g. "That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response. Or, he'll tell a "funny story" about something that happened before she was born (like the time he cooked a lemon in with the potatoes and I gagged :-/) and she loses interest and then he gets frustrated. It reminds me of "old granddad jokes". I don't want to sound ageist, but that's how I would describe it. He always does it in a very jovial manger and with a big smile on his face, but it's all the time. As if he can't think of anything to say to her. I know his intentions are good.

I've tried mentioning it several times, but he insists it is funny.

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

I keep thinking he'll copy some of the things I do with her, but he never ventures from the teasing.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I could do without the tantrums and tears.

OP posts:
FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/02/2021 15:43

The kids are older now, but it was absolutely relentless. Like standing in the doorway, jumping from side to side when they wanted to leave a room.

PCar20 · 09/02/2021 15:44

Are you always this uptight?

snowydaysandholidays · 09/02/2021 15:45

Being loving and affectionate, supportive of her endeavours and sharing her humour and funny moments rather than his would make him a much better parent.

Holothane · 09/02/2021 15:46

Stop him winding her up the twist her life will be hell no I’m not being awkward I lived with a family who said so called funny things were a part of life, it was critical stuff all the time.

AryaStarkWolf · 09/02/2021 15:48

Oy Vey

TheFaithfulBorderBinliner · 09/02/2021 15:48

My dad parented like this, he also tries it with my DC and they just stare at him, don't find it funny.
I don't know how you change it or swing him onto a different path but it's probably worth the effort.
As a grown up, I don't particularly like my dad. The amount of contact has diminished over the years, we've never managed to move to a more 'equal' friendship or relationship. The teasing can never be returned.

The example that really sticks out as public humiliation was my dad's speech at my wedding, it totally misfired coming across as weird at best, insecure and bullying at worst. He is incapable of just saying something nice but defaults to ugly teasing.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 09/02/2021 15:49

I don't think some people get how annoying this is.

Imagine you were in work and a colleague said the opposite of what you said, all day long. Say you were trying to use the telephone and they kept stopping you doing it.

Or you had lunch and they took it off you saying you weren't having it, they were going to eat it instead. And then getting pissed off with you when you didn't find it funny.

That's the level of frustration when its constant.

It would piss you off.

ChristOnAPeloton · 09/02/2021 15:50

Calling it emotionally damaging is going a bit far, but it is fucking tiresome behaviour to wind small children up until they whinge or cry- and then blame them for not being able to take a joke.

I remember several uncles and Dad’s behaving like that when I was a kid. I hated it. Felt like a nasty power game at the time.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/02/2021 15:51

If your daughter is getting upset by his manner then how is it funny. It sounds like he might be goading her beyond her endurance.
I would not find this funny at all. It's cruel like constantly tickling someone who hates it.
Is he unable to read her physical signs of discomfort or expression?

4amWitchingHour · 09/02/2021 15:52

I'd hate this OP - he's relating to her on his terms, not hers, and it sounds like a bit of a power trip tbh with the way he "jokes". If he doesn't make space for her interests, wants and needs then she'll learn that that's what relationships with men are like.

FooFighter99 · 09/02/2021 15:55

My brother is like this with my DD9 and his own son5 (my DNephew)

DD calls him Teasy insert uncles names here.....

I don't find it/him particularly funny and neither does my SIL - it get's old really quickly

snowydaysandholidays · 09/02/2021 16:00

It is upsetting your dd, and she is making that very clear. What we should all be doing is teaching our children that their feelings are valid, and listened to and respected. What are you teaching dc by forcing her to put up with this? You are telling her that her feelings do not matter and are unimportant, and her father's feelings are more important than hers.

As she grows up she will give more weight to the feelings of everyone around her, and not care about her own, and all the consequences that will follow during her life. Is this what you want for her op?

Why is his cruddy jokes more important than her feelings?

The kind of man that forces himself on others whether it is his poor sense of humour or in other ways is not something I would be finding appealing or sustainable.

picklemewalnuts · 09/02/2021 16:07

It's like the child is the object of his entertaining banter and witty repartee, rather than a person with feelings. Instead of a two way relationship, he wants an audience for his 'daft dad act'.

1forAll74 · 09/02/2021 16:15

You can tease small children in different ways, as in make a little game of things, and not in a loud voice preferably Your partners choice of phrases seem a bit off putting. Some people don't have the knack of how to tease,or amuse a small child, and make them laugh, as this should be the reason for a bit of teasing.

Children will often remember a favourite family member,who makes them laugh, and then become very fond of them later.

Lolapusht · 09/02/2021 16:18

I always love it when people expect young children to accept things adults would never accept. Children don’t have the knowledge to deal with situations like this, that’s one of the things parents are meant to teach them.

Your OH sounds like an immature bully I’m afraid. Teasing is horrible and it can destroy a child’s self-confidence. They have really logical, basic senses of humour (fart noises, slapstick, panto) at this age and they don’t get sarcasm or anything else “complicated”. All they hear are the words and don’t apply context, especially an adult one. All she’s hearing is her dad telling her she’s not in charge, that she can’t have sweets, that her possessions don’t belong to her etc, etc. It’s not character building. You obviously feel it’s not right as you’ve posted about it so that is enough. It sounds like he’s maybe not confident on relating to children and is trying to talk to her in a way he thinks is child-like. He needs to learn how to communicate and not preform. The having to be an engaged audience member sounds beyond tedious and I bet he’s the sort that demands undivided attention and your input but will go into screen-saver mode (ie glaze over) 5 seconds into something you’re saying. The reason she whines is because what he’s doing is f*cking irritating and dull.

You could of course just start undermining him at every opportunity until he gets it...”Silly dad...of course they’re your sweets”...”Is dad telling one of his funny stories again? I’ve heard this one too and mummy didn’t find it funny when it happened”...”Has dad taken your bear? Give her back her bear. Would you like having your things taken? Thought not”.

Annabell80 · 09/02/2021 16:30

Well I remember my great uncle making my brother cry when he took his money that my brother got in the Christmas pudding (for a joke not to steal) but my brother is in his 40s now and emotionally stable.
In the nicest way let it go. It's not hurting her and will help with resilience which is a good thing. Your OH doesn't have to parent like you do just like you don't have to parent like him.

Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 16:30

Yeah, I think he just doesn't have the knack. And he doesn't back down. The other day, he'd bought her one of those magazines with a figurine. He told her it was in the car and she had to answer "quiz" questions to get it. Honestly, she didn't have a fucking clue what was going on. She's 3 years, 7 months. Not nearly 4 in fact. It was a maths question as well!

He understands about ticking. I went on and on about it and he doesn't do it. He also stops or puts her down when she says so. But, he seems to think the "jokes" are fine.

The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. I'd just like to find a nice way of sorting it out. I'm not uptight (as a rule), but I do think these things can affect us as adults. But, I think he's roll his eyes and see me as being controlling.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 09/02/2021 16:31

Lolapusht has said it well. Knock it on the head now for all your sakes. Do people think it’s funny to go on and on, for example, about why kids won’t eat a certain food? FIL - all the time, including at ours. We have taught DC to ignore it and we make the response as politely as possible. My lovely gran never ever did this to me and I could be described a fussy eater as a kid. She just always had a different pudding/cake for me and handed it to me without any comments.
This kind of annoying stuff - teasing, winding up, commenting on food etc is self-centred and counterproductive. Children get totally fed up of it. As she gets older she’ll probably just ignore him. Is that what he wants?

LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 16:34

Is he her dad?

I think the outcome will be that to her, "daddy is annoying and talks rubbish" and that will be hard to shake.

My mum didn't do stuff like this but she still has jokes that only she understands or finds funny. Even now, it spoils the dynamic, especially if it can be misconstrued.

LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 16:37

Lola "You could of course just start undermining him at every opportunity until he gets it...”Silly dad...of course they’re your sweets”...”Is dad telling one of his funny stories again? I’ve heard this one too and mummy didn’t find it funny when it happened”...”Has dad taken your bear? Give her back her bear. Would you like having your things taken? Thought not”."

That risks making the child the object of conflict, from 3 year old perspective it could easily be "mum and dad bicker and it's my fault".

Happylittlethoughts · 09/02/2021 16:38

I disagree with quite few of above posters. The fact that your OP seems to be unable to relate except by engaging in tormenting your child is a huge pita. Wtf? Sit him down and talk him through ideas for what would be appropriate, he's obviously not a natural but needs direction. Get him a book or website or something. He's like annoying boy just and needs to parent appropriately- save the dull stories for his mates.

CheshireCats · 09/02/2021 16:40

Is he her Dad?

Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 16:43

He's my partner. Not her father. But he's been around since she was very young. I suppose this makes it more difficult. I could "pull rank" (for want of a better word), but I don't want to be unkind to someone who does his best.

If I could maybe find some articles on the effects of teasing or something, I think he'd take it better.

OP posts:
shouldreallynamechangemore · 09/02/2021 16:46

@FrankButchersDickieBow

The kids are older now, but it was absolutely relentless. Like standing in the doorway, jumping from side to side when they wanted to leave a room.
OMG that is so annoying! The mental image has given me my first laugh of the day (sorry)
ThePricklySheep · 09/02/2021 16:49

Mine had a family friend like this. Meant well but was too rough. Maybe the other children they knew found it funny but mine didn’t. It’s not a joke of the recipient doesn’t find it funny.
I bet he tickles too.

Either tone deaf or a bully. I’d be upset too.