OH teasing daughter

[7catsandcounting]

Happy for you to tell me I'm overreacting...

OH jokes around with DD (nearly 4) a lot. But, I don't think his humour is appropriate. It's always teasing. E.g. "That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response. Or, he'll tell a "funny story" about something that happened before she was born (like the time he cooked a lemon in with the potatoes and I gagged :-/) and she loses interest and then he gets frustrated. It reminds me of "old granddad jokes". I don't want to sound ageist, but that's how I would describe it. He always does it in a very jovial manger and with a big smile on his face, but it's all the time. As if he can't think of anything to say to her. I know his intentions are good.

I've tried mentioning it several times, but he insists it is funny.

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

I keep thinking he'll copy some of the things I do with her, but he never ventures from the teasing.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I could do without the tantrums and tears.

I’m not very impressed by his behavior. Deliberately winding up a small child who is not even 4 years old is not a sign of humor, or intelligence...

My mum teases my son and I just say 'no teasing'. My family are Irish and taking the piss out of each other constantly is totally normal.

How did it go op?

Better boundaries is the way forward, and having confidence in your own parenting - which sounds amazing by the way. He doesn't get to decide how you raise her or what is acceptable. He can be a loving and respectful influence in her life, but men like this unless they can see what they are doing is damaging tend to find change very challenging. No doubt he thinks is joker status is 'part of him' and is unappreciated by you and dd as his captive audience.

You and dd can do better.

He doesn't come first. He never has.

Every time your daughter is reduced to tears of frustration, he is coming first. You are putting him first. Every time that happens, every time you can see the difference - which you try and explain above - between a caring parent playing with her child, and a pushy, dominant non-parent teasing her child in the name of 'fun' - every time that happens and you do not stop it, he is coming first.

This thread is scratching the surface, I suspect.

I hope you get rid.

@cariadlet

The "jokes" aren't a problem in themselves (just stupid and unfunny). The problem is that he continues with them when your dd clearly doesn't find them funny and sometimes actually finds them upsetting. He needs to grow up, realise that she doesn't find his "humour" funny and find a different way to interact with her.

This.

He’s not doing anything terrible but he needs to be able to read her reaction and change his approach if it’s not working.

It sounds like he’s not very socially aware. How is he with adults? Does he tell unfunny jokes with them too, or go on and on about boring topics, is he rude inadvertently etc.

My dad is like this with my kids (unfunny teasing because he doesn’t know how to interact with them) and tbh he is sometimes a bit tone deaf with adults too.

I bloody wish someone had stood up for me when the 'playfighting' pokes gave me bruises that lasted for weeks, the Chinese burns tore the skin on my wrists. The teasing over mealtimes when I was hungry by stealing food off my plate. Oh such fun. Oh and the torturous tickling that made me feel I was going to die because I couldn't breathe then told off when I cried or stropped. 'it's only a joke' 'I'm only having a bit of fun'

@snowydaysandholidays We've had a big snowstorm overnight (you'd like it given your username!) and his dad has called in a panic. He's gone off to help him. DD and I are going to have a snow day.

@minipie I spent the night online looking up ASD and he ticks a lot of the boxes. He DOES go on and on about stuff (films). At one point he used to want to talk about astrology, but I said I'd have to leave him because of it and that I couldn't have him talking about that shit in the house. I just couldn't. It stopped. It's films now. Directors. Collecting DVDs obsessively. I mean, thousands of them. Thousands. He has a room for them at his Dad's house.
People think he's eccentric.
Also, he doesn't "get" stuff. He takes things quite literally. He interrupts with questions. It could be a pretty straightforward tale and he stops me to clarify a point.

I'm in a mess here, aren't I?

You're not in a mess. If you don't want to have to put up with a man who drones on about his interests while showing no interest in yours and who annoys your child to the point of tears you know what you have to do. It is unfair on your child to have to put up with this, you've brought this into her life so time to address it head on.

I don’t think you need to write him off because of this one thing necessarily, but you do need to a) assess whether his positives are enough to outweigh this negative trait and b) recognise that it will give you an extra burden of stepping in and effectively teaching him how to interact appropriately. Is it worth it - only you can tell.

It sounds like he wants to interact with her but is just a bit clumsy about it. I suggested to my ex things he could do with our children based on stuff he is good at. Now they enjoy baking with him. I think he finds it all much easier having a set task to do with them.

My family are also Irish TeachesOfPeaches and they don't take the piss out of each other constantly

@HeidiHaughton

You're not in a mess. If you don't want to have to put up with a man who drones on about his interests while showing no interest in yours and who annoys your child to the point of tears you know what you have to do. It is unfair on your child to have to put up with this, you've brought this into her life so time to address it head on.

This. Hopefully you haven't mixed finances or anything like that.

OP,

You came on here because something wasn't right.
Now you know.

Put your daughter, her future and what is best for her at the centre of your thoughts and decision process.

We are irish too and yes we do slag each other off in jest but adults don't badger small children until they cry. If he knows he doesn't always get stuff then he should trust you on this one and stop. If he won't, he is a shit, pure and simple.

Obsessive interests, talking at people rather than engaging in conversation, interrupting and difficulty in reading emotions definitely point towards ASD. Does he have any sensory issues? Could be sensory sensitivities or sensory seeking. That's one of the other impairments clinicians look for when they make a diagnosis.

If he was, it doesn't mean he will automatically be a bad partner or parent but it will make it harder for him and he will need to be open and willing to learn.

I have ASD as and was only diagnosed a couple of years ago when dd was already a teen. Girls and women with ASD tend to be more keen to fit in than boys and girls so tend to have better social skills but we have consciously learned them, often by copying neurotypical girls and women.

I had a father who, looking back, was almost certainly a high-functioning autistic person.

It wasn't good. I think as children get older their needs to have adults who listen to them, who respect them, who are attentive to their feelings, increase.

Adults also need to be able to cope with the challenges of adolescences and stay calm.

A friend of mine left her partner who had ASD, not because he wasn't a loving father - but because he simply didn't understand how to keep their young daughter safe. (He'd say things like 'Keep away from the water' and think that would be enough, rather than understanding he had to supervise her on the beach.)

This isn't to say that men with ASD can't be good parents/step-parents if they are aware of the side of bringing up children which is less easy for them. But it's tough on the neurotypical mother in this situation.