OH teasing daughter

[7catsandcounting]

Happy for you to tell me I'm overreacting...

OH jokes around with DD (nearly 4) a lot. But, I don't think his humour is appropriate. It's always teasing. E.g. "That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response. Or, he'll tell a "funny story" about something that happened before she was born (like the time he cooked a lemon in with the potatoes and I gagged :-/) and she loses interest and then he gets frustrated. It reminds me of "old granddad jokes". I don't want to sound ageist, but that's how I would describe it. He always does it in a very jovial manger and with a big smile on his face, but it's all the time. As if he can't think of anything to say to her. I know his intentions are good.

I've tried mentioning it several times, but he insists it is funny.

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

I keep thinking he'll copy some of the things I do with her, but he never ventures from the teasing.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I could do without the tantrums and tears.

I've known a few people do stuff like this and funnily enough they are all men. I hated it as a child and I hate it as an adult but at least I'm able to sharply knock it on the head nowadays.

The theme seemed to be winding up/intimidating the child/woman in a jokey way that was very goady. Then when she cries or snaps makes out she is unreasonable and has no sense of humour because he was "only joking".

My dad was one of the prime offenders. I'd try to ignore the teasing but it would ramp up and up until he got a reaction. When I started snapping back angrily in my teens he would then get all hurt and offended. Then do it more ... it was like he had to put me in my place in the pecking order.

Like a PP my dad made a speech of my wedding day littered with insults about my "poor husband taking me on" and how I was "not an easy job". He thought it hilarious. I was mortified. He really didn't say a single nice thing about me.

My other half was also a bit prone to the goady teasing in the early years. I think his was less malicious but rather that he came from a big family where they all rip the piss out of each other all the time, there are occasional blow ups and it's instantly forgotten again. He would also do the wounded thing when I had enough and snapped at him. I ended up totally letting rip one time and telling him I felt like a lion in a cage being poked with a stick and it WASN'T FUNNY IT WAS JUST FUCKING ANNOYING, and pointless as when he eventually got a reaction that made him unhappy as well as me. It stopped.

You will have a better idea if he's doing it to put your daughter down or in a misguided attempt at humour. But you need to knock it on the head.

Actually pretty disturbing that so many people don't think little girls should have their boundaries respected by men

I don’t like it when adults behave like that with children. And yes, I have mainly encountered this from older men who don’t really know how to interact with children. It’s the kind of thing you might tolerate from an annoying uncle that you see twice a year, but on a daily basis it’s not on.

@billy1966 Yes, you're right.

I will woman up.

My daughter's feelings are infinitely more important to me than his.

I won't pussyfoot around. It just helps me to have the arguments to hand. But it should be enough that I simply state that I don't want it.

I don't wind people up. Or if I do, I know they can take it beforehand. We "agree" to mutual sarcasm for example.

My DD isn't a massive whinger by the way. She just gets frustrated with the "it's mine, not yours" crap. She doesn't get it. I don't want accepting a man taking the constant piss to be a life skill she has to learn.

I don't think it's going to do her any harm. But it sounds like it's fucking irritating to be around. Honestly do you find that annoying uncle thing attractive? Just feels really cringey. It's also annoying to be around somone who is winding a kid up constantly as the kid wines and huffs. 3 year old are hard enough to deal with without him making her more whiney.

They also get frustrated enough with managing their emotions and needs without him deliberately frustrating them. So you're more than within your rights to ask him to stop. You're her parent you get to decide what is OK.

It's fine. I'm a childminder and my dh is a bit like that but they get the hang of it soon enough and play along and laugh.

I think some people don't know how to be around kids and this is maybe not bad intentioned. It reminds me of my brother who would say to my 4 yr old daughter 'typical woman' when she changes her mind etc. I'm like 'please stop' as nobody is finding it funny. Or my soon to be ex is calling our daughter 'most beautiful'. I just really dislike it. It's lack of experience with kids maybe? He needs to get to know your daughter to learn how to be on her level, what skills she has, what she likes... I've not read all the responses so don't know the details but if you want to be gentle maybe have a chat about it when she's not around and just gently explain what she is into, what numbers she can count to for instance, what kids know and understand at this age. Is there something he could do with her which is on her level that he would also enjoy like duplo, board games of some sorts, baking, pretend racing, dancing... sound like something that could be workable

@Notcontent yep always the men. Normally older too.

@7catsandcounting I couldn't agree more that you don't want your daughter to have to learn to tolerate a man taking the piss constantly.

Why are you not being more assertive op? You don't need a magazine to tell him that he needs to stop. Perhaps sit down this evening and tell him you find it uncomfortable, dd doesn't like it, and you would prefer it to stop. If he doesn't like it, well that is too bad. Why are you not able to stand up for dd or yourself? Are you scared he will leave? He can't come before dd. So it really is time to start defending dd now. Or he is going to do exactly as he pleases, and that won't be easy as she grows up.

Op I think he also needs to be careful about the tickling and stuff, are you happy with that?

I don't know op, I think your instincts are spot on, something is making you uncomfortable, I would listen to that feeling. He might not be the right person for you or dd.

@EmergencyHydrangea I agree with you. It’s so important for girls to understand that they’re allowed to have their own boundaries and it isn’t unkind or rude to say, ‘No, I don’t like this.’

My DH is like this with our DC, now 11. Always pulling DC's leg with what he thinks is witty banter - saying things like "I'll send you to bed without any supper" when DC sits on his favourite spot on the sofa etc.

It's tiresome, irritating and by no means funny. I tell him so occasionally, but I wish I had the courage to just to demand more firmly that he stops... or at least thinks before saying stuff.

He's a good man at heart and I know to him it's a way of connecting with DC. But in fact it has the opposite effect of shutting down open and trusting communication between them. Unsurprisingly, DC throws up barriers and just ignores him.

So, my advice is to tell your OH you don't like it, and he should try to reset the way he communicates with DC. Wish I'd done so a long time ago.

God I don't know how women are putting up with men like this being fathers to their children. How fucking irritating.

My Dad used to do similar to me. He would tickle me until way past when I was enjoying it. Joke/tease me until I was upset or angry. He would then laugh at me and tell me I was cute when I was angry. I absolutely hated it. I'd then be told off by my mum for losing my temper, or being oversensitive. My older sister would get involved too, goading and laughing at me.

I hated it. It was horrible. I was powerless and had no way to escape it. Its damaged my relationships with all my family. It was definitely a power trip for him. He didn't care what I thought or how I felt about it. It made me feel worthless.

There was another poster who mentioned a weird inappropriate speech at their wedding. Same here. I actually didnt ask him to do a speech as I knew itd be a shitshow. He insisted. I wish I hadnt let him do it. A lifetime of conditioning though.

He tries to do his jokes/tickles with his grandchildren too. But the difference is we all step in every time, even my mum and older sister. I will tell him to stop, she's not enjoying it. Call him silly grandpa. Get her to tell him no, or to shout for me if I'm in the other room/toilet. He's never alone with my children for any significant length of time. The GC dont tend to gravitate towards him anyway. Funny that...

My DH gets it. I've told him how I feel about tickling/jokes and he has never overstepped the line with DD. His family all do jokes and tickles but they know when to stop. It used to make me feel really on edge but now I know they love her and will respect her wishes. BIL has ASD and sometimes doesn't get straight away if DD is starting to find it a bit much, but she or whoever else is there only has to say stop and he will.

It's not a joke if she's not laughing.

@Looneytune253

It's fine. I'm a childminder and my dh is a bit like that but they get the hang of it soon enough and play along and laugh.

Jesus Christ. I'm glad you are not my child's childminder

[quote 7catsandcounting]@billy1966 Yes, you're right.

I will woman up.

My daughter's feelings are infinitely more important to me than his.

I won't pussyfoot around. It just helps me to have the arguments to hand. But it should be enough that I simply state that I don't want it.

I don't wind people up. Or if I do, I know they can take it beforehand. We "agree" to mutual sarcasm for example.

My DD isn't a massive whinger by the way. She just gets frustrated with the "it's mine, not yours" crap. She doesn't get it. I don't want accepting a man taking the constant piss to be a life skill she has to learn.[/quote]
Glad to read this update.

@EmergencyHydrangea yeah I don't have children but had a similar thought. I wonder if all the parents are happy with this irritating piss taking man being around their kids?

Also the slightly older ones say 7 plus can feel awkward enough as it is. They don't need this!

I don't think that is okay either looney not at all, please ask him to stop they are someone else's children and you need to be much more professional.

So ge understands boundaries with regards tickling and does not do it after you told him.

You have told him that winding a 3 and a half year old up is bot funny and she doesn't like it, but he's decided that he doesn't care and will carry on doing it regardless.

Nice.

People saying it will teach your toddler resilience, bo it won't. It is already instilling into her that if she doesn't laugh at a grown man who is making her cry, he will be pissed off with her.

This is prime bait for her growing up walking on eggshells, or allowing herself to be walked over.

Anyone who says 'my uncle used to be a cunt to me and it never done me any harm', well you can all remember it years later, so obviously had a lasting impression.

So many typo's 🙄

[quote 7catsandcounting]@billy1966 Yes, you're right.

I will woman up.

My daughter's feelings are infinitely more important to me than his.

I won't pussyfoot around. It just helps me to have the arguments to hand. But it should be enough that I simply state that I don't want it.

I don't wind people up. Or if I do, I know they can take it beforehand. We "agree" to mutual sarcasm for example.

My DD isn't a massive whinger by the way. She just gets frustrated with the "it's mine, not yours" crap. She doesn't get it. I don't want accepting a man taking the constant piss to be a life skill she has to learn.[/quote]
Good for you OP because her constant frustration when she doesn't have the language to articulate how she is feeling could be very damaging for her little spirit.

Similarly for her to feel that you think it is ok for her to not have boundaries that should be respected.

Again, similarly that it is a big man doing it.

I have two daughter's...i would rather eat my arm that allow them to EVER get the impression it is ok for any male but also female etc to disrespect their boundaries.

I am a great believer in being very alert to teaching, even very young children, their right, to their boundaries.

It is an important part of them learning their right to respect, bodily and otherwise...and developing general self respect.....

Children who are badly teased NEVER forget.

@HelloDulling

The winding her up/teasing her until she cries would make me cross. If it’s upsetting her, it’s not funny.

This.

@ChancesWhatChances

YANBU, a joke is only a joke if both parties find it funny. Winding a small child up to the point of tears or tantrums isn’t funny. I’d make him comfort her and calm her down every single time. I doubt it’ll damage her, he’ll probably stop once she’s a couple years older and if he doesn’t she will end up just ignoring him or having zero relationship with him

Exactly this. Is he doing it for his own amusement or hers?

@Looneytune253

It's fine. I'm a childminder and my dh is a bit like that but they get the hang of it soon enough and play along and laugh.

So people are paying for their kids to have to 'learn to play along' with your husband? I wouldn't be thrilled about that.

I've always had a thing about ticking. I will sometimes do it (round and round the garden song or incy wincy), but for literally three seconds. She says "again", I do it again.That's all I will allow. Or spin her around. Or push her higher on the swing. She says stop, I stop.

With the humour thing, it's exactly the same. I just need to be firm about the rules. I don't know why I've been so hesitant. I don't like hurting people who mean well, but I can't let this continue.

He also thinks my "gendre neutral" ideas are wrong. By that, I mean she's not covered in pink all the time. I like her to have a range of toys and I'm careful to avoid too much princess stuff and about the books I buy (I look for books with female main characters). I know he thinks it's OTT and will laugh at me sometimes. If DD wants a pink cake or something, he'll laugh and say "ha ha! See?"

Things need to change. Big time.

Only having this single "teasing" mode of communication with your daughter is not ideal, but the fact she dislikes it makes it even worse.

Could you encourage him to read to her or maybe listen to music - something where there's a focus other than his "jokes"? If he really doesn't know how to relate to a three-year-old girl then he might find that easier.

I find people (exclusively men, in my experience) who can only communicate through teasing intensely irritating, and that's without the power differential in the situation you describe. It's almost a form of "negging".