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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH teasing daughter

192 replies

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 15:18

Happy for you to tell me I'm overreacting...

OH jokes around with DD (nearly 4) a lot. But, I don't think his humour is appropriate. It's always teasing. E.g. "That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response. Or, he'll tell a "funny story" about something that happened before she was born (like the time he cooked a lemon in with the potatoes and I gagged :-/) and she loses interest and then he gets frustrated. It reminds me of "old granddad jokes". I don't want to sound ageist, but that's how I would describe it. He always does it in a very jovial manger and with a big smile on his face, but it's all the time. As if he can't think of anything to say to her. I know his intentions are good.

I've tried mentioning it several times, but he insists it is funny.

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

I keep thinking he'll copy some of the things I do with her, but he never ventures from the teasing.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I could do without the tantrums and tears.

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 09/02/2021 18:20

@7catsandcounting YANBU, he sounds dreadful.

Cocomarine · 09/02/2021 18:21

He sounds really fucking tiresome.
It’s not easy to change your sense of humour (not that I find him funny, but I kids who’d squeak and enjoy a joke about stealing sweets) so I would expect him to tone it down rather than just stop.

I think you need to be clear about your daughter’s reactions - tears and tantrums is not 10 seconds of whining. So which is it?

Although yes, two parents have to compromise on how they parent their own child, I’d absolutely pull rank on a step parent (I am one, and I’m married to my kids’ stepfather). Bottom line - parent decides.

It’s all very well talking about resilience - but that’s for the occasional bit of well meant teasing. Not all the bloody time when someone doesn’t care enough to adapt their approach 🤷🏻‍♀️

One of mine avoids video calls with her grandfather now, after one too many comments like, “you’ve got more freckles than face - how funny!” or, to her proudly showing off some actually really good make up (and even if it was bad) “you’re not going out like that are you?” / “got an interview as a pantomime dame?”

She has no less resilience than the next kid, but she’s bored and quite angry with the constant put-down-piss-take-as-humour thing 🙄

Holothane · 09/02/2021 18:23

Just remembered when I first moved back here after first marriage broke down my cousin saw me buying flapjack and said “You’ll get fat” I told straight away “You can pack that in right now I had it all growing up I’m not having it now”

DeusEx · 09/02/2021 18:24

My dad did this ALL THE TIME when I was small. I remember feeling so frustrated and powerless and quite sad about it. Probably a sensitive child but still.

Tell him it’s only funny if the child finds it funny. Which she doesn’t. So stop.

Puffinhead · 09/02/2021 18:25

I think you’re absolutely right to teach your DD that ‘no/stop’ means exactly that. I had to have a conversation with my DH about this years ago - he’s a ‘fun’ dad that likes to lark about with our DDs but sometimes he takes it too far. But when they so ‘no’ it stops.

DeusEx · 09/02/2021 18:25

And agree with a PP - it is like negging.

Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 18:27

She rarely tantrums. I can count them on one hand. It's a whining "noooooo" and she looks a bit panicky. It does sometimes turn to tears. He feels bad if she cries... but he should have learnt from it. Don't pretend you've lost her duck or that there's no pudding for her because there's only enough for you or whatever the shit joke of the day is.

OP posts:
HeidiHaughton · 09/02/2021 18:28

These men - they're always men - are beyond tedious. Do you want your child to have an entire childhood of this crap? It is deeply unattractive.

Cocomarine · 09/02/2021 18:29

@HeidiHaughton

These men - they're always men - are beyond tedious. Do you want your child to have an entire childhood of this crap? It is deeply unattractive.
It’s a really good observation that it’s always men. I’m a woman and I do tease my child - I know what will make her giggle. But all of the examples I can think of in my family and friends, past and present, where it’s been unwanted have all been men.
Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 18:31

@Holothane I saw woman in a bakery say to her daughter (who'd asked for a meringue thing), "No, you have to start thinking about your figure." The girl was 8. Tops. I didn't dare say anything (mainly because I'm overweight), but I think about it regularly.

OP posts:
LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 18:33

@7catsandcounting

She rarely tantrums. I can count them on one hand. It's a whining "noooooo" and she looks a bit panicky. It does sometimes turn to tears. He feels bad if she cries... but he should have learnt from it. Don't pretend you've lost her duck or that there's no pudding for her because there's only enough for you or whatever the shit joke of the day is.
Why does he find it funny?

It reminds me of negging too.

billy1966 · 09/02/2021 18:50

@DeusEx

My dad did this ALL THE TIME when I was small. I remember feeling so frustrated and powerless and quite sad about it. Probably a sensitive child but still.

Tell him it’s only funny if the child finds it funny. Which she doesn’t. So stop.

YOU WERE NOT SENSITIVE.

THIS GIVES ME THE ABSOLUTE RAGE.

The poor victim ends up thinking it was THEIR fault.

Rather than the truth, that the twat that gets a kick out of upsetting a child, is a complete twat.
Flowers

Oysterbabe · 09/02/2021 18:56

It would fuck me off and I'd tell him to stop every time.

snowydaysandholidays · 09/02/2021 18:56

He is also undermining your parenting as well as disrespecting your child’s feelings. If you are raising to feel she can play with any toys - and he then laughs at you for choosing a pink cake I don’t think that is fine. He sounds insecure and not especially genuine, seeing you and dd as easy pickings for his fragile ego.

What does he bring to yours and dds life?
You might be wise to consider carefully whether he is father or step father material. She will be fifteen one day what happens then?

DeusEx · 09/02/2021 18:57

Thank you @billy1966. That’s really kind of you. Flowers back.

moomalade89 · 09/02/2021 19:02

Have you got 'the ick' OP? I know EXACTLY the sort of humour you mean and if my partner reminded me of a grandad then I'd be getting that a bit... I don't mean any offence by the way!

Okokokbear · 09/02/2021 19:06

@Cocomarine I agree that a bit of making fun is fine. Like when I look after my niece I often stop and get a coffee. I'll say should we get you a coffee? And she'll say, no silly little girls don't drink coffee. (I can't imagine her on the coffee!) silly things on occasion like this and it can be fun.

But I do think as pp's have said it's always the men taking it too far.

Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 19:09

@moomalade89 Yeah... I might be getting the ick. I'm certainly a bit fed up. He's not an unkind man, but we're not on the same page about a lot of stuff. Sometimes, we can have real fun. We enjoy trips out, films, chatting about politics... generally pretty similar. But some things we really clash on and I'm probably trying to deny it.

OP posts:
louise4754 · 09/02/2021 19:12

Can people give me some examples?
Where does the line stop? My husband is like this but I just thought it was dad stuff

Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 19:13

@Okokokbear I'm very silly with DD. We're always messing about and being daft, but she GETS it. Or she takes the lead and I go with it. I know how to guage her mood and reations. But I don't wind her up. It's the winding up I can't cope with.

OP posts:
IsThePopeCatholic · 09/02/2021 19:15

He sounds really immature. It must feel like you’ve got another child in the house! It would drive me nuts, and I would want to protect my dd from him.
Keep up the pink stinks campaign. The whole princess girly thing is toxic.

StormBaby · 09/02/2021 19:17

My DH is a perpetual joker, and it’s draining and wearing at times, but at least he’s fun! However, the kids have zero respect for him and don’t listen to a word he says. They disregard his final say 24/7, if that makes any sense, because they never know if he’s joking...they will come ask me instead. Even innocent questions like “what’s for dinner?”, they know he won’t give a straight answer, ever.

user143677433 · 09/02/2021 19:25

You could gently point him in the direction of some decent parenting books that deal with the topic.

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk is really, really good and helped me with kids from toddlers through to teens.

By “gently” I mean get a physical copy of the book, read it yourself, keep going on about how amazing it is and how it is helping YOUR parenting, and then suggest he might like it.

Original poster
7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 20:00

@user143677433 Yes, I have that book. It's got some great tips in it. Tips in it that actually work. Like magic!

If I validate DD's feelings, the moaning/anger/tears stop straight away. That was the best tip ever. "You're upset because we can't go swimming tonight, aren't you? As soon as the pool is open, we can go!". Meltdown over. Amazing. I just tell her I understand what she's feeling. They should tell everyone this when we give birth! :-)

It's hard to remember what to do and say every time. I remember when at 18 months, DD chucked a fit because she wanted her shoes on AND off after nursery and I was thinking "what does the book say!!!" I had to just haul her out of there. You really have to reprogramme yourself, but it does work.

OH isn't as interested in these books as I am (I have a few). English isn't his first language, but I could find the equivalent. Or just talk about it more, like you say.

OP posts:
LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 20:03

@louise4754

Can people give me some examples? Where does the line stop? My husband is like this but I just thought it was dad stuff
The examples are all in OP posts.

OP, do you live with him?

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