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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH teasing daughter

192 replies

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 15:18

Happy for you to tell me I'm overreacting...

OH jokes around with DD (nearly 4) a lot. But, I don't think his humour is appropriate. It's always teasing. E.g. "That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response. Or, he'll tell a "funny story" about something that happened before she was born (like the time he cooked a lemon in with the potatoes and I gagged :-/) and she loses interest and then he gets frustrated. It reminds me of "old granddad jokes". I don't want to sound ageist, but that's how I would describe it. He always does it in a very jovial manger and with a big smile on his face, but it's all the time. As if he can't think of anything to say to her. I know his intentions are good.

I've tried mentioning it several times, but he insists it is funny.

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

I keep thinking he'll copy some of the things I do with her, but he never ventures from the teasing.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I could do without the tantrums and tears.

OP posts:

Beancounter1 · 09/02/2021 20:11

Hi OP,
So he thinks girls should be in pink, and submit nicely to his 'teasing'?
Sexist bully. Really vile, nasty, misogynistic behaviour.

He is not teasing her for 'fun', or to try and 'relate' to her. He is doing it to put her in her place and make sure both you and she knows who is boss. Like a baboon enforcing the hierarchy of the group.
I would find this very difficult to live with - it would be verging on a deal-breaker for me.
Trust your instincts - she has only got you to stand up for her.

crispychicken12 · 09/02/2021 20:12

I think it sounds sweet

Original poster

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 20:13

Yeah, we live together. We've lived together for just over a year. He moved in with me. He has his own house, but rents it out.

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 09/02/2021 20:16

I’d hate that. I don’t agree with others saying she needs to grow a thick skin. She’s 3. He’s a grown up. He needs to pack it in and stop upsetting her.

Original poster

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 20:17

@Beancounter1 It's not so much that he doesn't like pink or disagrees with me per se, but because I feel suite strongly about gender stereotypes, he finds it amusing if DD says her favourite colour is pink.

OP posts:

Original poster

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 20:18

@Beancounter1 It's still fucking annoying though. It's not backing me up. It's sending mixed signale to DD. It's disrespectful.

The more I think about it, the angrier I'm getting actually.

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 09/02/2021 20:19

And also, like others have said, only communicating in teasing. Like everything is a joke and you’re supposed to laugh the whole time at someone’s unfunny jokes (always men). It puts me right off someone. As it feels like there’s no authenticity behind it and it is so dull.

SwanShaped · 09/02/2021 20:20

Sounds like he does it to you a bit too. Trying to wind you up and finding it funny. What’s he like with other people?

Beancounter1 · 09/02/2021 20:22

So here is an example of 'teasing' that is actually fun:
My niece is four. She has developed an ongoing joke with her dad - when he is sitting down, she asks him to get her a drink of water, to turn the light on, or anything else she can think of. He gets up, as soon as his back is turned she is in his seat. He then pulls outraged faces, points at her, " what.. what.. that's my seat" etc. She is in fits of laughter. This routine can happen several times a week. She then ends up on his lap.

Can you see the power play is totally reversed? She becomes the 'boss' and he is the 'victim'.

HexWitch · 09/02/2021 20:24

My exh is like this with my youngest. Imo it's only funny if both parties are laughing.

LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 20:24

@7catsandcounting

Yeah, we live together. We've lived together for just over a year. He moved in with me. He has his own house, but rents it out.

I'm afraid I'd be having a "change your ways or leave" talk.

You mentioned in your first post that it's as if he doesn't really know how to talk to her. If that's the case, then he should take it even more seriously how her own mum feels about this and take the lead from you.

I might get flamed for this but he probably doesn't have the natural protective instinct most have around little children or he wouldn't behave like this in the first place.

As well as your DD being pissed off, it sounds like you've partnered up with someone who doesn't have emotional intelligence and that's going to annoy you too.

I find myself wondering what his good qualities are tbh.

Original poster

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 20:25

He does it with his family too. Every meal we have with them is a constant piss take. At best, they groan. At worst, they feel hurt. It's relentless with his younger brother. He's 12 years younger, very shy, very unsure of himself. I wonder if it's because he's had to put up with this all his life.

I don't remember my OH being like this when I first met him. I can't believe I've only noticed over the last few months or so. Or I've just been letting it go or not thinking about it properly.

OP posts:

SwanShaped · 09/02/2021 20:25

Yeah, it’s the ‘Fits of laughter’ that give it away! Fun jokes!

SwanShaped · 09/02/2021 20:27

It sounds like it’s the way he relates to people. Although it’s not relating. It’s actually keeping people at a distance. It can take a while to notice something about someone. But one you notice it, you’ll see it more and more.

LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 20:27

@7catsandcounting

I don't remember my OH being like this when I first met him. I can't believe I've only noticed over the last few months or so. Or I've just been letting it go or not thinking about it properly.

X post

Can I multiply my cross post by 10 please?

BunchIsBloom · 09/02/2021 20:28

I'm not sure I'm getting the issue tbh, I think I've either missed something or this is really silly.

My husband and I clash about parenting all the time.
He's like a giant kid, he gets them all het up and excited and I have to calm them (all 3! 😂) down.
It annoys me, sometimes it ends in tears and tantrums.
But we're different people, we're both good people and good parents, it's just how we handle it that matters. Good open communication. Teach your daughter to say what she does and doesn't want, the difference between age 4 and 6 is amazing, in time she'll understand a lot clearer.

Boardeduplife · 09/02/2021 20:29

You think it might be damaging her. Jeez 🙄

BeautifulStar · 09/02/2021 20:30

I can’t stand that kind of humour so I understand. It’s childish and lazy. He can’t be bothered trying to communicate on her level so is speaking to her in a way only he understands and thinks children should “like”. People generally don’t like being teased all the time.

He sounds like a bit of an arse - the kind of person I would avoid at parties.

Okokokbear · 09/02/2021 20:33

@BunchIsBloom

I'm not sure I'm getting the issue tbh, I think I've either missed something or this is really silly.

That sounds really fucking annoying. But I guess some women just think men are like this. You're very clearly in the minority here. So perhaps have a look at how your husband is relating to your children and how they actually feel about it.

HitchFlix · 09/02/2021 20:35

Placemarking to read later but I know what you mean OP. My husband does the exact same with our DC and it's very irritating. The almost 5yo now "gets it" most of the time but he really upsets the 3yo and when I tell him to stop he just laughs. I think it's a dickhead move to purposely upset your own child over and over regardless if you think it's "funny" (it isn't).

Original poster

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 20:36

@LunaHeather I was attracted to him because he's very bright (academically) and seemed very interesting in conversation. I wasn't looking for a relationship really. We just got on very well. I was happy to talk to someone on a similar level. He works on a very different area to me and I was fascinated. It was a slow-burner. He bombarded me with romance as well. He can be very caring. He is supportive in a lot of ways. But... maybe not as much as I thought. He does like the sound of his own voice. He rabbits on like Boris Johnson... sort of never getting to the point. Wordy and longwinded. That's frustrating too.

But there is no emotional intelligence. That's exactly it. I feel a bit guilty slagging him off. It's not all bad. But he's going to have to change or I think we're done. It's too big a risk otherwise.

Oh, bloody hell. :-(

OP posts:

LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 20:36

@Boardeduplife

You think it might be damaging her. Jeez 🙄

Maybe damaging isn't the right word

But as many said when we thought it was her dad, what kind of relationship would you have later with someone who's just been really annoying all your life? You'd do everything possible to avoid them.

LunaHeather · 09/02/2021 20:39

[quote 7catsandcounting]@LunaHeather I was attracted to him because he's very bright (academically) and seemed very interesting in conversation. I wasn't looking for a relationship really. We just got on very well. I was happy to talk to someone on a similar level. He works on a very different area to me and I was fascinated. It was a slow-burner. He bombarded me with romance as well. He can be very caring. He is supportive in a lot of ways. But... maybe not as much as I thought. He does like the sound of his own voice. He rabbits on like Boris Johnson... sort of never getting to the point. Wordy and longwinded. That's frustrating too.

Oh, bloody hell. :-([/quote]
Oh lordy

I run away from that type when they approach me!

No emotional intelligence and treats his family badly.

Only you can do what needs doing.
All good wishes

HeidiHaughton · 09/02/2021 20:42

One of my old boyfriend's had a father like this. I remember meeting him for the first time and he spent the entire meal having "fun" at boyfriend's expense. Teasing him about having a girlfriend and making inappropriate comments about what he must be getting up to. He would look really pleased with himself doing this, like he thought he was the life and soul of the party. I avoided him as much as possible after that because I didn't want to draw myself into being a target. Boyfriend admitted this was how his dad was and they all hated it but put up with it because it would be worse if he was challenged. Its horrible behaviour.

Ladywinesalot · 09/02/2021 20:45

It’s aggressive.

My DF used to do stuff like this, and then he’d go into a rage because he’d upset us.

It’s not funny your oh enjoys the power trip

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