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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH teasing daughter

192 replies

7catsandcounting · 09/02/2021 15:18

Happy for you to tell me I'm overreacting...

OH jokes around with DD (nearly 4) a lot. But, I don't think his humour is appropriate. It's always teasing. E.g. "That's not your bear, it's mine!", "They're my sweets!", "Who's the boss today? Mummy's the boss! You can be the boss tomorrow!" She often whines or whinges or cries in response. Or, he'll tell a "funny story" about something that happened before she was born (like the time he cooked a lemon in with the potatoes and I gagged :-/) and she loses interest and then he gets frustrated. It reminds me of "old granddad jokes". I don't want to sound ageist, but that's how I would describe it. He always does it in a very jovial manger and with a big smile on his face, but it's all the time. As if he can't think of anything to say to her. I know his intentions are good.

I've tried mentioning it several times, but he insists it is funny.

I just don't think she can process humour like that. It's too abstract.

AIBU? Does anyone know if this sort of thing could have a damaging effect on her? Any links? How would you deal with it?

I keep thinking he'll copy some of the things I do with her, but he never ventures from the teasing.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but I could do without the tantrums and tears.

OP posts:
DrinkingAllTheCoffee · 09/02/2021 16:49

He's my partner. Not her father. But he's been around since she was very young. I suppose this makes it more difficult.

Please protect her from him.

ThePricklySheep · 09/02/2021 16:50

*if the recipient

EmergencyHydrangea · 09/02/2021 16:50

@7catsandcounting

He's my partner. Not her father. But he's been around since she was very young. I suppose this makes it more difficult. I could "pull rank" (for want of a better word), but I don't want to be unkind to someone who does his best.

If I could maybe find some articles on the effects of teasing or something, I think he'd take it better.

So you care more about his feelings than hers then.
CutePixie · 09/02/2021 16:52

You sound overly sensitive. I remember my dad and uncles saying stuff like “no this is my teddy now” and I’d pull a face and say “no!” and then we would both laugh because teddy would end up doing cartwheels or something. I have a great sense of humour, I can laugh at dark jokes and sarcasm. Your DP sounds fun and really invested in building a bond with your DD. I love that my dad was so silly. Lots of fun and happy memories.

ThePricklySheep · 09/02/2021 17:01

But you weren’t crying, is the difference, CutePixie

I have a really evil, dry sense of humour, to the point where I’ve had school mums trying to explain to my children that I’m joking. They know I’m joking, it’s what they’re used to. But we got there by joking in a way they liked, not by making them cry.

ThePricklySheep · 09/02/2021 17:02

I would just ask why he likes upsetting her.

Chloemol · 09/02/2021 17:02

It’s something she doesn’t enjoy, so why on earth would he continue to do it

Harsh as this may be, and I have no doubt others will disagree it’s a fine line between what he is doing as ‘teasing’ and bullying, especially if it is relentless

She doesn’t enjoy it, he needs to stop it’s as simple as that

Shoxfordian · 09/02/2021 17:03

Do you really need an article to make him realise you might have a valid opinion?

TreacleHart · 09/02/2021 17:04

Unless he's actually taking her teddy or eating her sweets , then of course that's unkind but other than that , it's probably just his form of humour. If it irks you , then perhaps he's not a keeper.

Shamoo · 09/02/2021 17:04

I have seen a dad parent with this sort of teasing. Horrible. The kid was confused and upset. It isn’t funny to upset people, it’s bullying. My brother is similar and when I was little I absolutely hated it, still do. It’s not funny to anybody other than the person doing it.

The stories and jokes are separate I think.

Topseyt · 09/02/2021 17:06

None of that would even register in this house. I highly doubt it will scar her emotionally at all, though maybe he just doesn't know when to stop.

When mine were toddlers we played this game. I'd say something like "Oh, is that for me!" They'd say "NO!" and I'd say "Oh dear! Next time then!" That was it and it stopped at that point. They are 25, 22 and 18 now, and definitely not scarred for life.

They didn't have to win a quiz to get a comic I'd already bought for them though. That is taking it too far and he should just give it to her.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/02/2021 17:08

The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable.

As a grown adult you're uncomfortable about how another adult is treating your child. And you're looking for a nice way to resolve it because their feelings are more important than yours?

You shouldn't have to have gone "on and on" about tickling. One conversation about it should have been sufficient. Instead you had to go on and on because he simply ignored you, and now paints you as controlling because you're starting conversations about your child's happiness?

I'm not a step-parent hater at all - my DH is DS1's SD and I can't say enough good things about their relationship. But I'd give him the bollocking of a lifetime if I thought he was deliberately doing stuff to upset DS1 in the name of 'fun'.

ThePricklySheep · 09/02/2021 17:13

Oh I didn’t see you’d already mentioned tickling.

Fuckingcrustybread · 09/02/2021 17:16

Any adult who teases a small child to the point that they cry is an arsehole. A First class, grade A arsehole.

Deadringer · 09/02/2021 17:16

So he annoys her then gets annoyed that she is annoyed. He sounds like a pain in the hole. We all know people like him, they think they are hilarious, but it gets old very quickly. I mean maybe your dd is over sensitive, who knows? But constantly teasing her isn't going to cure her of it. She is 3 and he is making her cry, constantly, tell him to fuck off and leave her alone.

namechange30455 · 09/02/2021 17:20

I think he sounds a bit incompetent at interacting with a 3yo - he needs to realise that 3yos are whingy and tantrummy and don't have the understanding of an older child!

BUT the big red flag for me is that he isn't respecting what you, as her parent, say about how he interacts with her. I'd be mortified if I'd upset DSD by trying to be "funny" when she was 3. Sometimes you have to "upset" DC/DSC in the name of parenting (I remember DSD having a cracking tantrum at about that age because I wouldn't let her wear her bright pink plastic sandals for a full day at school), but he's just doing it cos he thinks he's right, not for any good reason.

It's only "funny" if you both find it funny. If the other person finds it not funny, and in fact upsetting, that's bullying.

Libraryghost · 09/02/2021 17:23

Christ.My grandad used to tell us gory stories and give us Chinese burns, 🤣 Nope not damaged and I have nothing but great memories, seriously you will make your child a mard arse . She is learning life skills - she will wind him up one day!

Skyla2005 · 09/02/2021 17:23

It won't damage her it will just annoy her

Libraryghost · 09/02/2021 17:25

Sorry just seen he is your partner - not her grandad!

Cpl415642 · 09/02/2021 17:27

My dad's family are like your OH and I've always been told from when I was a little kid that I'm too sensitive, can't take a joke, they'd literally laugh while I'd whine and cry of frustration! They found it all very funny.

As an adult I'm still pretty sensitive haha so it's not like their teasing changed me tbh. It's just not my style of humour, never has been, and I never liked it. He's not her dad so I'd tell him to reign it in. So many other fun ways to spend time playing with children that don't involve teasing them!

billy1966 · 09/02/2021 17:28

I think you will have to buck up OP.

Is he more important than your daughter?

Because you are tip toeing around him rather than spelling it out to him to STOP.

Irrespective of his intentions he is teasing and upsetting a little child.

I utterly despise those that tease.

Why would upsetting another person be something a nice person would enjoy?.

I don't get it, never have.

I don't like it and I have killed it dead when it occasionally happened between my own children.

Agitating someone to the extend that they cry with frustration is so awful and so unkind, even if people say they didn't mean it.

If you do it repeatedly and each time the child cry's...then it is not kind and for an adult to do it is wrong.

I would be vicious at any adult doing that to my child.

So woman up and put your child first.

If he gets huffy...dump him.

Because I think he sounds like a dim, obtuse twat for repeatedly upsetting a little child.

Flowers
bubs765 · 09/02/2021 17:32

I had a step dad like this and I never could relate to him, he always annoyed me so much and when they broke up when I was 11 I just remember feeling relieved!! YANBU he shouldn't wind her up

TwoZeroTwoZero · 09/02/2021 17:32

Yabu I think. I wind my dc up in good humour all the time and as they're getting older they're learning to give it back. I tell them jokes that make them groan. I sing at them. When they were younger, maybe when they were 3, they'd run away. Now they sing back.

If he stops when she asks and if he can be serious as well then it's not bullying.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/02/2021 17:33

seriously you will make your child a mard arse

I think statements like this can be dangerous; OP has openly acknowledged that her OH doesn't listen to what she says regarding her DD's personal space. A child saying "no, stop" when they don't like an adult's behaviour isn't a "mard arse" and tbh I'd rather a mard arse child than one who tolerates adults stupid behaviours because they've learned that their feelings don't matter. If a child doesn't enjoy the teasing, you stop. If a child is upset over the teasing, you stop.

Who the fuck gets enjoyment out of making a 3 year old cry?

IsThePopeCatholic · 09/02/2021 17:35

Children hate being teased. Adults do it when they don’t know how to relate to children or when they aren’t relating to the child as a person in his/her own right. I can’t bear seeing children being teased by adults because of the imbalance of power.

I wonder if your dh relates well with other adults? He sounds like a bit of a twat tbh, and I would definitely tell him what I thought.

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