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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly male looking through my window.

369 replies

LilOnline · 07/02/2021 16:57

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 07/02/2021 17:00

Personally I would go straight to the police. Others might disagree but I think this is harassment and if it was a younger male you wouldn’t hesitate - being older doesn’t make a difference here.

Turnedouttoes · 07/02/2021 17:06

I would definitely go to the police. My dad is late 60s and would absolutely not do anything like this, it’s really not that old and not an excuse anyway

AdaColeman · 07/02/2021 17:10

I think you be very rash to engage with him in any way at all.

He will see even a negative response from you (such as you suggest) as a success for himself.
Start to keep a diary of the times he contacts you, looks through your windows etc. As soon as you have a few incidents then you should contact the police and ask for advice.

He sounds quite intimidating, be cautious!

SnarkyBag · 07/02/2021 17:10

Late 60’s isn’t elderly and I would send him a letter recorded delivery stating that his cards and staring are making you uncomfortable and you would like him to stop, you could also state that you do not want to be approached in person about this matter . If he does it again I’d report.

lydia2021 · 07/02/2021 17:11

Hi. Whatever you do, do not respond to this man , by text, card or visiting him. It's what he wants. It has gone on long enough, and hes getting more daring, looking through your windows. Your best bet is to speak to 101, it's the police line for enquires. I hope you kept all the cards etc as evidence.. They will know, or find out if he has previous, or if hes just unwell or lonely.It is s crime to do this to you, the police call it unwanted contact or something similar.. do please speak to 101, and think about recording it all. Please put your safety first

Goodbye2020Helllo2021 · 07/02/2021 17:11

Late 60s is not elderly.

makingmammaries · 07/02/2021 17:15

Get some net curtains.

TheSpottedZebra · 07/02/2021 17:15

Agree late 60s isn't elderly. Ie he's not some harmless little old man that you should feel sorry for. He's probably a creep who probably thinks you will appreciate his 'advances'. I guess there is a small % chance that he's just thinking you're isolated and trying to be nice.

Either way, no need to be nice back. I mean, dont be unnecessarily rude but you dont need to be nice. If he does knock, you dont have to answer.

ChristOnAPeloton · 07/02/2021 17:16

He sounds like a fucking creep. Age and loneliness aren’t excuses for his behaviour. He’s not even that old anyway.

Your message was good- but take the “could you” out of it. Makes it sound like he should have the option of continuing if he chooses.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/02/2021 17:16

Do not respond. 100%. At the moment he is not having any interaction with you. Keep it that way. Log with the police. Tell friends and family. See if you can get a picture of him. If you respond, it will open up a 'relationship' with him which he wants. Very scary!

inquietant · 07/02/2021 17:19

Agree with other advice, speak to Police to at least log it asap.

Miltonj · 07/02/2021 17:19

He's not elderly... so don't view him as just a harmless old man. Do not engage with him at all. Report to the police.

Godimabitch · 07/02/2021 17:30

Creepy! Dont engage, it will only encourage him.
Call the police, ask them to go round and have a word with him and let them know you're concerned. It's better for them to already have on record that there's a concern in case it escalates. Keep everything he sends you.

TinyCake · 07/02/2021 17:33

Police - each time so there's a record. They will be able to advise. Do not respond to him.

Duckberg · 07/02/2021 17:33

That's not elderly.

I'd ask the police to log it and have words with him.

pumpkinbump · 07/02/2021 17:39

Very creepy all of it but the blank cards especially, he knows you will know who they're from, that doesn't sit right with me. Also mentioning your shutters, this is odd. I would log it with the police at the very least. Actually no, this has been going on a year? Report it.

OhCaptain · 07/02/2021 17:41

Late 60s isn’t “harmless elderly man who’s lonely” territory, tbh.

I think I’d speak to the police, too. I certainly wouldn’t engage with him.

TillyTopper · 07/02/2021 17:42

No way should you engage with him - it could only give him encouragement (in his mind). I'd go to the police and get them to talk to him. At least then it's on record. Also - keep a lot of everything (when he looks in, and keep what he puts in your letter box) you may need it if you need to go to court.

DavidsSchitt · 07/02/2021 17:42

Elderly?! That's not elderly.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/02/2021 17:43

Do not engage with him, speak to the police.

grassisjeweled · 07/02/2021 17:45

Straight to the police. It's harassment. If that doesn't work you need your brother /dad/uncle, whoever, someone young and male, preferably tall and beefy to tell him to stay the fuck away.

grassisjeweled · 07/02/2021 17:45

Yeah, he's not elderly! Like he's some bamboozled old fella Hmm

1Morewineplease · 07/02/2021 17:47

It might be worth your while seeking police advice on their non-emergency number .
Your call will be logged and they will have sound advice for you.
I don't recommend approaching him until you have spoken to the police

LilOnline · 07/02/2021 17:49

Thank you everyone for responding - I've just called the 101 number and logged a crime report. They'll pass it to my local police.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/02/2021 17:50

Christ the police will be delighted to get this sort of report.

Agree with others, he’s not elderly, try to address it yourself first.

Just a message through his door saying thanks for the cards, could I ask you to refrain from sending any more? Thanks.

You can’t stop him looking in as he walks by. Many people will do this.