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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly male looking through my window.

369 replies

LilOnline · 07/02/2021 16:57

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

OP posts:
littlepattilou · 07/02/2021 18:31

@LilOnline

Glad to see you have passed this to the police. This is hugely weird and inappropriate. In HIS head, what he's doing is romantic and lovely. In reality, it's as creepy as fuck. Puts me in mind of a man I know (mid 50s,) who sees himself as a bit of a ladies man; (funny, charming, and a wow with the 'laydeez...')

He tries to engage in conversation with every women he meets, even those as young as 18-20, and sees himself as a 'ladies man' because they (according to him) smile and giggle and respond to his chatting and engaging with them.

In reality, 9 out of 10 of these women are being sick into their mouth(s) (when this man tries to be their 'friend,' and tries to be 'funny,') and are looking for the quickest route away from him.

It's off-the-scale cringeworthy, and everyone who knows him is embarrassed for him, and feels sorry for his wife...

Also late 60s IS elderly!

Why are people saying it isn't? Confused

There are so many people offended by this over this past few weeks. How bizarre.

I can only surmise that it's people who are in their 60s themselves, and are miffed at someone saying that age is elderly!

It is elderly. So what? What's wrong with being elderly? Confused

There are so many posters on here who are really precious about this, honestly! It's sad really........ Some people are denied the privilege of aging!

BrilliantBetty · 07/02/2021 18:31

You've done the right thing.

My DM has had some knocks at the door / possible snooping and recently got a Ring doorbell. She's pleased with it so far and is reassured to have a recorded image of anyone who gets close to the door. And she's started looking who it is before answering.
I haven't seen it in action but it sounds good.
You could consider that, if you thought it might be a deterrent or a reassurance.

Nannewnannew · 07/02/2021 18:32

I’m pleased you’ve notified the Police, that was definitely the right thing to do. This man is stalking you and it needs nipping in the bud now. Any contact with him will encourage him.

aloeveraatmosphera · 07/02/2021 18:32

Glad you reported to the police. Let them decide and they will have his records if he has any with them.

I had someone staring at our house all week once. I kept saying to my dh it was so weird but dh just kept joking I was turning into a paranoid curtain twitcher.
Anyway he didn't laugh when I phoned him after he went away for work to let him know the car was stolen.
I wish I'd have logged it at least.

Bagelsandbrie · 07/02/2021 18:32

Women are too polite with this shit.

Write him a note saying thanks?!

If he sent one note asking where the shutters were from because he liked them or knocked and asked, fine. Anymore than that is creepy. Full stop.

We need to stop being so polite. It is harassment and it is wrong.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2021 18:33

FGS she hardly dialled 999!

This is why we have community police officers.

Eckhart · 07/02/2021 18:34

I'd put a strip of frosted window film across the window, just a narrow one, at eye level. Unless he'd crouch down to get a better view?

CCC1 · 07/02/2021 18:34

My mum (71)) has dementia and this is strikingly similar to her behaviours 18 months ago - especially the blank cards. Getting support was a nightmare until neighbours starting making social service referrals to support what we were saying too.

Whatever his issue may be it is worth reporting.

aloeveraatmosphera · 07/02/2021 18:34

Oh and I now have a ring doorbell and cameras inside our house.
I really like the reassurance to just sit in bed and check the camera views on my phone whenever. I think you'd benefit from this.

whenindoubtBake · 07/02/2021 18:36

That's really creepy.

OhCaptain · 07/02/2021 18:36

@LilOnline well done. You’ve attracted a couple of posters who come onto threads to be cuntishly contrary no matter the subject matter - as long as their opinions are different to the masses, they’re happy. 🙄🙄🙄

And women don’t have to be polite to people who make them uncomfortable or engage in odd/inappropriate behaviour.

Saz12 · 07/02/2021 18:37

My DF is in his early 70’s and is in a care home. He absolutely would have commented on something he saw as nice and unusual (eg plantation shutters, or interesting gate or whatever) in his late 60’s.
He wasn’t able to see a difference between his view of the world and someone elses. He 100% wouldn’t have been a threat and would t have understood that it’d make someone uncomfortable.

Community police would be good idea, to go round to his house and explain how inappropriate this is, in a way that will be neutral, not hurtful, and effective.

Saz12 · 07/02/2021 18:38

... and he wouldn’t have thought anything about you being female and him male, as he’d see you as way too young for him (and obviously my DF never ever had sex. Eeeewww).

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 07/02/2021 18:39

Can I suggest you buy some obscuring film for the lower half of your windows. That way you can keep you shutters open, still see some of outside but he won’t see in and will hopefully get the message.

I also have these shutters and often half tilt them so they point up on the inside, this stops people glancing in but allows light in.

Keratinsmooth · 07/02/2021 18:40

Change your blinds straightaway and work in a different part of the property. Can you close your post box and use a box on the wall. That you only open when you want with a key?

TheHumanSatsuma · 07/02/2021 18:43

I’m mid 60s
He’s not a sweet elderly gentleman he’s a creep!

partyatthepalace · 07/02/2021 18:44

You must report it to the police. Late 60s isn’t very elderly at all, don’t assume he’s a sweet old man, this is weird and unacceptable.

Write everything you can remember down, and call the police, make it clear it has escalated a bit, and ask to make a full report - give them ALL the details. Write everything down and report everything that happens from now as it happens.

Don’t engage with him directly - it’s what he wants and it may encourage him and be dangerous for you.

Ask the police what they think, but it may be an idea to get the frosted window stick on things for a while. Also get them round to check your locks and alarms - this will help them take it seriously. Don’t soft peddle to them.

OhCaptain · 07/02/2021 18:44

@Keratinsmooth

Change your blinds straightaway and work in a different part of the property. Can you close your post box and use a box on the wall. That you only open when you want with a key?
Eh - why should she??

He needs to change his behaviour, not her. Hopefully once the police have a word he’ll back off.

Mmn654123 · 07/02/2021 18:45

@Keratinsmooth

Change your blinds straightaway and work in a different part of the property. Can you close your post box and use a box on the wall. That you only open when you want with a key?
Say, what??
BringMeTea · 07/02/2021 18:45

Well done for reporting the creepy fucker.

Chanandlerbong01 · 07/02/2021 18:46

In addition to the people saying nip round and post a note.

What if she gets there and he isn’t a frail old dementia sufferer, he drags her in and does the u thinkable. Was she asking for it because she went round when she knew he was interested?

Please don’t give people shit advice. We don’t owe men anything. If it was a man sat home alone and an older man was harassing him with notes and staring would you suggest he went round with a fucking thank you note? Or would you comment on the ridiculousness of men acting this way.

ktp100 · 07/02/2021 18:47

Don't engage, that's what he wants.

You've done the right thing logging it with 101. Unfortunately these things happen and can be difficult to shut down, especially by the 'object of their affection'.

My Mum had to deal with this at work. An elderly gentleman refusing to go to anyone but her for help and then dropping in cards asking her to come to his house etc. Luckily her manager took him aside and asked him to stop and he did but some men can turn nasty when rebuffed, even older ones.

HollowTalk · 07/02/2021 18:52

This isn't dementia, @CCC1 - this is an entitled man who thinks that a woman he doesn't know will be delighted by his attentions.

littlepattilou · 07/02/2021 18:53

@HollowTalk

This isn't dementia, *@CCC1* - this is an entitled man who thinks that a woman he doesn't know will be delighted by his attentions.
This! ^
littlepattilou · 07/02/2021 18:53

@Chanandlerbong01

In addition to the people saying nip round and post a note.

What if she gets there and he isn’t a frail old dementia sufferer, he drags her in and does the u thinkable. Was she asking for it because she went round when she knew he was interested?

Please don’t give people shit advice. We don’t owe men anything. If it was a man sat home alone and an older man was harassing him with notes and staring would you suggest he went round with a fucking thank you note? Or would you comment on the ridiculousness of men acting this way.

Exactly this.

Just because this is an elderly man, he doesn't get a free pass to be a stalking creep, and there is no guarantee he will be a 'sweet little thing,' just because he's elderly...

Some men seem to think women are there for them, as their plaything, and as their entertainment, and some men do NOT like to be told no. They want us to be all lovely and feminine and cute, and pander to their advances, and be flattered by it. Some of them get angry and aggressive when a woman turns them down.

The OP telling the police is the best thing she could do. She should NOT engage with this man.