Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

@makingmammaries

Get some net curtains.

Yeah, it's a no brainer tbh

Oooh this creeped me out . Poor you OP. Can you get some of those window shielding stick-on panels ?

The responses are not what I was expecting. Seems I am the only one who wouldn't immediately think he ways some sort of maniacal psychotic creep. Probably just trying to be friendly and may do it to a number of houses. I don't think admiring shutters and wishing someone a nice day are creepy or predatory. Maybe I'm too naive but I don't think so, I've managed to reach a decent age without being cut into pieces and am quite a cynical person I need general.

You have done the correct thing OP and I hope this means you are never troubled by this man again.

in general

No response, get a ring doorbell so you have evidence of how often he appears. Tilt your louvres to prevent anyone seeing in your windows.

As a 17 year old carer I was visiting a 90 year old client in his own home. He tried to drag me into bed. Late sixties is not elderly.

I think you've done the right thing OP. The police aren't just to get people in trouble, they should be able to advise or appropriately intervene (in theory), I really hope they can help. Like you say, it could be a range of things, some innocent and some not, but I would also feel uncomfortable.

How odd. Hopefully a quiet word from someone official will send him packing

Sorry if I sound blunt but has it not occurred to you to simply ask him to stop or to away?

If it were me and I was home at the point of him coming onto my property I'd open a window (or even the letterbox) and say something along the lines of "I want you to stop coming here and to stop posting things, if you continue after today I will report you to the police"

The police are able to act much more swiftly if the harrasser has been asked/told not to make any further contact.

*ask him to stop or to go away

I'm amazed by the number of people who, hearing what OP has said about what this man in his late 60s has done, jump immediately to the conclusion that he's a pervert rather than considering the far more likely possibility that he's ill with dementia.

As others have said... DO NOT ENGAGE!

Can’t believe some on the posters want op to reconfigure her whole bloody house just to avoid telling some creepy old man to fuck off

The reason I feel uncomfortable with this - is that he continue to put cards through your door without a response . If it were normal , he might have done this once and then left it when you didn’t respond. He keeps doing it and is now staring in your windows , that’s creepy and not on . Hopefully , the police will have a quiet word and you’ll be left alone x

YANBU, at all. Trust your instincts. And check your window and door locks are sound.

It’s sad if he’s genuinely lonely/wants company, who knows may even be ill, but it isn’t your responsibility. Women are conditioned to “be kind” at the expense of often our own safety. You do not owe this man your time or an explanation. Lockdown is hard and people are lonely, but he’s pushing at boundaries and will know he’s not behaving in a socially acceptable way. Again, if he doesn’t know that it still isn’t your responsibility.

I actually wouldn’t put a note through this man’s door. If he’s delusional or gets fixated in any way he’ll twist it so he thinks you DO want contact with him. I would suggest contacting 111 and asking police to log what’s happening, and seeing if your local police run a Safer Neighbourhoods Panel in your area. If they do, contact the beat officer and tell them. Otherwise, just straight up report to your local police force.

I think the Suzy Lamplugh Trust will give good advice in a situation like this too.

I wouldn’t respond to any contact with him at all.

@SpudsandGravy that's why the police should be able to advise the best way to approach it. If it is dementia then it still should be addressed for OPs sake. Similarly it could well just be a creepy bloke, plenty about. No one knows, including OP, which is why it is safer to not directly engage.

@SpudsandGravy the odd of dementia at that age, aren’t that high. The odds of him having poor boundaries, being a nuisance and / or a pervert are way higher!

www.dementiastatistics.org/statistics/prevalence-by-age-in-the-uk/ E.g. the odds of a 65-69 year older having dementia is 2 in 100 people

Whether it’s dementia or not is irrelevant. It’s overstepping and OP did the right thing. He isn’t her problem to sort out. Let the police do that.

Some of the advice given here has been very, very naive. I’ve had experience of “weird” men. I once befriended one, and upon realising I was well out of my depth, I backed out. The result? Weeks of him turning up to places he knew I was, scouring the library for me (I was at uni at the time), grabbing my arm as I tried to avoid him in the street, etc. Engaging usually results in you having a much worse problem on your hands. It only ended when I had my friend with me and I told him to fuck clean off in the middle of the library after he’s found me (again) and walked past twice.

Never engage. Ever.

I think you have done the right thing.

If I was in your position it would worry me. I'd be nervous about knocks on the door etc. I certainly wouldn't be up for confronting a stranger who is behaving quite oddly.

The police might be aware of him and can have a word. Or if his intentions are to innocently spread lockdown joy at least he'll be aware that it is creepy to some people.

Like most other people here, I agree late 60s isn't old.

Aside from that, all types of people get old, nice ones, nasty ones, and dangerous ones. There isn't a point like retirement age when these nasty and dangerous men suddenly become warm and fuzzy grandad figures.

Have you lived in the property a long time OP? Is there any chance this man could have had a family connection to it? His behaviour is unusual and unacceptable as it is making you uncomfortable, but was just wondering if there might be a reason for it, not connected to you as such if that makes sense. It was just the comment on the shutters made me wonder if he was commenting on a change you made and if he was wishing you well in the property too.

[quote Cloudybeanie]@SpudsandGravy that's why the police should be able to advise the best way to approach it. If it is dementia then it still should be addressed for OPs sake. Similarly it could well just be a creepy bloke, plenty about. No one knows, including OP, which is why it is safer to not directly engage.[/quote]

Yes, I agree about going to the police. That's not what I commented on.

I commented on the number of people who simply assume that a man in his late 60s behaving this way is likely to be a pervert or nutter or nasty person, rather than a person ill with dementia. I find that shocking.

Also late 60s IS elderly! Why are people saying it isn't? There are so many people offended by this over this past few weeks. How bizarre. I can only surmise that it's people who are in their 60s themselves, and are miffed at someone saying that age is elderly!

It's pretty obvious that PPs mean that late 60s is not so elderly that the OP can safely assume that the guy is not a threat. And they are right. Even men in their 70s or 80s can overpower a younger woman - I have been grabbed or hit (due to dementia or delirium) by elderly male patients many times, and they are surprisingly strong.