Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

Late 60’s isn’t elderly??? Bloody hell some folk have no concept of age. Late 60’s is elderly ffs

You say people in their late 60s are elderly, others (including me) say they aren’t,

Maybe adding ‘Bloody hell, some folk have no concept of age and ffs’ to your post makes you right.

This is disturbing and I'm glad you have reported it. In the meantime I'd find a way of not exposing yourself to him looking in- I know you shouldn't have to do this but it might be needed to have net curtains or some blinds if you can behind the shutters which reduce visibility

Elderly doesn't mean kind, nice or decent. It just means elderly.

If someone was a decent, kind and nice man when they were younger, chances are they will be when they are older. But we shouldn't ASSUME that just because someone is elderly and seem nice that they are. We also shouldn't give someone the benefit of the doubt if we feel like alarm bells are going off, no matter how ridiculous we feel. We should trust our instincts. I've made many mistakes and am thankfully still here to tell the story

His age is irrelevant really. The main point is that he is engaging in unwanted behaviour that the op finds frightening, and hasn’t reciprocated in any way. This should be a clear sign that he should stop. He hasn’t.

These threads frustrate me with the number of people who try to justify this type of behaviour with excuse such as he may be lonely or have dementia/learning difficulties/asd. That doesn’t give them a free pass to cause worry and upset to strangers. My son has asd and I’d certainly be taking measures if he ever started this type of behaviour. Op has absolutely done the right thing to report it. If he does have any of these issues it may help him get the support needed and ensure this doesn’t keep happening. If he doesn’t and he’s just a creepy man then hopefully a warning off from the police will put an end to it.

I told my mum (aged 71) about this thread.
She was horrified. Her first response was 'call the Police, it's stalking'.

He’s perfectly entitled to look in from the pavement. If you don’t want people to look in it’s your responsibility to cover your windows. The police will do nothing about it as he’s doing nothing wrong and a few kind letters is hardly harassment or anything
I think it’s lovely he’s been dropping little notes off. Maybe he is incredibly lonely, lost loved ones etc.

@Sarahrellyboo1987 give him your address and the 2 of you can become penpals then.🤨

@BorderlineHappy

He’s perfectly entitled to look in from the pavement. If you don’t want people to look in it’s your responsibility to cover your windows. The police will do nothing about it as he’s doing nothing wrong and a few kind letters is hardly harassment or anything I think it’s lovely he’s been dropping little notes off. Maybe he is incredibly lonely, lost loved ones etc.

@Sarahrellyboo1987 give him your address and the 2 of you can become penpals then.🤨

I'd go as far as suggesting that you give him your daughter's address - if you have one that lives on a ground floor and on her own so is more vulnerable? Just think how you'd feel if this was your daughter. Have some empathy.

There are many lonely people. It's such a shame that they seem to target people who really don't want or need the attention.

I have a sign on my letterbox prohibiting any unsolicited mail. It probably is a bit of a deterrent to those who can read and understand English.

Some lonely men think that women who are single are automatically an easy target because they also must be lonely. He might have watched OP on her own and decided that he would be her saviour from a lonely life, not understanding that many prefer their own company to most people and especially over a random strange nutter.

@ARantADay

Yes! I just think we should never make excuses for bad behavior. To make excuses and try to explain it away is to enable it. None of us can possibly presume to know what is going on in that man's head. It may be sinister, it may be lonely but either way he's making OP uncomfortable and that's not ok. Perhaps he would like letters through his door and is doing what he hopes to receive
, but this does not work with complete strangers (especially not the opposite sex) and is not appropriate.

I would have by now discussed this with other neighbours to find out what's going on with him, whether he has a mental disorder, if he does it to others. Perhaps he does need a referral to Social Services. Perhaps other neighbours think he's harmless? It could be reassuring to discuss it with other neighbours, but logging it with the police and keeping evidence is a good idea nevertheless.

Probably harmless but don't engage and definitely don't go to his house as some suggested

Most retirement homes are aimed at the over 55's. Plus if the OP is in their 20's, one in their 60's would be ancient. It's only when you're there that you don't think it's old.

@DNHandTNS

@ARantADay

Yes! I just think we should never make excuses for bad behavior. To make excuses and try to explain it away is to enable it. None of us can possibly presume to know what is going on in that man's head. It may be sinister, it may be lonely but either way he's making OP uncomfortable and that's not ok. Perhaps he would like letters through his door and is doing what he hopes to receive
, but this does not work with complete strangers (especially not the opposite sex) and is not appropriate.

I would have by now discussed this with other neighbours to find out what's going on with him, whether he has a mental disorder, if he does it to others. Perhaps he does need a referral to Social Services. Perhaps other neighbours think he's harmless? It could be reassuring to discuss it with other neighbours, but logging it with the police and keeping evidence is a good idea nevertheless.

Yeah, all good shouts.

I think women (generally) are prone to being more empathetic so we think about why the other person is doing what they're doing and we make excuses for them far too often but you're 100% right - there's only one issue here and that is that the OP feels very uncomfortable (and in her own home!). Why the neighbour is doing it isn't the issue it's how it's making her feel that is the only concern.

Plus I believe in a woman's instinct, if the OP is creeped out its probably her inner voice warning her!

Just close the shitters whenever you see him staring

This is the very best advice.

@Bluesheep8

Just close the shitters whenever you see him staring

This is the very best advice.

😂

@MrsMoastyToasty

Our local BBC news presenter Alex Lovell was stalked by a guy and that started with him sending her cards. Take it seriously.

I remember this well. 'Harmless' cards for several years that end with him threatening assault and rape.

I'm puzzled by all the interest in this man's age. A man has spent a year posted unwanted cards to a woman living alone, she has never responded, and has now taken to peering in at her. His age is irrelevant, his behaviour is unsettling and it's a shame some women are quick to diminish the distress of a woman but excuse the behaviour of the man who's causing it.

He might be lonely, he might be unwell or socially awkward. None of that is OPs problem, and she certainly shouldn't drop her guard and think 'oh bless' because he is older. He might pose no risk, but he could. It's not our job to mother everyone, and ignore our gut instincts to the detriment of our safety.

I think OP was right to local with her local police, and not engage with him. I'd be inclined to speak to neighbours and see if anyone knows more about him, and set up cctv or ring doorbell, just to help log the times he puts cards through or looks in.

Do you have a male friend who could be present/make himself seen, when he's lurking?

@Susan1961

Do you have a male friend who could be present/make himself seen, when he's lurking?

Or maybe the police could have a word with him so he realises his behaviour is unacceptable?

@Susan1961

Do you have a male friend who could be present/make himself seen, when he's lurking?

tbh, when it comes to the stage of the OP having to live behind closed curtains, in darkness, or obscured glass, ensuring she has a male friend inside her home, its really time to call the police anyway, isn't it?

@ARantaDay Yes I believe in alarm bells too. If you have alarm bells, listen to them. Sometimes it feels really paranoid and dumb when everything looks "fine" but it's best to be cautious.

I am a woman BUT I'm not an Enabler (anymore!) I've had my good nature taken advantage of one too many times and have now entered The Dark Side

I would still have spoken to my neighbours by now if I had a wierdo nutter in my street putting odd cards through and peering in the window. I would be asking them what they know and getting them to keep an eye out!!

Hi - thanks for your opinions. A few points

1. I only know a few of my neighbours, and had already spoken to them. No-one is getting cards or knows this person.
2. This older guy is NOT a neighbour. The address he gave me is a few streets away (5 minutes walk). He is in an apartment building and I don’t know his neighbours so I can’t ask if he is a nutter. I don’t know which shops he goes too as there are several food shops here so I can’t enquire about him at a local shop. I am in an area of London where we don’t all know each other, or recognise/remember people in the supermarkets and shops.
3. I cannot have a male friend at my place all the time. I have not spotted a certain day or time he stares in - I’ve only caught him doing it 3 times, during the day but at different times of the day.
4. I’ve lived at my place over 5 years. I’ve never had any issues with people looking in. Yes people glance in while walking past which is expected, but they don’t stop walking and intentionally stare in my window and try to make eye contact. This is the first person who has done this.
5. There was a commenter pointing out that I chose to work on the ground floor of a secluded street and should expect this. This isn’t a secluded street. It has a little bit of foot traffic. Maybe 2 or 3 people per hour, a little more during school pick-up or commuting to work times.
6. I had net curtains before but the light coming through and the greenery (my view) is muted. I think it would be the same for window film. I also don’t really like the film.
7. Ring doorbell wouldn’t work as he doesn’t ring my doorbell. Yes CCTV might be an option that I will consider.
8. I am petite and not English/white and in the past men have approached me as they think I am an easier target (subservient). I doubt he would do this to a male. I wouldn’t have an issue telling him to p*ss off in an anonymous pub that is not near my home. But this guy knows where I live and can keep coming back which is why I am trying to find the right way to deter him.
9. The cards started before the pandemic (first week of Jan 2020), so it’s not him spreading lockdown cheer. I do have all 15 cards and can show the community police if they ask.

10. I didn’t want to contact police (read my post- I was asking for advice on wording for my response in a letter). I’m glad commenters told me about the less urgent 101 phone line so I don’t waste valuable police resources/time. I only contacted the 101 line because the guy’s behaviour escalated recently, if it was just cards I wouldn’t waste the police’s time (which I hadn’t for over a year).

I’m also sorry I offended anyone by my use of the word ‘elderly’. I meant the group of people that are probably post retirement or pension age (like older than the people at work), but not so old that they are frail (slow walking etc). If this person was younger I probably would have done something after the first few months of cards, and if the person was frail I probably would not be as worried he was staring in.

Thanks again everyone. I’ll update once sorted :)

@LilOnline Thanks for the updates.

1)That's so wierd ( but good) that he doesn't live in your street. (If he gave you a true address, that is)

2. It's odd and does seem that he's specifically targetting you.
3. It's possible that he's done it other times and not been caught.
4. It's not normal. If you don't mind me asking, how near is your window to a public footpath? Did he have to walk over your garden to get to the window? It seems so odd.
5. It's not your fault.
6. Nets are nasty, I agree.
7. It's terrible to be targetted like that, I know it does happen as some men do stereotype or have fetishes.
8. Ring Doorbell takes a photo of people who come near your front door, I think. I haven't got one so I'm not 100%.
9. It's been going on a long time!
10. I hope you have made a report now on 101? I really think you need to report this and document everything.

Is there anyway you can put something in front of the window (in the front garden) to stop anyone getting close to it? Maybe a large spiky plant to attack him or an electric fence? I'm thinking that by blocking off access to the window from the outside, he wouldn't be able to get close anymore?

OP please be careful and keep your mobile handy. Please update us on what the police say. Really hope they are helpful!

This man is a stranger to you, you owe him nothing.
Sound a bit like he is stalking you and you shouldn't feel you have to respond to him in person.
I think you should call the non emergency police phone line - they can give you better advice than me. At least you will have logged the whole thing with them, best to be on the safe side.

The police might give you a panic button? Didn't someone mention contacting the Susy Lamplugh Trust ? Or did I see that elsewhere? www.suzylamplugh.org/

Here is the number for the National Stalking Helpline: 0808 802 0300

For anyone who thinks they might be being stalked, here is a tool so you can be sure amibeingstalked.suzylamplugh.org/

Also, for everything you have noticed, there will be things you haven't noticed. No one has eyes in the back of their head. Please get support if you are being stalked.

DNHandTNS glad you have posted an update.
Please don't feel you are wasting police time. Stalking is not the victim's fault.
You came on here looking for advice. There have been too many enabling replies.. i hope you trust your feelings that this isn't right.
The police and the SuzyLamplugh trust are your best way forward.
It isn't fair that you have had this unwelcome intrusion in your life. It happens far too much to women. Hope you can sort it properly and move on with your life. Don't let him spoil things.
We have a local creep near us 60s plus always collaring women and young girls. Lonely my arse he doesn't do it to men.
Sending love and strength. These things can get to you especially in these times of isolation.x.