Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

Oh cross posted. You’ve already reported it to the police for him sending you occasionally polite cards and lookin in as he walks by,

Post them all back with not known at this address scrawled across the envelope.

Agree with others. My sad is in his 60’s and he wouldn’t dream of doing that. I wouldn’t say 60’s was lonely old man territory either to be honest. Definitely report to police for harassment.

I think going to the police was over the top. No suggestion that he has threatened you. In the first instance, I would have written a polite note asking him to respect your privacy, and only gone to police if It continued

@makingmammaries - You can't have net curtains with plantation shutters - that would look dreadful.

You could add reflective film to the windows which will let light in (it does reduce it a bit) but the old chap will only see his reflection. This doesn't look great either but you can't see it from inside the room.

When you open the shutters do you just tilt the slats or fold the complete shutter back so the window is open? Just tilting the slats will make it more difficult to see in but will, again, reduce the light.

Put a dummy security camera in the window.

That's me done for suggestions

My neighbours have an indoor camera they use by their window to see who's at the door. You could maybe try that? I don't think they are massively expensive but maybe if he sees a camera at the window, he will stop leaving notes and looking into your home. Also if he doesn't, then you have video evidence of the behaviour.

Well done OP and ignore those who say to... um... ignore. He has already stepped up his behaviour by stopping and staring. You do not have to be nice. Women don’t have to be nice when a stranger doesn’t get the fucking message (no response to cards etc).

Trust your instincts. Diarise and report weekly. Daily if the behaviour changes again. Look at the Suzy Lamplugh Trust site.

@notanothertakeaway

I think going to the police was over the top. No suggestion that he has threatened you. In the first instance, I would have written a polite note asking him to respect your privacy, and only gone to police if It continued

The OP feels threatened. It’s enough. Her personal space has been and continues to be encroached.

Just close the shitters whenever you see him staring then open half an hour later

^makingmammaries

Get some net curtains.^

Why should she? Why should women adapt how they live because men don’t know how to behave. There is little footfall so it sounds like he is going out of his way to be persistent.

^Bluntness100

Christ the police will be delighted to get this sort of report.

Agree with others, he’s not elderly, try to address it yourself first.

Just a message through his door saying thanks for the cards, could I ask you to refrain from sending any more? Thanks.^

It doesn’t make a difference if they are pleased or not. His behaviour is not ok. She has done nothing to show she appreciates the behaviour and has not responded in anyway so he should have stopped, he doesn’t have the right to harass her.
She doesn’t know him so has no idea how he will react, why risk it? When my friend was being harassed the police told her off for responding as it antagonised him, they wanted to be the only ones to respond on her behalf.

I've worked a lot in forensics...

He may well be harmless.... And socially clumsy.

BUT you don't know this. I would absolutely NOT do anything direct.

I would definitely speak to 101. You have his name and address . He may have no police history or lots. But at least they'll be able to review it and let you know if there's anything to worry about, when it gets passed on to your local nick. This in unlikely to give any detail at all.

I'd also ask them, if they need to speak to him to NOT let him know you're living alone.

In the meantime, can you rig up either some sort of screen? Or when I had a downstairs room folk kept looking into I had a lamp trained outwards to the window... It was difficult from the outside to see properly in as they were dazzled

My Fil is late 60's and has dementia and this the exact thing he does. In the early days we asked the neighbours to call the the police because the only way we could get any engagement from social or medical care teams was with a police refferal.
If you posted them back or engaged with him about it he wouldn't remember or know anything about it and it would just be really distressing.

OP you have 100% down the right thing. I think it is absolutely mad that there are women out there who think you should take harassment lying down. Any contact from you at all will only make it worse, you want it to come from the police.

Anyone who has had any interactions with stalkers will say DON’T ENGAGE.

I'm sorry but I disagree with all the posters who suggest a polite not etc. Why do women feel they have to be polite to creeps? Next time he looks in your window tell him to fuck off in very unpolite terms.

I really, really would not engage or send any kind of letter it might encourage him and that sounds scary.

You’ve done the right thing. Ignore posters like Bluntness telling you not to bother the police. Fuck that. What a creep.

I see you’ve reported to police, good
Ignore all the batshit advice about polite replies,sending letters etc
NO engagement from you.none. You don’t need to appease or try understand why. That’s not necessary
This thread is example of how women are socially conditioned to be nice/polite/passive even when scared, or unsettled

It could be to do with cognitive impairment, or it could be the modus operandi of a serial offender
I think I might go with a gruff 'fuck off grandad'
prob better to not respond but keep a log
I'd have been weirded out by the postcards long before it got this stage, he has taken your lack of response as consent to escalate his attentions

OP have you actually raised this with neighbours? He might have dementia.. He might be harmless or not.. And quick conversation with neighbours could have clarified and perhaps set you mind at ease. Given you a way to deal with.

A neighbour used to regularly knock at door at former house for a chat. It was unnerving. Neighbours all knew her so I got family contact.. Turns out she had dementia and we lived in her former aunts house so she associated the house with somewhere to visit.

I'm hoping you get some feedback from the police and it is harmless.

Why should you get net curtains. They are grim and yes the one who shouldn’t be peeping in. Good on you for reporting him

YANBU, no one should be made uncomfortable int heir own home or anywhere else.

I often glance into people's living rooms that have curtains open when having my daily walk, but I wouldn't stop to look.

Is he peering in or is the pavement close to your windows? I can't imagine he could see much through plantation shutters from the pavement, even when open?

The notes on top are worrying, especially as he is not elderly.

I would have done the same thing as you by not engaging and reporting, the fact that you’ve not replied to him should have been a cue for him to stop the cards.
To those saying you should have spoken to him first, why should she have?! She shouldn’t have to confront him about a situation he’s created, especially as he knows where she lives, she’s made it clear in her lack of action so far that she’s not interested. If he does have some sort of cognitive impairment, then this will likely come to light now, and she wouldn’t have put herself in any potential danger.
I hope this stops for you OP.

Maybe he just likes your shutters, have you thought about putting a note through his door saying the company you got them from?

Why on Earth should OP write a note thanking this bloke for the cards? They’re inappropriate, he’s staring through the window and she just wants him to stop. He may or may not have dementia. Either way someone needs to stop him from doing this . My DBs and lots of my friend‘s husbands are late 60s - early 70s and none of them would even dream of doing this.