Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

@RapunzelHadExtensions

Oh *@Bluntness100* pipe down. Always trying to go against the grain just for the sake of it, it's boring now.

Well said!

I think there are some odd replies here. It doesn’t matter if he’s nice really, or if he as dementia. It’s unusual behaviour and engaging with him is unlikely to stop it - he must either realise that the contact is unwanted given the lack of response or if not, have a mental health issue. A friend was stalked by an elderly man with dementia and from her perspective it didn’t make it any easier because of his unfortunate mental state.

@makingmammaries

Get some net curtains.

Yeah....cos the OP is the one in the wrong here, not the bloke. rolls eyes

SHE HAS SHUTTERS.
Sorry for shouting but shutters are already in place and the OP mentioned that she has them and closes them at night and has them open in the day so she doesn't actually need net curtains.
Bloke needs to stop leaving cards for the OP and to stop looking in her windows!

@LilOnline - go to the police. If you still have them, bring the cards that he has left you up to now too.

So many appalling responses on this thread.

The OP doesn't owe the man any civility or personal response.
I suspect he has got to this age in life still thinking what he is doing is acceptable because his creepiness has been met by net curtains and stick-on film and new shutters and polite giggles and cringing smiles for decades.

It's not the fault of women and girls that we have been conditioned to believe that we have to be nice, and we need to stop being critical and second guessing women who are contemplating using the resources our taxes pay for to keep us safe. The police are there for everyone including us, not just some theoretical 'other people with worse situations'.

Well done for calling to log it.

Do you have any of the cards to show the police?

[quote littlepattilou]@LilOnline

Glad to see you have passed this to the police. This is hugely weird and inappropriate. In HIS head, what he's doing is romantic and lovely. In reality, it's as creepy as fuck. Puts me in mind of a man I know (mid 50s,) who sees himself as a bit of a ladies man; (funny, charming, and a wow with the 'laydeez...')

He tries to engage in conversation with every women he meets, even those as young as 18-20, and sees himself as a 'ladies man' because they (according to him) smile and giggle and respond to his chatting and engaging with them.

In reality, 9 out of 10 of these women are being sick into their mouth(s) (when this man tries to be their 'friend,' and tries to be 'funny,') and are looking for the quickest route away from him.

It's off-the-scale cringeworthy, and everyone who knows him is embarrassed for him, and feels sorry for his wife...

Also late 60s IS elderly!

Why are people saying it isn't?

There are so many people offended by this over this past few weeks. How bizarre.

I can only surmise that it's people who are in their 60s themselves, and are miffed at someone saying that age is elderly!

It is elderly. So what? What's wrong with being elderly?

There are so many posters on here who are really precious about this, honestly! It's sad really........ Some people are denied the privilege of aging![/quote]
My parents are 68 and 71. Fit and well and my mum works full time, dad is currently helping to fit a brand new kitchen. Elderly is not what springs to mind

That must be very unsettling.
A note: thank you, but your cards messages are not welcome.
Anything further, police.

“Also late 60s IS elderly!”

It isn’t, now. I’m not yet 60 but e trembly fit and could certainly power walk, probably run, many a 20 year old make into the ground.
Because someone is “elderly” doesn’t mean they don’t represent a danger.

@Bluntness100

Oh cross posted. You’ve already reported it to the police for him sending you occasionally polite cards and lookin in as he walks by,

Wow, you went out of your way to drop a face for someone understandably concerned at strange and creepy behaviour from a man she doesn’t know. I mean, don’t we all drop a selection of ‘polite’ cards through strangers’ letter boxes complimenting their window arrangements? The police are there to make people feel safe and reassure people in a community - that’s all OP wants.

I just got so riled up when I saw the post about suggesting that you get net curtains, I jumped in and replied to that without reading further.
Don't get any sort of frosting to be applied to your windows either.

I'm really pleased that you've reported it to the relevant authorities and hopefully it will be the beginning of the end of this harassment for you.

Male, not make.
So I imagine, without being sexist , that there are many nearly 60 year old powerful men out there. Not too much of a stretch that they might still be dangerous if they were so inclined a few years on.

Change your blinds straightaway and work in a different part of the property. Can you close your post box and use a box on the wall. That you only open when you want with a key?

@Keratinsmooth, yes @LilOnline change your life because some creepy fucker has no bounderies.

He will misinterpret any contact as interest in my experience. I'd report, it's creepy & could escalate to worse for all you know . Does he have a routine or usual time he appears ? That way you could tilt the shutters for that half hour? People who are elderly are often creatures of habit IME so it could be useful if you notice a time or pattern & log any appearances or letters. I'd also get a CCTV sticker & dummy globe camera for your window (£5 on Amazon).

I absolutely hate that women are so conditioned to be polite that we put up with this shit. Imagine him doing this to a man? He would get a well deserved FUCK OFF AND STOP IT shouted at him from the door way

Glad you have reported him OP.

You lost me at elderly at 60
Just wave to him or ask if you can help him.
He probably thinks someone else lives there.

Glad you've reported him OP, not like he's going to be whisked away to jail or anything so not sure why a few people are being dramatic. Your safety should always be your number one priority!

Op said late 60's not 60.

What a creep - age is no excuse

@Eckhart

It doesn't matter if he's elderly. It doesn't matter if he has dementia. We're not going to come to an agreement or diagnose him successfully on a thread.

He needs to stop what he's doing in relation to OP, or be stopped. The authorities need to look into this, so OP has done the right thing to speak to them.

I completely agree.

If it was me I'd assume he probably had learning difficulties/dimentia and would be making discreet enquiries with people who live near him (ie in local shop) to check on his mental capacities etc before I resorted to calling the police, but maybe that's just me.

Gosh, I feel for OP she just wanted advice, gets terrifying responses about needing the police, takes a moderate response of asking for non emergency advice and now gets critiqued for that. Can't do right for doing wrong.
OP he sounds a tad obsessed. I would try to open the door when he approaches and say firmly to stop.

*dementia

I've lost the point of me posting this? Oh, yeah, don't tell people to get fucking net curtains. I was not the problem. OP is not the problem. Creepy fuckers are the problem.

Absolutely.

For all the minimisers on this thread, just remember that many men feel entitled to the attention of women. This ranges all the way from expecting you to feel happy at the unwanted intrusion of cards and staring through the windows, as here, right up to and including rape.

I'm not being OTT. The whole range of this behaviour comes from one source. Men feel entitled to force themselves on women, the only thing that is different is how their behaviour manifests.

So, OP, good on you for reporting. If he is indeed suffering from dementia or other problem, maybe he'll get the appropriate help. But it's not on you to be that help, or "make nice".

Just wave to him or ask if you can help him.

Thank you for everyone commenting "60s is not elderly", as I missed the first 50 comments saying the same thing.

Are there a lot of elderly posters on mumsnet now who were born in an era, a long, long time ago, when women were expected to be "nice" to creepy men or something? Actually, I don't think there was ever such an era, at least not in living memory, but its something so old fashioned and outwith my personal experience that I have difficulty in computing it.

I must admit I've got quite a temper on me and if a man was harassing me and posting dumb cards through my door and staring, I'd tell him to fuck off. But in some detail, so he knew I'd phone the police on him if I caught him again. It is remarkably effective, telling men to fuck off, but make sure you do it in public. I told a man who stared and stared at me when I was at a hospital for an appointment recently to stop staring at me, in no uncertain terms.

Its creepy behaviour and harassment as the posting cards through your door so frequently takes it into the realms of stalking. The police will undoubtedly have a word with him and warn him he is likely to be charged with an offence if he continues. Its very rare that men bother me like this because the men who do bother women are good at picking the ones they don't think will do anything about it.

There are many, many men in jail for attacking women who have mh conditions. The majority do, in fact. Whether or not he is has such intentions, it needs to be stopped.

The OP is entitled to feel safe in his own home. This man will undoubtedly know that what he is doing is wrong, but he will be getting too much of a thrill out of it to stop. The staring through the windows indicates he is getting bolder.