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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Elderly male looking through my window.

369 replies

LilOnline · 07/02/2021 16:57

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

OP posts:
RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/02/2021 19:21

I've PM'd you OP

SpudsandGravy · 07/02/2021 19:22

[quote WhatKatyDidNxt]@SpudsandGravy the odd of dementia at that age, aren’t that high. The odds of him having poor boundaries, being a nuisance and / or a pervert are way higher!

www.dementiastatistics.org/statistics/prevalence-by-age-in-the-uk/ E.g. the odds of a 65-69 year older having dementia is 2 in 100 people[/quote]

Yes. And the odds of a person behaving in the way that the OP has described are far less than 2 in 100. Most of us don't behave that way, right? I certainly couldn't say that I'd expect 2/100 of the people I know to do that. So the odds of a person in his late 60s having dementia are higher than those of his behaving that way because he's simply a nutter/pervert/nasty.

BejeweledCrocs · 07/02/2021 19:22

Just to add to my previous post...I also hate how women are conditioned to be "nice" and not cause offence to people who negatively affect them. I remember some fucker sitting beside me on the bus stroking my leg, I was a teenager and didnt know what to do, just sat there worried sick about how to get out and whether he would follow me etc. Now that I'm older I would not hold back at all - but men like this absolutely bank on women not making a fuss. Disgusting.

littlepattilou · 07/02/2021 19:24

To the posters saying he is just being 'nice' and he is probably just a 'nice elderly gentleman' and are SO shocked that many posters are saying 'do not engage with him' and 'tell the police...' Answer me this..

If this man is just 'being friendly,' then why is he not directing his attention and 'friendliness' at a MAN?!

This place sometimes. Hmm

StartingGrid · 07/02/2021 19:25

Not read all replies but am glad you reported, and not sure if anyone else has mentioned but could you get some sort of privacy film to put on your windows?

Eckhart · 07/02/2021 19:26

It doesn't matter if he's elderly. It doesn't matter if he has dementia. We're not going to come to an agreement or diagnose him successfully on a thread.

He needs to stop what he's doing in relation to OP, or be stopped. The authorities need to look into this, so OP has done the right thing to speak to them.

TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 19:27

@SpudsandGravy I think you are massively underestimating the number of self entitled males who would indulge in this kind of behaviour towards a women they perceive as being alone.

littlepattilou · 07/02/2021 19:27

@BejeweledCrocs

Just to add to my previous post...I also hate how women are conditioned to be "nice" and not cause offence to people who negatively affect them. I remember some fucker sitting beside me on the bus stroking my leg, I was a teenager and didnt know what to do, just sat there worried sick about how to get out and whether he would follow me etc. Now that I'm older I would not hold back at all - but men like this absolutely bank on women not making a fuss. Disgusting.
This. ^ 100%.
strawberriesontheNeva · 07/02/2021 19:27

Don't approach him, just go to the police and let them deal with it. Sounds very intimidating.

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 07/02/2021 19:31

I think I would have done a bit of sleuthing of my own before calling the police. Talk to the neighbours you do know to find out if anyone else is getting these notes, as it would be helpful to know whether this attention is personal to you or not. Unless you live somewhere very unfriendly, I bet someone knows what the story is. It sounds exactly like dementia to me. He could probably benefit from some police intervention but not in the way most pp seem to think.

Primitivo1 · 07/02/2021 19:32

You might not be the only person he is doing this to, you really have no idea what is going on, it is very, very odd behaviour and very invasive. Please report him to the police so they can deal with the matter. If he is vulnerable, has dementia etc. he needs more support. Do not engage. Do not let this escalate.

FourDaysOfChicken · 07/02/2021 19:35

I’m glad you reported! Entering into some kind of communication with him via posting something through his door is probably something he would love. Definitely let the police handle it from now

Chanandlerbong01 · 07/02/2021 19:37

I think you are massively underestimating the number of self entitled males who would indulge in this kind of behaviour towards a women they perceive as being alone.

I had a customer at my work when I was about 17 that used to hang around in the shopping centre for ages on a Sunday. As soon as my colleague went for lunch or to another shop he used to come in and tell me how beautiful I was and bring me little gifts, I hated it and used to nervously giggle every week. I eventually told my colleague, when I saw the guy my colleague left the shop but waited around the corner and confronted him as soon as he came to me. The guy left the shop and I thought it was over.

When I left work at the end of my shift the man followed me home commenting on my jealous colleague. He genuinely thought his behaviour was acceptable. I did nothing to lead him on. My nervous laughing was enough for him to think I was interested. It was my last couple of weeks before leaving for uni so I managed to swap my shifts with someone else to avoid seeing him again.

It could well be that this man has dementia, but he might not and that’s not for OP to be the one to find out. We should not have to change our lives because of other people.

Cocolapew · 07/02/2021 19:37

Crerpy young men grow up to be creepy old men.
There's one who is in my local shopping center the minute it opens, always calling out to the women workers and trying to hug them. He tried it on with me once (I don't work there) and got short shift. He was so abusive at me knocking him back he got thrown out.

TwinkleStar88 · 07/02/2021 19:45

That’s very odd behaviour, although I’m wondering, could he have dementia? My Nan had dementia when she lived alone (although she was in her late 70’s) and she would post random things through a neighbours door and often turn up looking through their window, she had no awareness of what she was doing, she had to go into a residential care home shortly after, as she was unable to be left unsupervised.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/02/2021 19:50

It doesnt matter if he has dementia and or is not neuro typical. Hes behaving inappropriately, OP is scared. Therefore, you need help OP and the police are the way to do it. It's simply not true as a Pp said that the police can act more swiftly if you've already spoken to him.

crochetmonkey74 · 07/02/2021 19:52

These threads never fail to amaze me that women can never get the benefit of the doubt yet men, regardless of their behaviour always are given it

TwinkleStar88 · 07/02/2021 19:54

@crochetmonkey74 - I’m not advising the OP not to seek help, or report him, I’m just stating it could well be that, as my Nan did the same thing and had dementia.

MrsClatterbuck · 07/02/2021 19:56

@crochetmonkey74

It doesnt matter if he has dementia and or is not neuro typical. Hes behaving inappropriately, OP is scared. Therefore, you need help OP and the police are the way to do it. It's simply not true as a Pp said that the police can act more swiftly if you've already spoken to him.
THIS
Jocasta2018 · 07/02/2021 20:00

Re: dementia....
I've been sexually assaulted by a male resident in a care home. The dementia took away all his inhibitions & he was a lot stronger than he looked. I'm always cautious around the male residents now!
You did the right thing in calling the police - if he's a creep then it will scare him off & if it's dementia then it might get him help & care.

SocialistSloth · 07/02/2021 20:00

Get some net curtains

A few years ago, someone, it was dark, was coming into my back garden, staring in through the hall window and wanking. If I went into the hall, he'd pull his head back from looking in, so he wasn't looking at me when he was wanking but he wanted me to know he was there. I'd previously had someone else put a note through my letterbox asking if I fancied having sex with him, with his number. (stupidly I threw the note away).

Anyway! I called 101, eventually got a visit from the Police and one of the officers told me to get net curtains for this small window. Frankly, I wanted to slap her. I hate nets but I have them at the front windows of my home because I have to - can't afford blinds - and I didn't want them on windows that should be private.

They did very little, although I'm sure they'll do more in your instance, OP, because it's been going on for a while and also they have his address. The boy/man doing it stopped after one night I lost my shit and went into the hall with a hammer - that I'd been keeping under my pillow because I was scared - and told him I was coming out to fucking hammer him. He fled and never came back.

I've lost the point of me posting this? Oh, yeah, don't tell people to get fucking net curtains. I was not the problem. OP is not the problem. Creepy fuckers are the problem.

CodenameVillanelle · 07/02/2021 20:02

@Bluntness100

Oh cross posted. You’ve already reported it to the police for him sending you occasionally polite cards and lookin in as he walks by,

Hmm

Stop minimising, it's harassment and intimidation.
intheenddoesitreallymatter · 07/02/2021 20:02

@Bluntness100

Oh cross posted. You’ve already reported it to the police for him sending you occasionally polite cards and lookin in as he walks by,

Hmm

Which part of this do you find normal?!

It’s fucking weird and she’s concerned for her safety that a strange man in fixating on her home. Of course this is a police matter!

Piffle11 · 07/02/2021 20:04

There are many ‘what ifs’in this particular situation: what if he is lonely, what if he has dementia, what if he is just a sweet person, what if, what if, what if… But the issue is, he is making you feel uncomfortable. You don’t know this man. His age really has nothing to do with it. Years ago, DH had a fall out with MIL’s (2nd) DH. He came to our door… I answered it, and he knocked me out of the way to get into the house. 70 years old, and he knocked me out of the way as if I wasn’t even there. And I am not small – 5 ft 7 and 10 stone. He actually hurt me. I was really surprised, as he is overweight and clearly unhealthy, but he was still stronger than me. Look after yourself: Do not put yourself into a compromising position simply to be polite and ‘not hurt somebody’s feelings’. This is how people get abused – because women are taught to be polite and nice.

RapunzelHadExtensions · 07/02/2021 20:05

Oh @Bluntness100 pipe down. Always trying to go against the grain just for the sake of it, it's boring now.