Elderly male looking through my window.

[LilOnline]

My building is on ta quiet pavement with very little foot traffic, with the living room windows overlooking the pavement (and a nice park across the quiet road). I am on the ground floor and have plantation shutters in the living room. I have the shutter louvers open during the day as its the only source of light for the room. I am a single female and I live alone. This is my main living area and I am in that room the majority of time as I'm working from home.

There is an elderly man (perhaps late 60s) who has been slipping greeting cards through the mail slot on my front door for the last year, at least once a month. The cards are usually blank, though he has left a message and signed his first name with his address and phone number (his address is about 5 minutes walk away). Messages are fairly impersonal - how he likes my shutters and to have a nice day. I know who he is as I’ve seen him out the window walking away from my house after the card was dropped through the mail slot a few times. I generally ignore this. My problem is that he is now looking into my house from the pavement when he is walking by. Although he is elderly and probably harmless or lonely, I am very uncomfortable with this. I value my privacy and although I know a few neighbours, I mostly keep to myself. I do not want to make new local friends in this way.

Am I being unreasonable if I drop a letter through his post (given he gave me his address) ? Could you suggest wording for the message. I was thinking something like this:
“Could you stop sending me cards and looking through my window. I am uncomfortable with this. I’ll raise this with the police if this continues.”
My concern is he may knock on my door to apologise. How do I nicely put in my message that I don’t want to be friends.

I think it’s lovely he’s been dropping little notes off. Maybe he is incredibly lonely, lost loved ones etc

I’ve never read such a load of tripe in my life! If he’s so lonely- WHY isn’t he delivering cards to all his neighbours - men included eh? But he’s not doing that is he?- he’s specifically walking 5 mins away to ONLY deliver cards to the female OP who lives alone. Funny way to behave if your only motive is relieving loneliness- why can’t he make some friends of his own age who are also male? Do you “make friends” by staring into strangers living rooms?- do you honestly think this is a normal or healthy way to “make friends”?

He’s a pervert who apparently is escalating according to the OP and is making her feel unsafe and watched in her own home. She needs to inform the police.

You’ve done the right thing, and more than likely police will be able to sort him out.

I think some posters don’t really understand what living in London is like, there’s a lot of living on top of others and the idea of perfect privacy is laughable unless you’re either rich or happy to live in a batcave. Pervy twats like this man harm your ability to just live and enjoy a bit of the natural light you’re paying for!

Ring doorbells are motion activated so he wouldn't need to ring the bell.

You did the right thing. I have a study opening on to a v busy pavement. occ a passerby will glance in and quickly glance away. If they sent me 15 cards( !) I would be calling the police. Really don't understand posters harping on about loneliness

I am 70 and dont consider myself to be elderly. If a 68 year old man was doing this I would consider him to be a danger to this young woman. Do not engage with him. If it persists call 101.

Regarding the lonliness posts. Lonely people are not perverts or strange like this man is being.

Hi, this is harassment so please report this to the Police. And don't respond to him - that's what he wants! Sounds like a total creep! The Police have to act on this. Victims of harassment are very often too scared to do anything as they hope it will stop . Unfortunately sometimes it needs further intervention to make someone think twice about their behaviour. Good lucj

@Russellbrandshair

Great Post, well said! 👍

How unsettling.

A ring doorbell can be set to record people who come within a certain distance of your front door. They don’t just record when someone rings the bell.

Age is immaterial here.This is unacceptable behaviour; it is making you uncomfortable in your own home. As others have said@ Do not engage with this man. Go straight to the police, and should it happen again, they will have his behaviour on record.

I would definitely contact the non emergency Police number. They need to speak to him .15 cards is obsessive & from experience,stalking often escalates . Do you have a front garden,however tiny? If so a large climbing rose with that domed iron frame to support it ( can't think what theyre called )is what I did. Climbing roses grow like the clappers & are very good at blocking most of the view. That plus a window box is great for privacy but still let's light in.

i know someone who has just had a ring doorbell fitted.
it has a sensor, and takes pictures when there is any movement, it also chimes, so you can check who is moving about outside your door.
that's the whole point of it. to deter lurkers.
it doesn't just operate when they ring the bell.
i haven't described it very well. but can recommend, esp for a woman alone.
dear Op, i think you have been too tolerant for too long. this is stalking.

You have done the right thing reporting it OP, I can't believe how many people are encouraging you to write notes or change your behaviour. Don't engage at all. For your own piece of mind and as security I would considered a ring doorbell as movement will trigger it. You should not have to put up with this harassment.

@alexdgr8 please can I ask which one you have?

Sorry not RTFT but if this does turn out to be a stalking situation OP, or even just for advice right now, you might the following link helpful.

paladinservice.co.uk/

I would contact the police immediately and not in a tentative “non emergency” way but forcefully and properly. This is totally unacceptable and may escalate. The time for “be kind” and not wanting to trouble the police is past. In the 6th form so years ago my best friend was stalked like this and the police took it very seriously even then.

I have one way mirrored film on my windows. It doesn’t affect the light or view from inside and I don’t notice it. But people can’t see in (during daylight). Bought it on a roll from Amazon.

My initial reaction was maybe he's just trying to be friendly and then I stopped and thought woah the patriarchy got to me more than I realised. Honestly. This is why I smile at people even when they're making me feel uncomfortable, especially men. This is why as a uni student I would talk to male strangers on buses who would persistently try to engage with me even though I was obviously uncomfortable because I didn't want to appear impolite by telling them I didn't want to. Because I've clearly been indoctrinated by society to smile and be grateful when someone thinks I'm pretty and not to offend them when they're just trying to be nice. Actually no. I have the right to say if I feel uncomfortable that I don't want to do something. And I have the right to ignore even if that appears rude when a person is acting inappropriately towards me.

You are absolutely right to report. 60s is not elderly at all. My father is in that bracket. Taking a step back and thinking about it logically, if he did this would I think it normal friendly behaviour? No I wouldnt.

I've just stumbles upon this thread now and am appalled by many of the answers. I thought in 2021 we were all on the same page that men had to be held accountable for their shit behaviour towards women rather than women adjusting their lives to suit. In this circumstance OP is expected by other women to adjust her property decor detrimentally or work on a less ideal room rather than call this man out on his creepy behaviour!

OP a ring doorbell doesn't need to be rung. I don't know if it's model dependant but some film anyone who approaches. They chime loudly so you can look on your screen plus the approached will here the chime and know they've been spotted and you can even see who is approaching via your phone whilst you are out so you'll know if he's hanging around more frequently than you realise

Calling 101 rather than confronting yourself was absolutely the right thing to do. As pp's have said often any attention is an invitation to continue/escalate even if it's negative and he is already escalating his behaviour when not getting a response. This is worrying.

If this is an unwell man with unsupported dementia then the police can put in a report to adult social care and maybe set the ball rolling but in his 60's the likely hood of him being a persistent creep is probably the more likely scenario and hopefully a visit from the police will stop him in his tracks- if not at least it's now on record. He could have form for this so it can be taken even more seriously. Have you had any update from them yet OP?