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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend neglecting me in lockdown, old flame as reappeared...

187 replies

lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 12:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship has been up and down at times, mostly due to lockdown and the additional stresses over the past year.

Since the most recent lockdown, I feel like he is putting no effort in. Since lockdown began, we have done 1 FaceTime and 1 virtual movie night (which he fell asleep half way through). He doesn't text me throughout the day, there is no more 'good morning' or 'goodnight' messages. I expressed how I felt, on many occasions, and how much I'd love to be doing more facetimes/movie nights/phonecalls... he said that it 'frustrates him' and he doesn't want to have an online relationship.

The thing is, he will happily watch football virtually with his mates, play Xbox with them all night, chat away all day on their WhatsApp group chat. They also do virtual game nights where they play cards etc.

I've suggested we could do the same, I have a console so we could start an online game together, but he has no interest in playing with me. I know everyone is struggling in lockdown, but it is really starting to get me down. I live on my own, I have no adult company and he knows this.

A few days ago, an old flame from years ago added me on social media and we got talking. We've started to talk throughout the day, he wishes me good morning and good night, we've started to watch a virtual series together, talk about books, how our days have been, catching up on the last couple of years. Last night he told me how much he has enjoyed talking to me, and how I've made his lockdown a lot more interesting.

I know that talking to the old flame is wrong, it is a betrayal to be doing it behind my boyfriends back. I am going to bring up the conversation again later, and I am going to tell my boyfriend later today that I have been speaking to this other man. It's just made me feel good to have someone who is actually interested in talking and doing things with me in such a shit time...

I just don't know how to feel about any of this. I don't know if anyone else is experiencing this with their boyfriend / partner in lockdown? A total lack of attentiveness/attention?

OP posts:
Dogsarehairy · 07/02/2021 12:20

You are having an emotional affair and blaming your boyfriend and you want us to tell you that it is ok?

Is that the summary?

RedHelenB · 07/02/2021 12:21

Ditch the boyfriend.

growinggreyer · 07/02/2021 12:22

Think clearly before you send any messages. What would it be like if he dumped you and told everybody you were a cheat? How would that impact your life? On the other hand, you could be the one to end the relationship cleanly and then see what happens with this other guy.

Cpl654321 · 07/02/2021 12:25

Current boyfriend sounds like he's not into you/the relationship anymore.

But don't think the ex bf is the solution to your problems. He's prob just bored and up for some sexting.

AluckyEllie · 07/02/2021 12:26

You need to ditch the boyfriend as above. He doesn’t want an online relationship? So is he only in it for the physical? He isn’t making any effort even when you tell him you are lonely and would love some interaction. He’s not going to be someone you can rely on and have a partnership with. However, you still should break up with him soon if things with your online friend get more intense. It’s not fair on either man really (even though the first sounds a bit of a knob!)

gamerchick · 07/02/2021 12:28

If you live alone then why havent you bubbled with you bloke?

You can't blame your relationship on what you're doing. But you can rectify that by ending it as it's obviously not working.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 07/02/2021 12:29

Regardless of the old flame, you sound like you need to ditch the bf. He's not doing anything for you, you sound unhappy with the relationship, there doesn't sound like there's a reason to continue. The old flame seems to have highlighted for you what you actually want from a relationship.

LuaDipa · 07/02/2021 12:34

I would ditch the boyfriend as he is making no effort whatsoever and it is clear that he isn’t interested. You shouldn’t have to beg for scraps of attention, you can do much better.

But I wouldn’t throw all hopes of future romance on old flame either. He is saying that you are making lockdown more interesting, but he isn’t saying that he would like to make a go if things in the real world.

TingTastic · 07/02/2021 12:35

How come you’re not in a support bubble with your BF?

Definitely sounds like you need to let the relationship go rather than try and make him jealous.

PamwichShilling · 07/02/2021 12:36

If you're alone you can form a bubble with your boyfriend, why haven't you done so?
It doesn't sound like either of you really want to be in the relationship anymore so end it.

Original poster
lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 12:38

I'm in a support bubble with my parents, so I cannot also be in a support bubble with my BF.

I wasn't trying to make him jealous... I had zero thoughts about talking to anyone else until this old flame popped up. I'm not sure I'd even be interested in a relationship with the old flame, but it has made me realise what I am missing in my current relationship.

Begging for scraps of attention, that's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:
TingTastic · 07/02/2021 12:43

To be honest, the fact that you chose to bubble with your parents over your partner of 2 years speaks volumes about your relationship...

Original poster
lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 12:44

My parents are elderly and disabled, I supported them daily before the lockdown.

OP posts:
Norwayreally · 07/02/2021 12:47

Your boyfriend has lost interest in you and you’re evidently starting to feel the same way hence why you’re giving the other chap attention. End things with your boyfriend.

mummyof2lou · 07/02/2021 12:54

Hi OP, I don't think you need to do anything. If your boyfriend is making no effort, then do nothing and you'll have your answer. If he continues to put no effort in then that as much as ends things. Even if unsaid. Distance puts such a gap in a relationship, maybe he's waiting to see if it returns in the real world, but you don't have to wait for him.

I can totally sympathise. I think you know what advice you would give a friend in the same situation. It's always so hard to take our own advice though. A relationship where you beg for scraps of attention will erode your self esteem, and be a very low benchmark for future relationships

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/02/2021 12:55

OK so the ex flame has shown you just how unhappy you are in your current relationship.

Do the decent thing and end your relationship.

Then take some time.to work out what you want, don't rush into anything.

ChristOnAPeloton · 07/02/2021 12:59

Your relationship has run its course, I’m afraid. I wouldn’t bother telling the BF about the ex-flame either. It seems a bit spiteful to me, and I would assume you were trying to make him jealous.

Just end things like a an adult.

pumpkinbump · 07/02/2021 13:10

This sounds awful. The trouble is, with him acting like this now it may be likely he stays this way toward you when lockdown is lifted. He sounds very unreasonable and doesn't seem to care that his lack of effort is bothering you.

Original poster
lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 13:14

I've told him how I feel and this is the reply I got...

'Facetime frustrates me as I’d rather be with you and I have nothing to talk about as life is dull as hell. You find some things to watch and I’ll do my best to stay awake watching them, but you know what I’m like. There’s not much more I can say other than that.'

OP posts:
Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 07/02/2021 13:15

As pp have said, even taking the old flame out of the situation , your relationship sounds a bit dead in the water and l would advise to end it

FelicityPike · 07/02/2021 13:16

Tell him it’s over.
Because it clearly is.

yearinyearout · 07/02/2021 13:17

Tbh your boyfriend sounds like he's lost interest, maybe it's time to call it a day?

BadLad · 07/02/2021 13:19

@lockdownlassie1

I've told him how I feel and this is the reply I got...

'Facetime frustrates me as I’d rather be with you and I have nothing to talk about as life is dull as hell. You find some things to watch and I’ll do my best to stay awake watching them, but you know what I’m like. There’s not much more I can say other than that.'

Yep. He couln't give any less of a fuck.

May as well bin him and see how it goes with old flame.

Life's shit enough these days without dead wood hindering you. If you get the chance for something more fun, grab it.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 07/02/2021 13:22

So, hell live his life and use bits of yours as a sleeping aid!

Nope!

5128gap · 07/02/2021 13:25

@lockdownlassie1

I've told him how I feel and this is the reply I got...

'Facetime frustrates me as I’d rather be with you and I have nothing to talk about as life is dull as hell. You find some things to watch and I’ll do my best to stay awake watching them, but you know what I’m like. There’s not much more I can say other than that.'

To be fair to him, a lot of people feel like this after months of lockdown and virtual contact. It may be less about feelings for you and more a general lack of enthusiasm for the limited life we are living. It's not really fair to compare him with the other one, for whom you are a novelty back in his life after an absence, as he is for you. I think big relationship decisions shouldn't really be made in the context of lockdown as it's not reflective of real life.
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