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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend neglecting me in lockdown, old flame as reappeared...

187 replies

lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 12:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship has been up and down at times, mostly due to lockdown and the additional stresses over the past year.

Since the most recent lockdown, I feel like he is putting no effort in. Since lockdown began, we have done 1 FaceTime and 1 virtual movie night (which he fell asleep half way through). He doesn't text me throughout the day, there is no more 'good morning' or 'goodnight' messages. I expressed how I felt, on many occasions, and how much I'd love to be doing more facetimes/movie nights/phonecalls... he said that it 'frustrates him' and he doesn't want to have an online relationship.

The thing is, he will happily watch football virtually with his mates, play Xbox with them all night, chat away all day on their WhatsApp group chat. They also do virtual game nights where they play cards etc.

I've suggested we could do the same, I have a console so we could start an online game together, but he has no interest in playing with me. I know everyone is struggling in lockdown, but it is really starting to get me down. I live on my own, I have no adult company and he knows this.

A few days ago, an old flame from years ago added me on social media and we got talking. We've started to talk throughout the day, he wishes me good morning and good night, we've started to watch a virtual series together, talk about books, how our days have been, catching up on the last couple of years. Last night he told me how much he has enjoyed talking to me, and how I've made his lockdown a lot more interesting.

I know that talking to the old flame is wrong, it is a betrayal to be doing it behind my boyfriends back. I am going to bring up the conversation again later, and I am going to tell my boyfriend later today that I have been speaking to this other man. It's just made me feel good to have someone who is actually interested in talking and doing things with me in such a shit time...

I just don't know how to feel about any of this. I don't know if anyone else is experiencing this with their boyfriend / partner in lockdown? A total lack of attentiveness/attention?

OP posts:
JingsMahBucket · 07/02/2021 14:27

Honestly @lockdownlassie1 just cut the bastard loose. He’s an anchor around your waist and making you sink deeper into low self esteem. I also wouldn’t be surprised if he’s started seeing someone locally as well or at least hasn’t considered it.

MzHz · 07/02/2021 14:29

@RedHelenB

Ditch the boyfriend.
This.
Crunchymum · 07/02/2021 14:30

How long since you've seen each other in person?

YoniAndGuy · 07/02/2021 14:31

I think he just isn't happy we can't have sex

Yep.

Which is understandable.

Not wanting to bother to engage with you at all because if it doesn't include sex too, then there's literally no point? Not ok or understandable at all, but unfortunately common.

MadinMarch · 07/02/2021 14:34

Ditch the boyfriend.

Brunt0n · 07/02/2021 14:34

I think you’re just bored hence why the other guy is entertainment

However I can’t comprehend why after 2 years you wouldn’t have moved in together at least for lockdown, since you live alone? So i’m guessing the relationship isn’t serious

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/02/2021 14:35

I’d be honest with him.

‘I hear what you’re saying, and I want to let you know that the lack of attention and connection is making me feel like the relationship is not working. It’s making me feel sad every day, as if you have no real interest in me. Just letting you know how this is affecting me and where it may lead us.’

And keep texting old flame if it’s making you smile.

pumpkinbump · 07/02/2021 14:39

@YoniAndGuy

The problem here is that you've got a boyfriend who either:

a. doesn't give much of a shit about you any more, or

b. is one of those men who doesn't see his girlfriend as a friend. Those kind of men are utterly beta - so it's a case of get rid either way.

There are TONS of men like that. Brought up essentially to see women as another species. You have 'relationships' with them that involve sex and romance and being looked after/doing the looking after... but you're not friends. You don't enjoy talking, playing, BEING with them. That's what other men friends are for. Usually this becomes apparent 15 years down the line when you realise that the time you spend with them doesn't involve conversation or laughs or enthusiasm, but simply being in the same room while he watches telly (and whatsapps The Lads enthusiastically instead).

Lockdown has just given you a heads up.

The other man - firstly, if you want to carry on talking to him a. finish with your bf or b. tell him that you've renewed a friendship with X as you're so lonely, it's all above board and you're quite happy to add him to your chats/involve him in your Zooms etc. Be totally upfront.

Because there is nothing wrong with getting a new friend. Of course,. it's unlikely that that's exactly what it is given the context. But lockdown has thrown all the rules out of the window. Beware of the ex, you finished for a reason, and it's also possible that he's just your bf all over again but at the start of the relationship, where he pretended he was interested in you as a person, and was your friend, because that's what Men Who Can't Be Friends With Women do to kick-start a relationship.

Fab advice!
Snowdrop30 · 07/02/2021 14:41

I have friends who live alone and check in on them weekly, think of fun things to do this together, and go for walks in the dark/cold/sleet so I know they have had some company. They aren't my partner. I would be feeling very hurt the way you have been treated. That's not love, is it? It's not even basic construction. Bin him!

Snowdrop30 · 07/02/2021 14:42

consideration not construction

HelloThereMeHearties · 07/02/2021 14:43

I don't think you have a boyfriend, OP. He's just not that into you.

NovemberR · 07/02/2021 14:44

I'd get rid of your bf. That was a pathetic message from him. I'd be texting back to tell him that he clearly could not make any effort to keep our relationship going, and with that in mind I wished him all the best for the future but it was over as far as I was concerned.

I'd then enjoy the contact with the ex as a friend - and not take matters any further at all during lockdown.

SummerBlondey · 07/02/2021 14:46

I'd do a little experiment, I think. Don't contact the BF and see how long it takes for him to contact you. If and when he sends a text, I'd ignore it and see if that makes him sit up and take notice.

Meanwhile I'd crack on with the old flame - he's paying you attention and it sounds like fun.

This made me think of the lyrics from "I want you back" by Michael Jackson :

"When I had you to myself, I didn't want you around
Those pretty faces always make you stand out in a crowd
But someone picked you from the bunch, one glance is all it took
Now it's much too late for me to take a second look"

MonsterMunchPaws · 07/02/2021 14:46

Sounds like you’re done with the boyfriend. He doesn’t seem to be stepping up or even bothering himself really and old / new guy is providing more of what you need just now.

SummerBlondey · 07/02/2021 14:48

And also, FYI, your BF is allowed to visit you in your home. So why isn't he?

coldspell · 07/02/2021 14:55

From someone with experience this bf isn't interested at all hard to hear but I think you already know it , finish it with dignity and enjoy your new flame well old flame haha

Sn0tnose · 07/02/2021 15:20

FaceTime frustrates me as I’d rather be with you and I have nothing to talk about as life is dull as hell. You find some things to watch and I’ll do my best to stay awake watching them, but you know what I’m like. There’s not much more I can say other than that.' It’s all about him, isn’t it? How he feels and what he can or can’t be bothered to do.

Honestly, I think you talking to your ex is a pretty shitty thing to do. You’re playing with fire. I understand why you’re feeling neglected but what you’re doing isn’t right. I think you should tell your boyfriend that you are done begging him for scraps of his attention. If he doesn’t immediately pull his finger out then you’ve got your answer and the relationship is clearly dead in the water. You’re then free to carry on as you like with your ex.

Having said that, remember that he’s an ex for a reason.

FavPh0t0 · 07/02/2021 15:30

Your boyfriend is not that into you

No jokes
No sweet messages
No effort

End the relationship today

hammeringinmyhead · 07/02/2021 15:41

@SummerBlondey

And also, FYI, your BF is allowed to visit you in your home. So why isn't he?
What do you mean by this? OP already has a "bubble".

The advice re: this man not seeing you as a friend is spot on. You're in the date/have sex with box in his head, not the let's watch and dissect all 126 seasons of The West Wing box. My husband is both.

mummyof2lou · 07/02/2021 15:42

What I don't understand is why men like this don't end it themselves? If he's not interested why not just end it. It's cruel of him to drag it out, let it fizzle and give the odd mixed message in the mix

OhCaptain · 07/02/2021 15:46

You have a lot to talk to the new bloke about because he’s just popped back into your life.

Don’t mistake that for a better connection.

SpiceRat · 07/02/2021 15:47

I'd do a little experiment, I think. Don't contact the BF and see how long it takes for him to contact you. If and when he sends a text, I'd ignore it and see if that makes him sit up and take notice.
Christ, don’t do this unless you’re both 13 and think messing with each other’s emotions is the height of maturity Hmm

Your relationship is clearly not fulfilling you, you’ve tried organising everything you can to connect in some way and he’s not interested. This tells you all you need to know about how he sees you. If he loved you and really missed you he would be jumping at a chance to go for a walk or FaceTime.

The ex is a red herring. You know it’s crossing a boundary. Put that to one side for now, figure out what you’re going to do but it’s clear you’re not happy.

Wickstead · 07/02/2021 15:47

I’d do a little experiment, I think. Don't contact the BF and see how long it takes for him to contact you. If and when he sends a text, I'd ignore it and see if that makes him sit up and take notice

This.

Not the play games with your BF, but because you have no relationship but don’t seem to be able to see it.

I bet he doesn’t bother texting you for some time. When he does, I bet he isn’t particularly bothered if you don’t reply.

Try it. Learn from it. Bin him.

greeneyedlulu · 07/02/2021 15:48

Your current boyfriend is not in to you, stop wasting your time and effort, put your big girl pants on and break up with him. Also, your ex is surely an ex for a reason, go careful there because having a chat about the good old days doesn't mean there's a future there.

MissMarpleDarling · 07/02/2021 15:52

End it with the bf and enjoy new guy.