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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend neglecting me in lockdown, old flame as reappeared...

187 replies

lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 12:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship has been up and down at times, mostly due to lockdown and the additional stresses over the past year.

Since the most recent lockdown, I feel like he is putting no effort in. Since lockdown began, we have done 1 FaceTime and 1 virtual movie night (which he fell asleep half way through). He doesn't text me throughout the day, there is no more 'good morning' or 'goodnight' messages. I expressed how I felt, on many occasions, and how much I'd love to be doing more facetimes/movie nights/phonecalls... he said that it 'frustrates him' and he doesn't want to have an online relationship.

The thing is, he will happily watch football virtually with his mates, play Xbox with them all night, chat away all day on their WhatsApp group chat. They also do virtual game nights where they play cards etc.

I've suggested we could do the same, I have a console so we could start an online game together, but he has no interest in playing with me. I know everyone is struggling in lockdown, but it is really starting to get me down. I live on my own, I have no adult company and he knows this.

A few days ago, an old flame from years ago added me on social media and we got talking. We've started to talk throughout the day, he wishes me good morning and good night, we've started to watch a virtual series together, talk about books, how our days have been, catching up on the last couple of years. Last night he told me how much he has enjoyed talking to me, and how I've made his lockdown a lot more interesting.

I know that talking to the old flame is wrong, it is a betrayal to be doing it behind my boyfriends back. I am going to bring up the conversation again later, and I am going to tell my boyfriend later today that I have been speaking to this other man. It's just made me feel good to have someone who is actually interested in talking and doing things with me in such a shit time...

I just don't know how to feel about any of this. I don't know if anyone else is experiencing this with their boyfriend / partner in lockdown? A total lack of attentiveness/attention?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 07/02/2021 13:25

Dump the boyfriend. Say this isn’t a relationship, others are making these lockdown relationships work because they’re putting effort in - you’re not. I guess it’s shown me where your priorities lie, and I am calling it a day. No need to mention old flame, I don’t think you owe a guy that who can’t be bothered interacting with you at all.
But don’t hope for too much from old flame.

Is bf punishing you for bubbling with your parents do you think? He thinks you could be actually hanging out with him but chose not to so bugger that? Or he’s just crap.

Aprilx · 07/02/2021 13:27

Your relationship is over, one of you just needs to say it.

Telling your boyfriend that you have been talking to another man seems a bit pathetic, don’t do it.

BrownFootStool · 07/02/2021 13:49

Ditch the boyfriend. If he won't show you appreciation, clearly there are others who will.

Taylrse · 07/02/2021 13:54

I think regardless of this old flame you're speaking to, your current relationship sounds like it's coming to the end of the road.

You want more time, attention and effort put in to the relationship and your boyfriend doesn't sound willing to give you that.

Catflapkitkat · 07/02/2021 13:55

Another one for saying the relationship has run its course. Don't end for the old flame - end it because it's the right thing to do.

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 07/02/2021 13:57

I chose yabu as your bf has lost interest and you're looking for a reasons to end the relationship. But you can end a relationship for any reason. End this one.

Worried830410 · 07/02/2021 14:01

Its weird that an old flame just randomly popped up after 2 years, don't you think?
If you haven't spoken in 2 years, how did he just decide to search for you and 're- connect?' Sounds like he was bored, as much as you are bored and decide to try his luck.

TinyCake · 07/02/2021 14:02

Be kind to your boyfriend and end it now. Irrespective of the old flame it doesn't sound like you are that into him.

AStudyinPink · 07/02/2021 14:03

Facetime frustrates me as I’d rather be with you and I have nothing to talk about as life is dull as hell. You find some things to watch and I’ll do my best to stay awake watching them, but you know what I’m like. There’s not much more I can say other than that.'

Reply:

“Then there’s not much more to say. Bye.”

Merryoldgoat · 07/02/2021 14:05

Why are you hanging in to this man who clearly isn’t interested?

Just end it and think about why you’re so willing to put up with the neglect.

Original poster
lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 14:07

The old flame said I came up as a 'suggested friend'. He probably is bored, I know I bloody am. I'd not thought about him for years until he popped up again. I don't think there'd be a relationship after lockdown.

It's more the comparison of a random bloke, who may well just be trying his luck and wants it to end in sexting, versus someone who supposedly loves me and wants a relationship after all of this is finished. I've spoken to and done more with the old flame in the last few days then I have with my boyfriend in the last month.

OP posts:
FFSAllTheGoodOnesArereadyTaken · 07/02/2021 14:10

I think you need to end things with the bf. I'm not a fan of online things either but if it meant something to my bf, and it was online or nothing, then I'd pick online every time. Unless he was suggesting an alternative like coming round for a chat through the window or writing you letters. But he seems to be suggesting that you just stop communicating, which I think shows he isnt really bothered, and the most telling thing is that he still somehow manages to communicate with his friends. What is he talking to them about?

I have spent all day every day with my husband since March and we still have plenty to say to each other, yes our lives are boring at the moment but we still talk about things we're watching, stories on the news, work, kids, politics, books, plans for when lockdown ends, family etc etc. I'd be worried that he literally has nothing to say to you...either he doesn't think about anything and is a bit boring or he just doesn't care, if he is still talking to friends. You dont want to be one of those couples you see in restaurants who just sit there in silence or on their phones.

I think the old flame is a side issue. I wouldn't mention it to your bf but I would end it with him

Incrediblytired · 07/02/2021 14:10

You can end it with your fella but you still can’t see the old flame so it’s not going to make a huge amount of difference.

Royalbloo · 07/02/2021 14:11

If you're not getting what you need and he doesn't care if just end it then you can do whatever you want!

Raindough · 07/02/2021 14:11

Have you replied to him?

Just tell him that it’s over. Relationships in lockdown do not have to be like this. He’s placing no effort and this relationship isn’t what you want.

YoniAndGuy · 07/02/2021 14:12

The problem here is that you've got a boyfriend who either:

a. doesn't give much of a shit about you any more, or

b. is one of those men who doesn't see his girlfriend as a friend. Those kind of men are utterly beta - so it's a case of get rid either way.

There are TONS of men like that. Brought up essentially to see women as another species. You have 'relationships' with them that involve sex and romance and being looked after/doing the looking after... but you're not friends. You don't enjoy talking, playing, BEING with them. That's what other men friends are for. Usually this becomes apparent 15 years down the line when you realise that the time you spend with them doesn't involve conversation or laughs or enthusiasm, but simply being in the same room while he watches telly (and whatsapps The Lads enthusiastically instead).

Lockdown has just given you a heads up.

The other man - firstly, if you want to carry on talking to him a. finish with your bf or b. tell him that you've renewed a friendship with X as you're so lonely, it's all above board and you're quite happy to add him to your chats/involve him in your Zooms etc. Be totally upfront.

Because there is nothing wrong with getting a new friend. Of course,. it's unlikely that that's exactly what it is given the context. But lockdown has thrown all the rules out of the window. Beware of the ex, you finished for a reason, and it's also possible that he's just your bf all over again but at the start of the relationship, where he pretended he was interested in you as a person, and was your friend, because that's what Men Who Can't Be Friends With Women do to kick-start a relationship.

Thomasina2021 · 07/02/2021 14:13

Op you can provide care for your parents and also bubble with your bf

It’s unrealistic to have an endless online relationship

YoniAndGuy · 07/02/2021 14:15

I mean, you could use the ex popping up as a way of having it out with your bf. 'You're not interested in me as a person, only when I'm there, to Have A Relationship With. But, you're not my mate, are you? You're not interested in us playing games together. I don't want that, I actually want a bloke who is my friend as well as my bf.'

It's possible, by the way. There are actually men out there who see their partners as friends and have a laugh with them and do stuff with them. They are the ones you can end up happily - REALLY happily - married to.

Raindough · 07/02/2021 14:16

Like are you even together? I have probably spoken to my colleagues more than you’ve spoken to your boyfriend

Preferring to see you in person doesn’t mean you don’t talk at all unless you’re together in person. How old are you? Surely messaging, social media, calls etc are all part of normal life now

TurquoiseDragon · 07/02/2021 14:17

@CuriousaboutSamphire

OK so the ex flame has shown you just how unhappy you are in your current relationship.

Do the decent thing and end your relationship.

Then take some time.to work out what you want, don't rush into anything.

This is what I would do in your position, too.
Original poster
lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 14:18

I've suggested going for a socially distanced walk as exercise but he said he doesn't want to 'until the weather gets better.'

I've literally exhausted every option. I think he just isn't happy we can't have sex, because we haven't connected on any sort of friendship level since this lockdown started.

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 14:20

We do talk, but it's a handful of generic text messages a day. The sort you send because you are obliged. I try to bring up interesting topics, but he doesn't engage with it. And he's so unwilling to watch movies/series/read books/play games with me, that it's very hard to even have an interesting conversation with him.

OP posts:
Onadifferentuniverse · 07/02/2021 14:25

There’s 2 separate issues here.
Your relationship- regardless of the rest, it’s not working is it. He isn’t showing you any care, attention or love. All the effort is you, it’s not equal and will never work.

This old flame- if you’re not interested in ever being with him you need to make this clear I think.
That you just want to be his friend.

You’re not doing anything wrong yet imo.

BooBahBoo · 07/02/2021 14:25

Dump the bf.

See how things go with new guy. If it doesn’t go well then nothing lost.

No point staying in a dead relationship.

IcedLimes · 07/02/2021 14:25

Finish with your old boyfriend and then you can do what you like with the new one.