Boyfriend neglecting me in lockdown, old flame as reappeared...

[lockdownlassie1]

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship has been up and down at times, mostly due to lockdown and the additional stresses over the past year.

Since the most recent lockdown, I feel like he is putting no effort in. Since lockdown began, we have done 1 FaceTime and 1 virtual movie night (which he fell asleep half way through). He doesn't text me throughout the day, there is no more 'good morning' or 'goodnight' messages. I expressed how I felt, on many occasions, and how much I'd love to be doing more facetimes/movie nights/phonecalls... he said that it 'frustrates him' and he doesn't want to have an online relationship.

The thing is, he will happily watch football virtually with his mates, play Xbox with them all night, chat away all day on their WhatsApp group chat. They also do virtual game nights where they play cards etc.

I've suggested we could do the same, I have a console so we could start an online game together, but he has no interest in playing with me. I know everyone is struggling in lockdown, but it is really starting to get me down. I live on my own, I have no adult company and he knows this.

A few days ago, an old flame from years ago added me on social media and we got talking. We've started to talk throughout the day, he wishes me good morning and good night, we've started to watch a virtual series together, talk about books, how our days have been, catching up on the last couple of years. Last night he told me how much he has enjoyed talking to me, and how I've made his lockdown a lot more interesting.

I know that talking to the old flame is wrong, it is a betrayal to be doing it behind my boyfriends back. I am going to bring up the conversation again later, and I am going to tell my boyfriend later today that I have been speaking to this other man. It's just made me feel good to have someone who is actually interested in talking and doing things with me in such a shit time...

I just don't know how to feel about any of this. I don't know if anyone else is experiencing this with their boyfriend / partner in lockdown? A total lack of attentiveness/attention?

Ouch indeed.

At least it's shown me who he really is. I'm free now to chat to people who are actually pleasant.

OP, am I right in saying that you were seeing him physically until this lockdown started in January? You then decided your weren't going to see him anymore at that point? Is that correct?

I completely understand your choice in terms of needing to support your parents and them being concerned about bubbling with other households, however you do need to accept that that decision was the start of this issue. Perhaps it is for the best that this has happened as perhaps he was just in it for sex, but just cutting him off now after seeing each other throughout the pandemic to this point is easy to interpret as a signal that you are no longer interested in him.

I expect that many of the commenters sticking the knife into your BF would be also advising a women in his position to ditch the partner that suddenly stopped seeing them too.

Clearly not a great situation all round.

Also, if you think that the old flame is not interested in sex then you should give your head a shake.

@Eleganz

We could see each other in person (walks, coffees). My parents just aren't happy with mixing indoors because of all of the variants. Once they've had their injection, we could've gone back to seeing one another properly again.

@lockdownlassie1

I do think in generall Lockdowns are making any relantships either clostrophic or full on intense,pressure cooking intense feeling if living together.!

Or in your situation Op
the pressure stress is you can not do normal kinds of things couples usually or often do.
(plus its extremly boring time Lockdowns are.

(the thing is with old flame is he just bored with Lockdowns and he is enjoying having a ego boost fun interesting time to pass the time with lockdowns

What is your gut instinct telling you Op about old flame intentions then?

I thought it was ok to sociable bubble up with 6 people the max?

Do you think its worth while consirdering the pressures of Lockdown and seeing if its possible if you can see your current boyfriend in real time,such as going for a walk in the park with Costa coffee, its dry sunny day, maybe have a flask or mini picnic pasties etc
Or going for a stroll around the beach on a dry sunny day.
even playing traditional board games like chess etc.
Or even turn to the internet/YouTube to take on new interests on your own /and together to have something more in common interesting to talk about etc?

Do you feel your current partner is worth giving a another chance then or just ditch him?

[quote lockdownlassie1]@Eleganz

We could see each other in person (walks, coffees). My parents just aren't happy with mixing indoors because of all of the variants. Once they've had their injection, we could've gone back to seeing one another properly again.[/quote]
I totally understand but it is a significant change in your relationship that could last for quite a while. Did you discuss it with him or just tell him this was how it was going to be?

@Eleganz I discussed it with him and he basically got in a mood, saying he didn't like 'online relationships' and Facetimes are frustrating and moaned about the lack of sex.

The fact is, if he was in love with me, why would you refuse (make excuses) to go on a walk with your girlfriend that you are supposedly in love with and want a future with, but then be more than happy to go on a walk with another woman?

@thosetalesofunexpected

I've asked to go for a walk, coffee, meet in person etc. He's said we should wait until 'the weather is better' and moaned about how annoying it would be not having sex or physical contact on the walk.

Then goes for a walk in the snow with his female friend... Couldn't make this up.

@lockdownlassie1
Just read your update Op.

You are far better off without deadbeat current Boyfriend if he is only interested in doing any activities with you as long as it involves him getting you in the sack, sex.!

You deserve more than that from a relantship.

He is no good for you.!
Its demoralizing for you emotionally this current situation.!

You are not a Robot/or sex toy for him to enjoy at pleasure.!

I don't really care what the intentions of OF are, it may well just be for sex and probably is... It highlighted to me that this bloke who hasn't spoken to me in years, put more effort into a few days then my boyfriend has in a month.

Then when I raise the issue with my boyfriend and explain my unhappiness, his responses are shit, let's be honest.

Then the next day he's going a walk with someone else!! Guess the weather wasn't too bad to go on a walk with someone else, just me.

Sorry. I'm just angry and upset.

Yeah it is crappy op. He can’t be bothered to put any effort in and doesn’t care that you’re upset or blocking him. Did you find yourself making most of the effort in the relationship?

Ditching him is the right move. Being a boyfriend is an active not passive state, and he couldn't be more passive.

@Maryberryscake Yes, especially of late. I even sent him a present over the weekend to congratulate him on a new job.

He's sent a massive long email trying to justify himself (whilst telling me to 'do one' at the beginning of it)! Too bad he didn't have this time/effort when it came to actually meeting up with me, watching a film or any number of things I've suggested we do together.

Sounds like he only wants to see you when it provides him with an opportunity to dump his load.

What an old romantic (!) Not!

He’s full of excuses and sh*t ! If you like someone you want to be with them. Simple as that. His effort with his friend, If she is really his friend, is more than with his girlfriend. Call up your friends and get some phone hugs x

Wouldn't be surprised if they end up in a relationship to be honest. Oh well, not the first time he's told me to 'do one', or fuck off. He's constantly minimising my feelings too or telling me I'm overreacting.

I had an ex like this.

Never had time for me but could do a b and c for everyone and their auntie. Told me to fuck off when I raised it.

That didn't last

He still texts me every so often but I'm too busy to text back. Oh dear.

I also suspect he posted about his walk with his female friend on social media as he knew I'd see it and he wanted to manipulate some emotion / response out of me.

Ditch the boyfriend. You're not happy with what he's prepared to offer (which sounds like virtually nothing - I don't blame you!). I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

Talk to old flame by all means but don't get carried away. Go in with an open mind, but open eyes too.

@lockdownlassie1

I also suspect he posted about his walk with his female friend on social media as he knew I'd see it and he wanted to manipulate some emotion / response out of me.

Course he did

Get that gone

What an unrepentant asshole. He’s probably been sleeping with her or at least trying to sleep with her for a while now. You putting your foot down gave him an “excuse” to finally go after her. He’s her problem now, not yours. You may cry a bit now but then you’ll feel much lighter in a few days or weeks.

Ah OP, just read your update. He really is a vile turd isn't he.

Well, now you don't need to feel guilty. I know it may feel like you've lost something, but I've no doubt you'll look back on this episode and be glad you kicked him to the kerb. He wasn't there for you emotionally, either online or in the world. He sounds like an absolute berk.

He wanted out, is my guess. That's why he posted it.

Her vagina is closer and therefore worth the effort of a walk.

He is pond scum.

Vile.
Well rid.

If you took a lot of shit from him during the past two years it would be worth while working out why you would allow yourself to be treated so poorly for so long.

This will arm you better to value yourself for your next relationship.

@lockdownlassie1

Your Boyfriend is a Total Arsehole !

A real hot steaming Turd !