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AIBU?

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Original poster

Boyfriend neglecting me in lockdown, old flame as reappeared...

187 replies

lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 12:18

I have been seeing my boyfriend for 2 years. Our relationship has been up and down at times, mostly due to lockdown and the additional stresses over the past year.

Since the most recent lockdown, I feel like he is putting no effort in. Since lockdown began, we have done 1 FaceTime and 1 virtual movie night (which he fell asleep half way through). He doesn't text me throughout the day, there is no more 'good morning' or 'goodnight' messages. I expressed how I felt, on many occasions, and how much I'd love to be doing more facetimes/movie nights/phonecalls... he said that it 'frustrates him' and he doesn't want to have an online relationship.

The thing is, he will happily watch football virtually with his mates, play Xbox with them all night, chat away all day on their WhatsApp group chat. They also do virtual game nights where they play cards etc.

I've suggested we could do the same, I have a console so we could start an online game together, but he has no interest in playing with me. I know everyone is struggling in lockdown, but it is really starting to get me down. I live on my own, I have no adult company and he knows this.

A few days ago, an old flame from years ago added me on social media and we got talking. We've started to talk throughout the day, he wishes me good morning and good night, we've started to watch a virtual series together, talk about books, how our days have been, catching up on the last couple of years. Last night he told me how much he has enjoyed talking to me, and how I've made his lockdown a lot more interesting.

I know that talking to the old flame is wrong, it is a betrayal to be doing it behind my boyfriends back. I am going to bring up the conversation again later, and I am going to tell my boyfriend later today that I have been speaking to this other man. It's just made me feel good to have someone who is actually interested in talking and doing things with me in such a shit time...

I just don't know how to feel about any of this. I don't know if anyone else is experiencing this with their boyfriend / partner in lockdown? A total lack of attentiveness/attention?

OP posts:
jambeforeclottedcream · 07/02/2021 16:20

@SummerBlondey

I'd do a little experiment, I think. Don't contact the BF and see how long it takes for him to contact you. If and when he sends a text, I'd ignore it and see if that makes him sit up and take notice.

Meanwhile I'd crack on with the old flame - he's paying you attention and it sounds like fun.

This made me think of the lyrics from "I want you back" by Michael Jackson :

"When I had you to myself, I didn't want you around
Those pretty faces always make you stand out in a crowd
But someone picked you from the bunch, one glance is all it took
Now it's much too late for me to take a second look"

I'd also suggest this. But realise that's not as easy as it sounds

How much contact recently have you had with bf. Is it flirty l, do you think there is something to pursue here?

I think when you make your decisions out shouldn't include your ex in your decision making. But ultimately dump your bf

CaptSkippy · 07/02/2021 16:21

Get rid of both. An old flame is an old flame for a reason. Someone resurfacing means that whatever other relationships they had going for themselves didn't work out and you are their fallback option.

Same thing for your boyfriend. He takes you for granted. He only wants to interact with you when he feels like it, your needs and feelings be damned. This is a very one-sided "relationship" and you deserve better.

I'd say block and delete the contact information of both. Stay single for a while and then start looking for a guy who is really into you and not afraid to show the world how much you mean to him.

Original poster
lockdownlassie1 · 07/02/2021 16:27

Thanks everyone. You are all right, he is taking me for granted. I am not interested in the 'old flame', in a relationship sense. As others have said, he is an ex for a reason. However... I have been enjoying talking to him. It's been a breath of fresh air to have someone actually 'pursue' me. I need to be with someone that is actually going to put effort into interacting with me in a meaningful way. I've missed that feeling.

I said this to BF:

'You've had over a month to show any interest in me. I've suggested movies, series, facetimes, phonecalls, playing games, going for walks. Other people are making these lockdown relationships work because they’re putting effort in - unfortunately you’re not. This isn't a relationship, it's not even a friendship with someone who's mildly interested.'

OP posts:
katy1213 · 07/02/2021 16:28

The boyfriend isn't really a boyfriend, is he? I can't see that you owe him anything - and anyway, you've enjoyed a few days of conversation with someone who pays you more attention. Is that a sin? Why does any relationship need to be so exclusive that you can't talk to anyone else!

Chimeraforce · 07/02/2021 16:33

Look, just ditch your boyfriend. If you've only seen him a couple of times in a year and he's more willing to play with mates then you're wasting your time.
Then make the ex work for you a bit.... Don't give it up so easily. You may decide to have a break full stop!

Imworthit · 07/02/2021 16:56

What boyfriend? Maybe I’m a superbitch but I wouldn’t even bother ‘ending it’. Ignore him and get on with your life and if he finally notices, tell him it takes two. He’ll either wise up or I think more likely you’ll realise no relationship is actually being had.

knittingaddict · 07/02/2021 16:56

Two issues that are largely separate.

Boyfriend sounds like he isn't as invested in the relationship as you would like or he should be to make it an actual relationship. Might be best to call it a day.

Ex sounds like he might be bored in lockdown and going through his virtual filofax in search of ex girlfriends. My daughter would be a rich woman if she had a £ for every ex who tried to reengage on social media. They are bored, bored, bored and talking to an ex passes the time nicely.

Ditch the boyfriend and treat the ex with extreme caution. You don't need to have a boyfriend at all. I assume the ex was an ex for a reason.

Imworthit · 07/02/2021 16:58

Sorry op but you did the right thing

jambeforeclottedcream · 07/02/2021 17:07

That's a great text to send him. Although feel you might need GinWine---- after sending it

Wonder how he will respond.

Brunt0n · 07/02/2021 20:50

Did he respond OP?

lockdownalli · 07/02/2021 21:01

YANBU and your message to him is perfect.

He's just a boyfriend, no drama. every relationship ends one way or another and this one has run it's course.

I wouldn't take OF too seriously but if the flirtation is making you feel good then go with it but be wary not to be hurt.

RootyT00t · 07/02/2021 21:09

@Dogsarehairy

You are having an emotional affair and blaming your boyfriend and you want us to tell you that it is ok?

Is that the summary?

No. That's not whats happening.
RootyT00t · 07/02/2021 21:09

@lockdownlassie1

I've told him how I feel and this is the reply I got...

'Facetime frustrates me as I’d rather be with you and I have nothing to talk about as life is dull as hell. You find some things to watch and I’ll do my best to stay awake watching them, but you know what I’m like. There’s not much more I can say other than that.'

Oh OP. Doesn't sound good.
louleey · 07/02/2021 22:18

@gamerchick

If you live alone then why havent you bubbled with you bloke?

You can't blame your relationship on what you're doing. But you can rectify that by ending it as it's obviously not working.

This is what I’m thinking, why aren’t you seeing each other?
Pollypudding · 07/02/2021 22:38

I agree with PPs- the relationship has run its course and fizzled out. You just don’t have enough in common and don’t seem to be friends. Be brave and honest and end the relationship with dignity. I admire you for caring for you parents and putting them first- you sound like a lovely person. Flowers

jambeforeclottedcream · 07/02/2021 22:38

@louleey @gamerchick

Op said in an earlier post that she is bubbly with her parents who are elderly/ disabled parents who need help & support.

borntohula · 07/02/2021 22:41

I really don't blame him for not wanting an 'online relationship.' My bf and I never stopped seeing each other, neither have any couple i know.

Mrsmummy90 · 07/02/2021 22:44

It sounds like he's just not interested. Dump him and give yourself some space.

FrostyChocolateMilkshake · 07/02/2021 22:52

You and your current boyfriend have drifted apart unfortunately. End it, now. For yours and his sakes.

DianaT1969 · 07/02/2021 23:00

You don't actually need to do anything. You can't date anyone anyway. In a month lockdown will be lifted and if your parents have had their vaccine and agree, you might be able to start living more normally again.
Make your mind up then. You've seen a disappointing side to him. But he might have become introverted and bored of his own conversation. It doesn't bode well that he doesn't chat to you daily, but you can stop making any effort now and make a decision in a month.

Wiredforsound · 07/02/2021 23:08

If your boyfriend was interested he’d be behaving like your ex - spending time with you, engaging in shared interests, etc. He’s not. He IS doing that with his mates though. Just bin him. He’s a crappy boyfriend.

timeisnotaline · 07/02/2021 23:51

@borntohula

I really don't blame him for not wanting an 'online relationship.' My bf and I never stopped seeing each other, neither have any couple i know.
The op offered walks, sounds like he’s not keen?
boredwiththeoldname · 08/02/2021 00:02

@lockdownlassie1

I've suggested going for a socially distanced walk as exercise but he said he doesn't want to 'until the weather gets better.'

I've literally exhausted every option. I think he just isn't happy we can't have sex, because we haven't connected on any sort of friendship level since this lockdown started.

I reckon you have hit the nail on the head here. He's not getting any sex, and he can't be bothered with the relationship otherwise.
borntohula · 08/02/2021 00:37

@timeisnotaline ah I missed that. Even so, it's not the same as it would have been before covid and I can understand why people would be drifting apart.

TheStoic · 08/02/2021 01:59

He'll get defensive, and/or offer you just enough to keep you hanging on. Unless he has a complete personality transplant, that will be the definition of flogging a dead horse.