Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

He doesn't have an excuse really.
Amazon is "open" 24/7 and you can get cards at shops that are open like the supermarkets.

I don't blame you for abdicating responsibility- especially when your h'a family decide amongst themselves whether or not they are doing gifts. If they have a family group chat I bet there's be a message about kids getting gifts or everybody changing their mind and him not reading it properly. I'd be embarrassed if my wife bought gifts, I told her to return them then discovered my family were doing gifts after all. It's not your fault or responsibility at all

Yanbu.
My partners mum gave me a book with the names, addresses and birthdays of all his relatives. I just looked at her and asked why she thought I needed it. I suggested she give it to her son. End of. If her son won't marry me after 25 years I'm certainly not doing wife work.

You have enough on your plate op. I let my husband sort his family now. I have enough with my own family.. Im godmother to friends kids aswell. Let your husb sort them!!

@Chimeraforce no way! I'm
Just sick of it. If he gets it in the neck tomorrow because He forgot his siblings birthday that's not my issue. I have too much else to think about. I hope he was embarrassed a bit when his family gave us presents and we had nothing. I just said 'oh I'm so sorry DH told me you weren't doing presents anymore and to take them back so I did' never mind.

Yanbu.

Well done!

Oh God I wished it hadn’t taken me 15 years to learn this! Needless to say mutual exchange of gifts birthday and Christmas all ceased shortly after I stopped arranging to all.

YADNBU

We just don’t do presents or even cards really to family. We’re grown-ups. We/they may send something one year, and not the next. You clearly shouldn’t get involved.

I can't believe women still do this. I was a sahm and my husband worked long hours. But he never expected me to buy Christmas or birthday presents for his family. I think the most i did was send Christmas cards from the both of us, but that was something I really enjoyed doing.

I did exactly the same last year.

Agreed, totally not on you! I’ve recently stopped doing this after MIL didn’t like her very thoughtful Xmas present a few years ago & complained to me about the nice earrings we’d bought her. I gave her the gift receipt so she could change them, but she wanted me to change them & surprise her with something else. The earrings were actually ones we’d seen together our shopping a month before & she said she loved them! So 3 years ago, after this & BIL forgot my birthday again, (no card, text message etc) for the 3rd year running. I buy cards in bulk each year, DH knows where they are, stamps are there too, he just has to write & send and order a present. SO much less hassle!

Why did you even start doing this?

DH does his Christmas cards. It was four but sadly only one now. I send quite a few and different countries too.

Sounds fair enough to me OP😁

I mean he could go get a supermarket card. So first thing tomorrow say “ have you been to the supermarket to buy that card?”

I don’t get why some men do this. I suggested we had a family zoom catch up a few weeks DH said great idea and he organised it. I do help pick presents for his parents but they are super lovely and we share the Christmas card writing.

It wouldn’t occur to DH that I would automatically do any of this unless I had offered or specifically agreed to. I don’t mind picking up the occasional card if I’m in the shop anyway, he does the same for me.

I tend to buy the presents for the cat though, mainly because DH knows I enjoy it 😸

YANBU not even close to being unreasonable.

I have purposely not learnt any of DP’s family birthdays, couldn’t even tell you what time of year his parents birthdays are, not a cat in hells chance am I doing the cards for them.

@LouiseTrees

I mean he could go get a supermarket card. So first thing tomorrow say “ have you been to the supermarket to buy that card?”

No don't. Why would you? I've been married for nearly 30 years and have never engaged with what Mumsnet calls wife work. Oh look - the sky hasn't fallen.

Yanbu. DH and I work on the basis that he buys his family stuff and I sort out mine. He works bloody hard but manages fine, so there's no reason why your husband should find it so difficult.

I cant stand these guys who get married or into a relationship and suddenly abdicate all responsibility for remembering their own families. There is absolutely no excuse for this, it is just the height of laziness.

He can set up Moonpig reminders to email himself a couple of days before birthdays. This is what I said to DH.

@LouiseTrees

I mean he could go get a supermarket card. So first thing tomorrow say “ have you been to the supermarket to buy that card?”

No no no! That's still doing wife work. ITS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. He has a brain. He can think to go get a card from the supermarket or order a Moonpig one. Or send an e card. Or whatever. Or nothing. It's up to him.

@Chimeraforce

Yanbu. My partners mum gave me a book with the names, addresses and birthdays of all his relatives. I just looked at her and asked why she thought I needed it. I suggested she give it to her son. End of. If her son won't marry me after 25 years I'm certainly not doing wife work.

After dh and I had been married a while I discovered that his Mum had been sending out cards in our names. (Someone wondered why we had sent them 2). We even got thanked for presents "we" had sent to people we most certainly hadn't sent them to and who would not have been on our list to send gifts to!! At that point I decided dh and his mum could sort it out themselves and bowed out!!

We get it the other way too. All sorts of neighbours and friends of mil send cards (and sometimes money) to DS and strangely they all have hand writing the same as mil's!!

For those say my reply is still doing wife work. My train of thought is that when he blames here she can say “but I told you so”. If she’s spent years doing the wife work then she really needs to labour that it’s not on her anymore. That or ignore it but suspect she’ll have to deal with silent treatment or the sulks.

I used to do this and then stopped.
Then, usually the night before a birthday, DH will ask if I have any spare cards or take one from my stash and use my last stamp.
I'm going to start hiding them.