Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

My DH forgets/doesn't send cards to his cousins/aunties/uncles. Therefore they don't get cards. Shame innit.

He remembers his DM and DSis.

MIL assumed I would take on the gift buying role before I even lived with now DH. One memorable Christmas DH asked her if she knew of anything particular his niece and nephew would like (DH's brother was living with them at the time, DH has minimal contact with his brother but still bought presents for niece and nephew).
MIL announced that she had a few ideas for nephew but was sure Pavlova would just LOVE to buy for 9 yr old niece and have so much fun shopping for her.

Er, no.
A) not my job
B) I had met niece once about 2 years previously
C) I had no children myself at that point nor friends with children that age and didn't have a clue what niece already had, what she was into or what 9 yr olds liked.

I swiftly removed myself from any responsibility for buying presents for any IL's. Ever.

What is it with mothers and sons?! If we raise them to think that women are lackeys how hard are we making it on our daughters to gain equality?

But you can't and shouldn't blame the mothers. There's nothing to stop men and boys being more proactive and independent if they want to, but many just seem more inclined to leave the boring shitwork to the women in their lives because they want to, and can get away with it.

BarbaraofSeville
I agree, it is 100% men's choice to step up or not, but I do think we have to put some responsibility on wives/mothers/female relatives if they start making it clear they expect the women in their male relative's life to be doing all the shitwork.

We have got a responsibility to show boys that the shitwork doesn't fall to mum all the time. That means the men in our (collective) life need to step up, and we need to stop excusing men who opt out by saying 'awww but bless his cotton socks, he works such a difficult job so couldn't manage to buy his mum a birthday card... my husband can't help it, he just doesn't see mess so naturally I do it for him... my poor DP is really good at helping so I give him a chore list so he knows to wash the dishes and then put them away... my DIL is awful, she forgot our wedding anniversary AIBU to think this is a snub and she never liked us anyway'

If you yourself got the family birthday list from your MIL and were told off when you didn't remember the birthday of your DHs second cousin twice removed, it's sometimes difficult to realise that yes, you can break the cycle.

I don't understand why women ever take on buying cards and presents for their DH's family. I occasionally supply suggestions on what people might enjoy to my DH but it ends there. He is far better than his two sisters at remembering birthday cards and gifts. Men really are capable of doing this or alternatively choosing not to send cards and gifts, as they prefer.
It requires me to step back and let him be in control (which sometimes I don't want to) but overall it's the right thing!

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am totally confused. The first time I heard the term "wife work" was here on Mumsnet. Many people get postively venomous about sending a card to one of "his" relatives. And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain". Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives). Not being a servant, but sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 and sometimes even 90/10 in hard times. Is it so different now? Can you be truly married and go NC with his relatives for no other reason than they are "his"?

I agree with you that the split of work in marriages differs at different times.

What I/we object to is men who automatically assume that these things are the wife's jobs, abdicate responsibility, hold down high powered jobs but then turn into completely lazy incompetent and entitled men at home.

That's my view anyway.

I'd be happy to go with the ebbs and flows per the %s you mentioned above but I refuse to do 90%/10% (with me doing 90% all the time) when I also work long hours (same field as my husband as fact), do the majority of the childcare and domestic stuff due to his international travel and long hours AND THEN do cards on top.

No thanks. If it's a partnership as you say, then the men need to be partners. I signed up for marriage not slavery.

Hi Georgia Girl (waves!).
Think we’re almost on our own here! At least it’s only MN rather than real life. I’m like you, my in-laws are my family too. I probably do more of the gift idea generating, DH tends to do research if needed. If he was a lazy tosser (he isn’t) and did nothing at all, I’d still do the gifts, because I love the people I’m buying for - y’know, my family. I wouldn’t wish any of them to feel forgotten on their birthday, even if they are grown ups - if I didn’t like them, it’d be a different situation 😁.

I would be buying the gifts in OPs situation though! I hasten to add OP, sounds like you’ve got plenty on - it’s the rest of this ‘orrible lot with their angry divvying up of the family I mean!

Stupid autocorrect. “Wouldn’t be buying the gifts in OP’s situation”, not would!

@LolaSmiles

BarbaraofSeville I agree, it is 100% men's choice to step up or not, but I do think we have to put some responsibility on wives/mothers/female relatives if they start making it clear they expect the women in their male relative's life to be doing all the shitwork.

We have got a responsibility to show boys that the shitwork doesn't fall to mum all the time. That means the men in our (collective) life need to step up, and we need to stop excusing men who opt out by saying 'awww but bless his cotton socks, he works such a difficult job so couldn't manage to buy his mum a birthday card... my husband can't help it, he just doesn't see mess so naturally I do it for him... my poor DP is really good at helping so I give him a chore list so he knows to wash the dishes and then put them away... my DIL is awful, she forgot our wedding anniversary AIBU to think this is a snub and she never liked us anyway'

100%.

My dh received all the credit for dmil cards/gifts. When I stopped doing it and he forgot I received the blame. If I was being brutally honest I could say that she raised him to be the entitled forgetful son that he can be at times. He would never forget my birthday as he knows it wouldn’t wash with me. He can quite easily forget hers as she would never say anything to him, she would blame me.

My db is crap with birthdays but none of us let him off. We all drop him a message and tell him that he is utterly thoughtless and selfish. Including my dm who pointedly thanks his dgf for any cards/presents she does receive from him as ‘I know that selfish bugger wouldn’t remember’. My own 15 y/o son knows how upset I would be if he forgot my birthday. I don’t hold him to a different standard to my daughter. This year was lockdown but he gave me a card and baked me a cake. I wouldn’t expect a future girlfriend/wife of ds to remember anything, but I would be very hurt if HE couldn’t be bothered to mark the occasion.

One of the reasons ex husband gave me for divorcing me was not doing any cooking (he cooked but only for himself never once made a meal for me) and didn't show any interest in his family i.e didn't do any cards or present buying for them.
Hmmmm, I don't recall him every thinking to do that for my family and quite frankly he'd sit at the table eating food he's cooked for himself and none for me.
We both worked full time, lived in MY house and I payed the mortgage and all the bills.
Where do these men get off with their cheeky shit. i was all, "Bye then".

It never occurred to me to get birthday cards and presents for my in-laws. Christmas slightly different as gifts were more from 'us' but I have never really made much of a fuss about birthdays and would expect DH to remember, buy stuff and get it there on time.
I would say that by the same token I don't expect much back! If they remembered I would be pleased and grateful but not offended if not acknowledged.

I had a conversation with my MIL just before Christmas. I said I was fed up buying presents and had left DH in charge of it this year. She told me very knowingly that it wouldn't work and he'd end up not buying anything, like his dad does, and that I'd end up having to buy them all, like she does. I reiterated that I would not be buying presents this year and that if anyone doesn't get anything then they should be directed to DH not me.