Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

Keep your course OP. Feel no shame and direct all queries and criticisms to him. I don't do wife work and I don't remind him to do things as a PP suggested. Not my circus, not my monkeys. He misses appointments, his family don't get presents. I tend to shrug my shoulders and look vaguely sympathetic, then move on. His life, his choices.

@LouiseTrees You do have a point...I guess I'm just hard core and go for the nuclear option!

I have had to explain this several times to MIL. She knew I was right but wanted me to do it all. Kept going on about how she had to do it all. Turned it into a rant against FIL.

I was very clear from the get go. I sort my family, DH sorts his. End of. Sometimes I offer to pick up cards as I'm getting some anyway but its not expected of me and dh often says he will do it himself.

I do all the food shop but quid pro quo I expect DH to sort bill paying. I do laundry, he hangs it out.

MIL suggested at our wedding reception that she'd give me all the addresses and birthdays to send cards now we were married. I don't send cards maybe the occasional one if the joke fits the recipient so told her not to bother.

@katy1213

Why did you even start doing this?

Pointless question. @YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver. Well done, stick to your guns, btw, love your username

So many women choose to take on the burden of remembering, thinking, buying and arranging tat for their boyfriend/husbands relatives, it’s insanity. And the men who encourage this are pathetic. Are they doing the same for the woman’s relatives? Thought not.

Educate him that cards don’t come out of vaginas, and he can arrange the tat delivery to whomever he wishes, at any hour of the day or night. Don’t opt in to this farce, the rest of us are sick of listening to the moaning about it.

I wouldn't want a card from my child's future significant other. All that signifies to me was that my child was too lazy/uninterested to bother thinking of me. Why would I want Mothers' Day cards or flowers, for example, from someone who isn't my child?

Good for you op.
I am married a decade and not once have I bought a card or sent a present to dh side of the family or him to mine.
I do too much of the wife work already and although dh comes from a traditional family where I think it is expected that the wife does this type of thing (I was shown on return from honeymoon how to make bread like she does)

• I just thankfully never started.

I don’t sort my DH’s family at Christmas or their birthdays, that’s his job. I do my family. Why should I get all the fun?!!

somewhere at the start of DH starts the ‘I want to send Christmas cards to everyone in my family’ chat. I ignore this. Christmas Eve he always asks if ‘we’ve sent everyone cards’ and every year he gets the same answer. No. He’s still shocked 20 years on.
His theory is that his mother used to do this. His mother expected a thank you card in response to a thank you card. I think cards are stupid and wasteful.
I have almost no relationship with most of DHs family. It’s huge and we live hundreds of miles away. Most of them have made zero effort with us, they won’t even go out of their way to see us when we’ve spent 4-5 hours driving to their town.
And honestly who could be bothered.

He can send an e-card or flowers to arrive same day. If he is too stupid to realise this then his sibling probably knows that already and will not be bothered. Plus I am guessing his sibling knows what your job is so will hardly be blaming you for not sending anything.

Don’t give it a moment’s more thought.

@LouiseTrees

I mean he could go get a supermarket card. So first thing tomorrow say “ have you been to the supermarket to buy that card?”

Why? Not OP problem.

Weve always just sorted by family. He does his fam and I do mine. Tbh hes probably better off than me as my family is huge and way more to sort

I wholeheartedly agree with you op
However on mn I read guff about men who need Women Their partner in order to run a house, buy cards,deal with correspondence
These men allegedly earn big,are top of their game but cannot do a grocery shop or open their own male

I send to nieces and nephews on both sides, dh is so forgetful and I’d hate them to not receive a card. Dh thinks cards are a waste of money so I’d rather take charge. I don’t send them to his siblings, bar one sister who makes an effort for us.

However up until now dh has worked more hours than me so I have more time, as of next month we both work the same amount of hours, . ,

Snigger open their own mail,not male

‘Oh no! But then [whoever] wouldn’t get a card!!!’
Ah well. That’s the husbands problem.

@2pinkginsplease is he forgetful In all aspects of life eg work or only social cards?

I've always refused to take this on. His family he can deal with it. Bloody mil panders to it and it's cards for significant daily in that side and drops them here with a stamp. Am I fuck taking that on.

YANBU.

I didn't even know that wives doing this for their husbands was a thing until I joined MN.

I am totally confused. The first time I heard the term "wife work" was here on Mumsnet. Many people get postively venomous about sending a card to one of "his" relatives. And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain".
Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives). Not being a servant, but sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 and sometimes even 90/10 in hard times.
Is it so different now? Can you be truly married and go NC with his relatives for no other reason than they are "his"?

I remember the first year we were married DH was slightly reproachful because "we" hadn't sent a Christmas card to a friend of his whom A) I'd never met and B) I didn't have an address for. It tickled my sense of absurdity and became a family joke.

Turns out that - apart from cooking - sorting out cards and presents is) wifework I enjoy. I flatly refuse to do ironing but I'll gladly send cards - to the extent that it's a pleasure rather than a chore.

We write all the birthdays on the new calendar at the beginning of the year. For important people, like grandchildren, I add 'buy present for x' a couple of weeks in advance. If I notice, I might remind DH he has a family birthday coming up, and he might remind me. Or we might not - it's still our responsibility.

The only exception, I would suggest, to "well, hard luck if he forgets, they just won't get a gift," should be your and his parents, unless they are absolutely horrible and you've gone NC. Especially your MIL. Hell should freeze over before you let your DH shrug and 'forget' Mother's Day or her birthday, or indeed, your own. It is hugely hurtful, and your DH won't be the one who's hurt. Kick his arse.

Totally agree with you. For so many people on here it US venemous and it's 'it's his family / my family' . Actually in my mind if you are married or in a relationship its 'our family'. We share jobs and when one of us is struggling the other steps up and carrys more of the work. My husband normally gets his cards but if I'm shopping I'm more than happy to walk down the bloody card aisle and pick him a card up, I wouldn't write it cos I wouldn't need to.
At Christmas we decide through talking together what we are getting for people on both sides of the family. I will normally buy them because I work a lot less hours and can get to the shops easier than hubby (due to job). I sit and read the comments and feel sorry for those posting these type comments because either your either married to a complete ar*e of a partner or youre just vindictive to his family!
What a great relationship either way!