Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

I found out very early on the DH didn't bother with cards or presents for his mother on her birthday or mothers' day and barely Christmas.
I told him to stop being so ungrateful and do it.
Now we have kids, I help them get stuff for grandma for birthday and Christmas but I'll be fucked if I get her anything from them for Mothers' Day, she's not their mother. I stopped reminding DH too, ages ago - up to him. We've been together 18 years, I guess I pushed him for the first 5 but not since the DC arrived.

@LouiseTrees

I mean he could go get a supermarket card. So first thing tomorrow say “ have you been to the supermarket to buy that card?”

but isn't that like a parent to child interaction; have you done your homework ? it's so hard for women to avoid being an organising, parent-type figure to their partners, which should be equal adult to adult, hence the word partner, or else to fall into being the perfect jeeves-type butler figure. it needs a conscious step away from these expectations.

I copy everything over to the new calendar every year. Happy for that to be named as one of my jobs. It includes all the birthdays and anniversaries. That's as far as I go. If a member of DH's family has a birthday coming up then he can see for himself on the calendar and it's up to him to remember to send a card and such. I stay out of it. Always have done.

I don't know why women ever take on all the card and present sending for their partner's family. I used to have to remind DH of his parents birthdays, but don't even do that any more. My SIL does it all, so I am probably frowned upon and blamed, but I'm not going out of my way for people who went out of their way to make me feel uncomfortable from day one. Also when FIL comes round, I get quizzed about family things as if it's all my responsibility and nothing to do with his son.

I used to do all the buying fo Dh's family, siblings, nieces and nephews and parents. I did it all. I always picked lovely thoughtful gifts.
They always thanked him. Never ever me. No acknowledgment whatsoever even though they knew it was me who did it.

So I stopped. And the year I decided to stop one sibling had a milestone birthday and was livid that they didn't get a present. Unfortunately for them, they had chosen that same year to ignore my birthday. I didn't remind Dh. And I never will again.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am totally confused. The first time I heard the term "wife work" was here on Mumsnet. Many people get postively venomous about sending a card to one of "his" relatives. And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain". Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives). Not being a servant, but sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 and sometimes even 90/10 in hard times. Is it so different now? Can you be truly married and go NC with his relatives for no other reason than they are "his"?

There's a book called 'Wife Work', you might like to read it .

But on the question about why anyone gets married, I doubt that doubling the amount of thinking, planning and organising they have to do is anyone's reason for doing so.

Unless you're working part time with no babies or toddlers to care for, there's absolutely no reason for the woman in a relationship to do all the card and gift buying, making of appointments, laundry etc for her male partner.

No way I'd send cards etc to DH'S family. Not a chance

be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives

^^

I think this is nice in principal - and may have been more applicable even 50 years ago - but the tables rather seemed to have turned to women not 'having it all', but instead doing it all. Women are not SAHM'S they're running the household and having a full time job. Last thing you need is to remember Aunt Mary's birthday card or whatever.

DH has always bought gifts and cards for his own family. He was doing it for years before we met. I might have even tried to take it over when we first married but he stayed true to doing it himself and now I am so grateful. Sometimes his family thank me for gifts and I always say dh got it.

@grassisjeweled

be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives

^^

I think this is nice in principal - and may have been more applicable even 50 years ago - but the tables rather seemed to have turned to women not 'having it all', but instead doing it all. Women are not SAHM'S they're running the household and having a full time job. Last thing you need is to remember Aunt Mary's birthday card or whatever.

This. I have a full time job. Why would I make my career progression harder and dhs easier by me also doing all the household load for him? We were early 20s when I stopped buying presents for his family. We went to an 18th in my family and I had of course bought a present from both of us, which he fully expected and asked at some point ‘what did we get her?’ We went to an 18th on his side and I asked that and he blinked and said I just went in with mum. It’s a task that is particularly representative of how selfish and inconsiderate many men can be. Why should we have an area of our life where I think about him and he can completely forget I exist or matter? There’s nothing mutual about that. Obviously we share the load much better now, but buying thoughtful presents is quite time and thought consuming as well as personal and we mostly do it for our own families.

and the people who objected to this, saying it's uncaring, why marry etc,
did you bring your sons up to be good friends to their pals, to remember their birthdays,
or did you just do it all for them, thus setting up the expectation that this is something that women do. not men.
as if it needs specifically female anatomy to buy and send cards/gifts.
it's a kind of infantilising that goes on towards men; poor things, you know what men are like, said with a smile; but if a woman fails to do it she is uncaring, no smile for that.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am totally confused. The first time I heard the term "wife work" was here on Mumsnet. Many people get postively venomous about sending a card to one of "his" relatives. And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain". Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives). Not being a servant, but sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 and sometimes even 90/10 in hard times. Is it so different now? Can you be truly married and go NC with his relatives for no other reason than they are "his"?

Yes, that's totally fine - provided it's not completely one sided. Too often it's one person (the woman) carrying all this load. There's nothing reciprocal or shared about it.

My dm once rang my db and his dw to ask why she hadn’t received a mother’s day card.
Dsil answered and dm started complaining.
Just a minute, says dsil, I’ll pass you to xxxx. She handed phone to db.

My dh used to leave card buying to me and I was silly enough to do it. Interestingly after I went nc with his db my dh has never forgotten his db’s birthday.

I know it's unusual

DH has always done his family and I've done mine.

Why would I start buying cards and presents and remembering all that stuff just because we're together? They're his family. And anyway he's better at it.

I haven't sent cards for years. It's fine.

I don't really get the cards thing if you're seeing people anyway.

Violet I think women’s role in society has changed. Most of my mums 70 year old friends were stay at home mums or carers for elderly relatives. While Most of my friends have have returned to work full ir part time to pay the bills after a years maternity leave. Elderly relatives are more often looked after in care homes these days also. For many running the home and looking after the children has become a shared task, with usually the female doing more to mixed extent. However with a wider range of responsibilities for women generally and being pulled in different directions it’s necessary to scale back to cope

I made it very clear at the beginning that we buy for our own side of the family. His always gets them a card about 2 days late because despite being organised for work he can't get organised at home and he only sends them when they remind him he has forgotten even though it's written on the calendar

And for the posters saying why not as you are married. I typically find it's an 'excuse' for doing all the shit work or for all the time you need to 'run a house'. Most of us are working full time so why take on more than a fair share especially when it takes up a lot of organisation and time. It's also reflective of the 'women's' and 'men's' out of date roles within the house which I don't agree with.

Well done OP.

I gave this up years ago.
My OH send no cards or gifts to his family.

My dh has 6 siblings, I have no idea when their birthdays are, they’re spread across Europe in various countries and don’t celebrate Christmas 🎉

I've never understood why women (and it's always women) start doing this in the first place.

I don't even know when DH's parents/siblings have their birthdays. If DH wants to organise them a card, he's free to do so, but it sure as hell isn't my job!

It would never occur to him to by my dad a birthday card, and rightly so!

The whole thing is bonkers to me.

@YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver your mistake was to ever do it in the first place. He has come to rely on you. You just need to gently let him know you won't be doing it any more. But do it kindly - having a strop and a sulk about it won't help your relationship.

I've been married 34 years and it has never crossed my, or my husband's mind, that I should be responsible for remembering and acknowledging his family birthdays/Christmas etc. Baffles me why women take on this sort of life admin for men. And to the posters who say it's what couples do in a partnership, how many men do you think take this on for their wives?

Good for you OP.

I’ve never done this. I also leave saying thank you for presents DH’s side give DS to him (although MIL sometimes does it for him ).

Good for you OP. I decided this would happen after I had dc because I couldn't take the extra work. My dh promptly forgot his mums birthday, of course she blames me any time she doesn't get something now.
Ridiculous.

@SuperHighway I always did it because I felt bad someone would end up without their birthday being acknowledged but I get your point.

Ynabu op

I used to do the present buying when I was a student as I had more flexibility than dh. I still make a photo calendar for his family at xmas but he now does all the gifts. I'm ft too and now he has more flexibility.