Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

My dh has always sent his own cards and bought his own presents for his family. It wouldn’t occur to me to do it for him. I’m not his personal assistant.

Well done OP. The really important bit is not just doing it, but also genuinely not caring when he fucks up and someone doesn't get a card / present.

I do cards and gifts at Christmas for those of his family whom I really adore now, where we have a relationship with in our own right. That took a decade, though; I had done nothing until then. I started sending birthday flowers to his Mum after his Dad died - I am not letting the poor woman go unacknowledged. But I have never once, in all these many years, called her about anything, ever. He doesn't often do so, either. I am not getting in the middle of whatever that is.

On nights when dh is cooking (every other night), he will often ask, What were you thinking of for dinner? Whatever you cook, I will answer. I am not planning out meals you are cooking, sorry. You do the mental work.

I always did it because I felt bad someone would end up without their birthday being acknowledged but I get your point.

What happened before he met you? Why couldn't that continue, whatever it was?

I do cards and gifts at Christmas for those of his family whom I really adore now, where we have a relationship with in our own right. Does your DH do the same for your family?

I took up this role when the children were small and I had more time however my work hours crept up and in 2019 after a stressful Christmas I told him that I have no idea why I buy presents for his side of the family I have no idea what they like you're more likely to do a better job so that's how it happened for us. I did jokingly make his family aware its all his responsibility now so if they don't get a gift then don't come pointing the finger at me. It has been totally fine( apart from a late gift for his dad) but obviously covid so it hasn't been a normal year but he knows I'm not reminding him or buying anything. Hold your ground.

We've always just sorted out presents for our respective sides. After dh forgot his dsis's bday one year, he set up reminders on his phone. No bloody way would I have it any other way.

It’s threads like this that make me grateful that I married the man I did. Never once have I had to do his life admin. Between us we share the children’s birthdays and Xmases etc.

He even sorts out the weekly online food shop. Every morning he makes me a cup of tea whilst I’m still in bed (he’s a morning person). He irons, and hoovers. I cook, do laundry and clean kitchen and bathrooms.

I’m his second wife though and he freely admits he learned the hard way the first time around.

The problem is if I don’t organise it, it doesn’t happen. DH is an only child and poor MIL would get nothing. For some reason he finds this kind of thing incredibly stressful to the point where he just can’t get his arse into gear to do it. I do get sick of reminding him and he still won’t take action because he has literally no idea where to start. So I usually send him a link to something and say “how about buy this for MIL?”.

It’s her 70th this month so need to get on him to do something about it. Is it my job? No! But if I don’t badger / help him to find something she will spend her birthday totally alone with zero gifts which seems a bit sad to me.

yes op! the country's too obsessed with cards anyway. imo, i think they're a bit twee.
you've been working flat out saving lives, thank you just doesn't cover it. maybe a silly card would help

when his family comment about the lack of card you can look really shocked and surprised and say "omg did he not get you a card? thats awful!" and leave an awkward silence.

The only thing you were unreasonable about was doing it in the first place.

I come from a big family, so does DH. No bloody chance I would be taking it all on.

I did at cards don't come out of vaginas. Men really have no excuse anymore. The Internet is open 24/7 and you can arrange arrange card and flowers/chocolate for next day delivery in the time it takes to have a 20 minute shit.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am totally confused. The first time I heard the term "wife work" was here on Mumsnet. Many people get postively venomous about sending a card to one of "his" relatives. And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain". Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives). Not being a servant, but sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 and sometimes even 90/10 in hard times. Is it so different now? Can you be truly married and go NC with his relatives for no other reason than they are "his"?

Its never 50/50 though with wifework, its women doing all the domestic chores, shopping,meals,childcare, family gifts often working in addition while Billy Bigballs just goes to WORK. Ive put work in capitals because his work is soooo important. I got married because I loved DH and we wanted to have a family life together not to be his servant.

i dont believe anybody works a 56 hour week plus on call for intensive care. cant your Trust afford a few locums ?

It’s mad how, in 2021, this is still considered ‘wife work’! No,you shouldn’t do it. I no longer buy cards or gifts for DH’s family, because they are his family. This usually means that they don’t get cards or gifts, because he forgets or can’t be bothered. I feel bad about this - briefly - but soon get over it. His family, his job.

This thread makes me wonder alot. I completely understand the not being expected to send cards and do the whole wife work thing. But genuinely, there are a fair few people saying they don't know or care even when their dh parents or siblings birthdays are? Am I particularly lucky that I love my in laws dearly and know when their birthdays are? Dh sorts their cards and I sort my side. But I know. And If I asked my friends
They would know.

My dh has always sent his own cards and bought his own presents for his family. It wouldn’t occur to me to do it for him. I’m not his personal assistant.
Absolutely!

I've never taken over the cards and presents task as completely mine in terms of 'wifework'. It is definitely my DH' s responsibility to send cards and presents to his side of the family. I will sometimes offer help with present ideas, though/sometimes purchase several of a generic present and I have purchased multi packs of cards for our family to use. I did tell my DH about how you can print postal labels off through the post office too which has helped us in the pandemic before that I would often give him one if the stamps from my wallet.

I have never bought presents/cards for my DH's side of the family, can''t imagine why anyone would.

Yanbu.

100% YANBU! Good for you!

I don't buy cards/gifts for my partner's family and never have. He did this before we got together then suddenly stopped. I don't even think he expected me to do it as he's never asked but they don't get anything.

@beepbeepaleep

This thread makes me wonder alot. I completely understand the not being expected to send cards and do the whole wife work thing. But genuinely, there are a fair few people saying they don't know or care even when their dh parents or siblings birthdays are? Am I particularly lucky that I love my in laws dearly and know when their birthdays are? Dh sorts their cards and I sort my side. But I know. And If I asked my friends They would know.

In many cases the DH expects the DW to maintain their relationships with their family though. Organise events, meeting up, presents etc.

Thats just sheer laziness

For years I sent all the cards and presents to DH’s family (had a full time job plus two kids and did most of the house work too...) until my 40th birthday when his 33 year old brother (single, childless) didn’t send me anything - not even a card or a message. It became apparent that MiL had been sending all the cards and gifts on DH’s brother’s behalf to everyone in the family which irritated me more - he’s a bloody man child and MIl indulges him in everything .... so I’ve stopped. No idea why she didn’t send me a 40th card or gift from him - maybe she just forgot but either way I was massively annoyed.

Now they get a gift (if DH remembers) but no cards because DH doesn’t want to send them and they are a waste of money. Fine by me. I sort all of my family’s cards and gifts.

We always do gifts and cards for
Our own families. Always have, always will: I'll help choose sometimes or remind him but his family is his job. I have my own rabble to sort out

I do cards and gifts at Christmas for those of his family whom I really adore now, where we have a relationship with in our own right. Does your DH do the same for your family?

No he doesn't. And he doesn't have a close relationship with any of them, his or mine. I do. My family sends me cards and gifts on my birthday while his goes laregly unremarked. His family do the same, send me cards on my biŕthday and ring me for a chat, or offer help, or invite me out. They send him a card, usually.

One of dh's brothers got a divorce seven years ago. We all still see former SIL (who we exchanged cards and gifts with) all the time. We still exchange cards and gifts, because we are all family. His brother? Haven't even seen him in 4 years.

I'm not doing any of it for dh. I do it for me, for the friendship and companionship and love I get out of these relationships. I'm not throwing all the energy down a well for an ungrateful lot who expect me to do his wifework, nor would I.