Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

@threecee

i dont believe anybody works a 56 hour week plus on call for intensive care. cant your Trust afford a few locums ?

I’m not ITU but work in a respiratory ward/high care. Unfortunately there aren’t any locums to be had! We’ve gone from 1 consultant at weekends to 4 as we have more than double our usual space. We don’t have any more consultants, they are just doing every other weekend. Plus their normal hours in the week plus extra evenings and on call overnight.

Me too beepbeep. I think it's very sad to not know your PIL's birthdays and not even care.

@Anydreamwilldo12

Me too beepbeep. I think it's very sad to not know your PIL's birthdays and not even care.

Not sad for the DHs who forget or dont care though! 🙄

I used to do all of the cards. But one day my husband was annoyed because I forgot his step fathers birthday ( I literally just had a baby). From that day on I said you do your family and I'll do mine. Best thing I ever did. It took him a couple of years and missed birthdays, and an annoying phase of, do you have a card and a stamp (the day before a birthday)?! But I did not give in! He does it with no problems now.

I do the cards and presents for my husband's family, and am happy to do it. BUT:

• I do very little household stuff generally. DH does 99% the cooking, food shopping, laundry, DIY, household admin e.g. council tax, because he's better at it and also my job is more intense than his.

• neither of us have much family. So the only cards/presents I need to get for his side are for his parents.

• he is great with the vast majority of things (see above) but has a blind spot with presents and cards.

• his parents are really kind to me, and always send me a lovely card and present on my birthday, so when I do the same I'm sort of doing it on my own behalf as well as his.

I think the reason some people are so anti-sending cards etc is they feel put upon for everything else and this is just one more thing. But I don't understand the position of 'I don't give a shit if they get a card/present' unless you don't like the person anyway. I mean, don't you want to send a card from you?

@beepbeepaleep

This thread makes me wonder alot. I completely understand the not being expected to send cards and do the whole wife work thing. But genuinely, there are a fair few people saying they don't know or care even when their dh parents or siblings birthdays are? Am I particularly lucky that I love my in laws dearly and know when their birthdays are? Dh sorts their cards and I sort my side. But I know. And If I asked my friends They would know.

I don't know any of my in-laws birthdays. They don't acknowledge my birthday either lol. It doesn't remotely bother me 🤷🏻‍♀️

DH isn't close to his siblings and I've only met them maybe twice in the five years we've known each other so it would be utterly bizarre if I was to start buying them gifts

Different families work in different ways. I buy for my parents (I don't have siblings) and DH. The rest of my family are overseas and we agreed years ago not to waste money on cards and gifts.

DH doesn't buy for his family but they don't buy for him either. That's just the way things have always been.

Makes things much simpler and nobody gets offended or left out.

@Anydreamwilldo12

Me too beepbeep. I think it's very sad to not know your PIL's birthdays and not even care.

Is it sad that they don't acknowledge or care about my birthday either?

I see my in laws pretty much everyday (outside of COVID) we're just not big on birthdays or cards or presents.

It doesn't mean I don't care about them or like them as people.

@threecee

i dont believe anybody works a 56 hour week plus on call for intensive care. cant your Trust afford a few locums ?

Umm, where have you been for the last year? Demand for intensive care has been rather high during the pandemic against a background of increased sickness and self isolation. It stands to reason that the remaining extra staff will have had to do extra hours. It's not like there's a load of spare medical staff sitting around waiting to be called up.

DH is an only child and poor MIL would get nothing. For some reason he finds this kind of thing incredibly stressful to the point where he just can’t get his arse into gear to do it

Does he have a job? Does he manage to do it to a basic level of competency to avoid getting fired? If yes, he's perfectly capable of organising flowers, chocolates or other treats, plus a card for Christmas, birthdays and Mother's Day even if he can't manage to choose something more specific.

It's not something that's beyond the capability of the average man, it's just something they've realised that if if they don't do it, a woman might do it for them.

YANBU but if you CARE what his family think that's an achilles heel.

You need to not care. I think you sound very close to that point.

I used to put so much effort into buying presents for mine and on a limited budget so I had to shop around. My ex used to say to everyone that he was going to Rackhams on a certain date and what did they want. It meant no surprises and if you didn't get your order in then you would get nothing. It worked well though. I did mine, he did his and anything else I added to the list Rackhams. My son does his on Amazon and can usually think of a surprise or two by listening to people.

I'm so glad you've told him. This is the new world and they will find out if he is bothered.

I stopped doing this sort of wife work. Best thing ever.

I am amazed that people even care if they get a card or not from adult siblings ... I don't strop if my DB doesn't send me a card one year (we gave up on gifts years ago) surely normal adults don't really get upset about these sorts of things?

@Chimeraforce

Yanbu. My partners mum gave me a book with the names, addresses and birthdays of all his relatives. I just looked at her and asked why she thought I needed it. I suggested she give it to her son. End of. If her son won't marry me after 25 years I'm certainly not doing wife work.

A guy I worked with years ago, his mum did this for him. Every new year he'd get a box with a list of names and dates but she also added the cards in there so all he had to do it write them 🤣

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am totally confused. The first time I heard the term "wife work" was here on Mumsnet. Many people get postively venomous about sending a card to one of "his" relatives. And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain". Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives). Not being a servant, but sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 and sometimes even 90/10 in hard times. Is it so different now? Can you be truly married and go NC with his relatives for no other reason than they are "his"?

I just thought I’d say that at 30 I feel the same as you :) although I feel I am in a minority.

I’m sure many women are seething that I dare go against ‘feminism’ (whatever that may mean to different people nowadays) but each to their own. I definitely married to share my entire life with my husband and am grateful he is happy to do that with me.

I had years of sending his family cards etc. One day I woke up and wondered why I was such a mug, so I just stopped. I didn’t tell him I’d stopped, he worked it out when his adult siblings were kicking off for not getting a card. Pathetic.

Did he start sending the cards @DinosaurDiana?

Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives)

Well I don't know about you but I married expecting to be in a partnership, not to be a surrogate mother to an adult male.

Years ago DPs mum handed me a calendar, it was around Christmas time. She said all the birthdays and anniversaries are listed in it.
I smiled and handed it to DP and told him this is for you.

Btw when I looked in it, my birthday wasnt listed. Yes of course I know my own birthday, but did she do this for every woman in the family? Was mine missed off all the calendars?

I will never know.
Anyway I get the better end of this deal, he has about 50 family to buy for, I have 6.
To be fair to him, hes never missed one that I know of, but I think siblings and parents remind him a few weeks before.

No one in current times has any excuse to forget someones birthday etc, with the endless possibilities of the internet theres always cards and flowers to buy among many other possible presents. And within 24 hours it can be delivered to the recipients door.
And not even cost the earth, no excuses.

The key thing is, would he do this stuff for you if you didn’t? If he would then fair dos. The trouble is that a large proportion of men would let their wife deal with remembering Mother’s Day and sending a card to Aunty Linda if she would do it for them, but if their wife hasn’t got time/doesn’t remember, they wouldn’t do it for her.

We split this years ago and each deal with our own families - remembering cards, gifts etc and frequency of visits. It makes things so much easier. I’ve always worked full time, I’m the high earner, and also my in laws don’t like me. So part of it is about not having time and part is about just not opening myself up to criticism of why don’t we visit more often or they didn’t like a gift I chose.

And not even cost the earth, no excuses.

If anyone has 50 people to buy for, like your DH, that would cost the earth, to be honest.

I definitely married to share my entire life with my husband and am grateful he is happy to do that with me.

Yes, so did I, but I didn't marry him to take on the work of sending birthday cards to Great Uncle George.

Does your husband remember to send cards to your extended family?

I’m sure many women are seething that I dare go against ‘feminism’ (whatever that may mean to different people nowadays) but each to their own. I definitely married to share my entire life with my husband and am grateful he is happy to do that with me.
What a weird attitude you have. Seething? Why do you think people would care? I don't understand at all how that is "daring to go against feminism". You seem to be suggesting that it is feminist to NOT think that men are incompetent idiots.

I've been married over 30 years. Haven't sent a card to anyone in the last ten at least I decided it was a waste of paper (but I do donate to local charity each year instead)
DH does send them to his and I neither organise nor remind him. He also organises any presents for his side, though we have scaled that right down now, and I do my family. I do get the presents for our (grown up) kids as I work fewer hours and enjoy planning it.
Works for us!

Shrug and put it out of your mind. It's his problem.

Men do this. I constantly get things like 'oh we need milk'. I'm then supposed to jump up and run to the shop, or nip to the shop on my way to or from work or even in my lunch hour. Once upon a time I would've done it. No more. My work is manic these days and tbh I'm not getting any olderso don't have the same energy.

Now I just pretend I haven't heard him 😂