Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

Nuts you don't have to. Especially as your ILs don't seem to appreciate it anyway.

1. Who the hell communicates that they don’t like a card?! It’s a fucking card, it ends up in the bin.

1. Why are you sending anything to people who fall into category 1 above!

It would cause WW3!

Tell DH it is his job to sort out cards for his family - no exceptions.

When WW3 threatens to break out just point them in DH’s direction and say cards are his area now.

When I first met DH he told me his family has a thing about cards!

Beat them in their own game and start WW3 due to their rudeness. What exactly are they going to do, complain? They complain anyway.

You are just right-enough on your plate and remembering his’s family’s gifts is not your job. Grown man and if he forgets he should write dates in a diary to keep ahead

Great, he knows how important they are so he’ll be able to sort it.

If he has a phone there is even a handy calendar function so he can set himself reminders for everyone’s birthdays, even repeat reminders if he is worried he might forget and cause WW3. Job done!

I don’t know which shop she goes to but MIL buys all her cards in the Jan sales, big picture ones “ to darling son from his parents” “to my daughter in law” etc. with a long gooey poem message in side, and she write and adresses them, and sticks them on the dresser in date order to send out. If you go round their house, she’ll point them out as she’s so proud of them!

@Nutswholehazenuts

It would cause WW3!

I seriously would not care one iota what people who are that bonkers think about anything.

@Nutswholehazenuts

It would cause WW3!

So - who gives a shit?

Honestly, my DH did not choose to marry me because I was the sort of weak no-life who would scurry around after him and his family timidly. I am the leading lady in my own life and my DH loves and respects me for that. If you choose to be the sort of woman who grovels to other people, you will attract a man who finds that attractive. It is a big no from me to any man who would rather wed a subordinate than an equal.

Let WW3 happen.
It isn't your war to fight in.

I wish I could leave it to my DH but nobody would get anything for Christmas and birthdays;I like my in laws so I make sure they get something otherwise I'd just leave it.

My husband goes around with his eyes closed;we used to have a medium sized cabinet full of dvds in a room full of kids dvds but I rehomed them all about 2 years ago as thé kids had out grown them and the cabinet was under moved under the the stairs.

When I asked the husband to take the cabinet to the tip a few weeks ago he asked me where all the DVD's were and why I'd moved the cabinet:he hadn't noticed;he only went into that room daily so obviously it was hard to notice 🙄

The tactic works so well - if you care much less about something than someone else does then chances are they will do it for you!

You then get these weird situations where someone will say “I like my in laws so I don’t want them to go without a card/present”, the implication being that their DH, who presumably loves his parents, doesn’t really give a shit if they don’t get a present.

These DHs presumably don’t think of themselves as awful, uncaring people, and presumably their wives don’t think they are awful, uncaring people either. But they are willing to accept that their DH’s just don’t care as much as they do, and so they take on the burden and get stressed about it and feel resentful about it but, crucially, 9 times out of 10, they will still keep on doing it. It’s so frustrating.

I like my inlaws.
Not enough to take on all the emotional labour of cards and presents though.
Does your DH not like his family given than he doesn't bother doing any of this and has outsourced it so easily to you?

We don’t do cards. For anyone even our kids. I wrote a thread about this before, it was funny.

I used to do cards/presents for my exes family. I haven’t in my new relationship. I know his family and we get on. But I don’t do cards and he doesn’t either and they know that. There has been the odd time his mum will say we need to get such and such a card, they like them, and DP has said can you pick up a card. Unless I’m in the shop anyway my answer is no, not my family, not my issue, don’t do cards for my own family and neither do you, so if you want to appease someone with it, knock yourself out but don’t ask me to do it.

I think theyve got used to it now and whilst there might be some disappointment, it is what it is. We do plenty of others IMO more meaningful things like throwing parties or hosting family get together just so eveyrone can spend time together.

Maybe some men confuse the word Wife with Mother.

thenewduchessofhastings
Does he miss deadlines at work? Does he fail to have the required reports/materials for tasks or meetings? Probably not.

He's opted out of birthdays etc because he considers it something you will do for him.

Would be be oblivious if the office changed? Or the printer moved? Or if relevant supplies had moved? Of course not. He would notice.

Take the domestic element and turn it into workplace situations and magically these men manage to function perfectly fine because it's bloody embarrassing for a grown man to need someone reminding him dozens of times to do a job.

Before these men had female partners they were more than capable of existing as a grown adult. They have conveniently outsourced domestic responsibilities because it suits them.

I do the cards and presents but I don't do as much around the house and DH literally wouldn't send anything if I didn't.
None of his friends get BD cards (I don't do these for him) even though they send to him.
I don't send a lot, his family don't gift after 18, so it's mainly just Xmas cards and 2 presents. And I'll remind him to text HBD to the relevant family.
In return he does 90% of the cleaning, laundry and ironing. More than 50% of childcare and running around to clubs etc. Probably a bit less than 50% of the cooking as I like to batch cook on my day off so we heat a lot rather than cook nightly. He cleans the kitchen after me. He does the bins and cleans the cars, I do the dusting......sometimes but not as much as he hoovers and mops.
Doing Xmas and remembering a few birthdays is easy, they're all in the calendar that I update yearly.
Do I have to remind him when DC are swimming and what time to drop off and pick up? Yes. Do I mind or think it's wife work? Nope cos he does more wife work than me.
However would I do all my jobs if he didn't pull his weight........hell no.

I thought it was a man bashing a woman when I came on this thread. You are right though. There are online services. There are shops open. Funky pigeon are good but post is slow...he could always just send a card online and blame it on slow Post and text or Facebook message them Happy birthday. What I do normally is buy the 10 cards for a quid when card factory is open then there's always a card in the house (1.cos I'm a cheapskate & 2) cos I don't always remember/don't always have the money to spend £3 on am emergency card ).

To be honest I'd just show him this (your) post, it's very self explanatory.

@YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver What happened at the weekend? Did sibling get a card (from DH), and did his family mention it?

Who gives a shit about birthday cards?

Only worth having if there's money inside

And just to add, going back a couple of years I was aware the MIL's birthday was coming up - it was on the calendar where he'd write upcoming football fixtures and nights out with his friends, and FFS you should kind of remember when your parents' birthdays are - but I didn't say anything as I had sorted cards and presents out for years and had decided his family were not my responsibility.

The MIL's birthday came and went, and a couple of days after he said, "Oh no, we've forgotten my mum's birthday!" No, love, you have forgotten your* mother's birthday! Really wound me up

Iam I bet he managed to remember the nights out with friends just fine