Wife work.. not my issue anymore

[YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver]

I work extremely hard at the moment with covid etc. I work 4 long days a week from 7am til 9 plus on call for intensive care. I do not have time to give a shit about the house or DHs family things.

Last year when it all kicked off I still did things like send a moon pig card, small present from us both etc. I moved out last March to a hotel and stayed there til October so it felt the nice thing to do

Then at Christmas AFTER I'd bought all the fucking presents for his family he announces they're not doing Christmas presents this year and not to worry about it. So I sent them all back and told him he was doing it all from now on. Then we got some presents from his siblings and his parents but we didnt have anything to give them because they weren't doing presents and he got in a mood.

I've made it patently clear that he lives in the house too and although he's a key worker (court system) he needs to pull his weight now I'm back home (his vulnerable parents moved to his brothers house). Im not doing the shopping now, I'm not doing lists, he lives here too, he has eyes.

But mostly I'm not sending cards to his family for birthdays. He agreed with me about this and then announces tonight 'oh we haven't sent xx a card for Monday' it's his sibling.. no DH YOU haven't sent a card. I know his family will mention it at the weekend but I will direct them to him, it's not my job.

The 'Terrible Thanks For Asking' podcast is doing a series on exactly this at the moment – first episode came out this week

The woman she's interviewing interviewed hundreds of women and put together a spreadsheet of all the wifework they all did, and presented it to her husband:

"It took me about nine months. And eventually it became a spreadsheet that had 98 tabs. You can picture Excel, the tabs in the bottom. And 2000 items of invisible work. Yeah. Two thousand items. And I titled it “The Shit I Do” spreadsheet. I decided to send it off to Seth one day. He didn’t even know I was doing this. This 19 million megabyte spreadsheet. And I sent it to him with a subject line in this email, "Can't wait to discuss." "

It's a damn good listen - highly recommend.

Wow I’m shocked this goes on and seems to be a majority of posters saying they do things like this for their husband / have done / are expected to? Wtf

I’ve never done anything like this - I don’t even know when his brothers birthdays are tbh - he does and if he’s sending a gift or card does it himself - il send a happy bday text at most 😂
Same with his mum for bdays and Christmas - that’s on him

He actually helps me with choosing a gift for my dad each occasion as he’s better at coming up with ideas for him 😂

These men must be such mammies boys - are used to get doing everything for them and now the wife is meant to take over

We just don’t do presents or even cards really to family. We’re grown-ups.

Are you trying to imply that anyone who exchanges cards and/or presents with their family every year isn't a grown-up?

YANBU OP. In this house I do cards and presents for my side of the family, dh does his side. This has never been a problem, because we are (equal) grown-ups.

Me and DH both work full time (same hours) and have a young DD. I do all the usual ‘wife work’ stuff on top- meal planning/shopping list, nursery admin, manage our rental property and tenant, arrange cleaners, do the laundry etc.

I arrange all cards and presents for my own family and used to remind/help him with his. However I refuse to now. I’m too busy, it’s not my responsibility and I’m fed up with it.

A few years ago DH’s step mum messaged me directly (not him) to remind me to buy presents for her grandkids for when we all got together at Christmas. That was the straw that broke the camels back... why was she messaging me and not him? Oh yeah, because I’m the woman. Since then I refuse to get involved with any presents on his side of the family.

I do the cards and presents here, but quite frankly even though they are his family they are my family too and I wish to buy them cards and presents, we get on well, there are things we do where my husband does it. But this simply isn’t a task I object to, I like doing it.

I definitely married to share my entire life with my husband and am grateful he is happy to do that with me

This type of "entire life" sharing only ever goes in one direction though. You don't hear about men buying cards/gifts for their wife's family because now they're married they're sharing their entire life....

I can see how this happens, trying to make a good impression/embarrassed that it wouldn't get done otherwise/feel like it's your job as a SAHM for example. I just never started, I'm sure if I had my DH would happily leave it to me, but since I never started, he gets on with it much as he did when single.

In the first glow of married bliss I enthusiastically took on a lot of wife work because I'd seen my mother doing the Christmas card and sundry other stuff my entire life. I then had a busy time at work one Christmas with a lot of overtime and the cards just weren't sent and we got no comments at all. I stopped doing them entirely. I don't remind dh of anyone's birthday and without it being decided I look after what I want to do in terms of cards and leave him to do his bit.
I haven't a clue when the birthdays on his side are, that doesn't mean we don't get on well and enjoy each others company.

I know very few husbands who shop for the wives family

@Heyahun

Wow I’m shocked this goes on and seems to be a majority of posters saying they do things like this for their husband / have done / are expected to? Wtf

I’ve never done anything like this - I don’t even know when his brothers birthdays are tbh - he does and if he’s sending a gift or card does it himself - il send a happy bday text at most 😂
Same with his mum for bdays and Christmas - that’s on him

He actually helps me with choosing a gift for my dad each occasion as he’s better at coming up with ideas for him 😂

These men must be such mammies boys - are used to get doing everything for them and now the wife is meant to take over

It's not just about gifts and cards, though.

It's things like...

Who in your household is most likely to know how much fabric softener is left?
When someone can't find their jeans, whose name do they shout?
And whose name will be yelled in a "Awwww!" way when it's discovered that there's no ketchup left?
Who does the school / pharmacy call first about your kids?
Who knows what time X's swimming lesson is, and the name of the teacher?

It's far broader than gifts and cards, and it's subtle as hell –until it's not. I'd be very surprised to meet a hetero family where this division wasn't present in some way.

I realised I had to be prepared to let 'the balls drop' for this message to be taken seriously. DH forgot his father's 70th. And his mother's. I feel dreadful for them (they are lovely people) but I have a large extended family on my side to take care of, and we both work ft. It's his bad, not mine.

My ex walked out last year leaving me with two small children and in financial ruin. A couple of weeks before Christmas he asked me what I had got his family for Christmas. I hardly had the money to feed my children.

I have all birthdays for my side and his side in my diary. I might remind him of one if I happen to notice it, but he's pretty on top of that stuff tbh. I'm fond of his family, and I wouldn't like them to miss out on cards and presents, but it's still dh's job to do it.

I make a joint note on my phone for Christmas present ideas that DH and I write things on. If one of us thinks of something (for either side of the family), we put it there and then one of us will buy it. I actually enjoy buying presents for people so I do come up with most of the ideas.

A couple of years ago, I decided to stop doing Christmas cards apart from to immediate family from DDs (usually a handmade card or a design of theirs made into a card). DH said he thought there were a few people we should still send a card to. I told him to go ahead. Oh no! He meant I should do it. Nope!

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee he’s a bit of an out of sight out of mind type of person!

However we are married and are a partnership, a team, we work off each other’s strengths and weaknesses. He thinks cards are a waste of money, I don’t so I deal with that, I can’t cook to save myself, he deals with that. Decorating isn’t my forte so he deals with that but picking furniture and pulling ideas together are my strength so I do that.

Isn’t that what being married is all about? Dh’s family are my family now too and dh present picking skills aren’t the best whereas I love choosing gifts for others.

@evenBetter

So many women choose to take on the burden of remembering, thinking, buying and arranging tat for their boyfriend/husbands relatives, it’s insanity. And the men who encourage this are pathetic. Are they doing the same for the woman’s relatives? Thought not. Educate him that cards don’t come out of vaginas, and he can arrange the tat delivery to whomever he wishes, at any hour of the day or night. Don’t opt in to this farce, the rest of us are sick of listening to the moaning about it.

Cards don't come out of vaginas...🤣

@user1471462428

My ex walked out last year leaving me with two small children and in financial ruin. A couple of weeks before Christmas he asked me what I had got his family for Christmas. I hardly had the money to feed my children.

Blimey! What did you reply to that?!

I don't see she's family as mine at all. I married him and don't believe this "marrying into the family" view some people have. We all get on fine but it's still not my look out if dh wants to send them cards and presents.

I’ve done exactly the same thing with presents for his side of the family. Now his responsibility. And I’ve told everyone on his side (particularly mil!) that it is now down to him. So if you don’t get a card/present it’s down to my DH!

Isn’t that what being married is all about? Dh’s family are my family now too and dh present picking skills aren’t the best whereas I love choosing gifts for others.

I'm sure he managed perfectly well before you came along.

And no, I didn't get married to take on the job of buying cards and presents for someone else's parents. Bonkers!

I hope you found the funny side of the double presents thing @starfishmummy

Personally I've never done cards/presents for DP's family, we've been together 25+ years but why would I organise his stuff? I genuinely think a lot of this stuff happens because women for some reason take it on, then it all gets too much and kick off - don't do it in the first place.

Hmmm I suppose so @YouhavenoauthorityJackieWeaver
I don’t feel like that in my house tbh - we run out of something, one of us goes out to the shop to get it

Husband does most of the cooking tbh - he enjoys it - I hate it

I quite enjoy cleaning and am happy to do the laundry if it means I don’t cook

I definitely would never fold or put his laundry away for him though.

If we are to tired after a busy week or the house goes to shit - we just order takeaway in or get a one off cleaner in then we both don’t have to do anything.

My mother used to talk about "unencumbered" men and I didn't understand what she meant. Now I do.

• Men who can nip out at a moment's notice with just a key fob and a wallet in the back pocket, while his wife locks the back door, checks the gass oven is off, gathers up the children, supervises them getting in to coats hats and gloves, fills a Kong toy for the dog, remembers the recycling bags for the supermarket. Man then complains she's taking too long.

Lunch time in a London media firm. All the wives used to go off and buy things at local supermarket for dinner that night, or collect dry cleaning, or collect prescriptions for a family member, or buy one of the DC , or their friends, a birthday present. The blokes used to stroll out and go for a long lunch with a colleague.

Weekend afternoon. Man goes off on his shiny sports bike for a two hour ride leaving wife to go on a nice walk with the DC and the dog. She clears up the lunch table before she goes and puts a wash on while she's at it. And then she might as well start the dinner prep.

Cards and presents is just another version of the above. Wife does bulk of Christmas shopping, cards, presents, extra cooking, decorating etc, man sits down to enjoy. If man does buy a present, it's done in a rush at the eleventh hour.

^ OK those are all generalisations but they are recognisable ones.

The whole thing about leaving it to men is another example too , ...because we know, with very few exceptions, that they just don't bother.

*Who in your household is most likely to know how much fabric softener is left?
When someone can't find their jeans, whose name do they shout?
And whose name will be yelled in a "Awwww!" way when it's discovered that there's no ketchup left?
Who does the school / pharmacy call first about your kids?
Who knows what time X's swimming lesson is, and the name of the teacher?

It's far broader than gifts and cards, and it's subtle as hell –until it's not. I'd be very surprised to meet a hetero family where this division wasn't present in some way.*

I can confidently answer DH for all of these questions. In fact, DD has just this second shouted ‘Daddy, there’s no socks’.

We each buy cards/presents for our own sides. I can only just about remember the birthdays of my immediate family, let alone anyone else’s.

@GeorgiaGirl52

I am totally confused. The first time I heard the term "wife work" was here on Mumsnet. Many people get postively venomous about sending a card to one of "his" relatives. And then there is the "let him wash his own clothes, sort out his own meals, make his own appointments, etc. cause he has a brain". Why do you get married then? If all you want to do is share a roof and a bed, why not just be roommates? I am old - almost 70 - and I think of marriage as sharing your finances, doing things for each other, caring about each other (and each other's relatives). Not being a servant, but sometimes 50/50 and sometimes 60/40 and sometimes even 90/10 in hard times. Is it so different now? Can you be truly married and go NC with his relatives for no other reason than they are "his"?

So be honest. In your 50/50 relationship, splitting work equally, did your DH ever do the present and card buying for your siblings/Mum/Great aunt Ethel without you needing to ask him or let him know when the birthday is? Is it really, truly so equal or did you just do it all because he does other stuff?

100% agree with you OP.