WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

[JasmineHoneysuckleManure]

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

Reply with "Thank you for your email. As I explained at , insisted on wearing that dress to meet you. She had other warm clothes on her at the time I handed her over and is in no way neglected".

Say no more.

I did send a reply along those lines, but just wondering if my thinking is off and actually I should throw the dress away, as he suggests.

@CruCru

Reply with "Thank you for your email. As I explained at , insisted on wearing that dress to meet you. She had other warm clothes on her at the time I handed her over and is in no way neglected".

Say no more.

This. Don’t rise to him.

Tell him he can tell her she’s not wearing it then.
Maybe you could say the dress is just for indoors now as it’s so torn as wearing it outside will make it fall to bits quicker then she can’t wear it at all. Although if she’s anything like my son she’ll have a reason why that’s bot true.

No your thinking isn’t off, who cares? Kids get attached to things and right now who wants to take anything away from them.

You can chuck it in the summer when there’s more fun stuff going on.

Don’t keep replying now.

I’d have done the same. As long as she has weather appropriate clothing, you don’t need to buy heads over a dress to keep dad happy. She’s not dressing for her dad she’s dressing for her.

I wouldn't personally take my children out in ripped clothes although like you I do let them choose their own warmth level and just bring a coat etc. It's not neglect if she's warm enough and generally has appropriate clothes but I can see why he wasn't that pleased.

We had this. He even told me at one stage he'd give me "extra" money to stop dressing our DC like "tramps" and if I didn't want to accept the money he would buy them new clothes every month. Never happened.

Its just a way to try and get to you.

Can you get another similar dress?

I wouldn’t let my children wear torn clothes unsuitable for the weather to be honest, clothes don’t have to be new or expensive but they should be clean, fit, be in a good state of repair and weather appropriate.
I think if you sent your child to nursery or school in winter in a summer dress with rips in it they would note it as a concern.

The best thing to do is get rid of damaged clothing and pack away unsuitable clothes.

Well yes - his message was all about how embarrassing it was for him etc etc, and no thought for how she feels - which is typical of him. I'm afraid I thought (but didn't say) I don't give a shit how he feels - contact is for the children's benefit and they need to be happy. If I'd had a row with her about it (I knew he'd react this way which is why I explained at handover) then they'd have been late, she'd have been upset, and she might have refused to go at all.

Can you get another similar dress?

‘Dear’ dad can trawl the internet and buy it if he is so bothered.

The wording of what OP ‘proposes’ to do about it pisses me off. What a bastard.

Say "Oh I know that blimmin dress. She always wants to wear it. Next time you see her take her to Asda to get a new one. She'll probably listen to you. Ha Ha"
(Result - new dress, he pays for it, makes him feel smug because he got her to agree to a new dress!)

If it was completely my choice I would not dress her in it, but she feels so strongly about it, and at the moment enjoying her pretty dresses is one of the few joys in her life.

@Ilovemaisie

Say "Oh I know that blimmin dress. She always wants to wear it. Next time you see her take her to Asda to get a new one. She'll probably listen to you. Ha Ha" (Result - new dress, he pays for it, makes him feel smug because he got her to agree to a new dress!)

A very good idea which assumes he is a reasonable person. Unfortunately we have had similar issues in the past with him being unhappy with their clothes (not ripped) and he has declined the invite to take them shopping himself.

Which is why clothes take up an awful lot of landfill and clothing manufacture uses up to most of the worlds resources!

The child wasn’t cold or exposed
Rips in clothes doesn’t mean neglect

I think o would’ve text back - feel free to buy her a new dress abs bin the old one if it bothers you so much.

And let him take the backlash

I would rather throw the dress in the bin and deal with the tantrum when she finds out than let my DC go out in a ripped dress but I realise not everyone feels like that. I would feel the same as your ex tbh. My DC's like to choose their clothes but if anything is ripped or badly fitting then I repair it or throw it away/charity shop it. So they only really have nice things to wear, then they can choose what they like

I think this is one of those things that would be unthinkable for some people and meh for others.

Ok plan B....kill the dress in a terrible washing machine accident. It's the only way I am afraid.

I actually have a replacement dress in the pipeline - which I'm making from an old skirt of mine to a similar design, but it's not ready yet. My long term plan is to give that as a sweetener when the old one has to go.

@Ilovemaisie

Ok plan B....kill the dress in a terrible washing machine accident. It's the only way I am afraid.

I have a DS who feels very strongly about clothes as he has sensory issues, and at that age, he also found contact stressful so I would not have added any more discomfort by arguing about clothes with him. I think you should just ignore the text now you have sent the reply. If your DD’s clothes were layered warmly and she is enjoying getting the last wear out of her dress, then that is not neglect. He is trying to get to you.
You do need a plan for when the dress falls more apart though. Can DD be persuaded to look for a new one? (For her, to avoid upset, not your ex).

Ignore me I just realised there is a whole lot more replies I did not see!

I hope he doesn’t indicate to your daughter he doesn’t like her clothes- years back I learned that changing a kid’s clothes after other parent dressed them is seen as bad for the child, as it’s indirectly criticising that other parent, which is the biggest no no ever when it comes to contact.
I guess it makes some sense though I’d not thought about it that way previously.
My guess is he’s just being awkward and annoying for the sake of it - you explained when you dropped her off but he just had to get in touch to complain- and embarrassment for him is just a downright selfish reason. You did the right thing - just respond like that every time and kick something in private - hopefully he will get bored!

It gives me the rage when DSC's mum sends them to school in the rattiest clothes possible for handover days.. three sizes too small, falling apart. To me that's embarrassing her kids and neglect when it's sandals in winter or 3 sizes too big winter boots in summer.

What you're doing is different. It's her favorite dress. She sounded adequately covered and and warm. I would've text back "it's up to you to provide alternative clothing for your contact time if you don't like what I allow them to wear" and ignore ignore ignore.

Would you go out I'm torn clothes OP because I wouldn't and if I did, I expect people would have certain opinions of me. I wouldn't let my children go out in tatty clothes and certainly wouldn't let them wear thin fabric dresses in winter, tights or not. I take pride in the way my daughters are dressed when out. You are the parent here.