WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

[JasmineHoneysuckleManure]

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

If she would be very upset at it becoming unwearable, could you make a mini dress from it for a favourite bear or doll?

If the OP is in the UK, this child can’t go to school or see friends or grandparents (unless in a childcare bubble). She gets upset when she can’t wear the ripped dress. Why upset her now, when everything is so strange?

When the ripped dress gets dreadfully ripped, it can get quietly binned. It seems weird to put your foot down about wearing a slightly tatty dress right now.

School is completely different to a trip to the playground though hmm. And a small tear or hole in PE jogging bottoms for instance wouldn’t really bother me.

It’s not a small hole is it!! The op says herself it’s practically falling to pieces, my point is she must put her foot down when it comes to school and not send her in the ripped up dress so why is the park different?! She’s the parent, shouldn’t be letting her 6 year old dictate to her, I’m sure if this was the other way round and she said her dad was bringing her back with ripped up clothes the comments would be very different!

@Ilovemaisie

Ok plan B....kill the dress in a terrible washing machine accident. It's the only way I am afraid.

it sounds like the time has come....Good advice. can she choose another dress? with all the accompanying sympathy of the pain of the dresses sad passing...

If it was completely my choice I would not dress her in it

She’s 6. It is completely your choice. Small tear, not a problem. Multiple tears and falling to pieces? Bin the dress.

I'm happily married and my husband would have an issue with kids being dressed is scruffy/ripped clothes. He get embarrassed and thinks it reflects badly on him as a parent. I have 2 very sensory kids who often wear clothes too small as they need to be almost skin tight. I dont care bit really bothers dh

Oh, he’s an idiot! You care more about your dd’s happiness and all he cares about is “what people think”. He should get his priorities straight.

For what it’s worth we just went on a walk and dd was wearing holey leggings - by the time I noticed we were outside with wellies etc on so I couldn’t be bothered getting her to change. I mean, who really cares anyway?

For those of you who wouldn't let their child go out in ripped (but functional) clothes of the child's own choosing, can you explain why?

When children are anxious they cling on to familiar old things. He might want to think about that for a minute.

@JasmineHoneysuckleManure

Well yes - his message was all about how embarrassing it was for him etc etc, and no thought for how she feels - which is typical of him. I'm afraid I thought (but didn't say) I don't give a shit how he feels - contact is for the children's benefit and they need to be happy. If I'd had a row with her about it (I knew he'd react this way which is why I explained at handover) then they'd have been late, she'd have been upset, and she might have refused to go at all.

Well perhaps he was embarrassed because maybe it looked like he chooses to dress his child in tatty summer clothes in the middle of winter. Just throw the dress away, or make it into an outfit for a toy.

@JasmineHoneysuckleManure

I did send a reply along those lines, but just wondering if my thinking is off and actually I should throw the dress away, as he suggests.

If he's that bothered he can provide clothes of his choosing for contact (good luck with that!)

I always sent dc in scruffy stuff after ds told me his df sold their good stuff at a car boot sale. Even the outfit I paid for for my wedding. Huffed and puffed he couldn't find it when solicitor asked for it back. Actually sold their clothes. And no he wasn't hard up.
Just a twat.
Next time send ex a needle and thread.

For those of you who wouldn't let their child go out in ripped (but functional) clothes of the child's own choosing, can you explain why?

Sure. I don’t want her to be mocked by her peers and I don’t want her to grow up not understanding how to dress in public.

I think he's being ridiculous and you are being entirely reasonable.

He is being a dick and I would ignore him.

However I would have got rid of the dress long ago. If I allowed my DS(6) autonomy in these matters he would be unwashed with rotten teeth, uncut hair, and dressed in raggedy clothes. I just won't let him go around like that. He must wash, he must brush his teeth, he must get his hair cut, and he must put on clothes which fit and are in good condition. Summer clothes in January would be a no.

if you really didnt want her to wear it i guess you could lose it,
arguments about dresses were a real part of my life when my dd were younger

sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it

Reply: Nothing. What do you propose to do about it.

Job done.

I've got a very "sassy" granddaughter aged 6, who often arrives in very weird and wonderful combinations of clothes. That are never weather appropriate.

Having spent a considerable amount of time battling this, I now graciously concede defeat and let her wear whatever she likes........... it's her that's cold, not me.

Don't let him wind you up. She's got a decent mum who allows her to express herself.

I wouldn’t go out in holey tatty clothes myself so why would I send my children out in them? Wear do you draw the line? Is holey shoes ok? A tiny little hole wouldn’t be an issues but the way the dress has been described it quite honestly sounds like rags!

No school is going to ‘note it as a concern’ if a child is wearing a much loved clothing item the parent has explained about.
He’s being a knob, ignore him.

To add to my other suggestions - make a pyjama bag with the dress. She can keep it close when she's in bed.

I'm somewhat bothered by all the 'bin it' posts. Would people advocate binning a favourite old toy? OK, the dress isn't a toy, but to the little girl it's something as important and as treasured as a toy. Toy or dress - doesn't matter to her. Both loved.

I have a very sensory child (now with ASD diagnosis). By 4, I'd learned to pick my battles and that he wasn't going to get hypothermia from his insistence at wearing shorts all winter. He's now 10 and still happily goes sledging in shorts. His hair is long, something else that people have arbitary opinions about. He also generally looks messy in t-shirts, either because they're new so the shoulders are somewhere near his elbows, or he's filled out the shoulders and they're struggling on length.

But he's happy, and has access to warm layers, so I consider my maternal duty done. Sometimes it's necessary to stand my ground, but because I generally let him dress to comfort, he understands the importance of dress code when required.

Going down the park would not be one of those occasions.

I agree that at the moment, comfort is important. Plus it's hard to involve a child in updating their clothes as they grow at present.

(Took DS2 with me to the supermarkets this week, had to go to a third one for DS1's specific toothpaste, thought we may as well look at clothes as we were there, got updates to his favourite styles, he was so thrilled and announced that it was better than Christmas.)

Why are you allowing yourself to be dictated to by a 6-year-old? The dress is past its useful life. She has to learn that she will grow out of favorite things and that things wear out and get to a point where they are no longer useable. Bin the dress. It’s not the worst thing that’s going to happen to her in her life.

Let her wear what she wants but set boundaries and limits.

@BeaSmithers

Tbh. You shouldn't be letting the tail wag the dog. Who's the parent here? Your daughter needs to learn she doesn't get her own way every time she throws a tantrum. Bin the dress.

It’s not crufts,she’s not training a dog. It’s about not making every minutiae into a row Children don’t need to be trained or shown who is boss,and they are really pets to be trained

It’s not crufts,she’s not training a dog. It’s about not making every minutiae into a row
Children don’t need to be trained or shown who is boss,and they are really are not pets to be trained