WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

[JasmineHoneysuckleManure]

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

I’d also suggest a new dress op, one of her choice. I’m not really sure what “long term “ means.

If you can’t afford a new dress fhen you can tell him to buy her one if takes issue at the one she has.

Tbh. You shouldn't be letting the tail wag the dog. Who's the parent here? Your daughter needs to learn she doesn't get her own way every time she throws a tantrum. Bin the dress.

When things are open again it might be nice to take her to Asda or wherever and let her pick a replacement. Mine was obsessed with one specific t-shirt, and when it wore out we let her choose a new one to wear instead, she really enjoyed that.

Old battered clothes have their place. They are fine around the house or when doing activities where they are likely to ruin their clothes.

A trip to the park sounds like such an occasion.

Whys he mucking about making her pose for photos anyway . Who's gonna see them? Surely he should actually be interacting with his child he doesn't see daily any more. Not playing Disney dad with face book photos?

We r on lock down who's gonna see this ripped dress ffs.

On a separate note I would stop letting a 6 yr old call the shots though

@jackieweaverforpm

Would you go out I'm torn clothes OP because I wouldn't and if I did, I expect people would have certain opinions of me. I wouldn't let my children go out in tatty clothes and certainly wouldn't let them wear thin fabric dresses in winter, tights or not. I take pride in the way my daughters are dressed when out. You are the parent here.

As far as I'm concerned, the dress belongs to the child and she was adamant that she wanted to wear it. Why shouldn't she?

Taking pride in how your dd's are dressed? They are children, not fashion mannequins. What fun you're going to have when they are older and have their own opinions about what they want to wear.

I can understand him being embarrassed, bin the dress and stop letting your dd rule you.

Send her in the dress she likes, with another one in a bag, and tell him if he can persuade her to wear the other one he is most welcome to do that.

I’m a bit conflicted on this one; a similar thing would happen with my DSD and it might not have bothered her mum to have her go out in ripped or stained clothes but it did bother DH and me (although suspect I’ll get shouted down as not having a say) and it was a bit of a difficult one that her mum made the decision and we had to then go with the consequences of it. Admittedly though I’m sensitive about kids wearing clothes that are ripped, stained, too small etc. We never actually said anything to DSDs mum about it though and would just provide our own thing for her

By the way when I said stained clothes I meant my DSD not your DD

He made her pose front and back for photos?
How does he think that might affect a 6 year old?

I would just ignore. I tend to bin ripped and stained stuff but if DC are particularly attached to something I'm not going to start a row. Pick your battles. Some people think its important, I don't and I'm comfortable with that.

I wouldn’t let my child go out in tattered clothes falling to pieces because they’re ‘strong-willed’. But each to their own. Does he not have her any overnights? Then he can buy clothes for her.

he has declined the invite to take them shopping himself

no reason to stop suggesting it whenever he complains about their clothing.
Although maybe not at the moment with non-essential shopping with the family in tow is not a recommended day out

I’m surprised so many people think this is ok! Would you send her to school in ripped up clothes? I bet not! So there’s your answer you would make sure she was dressed in suitable clothes, tbh if you did I imagine it would raise concerns

The thing is, ordinarily I wouldn’t love it if my children went out in ripped clothes. However, right now pretty much nothing is open and we aren’t hanging out with anyone. So, as long as children are comfortable it probably won’t matter.

I am wearing a black poloneck that I had when I was about 14. My Mum found it, washed it and posted it to me. It’s a bit short but as no one else will see me, it doesn’t matter.

On a separate note I would stop letting a 6 yr old call the shots though

Choosing what she wants to wear is hardly calling the shots.

I think if you sent your child to nursery or school in winter in a summer dress with rips in it they would note it as a concern.
I doubt it. DS wore the same top to nursery every single day for two terms (until lockdown). It was the only thing he would wear. They understood and found it quietly amusing. Eventually it got two small holes before he moved onto a different set of clothes.

I think you were making trouble for yourself by sending her in it.

Yes I'd be quietly binning it.

As others have said you are the parent. You just have to put your foot down with her. She's 6. And no I wouldn't send my child out in ripped tatty clothes which also weren't weather appropriate. Let her pick something new. If you can't afford then ask your ex husband to contribute. ☺️

I’m surprised so many people think this is ok! Would you send her to school in ripped up clothes? I bet not! School is completely different to a trip to the playground though . And a small tear or hole in PE jogging bottoms for instance wouldn’t really bother me.

I think YABU. It’s not hard to find replacement clothes on EBay. I bet we could find it if you posted a pic.

Has he considered perhaps buying clothes for his own children when he has them?

You aren’t in the wrong here OP

Don't bin it. Suggest to her that you and she make something new with it. e.g. a pillow case, cushion cover, clothing for a favourite toy, make a toy with the good parts and stuff it with the spare bits (plus stuffing with any other old clothes if necessary). She will keep her dress for years but in a different form.

I wouldn't take DS out in tatty clothes, fine for painting/messy play at home. However if her father feels strongly about it he should provide an alternative.
When clothes get torn etc if I can't mend them they go straight in the bag for the rag bin at the supermarket. DS questions it, 'it was ruined you can wear any of your other clothes'. At the end of summer anything I think he might still fit next summer gets vacuum bagged away so there are no shorts in the wardrobe for him to want to wear in January.
She's quite young to be dictating what she will and won't wear to that extent (choice is fine from appropriate options). Does she have any additional needs? My colleague's son has been diagnosed with PDA and he can be like this.

I wouldn't let her wear it, no. It won't last forever and she will need to accept that clothes become unwearable after a while at some point.
However, I come from a time when children's whims were less indulged than they are today, children were not allowed to 'insist', and adults were able to say no to something they thought unsuitable.

I also think that just as it was your decision to allow her to wear it, he is equally entitled as her parent to prevent her doing so when she is in his care.
So I think I'd reply to say he was welcome to get her to change into something else provided by him if he wanted to.