WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

[JasmineHoneysuckleManure]

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

Is she strong willed with him, or just you?

I have a 6yo Dd like this, currently wearing a tattered old princess dress 2 sizes too small for her and makeup slapped all over her face. If she could she’d wear a summer party dress or skimpy outfit everywhere. Like you I pick my battles. I would 100% do what you did, compromise, she gets to wear the dress with tights, jumper etc... she’s very lucky her mum is a good bargain hunter though so she has an abundance of party dresses to choose from as I usually pick up in charity shops for a couple of pounds so I don’t mind how much they get worn and destroyed. My 3yo, even more strong willed is just like her, she’s currently wearing only what I can describe as a gold flower girl dress, it’s covered in makeup and brown sauce at the moment but I don’t care as it cost £1.90 from a charity shop. She regularly wears clothes several sizes too big for her, hair not brushed, odd shoes to nursery as I have enough to contend with in the mornings I don’t need a fight with a stubborn 3yo. As soon as she’s there she will happily do what ever she’s told (apparently she’s an Angel for them) so I let them fix it. When I pick her up she looks like a nice neat and tidy Angel, until I get her home then she’s back to her stubborn daemon self 😂

Has he ever shown interest in custody? If you know he dosnt want it I’d respond with fine, you can take her full time, buy her clothes and tell her what she can and can’t wear or report me for neglect...

His attitude is horrible but I would probably talk to her and explain that it will be worn indoors only as it is too thin and is torn. Say that when the weather is warmer, she can look for a new favourite summer dress.

@Redburnett

YABU. If her Dad does not see very often and wants to take photos of his DC it is unreasonable of you to let her wear a torn dress. I am not surprised he was embarrassed. She is 6 and you are the adult.

Embarrassed?

HE is embarassed? Subject to supervised contact in public?
He should be fucking burning with embarrassment about that rather than parading a six year old for a photo shoot to prove what a baddie mummy is.
Honestly the bar that some people set for men is unbelievable.

‘Has he ever shown interest in custody? If you know he dosnt want it I’d respond with fine, you can take her full time, buy her clothes and tell her what she can and can’t wear or report me for neglect..’

RTFT .

I'm not so convinced that schools cal social services if kids are in tatty uniform. My son always had whiteboard marker on his polo and often went to school with breakfast on his sweatshirt and not a peep.

No one said school will call ss but it will be noted down as a concern in case there was any other incident, that kind of thing builds a certain picture...

OP, I think you have done exactly the right thing in not dying on this particular hill. It is very good practice for dealing with teenagers.

Plus, as you say, there's not much joy in anyone's life at the moment - and if the dress gives her joy, it's doing no harm.

Your XH is very wrong, here, and you do just have to metaphorically smile and wave and let it wash over you.

Tbh ex is negligent and tight, just in other ways that really matter 😂 That is why he has just 2hrs of supervised contact per month which has to be in public and not at his house. But that's a whole other thread

Jesus, then just ignore the fuckwit!

DD is 6. She LOVES her dress, she feels HAPPY in her dress...

FUCK what anyone else says/thinks/posts / a happy 6 year old wins out over what anyone else thinks.

💐let her wear her dress until she chooses not to, then keep it-or make it into something for her.

I was a kid in the '70's & definitely not pandered to!! But we have some photos taken by a professional photographer who came to the house. I would have been about 5 1/2. I'm wearing my favourite dress (I can still feel the lovely summery thin cotton of it now) my brother & sister are properly dressed up, I didn't want to wear the dress my mum had chosen & I remember how happy I was when she said I could wear my favourite, despite it being a bit tight and verging in indecent 🤣. I wish she'd keep it for me. I'd live to have it now.

I'm thinking back to when my daughter was 5 or 6 and insisted on wearing a ripped Snow White dress every bloody where! I used to make sure she wore a pair of warm leggings underneath and a warm zip up hoodie on top. My goodness she looked a sight, but she was happy. DS used to insist on wearing a dog costume at a similar age, to dentist appointments, preschool, parties. Your ex is being an arse.

Tbh ex is negligent and tight, just in other ways that really matter 😂 That is why he has just 2hrs of supervised contact per month which has to be in public and not at his house. But that's a whole other thread.

My ex is barely seeing the kids post Covid. He had the cheek to complain that our son's clothes had cut labels. Son is 14 and has always found them uncomfortable so I've been cutting them for years plus I pay for all clothes anyway.

Ignore like I did. Like my ex I bet it didn't occur to him to talk to Dd and find out whether you'd insisted on her wearing the dress like some evil plan to embarrass him.

@Lougle

Could you make the dress into a dress for her teddy? That way she gets to keep it and be dressed appropriately.

Yes - I think she may go for this idea

jasmine that was I response to another poster.

No one dresses their kids up for the park. A tatty dress with tights and a jumpers is fine providing she can actually move in the dress . Your ex is being ridiculous and if he only has 2 hours a time he should get off the bloody phone fucking abiut with photos

Of course you are not. What a dick. She was wearing a dress she loved and was happy who gives a shot if it has a rip in it

Well yes - but despite it being repeatedly pointed out in court that contact is for and about the children, not him, he doesn't get it.

He complained because I was 5 mins late to collect them...

I really don't like the way so many pp are keen to make this OP's problem.

If her father has a problem he can either work out a solution on his own or lump it.

A 6 Yr old being out, playing in a tatty dress which she loves, is not a problem! If you personally have a problem with it, fine, don't do it yourself. And that goes for the father too.

However if neither OP nor her daughter have a problem then they should crack on.

All the rest is nonsense. We're in a global pandemic and a thousand people a day are dying. People are losing jobs left right and centre. A child enjoying her favourite dress is not a big deal. Ex-P can fuck off.

I am amazed at some of the comments here. Who actually has the energy, headspace or thinks it’s important enough to have a battle with kids about what they’re wearing to the park in lockdown?

OP ignore him and continue to sensibly choose your battles with children who are trying to have some control over their lives especially in these strange times.

Such a non-issue which your ex made about him. Your daughter was clean, warmly dressed and happy. Win. Win. Win. You're doing a great job and nurturing her rather than wasting head space on pandering to second guessing others concerns and judgements.

I look back so fondly at the ridiculous outfits and loved items of clothing my lot wore to death or out of place. The most over the top white fur coat given to me in a bag of clothes was my daughter's favourite even in summer. Often teamed with pink, sparkly wellies. One of my sons had a Thomas tank jumper he wore everywhere even bed. Frustrated me at times and I'm sure some were judging me as a poor parent. I wasn't. I did my best and miss their silly childhood quirks as they are all grown.
This dress will be the fond reminisce and gentle joshing of family humour in future family get togethers. Cherish what it stands for, her childhood innocence and joy in the simplest of pleasures.

I actually think sending your child in ripped clothing is poor form.

If it was the other way around and dad had sent her home in ripped clothes?

Dear ex-bellend
Your DD is going through a difficult stage at the moment (as most are during this strange period) and finds comfort in her favourite clothes. She has reached an age where she needs some autonomy and choosing what she wants to wear is important to her.
She was warm enough, most importantly, and I did explain to you that her dress had been her choice.
If you think it's more important for your daughter to look presentable enough for pictures to feed your own ego rather than comfortable and happy then that's your problem, not mine and certainly not hers.
I won't be doing anything about it but suggest you have a think about your attitude.
Jasmine

I wouldn't have allowed mine to go out in a torn dress so would have had that battle long ago. I definitely wouldn't have sent her in a torn dress if somebody else was taking her out. I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell a six year old that they can't wear a torn dress out of the house and they can either choose something else or you will.

I understand your dilemma but I can understand his issue. I’d have no issue at all with her wearing it around the house but when I take my children out I like them to look well presented and in clean clothes without any significant holes or rips and with their hair brushed. I’m more than happy for them to go out wearing odd combinations of clothes and agree with you re taking warm clothes with you if she wants to wear a T-shirt out when it’s cold but for me ripped clothes could be a flag for neglect. In terms of brushing my children’s hair etc before we leave the house when they don’t want it doing I usually explain that when leaving the house i like their hair to be brushed so it looks like I’m taking care of them. It doesn’t have to be neat just brushed. I would say your ex was being unreasonable if he’d kicked up a fuss about totally mismatched clothes that she’d wanted to wear but I can completely understand his position about a ripped dress as I imagine he feels concerned that people may think he’s being neglectful if he wouldn’t allow her to go out in the dress. I should add I don’t think it’s completely unreasonable for you to leave the house with her wearing the dress and I’m not saying that I’d immediately judge a child / parent for a ripped dress if they otherwise looked well cared for but it’s individual choice and I think when you’re taking her for contact with her Dad it’s a reasonable request that she’s dressed in clothes without rips.

Sometimes you have to set a boundary though.

Yes. That boundary needs to be where the child's choice of clothing would make them unsafe or seriously uncomfortable. The OP dealt with that.

I actually think sending your child in ripped clothing is poor form.

What about all the people of all ages walking around every day in jeans with rips in them?

This is not a hill I would choose to die on with a stressed six-year old. The most important thing at a time like this is that she feels comfortable, loved and listened to.

OP, it sounds like you're doing a great job of supporting your DD through some difficult experiences

It’s an absolute nightmare having a fussy dresser at the moment with all the clothes shops shut. I’ve tried to buy stuff online for DD but it all gets rejected or doesn’t fit. My DD needs to see clothes in a shop with me in order to be convinced to wear them. So I also have a DD in scruffy old clothes at the moment. Is it poor form? Nope, it’s just one more thing this pandemic is making harder.

@Doublefaced

‘Has he ever shown interest in custody? If you know he dosnt want it I’d respond with fine, you can take her full time, buy her clothes and tell her what she can and can’t wear or report me for neglect..’

RTFT .

Wow you must feel so proud of yourself 🤏👏

Supermarkets sell clothes,.. I think making sure a child has suitable clothes is pretty much an essential, and the op must have other appropriate clothes at home surely? This can’t be the only dress the child has