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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WIBU to allow dd to wear a ripped dress to go to contact?

195 replies

JasmineHoneysuckleManure · 06/02/2021 15:24

Dd is 6, very strong willed and has very strong opinions about what she wants to wear. Pretty much everything is a battle with her at the moment, so - picking my battles - I generally let her wear what she likes as long as she has access to warm enough stuff (ie. if she insists of going out in a summer top I take along a coat and jumper for when she gets cold). She is never ill.

She has a dress, which is two layers of fine cotton material, which is her absolute favourite. She always chooses to wear it and cries when it is in the wash. It is not hardwearing and is slowly falling to pieces. The top part is fine but the skirt is ripped in a few places. The material is too fine to mend, and it gets new rips frequently (dd is very active and frequently catches it on things), so I have taken the decision to let her wear it until it is unwearable, since she loves it so much.

Dc were seeing dad at a playground today. Weather is cold but sunny and they were running around pretty much the whole time. Dd insisted in wearing the dress. I insisted on thick tights beneath and a warm hoody and padded coat as well. She was wearing the hoody at handover, at which point I explained to dad that the dress was her choice, is her favourite, etc.

Later on, she obviously decided to remove her jumper and he made her pose for pics front and back and sent me the pics telling me I was humiliating him, it was child neglect to allow her to wear it, and what did I propose to do about it.

WIBU to allow her to wear the dress? At the moment tbh a ripped dress is the least of my concerns....

OP posts:

midnightstar66 · 07/02/2021 08:14

FUCK what anyone else says/thinks/posts / a happy 6 year old wins out over what anyone else thinks.

So only opinions that are in agreement allowed then?

Personally I'd not let my dc go out in ripped clothing, especially to spend time with someone else. I think if a man had returned a dc in shredded clothing knowing they were going out in public the answers would be very different.
I get the frustration of an awkward ex, DD normally refuses to wear anything but shorts but won't wear tights. her school ones are below mid thigh length but her home ones are pretty short denim. She's an age where she's able to know if she's cold and deal with the consequences but her df used to force her in to leggings by refusing to let her out when she was at his if she was wearing shorts. Not sure why he thought that was a battle worth having when it was 4 days a month and she was wearing shorts for the other 26 days. I'd understand if he was telling her to change our of tatty, ripped clothing though, especially for wear in public. This year for school I've insisted she wears leggings though, it's been an exceptionally cold January and due to covid they are doing lots more outdoor learning than usual so it just wouldn't be appropriate. She wasn't happy but sometimes you do need to take that battle.
Lots of people saying it's lockdown who's going to see - well everyone is at the park as there's nowhere else to go. I agree with autonomy of choosing things but also it's important to have boundaries. I'd have said that due to being torn the dress isn't suitable for the park, pick anything else and you can change in to it as soon as you get home. That wound go for whether it was contact or myself taking her to the park.
I also disagree with getting the dad to address the issue/insist she changes if he doesn't like it. The contact is short and infrequent and it wouldn't be in the child's best interests to be upset by someone who is practically a stranger. The bond and trust levels aren't there so it could be really distressing for her. Glad she's agreed to the teddy clothing.

nightscreams · 07/02/2021 08:17

I wouldn't have let her wear it. You need to be the adult and say no.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 07/02/2021 08:28

For those that wouldn't allow a child to wear torn clothes, why? Presuming it's not dangerous or indecent I don't understand the problem. Unless you care more about what a stranger thinks than how your child feels, which is pretty odd imo. My daughter wears ripped jeans as a fashion choice.

midnightstar66 · 07/02/2021 08:54

As someone else has pointed out, wearing intentionally ripped jeans as a fashion statement is not the same as wearing something so old and worn that it's started to shred. At 6 a child might not realise that's not ideal or appropriate so it's the job of the parent to guide them. I wear ripped jeans but I'd not wear a dress with a shredded/torn skirt.

Loopylobes · 07/02/2021 09:13

As someone else has pointed out, wearing intentionally ripped jeans as a fashion statement is not the same as wearing something so old and worn that it's started to shred.

I honestly can't see how it's fine to wear jeans that have been stone washed and cut with a grinder to make them look old and worn out and but wearing a dress that is old and worn out from being used is unacceptable in some way. That makes no sense. The only difference is fashion and that certainly isn't a good reason to have a battle with a six year old.

The LO was warm and comfortable, which is all that matters.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 07/02/2021 09:15

I'm sure someone has told her, yet she still likes to wear it. Genuinely, what's the big deal? I would insist on decent clothes for school or an event such as a wedding or funeral but to play in the park, surely it's not important.

midnightstar66 · 07/02/2021 09:21

To be honest I think torn jeans is quite an adult style anyway and I wouldn't buy them for my 6 year old, and if her jeans became ripped I'd patch them or cut them In to shorts so the comparison isn't relevant.

SuperCaliFragalistic · 07/02/2021 09:22

It basically comes down to her dad caring more about what other people think about his daughters appearance than whether or not his child is happy and comfortable. Let her express herself and make some choices. Kids have very few actual choices in life - surely choosing which dress to wear is something that the parent doesn't have to control.

Serin · 07/02/2021 09:25

That is very manipulative of him to put his concerns in writing (and photos!) When you have already explained that the clothes are her choice, not yours.
Is he keeping a file if evidence to use against you?

Loopylobes · 07/02/2021 09:30

To be honest I think torn jeans is quite an adult style anyway..... so the comparison isn't relevant.

Lots of small children wear ripped jeans so it most certainly is.

midnightstar66 · 07/02/2021 09:32

Lots of small children wear ripped jeans so it most certainly is.

Not something I've noticed or would buy for my child for her to have the option, as I've already said.

Loopylobes · 07/02/2021 09:45

Not something I've noticed or would buy for my child for her to have the option, as I've already said.

That's obviously a personal coice you've made, which is totally fine. However, it doesn't change the fact that it is widely socially acceptable for young children to wear ripped clothing. Fashion dictates that this applies to jeans but there is no logical reason why it couldn't also apply to a dress.

Lilymossflower · 07/02/2021 10:04

He's just saying it to make your question your parenting ! And obviously it's worked. Which is ironic because by the sounds of the set up you are the main parent and he just play with the in the park.
Typical dickhead.
Your a great parent and he can keep his manipulative behavior to himself

listerclocks · 07/02/2021 12:42

However, it doesn't change the fact that it is widely socially acceptable for young children to wear ripped clothing

Jeans that are a fashion statement can be socially acceptable but I don't know any families which think it's socially acceptable to wear worn out, ripped clothes. Even when my DC have been out splashing in mud and climbing trees they have had clothes that are not ripped or worn out - cheap trakkies and so on.

BaubleBubble · 07/02/2021 16:14

I agree with him, it would have been humiliating for him to have his daughter in a skirt that was ripped in a few places and falling apart.

Doublefaced · 07/02/2021 16:32

@BaubleBubble

I agree with him, it would have been humiliating for him to have his daughter in a skirt that was ripped in a few places and falling apart.

Diddums.

DoraTan · 07/02/2021 16:39

Personally I'd not let my dc go out in ripped clothing, especially to spend time with someone else.

Agreed. And replies would be different if a man had dropped a child to a public place in ripped clothing.

Loopylobes · 07/02/2021 17:09

Jeans that are a fashion statement can be socially acceptable

Exactly! Jeans are ripped and faded by manufacturers to make them look old and worn out.

The fact that the clothing is ripped is only a problem if it doesn't fit with current fashion trends, i.e. it's OK for jeans to be ripped and worn but not a dress...at the moment. Let's face it, that could change any day.

There is no reason whatsoever to insist that a six-year-old is constricted but fashion trends. She wants to wear a ripped skirt, little Harry on the slide is wearing ripped jeans. So what? They're both fine as long as they are warm and comfortable.

MapGirlExtraordinaire · 08/02/2021 13:46

BaubleBubble

Which is more embarrassing? Having a happy DC running around the park in a warm hood and tights with a ripped skirt, or being such a shit dad that you're only allowed 2 hours supervised contact a month?

Wonder which he should focus on changing...?

Clue: it's not the clothing. He's focused on the wrong stuff.

bloodyhairy · 08/02/2021 14:12

I'd die a death before I handed my children over to my ex in ripped clothing. It's a pride thing for me.
Sorry OP.

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